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Recovery ⫸⫸ THE RECOVERY THREAD 2021 ⫷⫷

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I've been on yet another run for the 28th time in five years.

Due to specific circumstances I am unable to access treatment until January 1st 2022. I will be entering treatment the same day, give or take one day depending on extraneous circumstances.

I had a year and some months clean before this time, which is the longest I've ever maintained in sobriety. I went through the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous with a outstanding sponsor, and did a lot more work on myself than I ever had before during this time. I didn't really go to meetings though.

Keep in mind, I got sober during the throes of Covid-19 when "public health mandates" decided that it was more important to shut ourselves indoors, and deny addicts in person outlets to mental well-being than to attempt to provide the same level of connection that is quite literally the opposite of addiction. I firmly believe the prevalence of Fentanyl more than ever before, coupled with these public health measures led to 2020's extremely high rate of overdose. This does not even include the drug related deaths by vehicular collision, homicide, suicide, etc. .

So I never formed those habits that would pre-empt the shitty relapse circumstances I currently find myself in. That isn't an excuse or a half hearted attempt at displacing any personal responsibility that I have in my actions and decisions and lack of vigor in my program which led to this. It's just something I've had on my chest for a while that really has been crawling up my ass and making a home, so I wanted to let it go here, politics aside.

Hope everyone is doing alright tonight. Here's to making it to 2022!
 
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birdup said:
That's huge.
Congratulations.

I've done long stretches recently too.
That means I can do it again.
Click to expand...

Thanks man! Feels like moot now, but I know that it isn't. I learned a great deal and I feel that my previous sobriety has allowed me to be much more harm reductive in my current use. On top of that, I had a "worst case scenario" plan already in place. So I am set up to get better and have a clear exit strategy.

I'll be honest and say I'm nervous about making it long enough to get help, because of the places which it took me before. I really hope so, and I want to live now, which I didn't before when I was on my last bad run for two years.

I believe you can do it again too bro, we both can.
 
I am so depressed. I am ashamed to show up in health and recovery.
Very alone now. Tough to find understanding.
I learned the hard way.
But . . . . then again not every one is perfect right. It definitely is always something. Though.
Someone has to know I am doing something though. At least youtube and watching a movie can be a distracter if that's even a word.
At least everyone has their mm card though. Hilarious. I love marijuana but my doc rite now is delicious yummy opioid. Oh and it's good. Can't complain too much yet. Because if it gets any worse than this .Ouch. Sori I am a downer. Does hurt. Very much.
Because you know what. I can't kick this. Ever.
I didn't realize the opioid situation was going to be like THIS. Gawd I should have went to the replacement pain doctor when I had the chance. Now it all crashed down bad. Some people are established pts. and had the diagnosis and still get the same meds. The standard. But now I got bumped from the system somehow and I can't even find a prescriber. Basically it has to be a continuous prescription from a previous established patient scenario. I can't even explain it because it is so stupid. Where ? Are all of the opioids ? Seems to be plenty of fentanyl.
And I know hydrocodone is out there because I see it and hear about them.
Or is it like a shortage or peak opioid and another resource depletion. maybe moderation could have helped. Or maybe there is nothing fucking wrong with opioids to begin with. Or allot of things that grow organically, indigenous and landrace.
Sorry for babbling on. How lonely is that. Heh. he.
 
please go to hospital @BenzoBrain^^ i don't want you to die trying to do this yourself. be completely open about the previous benzo use.

also please please eat something. i have chronic stomach problems due to drinking spirits on an empty stomach and it really impacts my quality of life. getting extra nutrients will also mitigate the damage you're doing. b vitamins in particular are depleted by alcohol iirc.
 
@BenzoBrain^^

I wrote a response to you then I deleted it because I've been in your exact position and I'm not sure what could possibly have convinced me to change course.

I will say this (after consideration):

People sometimes exaggerate the dangers of drugs and climate change.

They do so for good reason.

It's complicated, though.

I suggest you eat nutritionally dense food. Eat red meat. Eat molluscs. Eat fish.

If you're struggling to pay for food on top of your alcohol budget, then - worst case scenario - eat rice.

You have to eat something.

Alcohol is better when you're not starving; everything is better when you're not starving: drugs are their best - always - when you are fit and healthy.

I'm not fit or healthy. I'm actually starting to develop a beer gut, which saddens me because - once upon a time - I was a desirable "twink".
 
BenzoBrain^^ said:
Anyone here detox from alcohol after previous addiction to RC benzos?

This is my situation. It's getting to the point where I have basically stopped eating. It's been almost 3 days now. All my calories are now in liquid form.

I recently decided that whisky wasn't strong enough anymore and picked up a couple bottles of Bacardi 151 75% abv

If I go to the hospital to deal with this I'm going to end up with rebound effects from the benzos they will be giving me. I refuse to just wait it out so I will either resume drinking or just keep taking benzos. The latter is more likely because I hate walking around stinking like alcohol constantly. It just seems like this is only going to end one way.
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you helped me soooooooooooo much i wish i could give healthy warranted advice, thats def a rough one, but you are so generous and ive come to really care for you but ive only detoxed from shit ass opioids, seen some suffer from not eating go down hill fast so im relieved alil you are taking nutritional fluids, my aunt was hard core alcoholic, sweetest soul in the world, but she wouldnt eat, she made it, and will turn 70, she was hooked on booze and pills so bad , and that woman is kicking ass now, just saying cuz if that poor lady made it anyone can, know that doesnt help you now, but i pray you get awesome advice
 
birdup said:
@BenzoBrain^^

I wrote a response to you then I deleted it because I've been in your exact position and I'm not sure what could possibly have convinced me to change course.

I will say this (after consideration):

People sometimes exaggerate the dangers of drugs and climate change.

They do so for good reason.

It's
suggest you eat nutritionally dense food. Eat red meat. Eat molluscs. Eat fish.

If you're struggling to pay for food on top of your alcohol budget, then - worst case scenario - eat rice.

You have to eat something.

Alcohol is better when you're not starving; everything is better when you're not starving: drugs are their best - always - when you are fit and healthy.

I'm not fit or healthy. I'm actually starting to develop a beer gut, which saddens me because - once upon a time - I was a desirable "twink".
Click to expand...
that big heart of yours sure is desirable
 
hylite said:
I am so depressed. I am ashamed to show up in health and recovery.
Very alone now. Tough to find understanding.
I learned the hard way.
But . . . . then again not every one is perfect right. It definitely is always something. Though.
Someone has to know I am doing something though. At least youtube and watching a movie can be a distracter if that's even a word.
At least everyone has their mm card though. Hilarious. I love marijuana but my doc rite now is delicious yummy opioid. Oh and it's good. Can't complain too much yet. Because if it gets any worse than this .Ouch. Sori I am a downer. Does hurt. Very much.
Because you know what. I can't kick this. Ever.
I didn't realize the opioid situation was going to be like THIS. Gawd I should have went to the replacement pain doctor when I had the chance. Now it all crashed down bad. Some people are established pts. and had the diagnosis and still get the same meds. The standard. But now I got bumped from the system somehow and I can't even find a prescriber. Basically it has to be a continuous prescription from a previous established patient scenario. I can't even explain it because it is so stupid. Where ? Are all of the opioids ? Seems to be plenty of fentanyl.
And I know hydrocodone is out there because I see it and hear about them.
Or is it like a shortage or peak opioid and another resource depletion. maybe moderation could have helped. Or maybe there is nothing fucking wrong with opioids to begin with. Or allot of things that grow organically, indigenous and landrace.
Sorry for babbling on. How lonely is that. Heh. he.
Click to expand...
never feel shame for seeking help and sharing, someones gonna gain from this, like ME, my heart goes out i admire you and know the loneliness even when i have people around, but they are lost in their own worlds these days hope to hear from you, a good handful of you have made a profound impact on me and id still care regardless
 
The more times I look at Bluelight the more I think I should just limit my time here to turning the SLR forum into the best place for advice no matter what your kink and here in the Recovery Forums concentrating on sorting my own shit out.

But I’m not making any promises because I’m accidentally and totally unintentionally in the situation of being 3 days awake on a meth bender after months of abstinence and just past the halfway mark on a lot of LSD I took to circuit break the meth bender but that is now just magnifying how shitty I feel by a factor of 10.

I might feel different after 18 hours sleep. Please feel free to remind me this is an unending pattern that is taking me nowhere.
 
Perforated said:
The more times I look at Bluelight the more I think I should just limit my time here to turning the SLR forum into the best place for advice no matter what your kink and here in the Recovery Forums concentrating on sorting my own shit out.

But I’m not making any promises because I’m accidentally and totally unintentionally in the situation of being 3 days awake on a meth bender after months of abstinence and just past the halfway mark on a lot of LSD I took to circuit break the meth bender but that is now just magnifying how shitty I feel by a factor of 10.

I might feel different after 18 hours sleep. Please feel free to remind me this is an unending pattern that is taking me nowhere.
Click to expand...
Mate, this pattern of meth and acid benders is taking you nowhere. What motivates you to stay clean, when you are abstinent?

@BenzoBrain^^ unfortunately I don't think there is any safe way out of your predicament other than going to hospital to detox. It is way too dangerous for you to attempt it at home on your own. Be honest with them about your benzo issues, I am sure there are ways for them to detox you safely without causing you benzo problems. But you need help.

@chinup I am so glad you got good news about your lungs honey <3
 
@BenzoBrain^^ you also need thiamine supplements, because the current lifestyle you're engaged in can quickly cause alcoholic dementia due to vitamin B1 deficiency. You really need to go to hospital again dude <3
 
n3ophy7e said:
@chinup I am so glad you got good news about your lungs honey <3
Click to expand...
the lung issue is sadly not yet resolved. it was my genetic testing for a gene alteration that has resulted in the horrific deaths of many members of my family and would have required extreme mitigation measures.

@BenzoBrain^^ please go back to hospital. and get yourself some rehydration salts. it sounds like you're having an electrolyte issue, muscle cramps is a symptom of low potassium and the same thing can be happening to your heart, which can lead to death. but go back to hospital.
 
chinup said:
the lung issue is sadly not yet resolved. it was my genetic testing for a gene alteration that has resulted in the horrific deaths of many members of my family and would have required extreme mitigation measures.
Click to expand...
Ohhh I see. Well that is good news about the genetic test results. I've got bowel cancer genes on both sides of my family and I'm 40 in a few years, so I'm gonna have to get colonoscopies once a year to check for polyps. Hoorayyyy!! 😆
Let us know about your lungs. Sending lots of love <3
 
BenzoBrain^^ said:
@chinup I was at hospital briefly last week. Told the paramedics and the doctor about the benzo use but was still given them anyways because there was really nothing else that would have gotten my insane vitals under control. I'm surprised they let me leave cause I was a complete mess. I tried eating a banana about 14 hours ago but got about halfway through before tossing it. My appetite is just wrecked and I'm also dehydrated because I'm starting to get muscle cramps frequently. I'll pick up some orange juice and soup broth later, hopefully that helps. I've been told by nurses and doctors that dehydration and electrolyte disturbances lower seizure threshold, so there's that too. Appreciate your help.

@Robi <3

@birdup Thanks for your support. I don't think my stomach could handle dense food at this point. I do like a good steak and some salmon & halibut though. But as I mentioned to chinup, I just have zero desire for food. This is awful. I have completely ruined my ability to drink socially for the rest of my life. The only good thing that has happened lately was me moving from a shitty hotel to a nice little place I can call my own. Only downside is that there's a very narrow set of wooden stairs so I've been very careful how much and how fast I drink liquor in order to avoid a fall. And of course that means the tremors are always there unless I take a generous amount of benzos. Again, thank you.
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ty for telling of your life, im very concerned, means so much
 
n3ophy7e said:
Ohhh I see. Well that is good news about the genetic test results. I've got bowel cancer genes on both sides of my family and I'm 40 in a few years, so I'm gonna have to get colonoscopies once a year to check for polyps. Hoorayyyy!! 😆
Let us know about your lungs. Sending lots of love <3
Click to expand...
they have good test sticks , they gave them to me, its a thing now for women over 50, ez peasy hurrah!
 
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