Recovery ⫸⫸ THE RECOVERY THREAD 2021 ⫷⫷

[Blankenstein]

Just thought I’d check in.

@ions i don’t know you story, but there has been a period of my life where I had an intense fear of anything technology related. Not saying it’s the same as you, but I have had irrational fears of technology that caused quite a serious impact on my life. I’m glad you are progressing. Good stuff man.

@somnilicious i can’t relate to having hep C, but I have had/still do have a health issue that I’m trying to ignore, but need to tackle head on. I’m not going to say what it is, but it’s like having a dark cloud over my head all the time. I Hope you get the help/treatment you need. Good luck dude.

@chinup good stuff on minimising the boozing! Also keep up the running! I’m running again, but spacing it out a few days apart to try stop aggravating an issue with my knee.

Now time for my depressing update... if I’m at work I’m sober for 14 days (apart from 2 days as I bring a few beers with me). But my drug use is getting worse when I get home...

I’m using hundreds of milligrams of oxy or equivalent of jurnista in a sitting. Plus a couple of benzos to add a little sedation.

I’ve been wanting to switch to heroin to save money, but the people I buy off won’t sell it to me. Don’t want me to go down that path.

It’s sucks I’m making decent money but spend so much when I’m home for a week and can’t even remember the week I’m at home. Im
Not surfing anymore really or doing anything positive, just using.

just had a long talk with a close friend who was heroin addict for a few years and recently kicked meth. Think we are going to go to NA meetings when I get back from work. I told him even if I don’t want to go to just drag me.

anyway that’s my sad story. But i shouldn’t complain. On my week off I went to my cousins 1 year memorial of his death. I shouldn’t complain. My uncle, aunt and cousin are really struggling. I’m just a whiny fuck head.

 

[Jabberwocky]

hey @Blankenstein glad you checked in but sorry you're having such a shiitty time?

next time you get off work is there anywhere else you can go where you won't do that? i used to have similar, i'd go away and be swearing i wouldn't go straight back to whatever drug i was on at the time as soon as i got home and do it every fucking time. it was disheartening.

i am really glad they won't sell you heroin. honestly it is not worth it. whatever money you save up front, honestly your habit will grow to whatever you were spending before in no time. in my first year doing a proper job rather than being a student, i got over £10k in pay rises and it made not a jot of difference cos my habit just increased with every one.

i have been drinking every day this week. not happy with myself. feel so shit. also injured so not able to run which is my like one healthy thing.

 

[ions]

Soory @hylite sleep can help if your dream cycles are comfortable. Nitemare scan exacerbate.

 

[ions]

Dreaming can be good for depression. Then again oversleeping is a sign of depression. Maybe getting out to meet some new or familiar faces. Right? @hylite

 

[n3ophy7e]

also injured so not able to run which is my like one healthy thing.

Oh noooo!! Your outlet! What have you injured??

I REALLY can't even get over being depressed. But I keep trying. I think.

First thing I was having trouble quitting dabz.

I do not understand. I had honestly quit for almost two months day to day. And it barely effected me.

And NOW. I CAN'T DO IT.
I mean I can but the depression and agitation is too horrible to go on with anymore. REALLY. It's that bad. And I am running out of things to take.

I have a bad reaction to the universe and almost everything else. Well no. Everything.
And I hate this . . . . . whatever it is that just makes me want to do to like . . . . not exist.

Something inside this universe needs to just go away and stop tormenting and entertaining itself on me.

I had to pray hard for ten years just not to off myself. Now look what kind of mess I got myself into. Now I have to deal with it. It's just unpleasant torment. ANDD I keep trying to do fucking better. I can't.

Why. Fucking universe. Why.

Sorry for bad language. Just sayin.

It's really bad. Wtf.

You can swear as much as you want to here hylite, this is a safe place I swear A LOT!!
I'm sorry to hear you're struggling I don't know you very well yet. But have you spoken to a doctor or counsellor about these feelings yet?

 

[n3ophy7e]

no just pain management. and they always ngaf !!

thank you fo r all concerns. ☺

Would you consider speaking to a counsellor/therapist about how you feel??

 

[n3ophy7e]

i have before. and got some xanax.
nothing is really that bad. just the universe makes it that way. gotta have prayers i huess.

Thank you for support and understanding.

Maaannnn I wish my therapist would give me some xanax LOL. Instead they just wanna keep talking talking talking about shit
I'm always up for a chat if you need to talk to someone, send me a message, okay?

 

[n3ophy7e]

you're the best. That is so AwesomE !

THANK YOU MUCHES ☄

You're welcome And I am true to my word


OH!!!!! And I just looked at the calendar and realised that I am 3 months sober off alcohol today!!

 

[n3ophy7e]

@hylite thank youuuuu!!!!!

 

[Blankenstein]

hey @Blankenstein glad you checked in but sorry you're having such a shiitty time?

next time you get off work is there anywhere else you can go where you won't do that? i used to have similar, i'd go away and be swearing i wouldn't go straight back to whatever drug i was on at the time as soon as i got home and do it every fucking time. it was disheartening.

i am really glad they won't sell you heroin. honestly it is not worth it. whatever money you save up front, honestly your habit will grow to whatever you were spending before in no time. in my first year doing a proper job rather than being a student, i got over £10k in pay rises and it made not a jot of difference cos my habit just increased with every one.

i have been drinking every day this week. not happy with myself. feel so shit. also injured so not able to run which is my like one healthy thing.

Thanks for your response. Yeh I know it’s a really stupid idea. Spoken to a good friend who had a heroin habit for a few years and he agrees with everyone that it’s a terrible idea.

yeh when I get back from work this time I’m off for a few days and then I’m doing a trip to a remote island off the coast of where I live with some friends to dive and hopefully get some waves as well. I won’t be using anything apart from the beers I take with me, which I will only bring limited amount so it will be forced sobriety again. I’m really looking forward to the trip. I do plan on using just once before I head off though.

sorry to hear about the drinking and injury. What’s the injury? How long are you out of action? Do you have other lower impact things you can do while it heals? Cycling or swimming?

I use to run quite a lot. I still run a bit, but have issues with my knees that flare up if I over do it. so have to not run too far or too frequently. It’s frustrating, but could be worse I suppose.

 

[Blankenstein]

i have before. and got some xanax.
nothing is really that bad. just the universe makes it that way. gotta have prayers i huess.

Thank you for support and understanding.

Sorry to hear you are depressed and struggling with everything.

Sometimes when I get overwhelmed and/or depressed doing breathing exercises can help or listening to a podcast (either something to make me laugh or something to motivate me). Also getting out in nature and exercising.

not trying to be a dick and trivialise your problems by saying this will fix anything, but they are tools I have used over the years to help cope during tough times.

Hope you’re feeling alright.

 

[Blankenstein]

I do. And try to.
" Also getting out in nature and excersing "

Yes love it ! ♡

I want to have a healthy diet. And be able to exercise and go mountain bike again.

But, I am just like. . . . sorry ,,, swearing again,,, Like I'm fuck it I can always start tomorrow because I know that I will.

I guess I am just on a break. Maybe.
I am to the point of being just sick of the chronic and pain. So I am at point. . .
I Am Good. Yup 'Sssit.

But it's alright like in the up post also, because I will have to get used to that too. Thank God for weed and for that blessing is what I say.

And all of these med's that I cannot even wrap my head around that I don't even want to have to know what they all are. I dunno. Whaa ! t ?
Got to look it up again.

Anyway, I will be find. Capt told me I don't dose high enough. Such a brilliant mind and SOUL. And A Gift.

I don't mind being depressed too much now. Because I am almost sober. 🕊
And see I can work at getting healthy.
With lots of hard work determination and love; there will always shine a Way.

Thank you for listening ☺ and for such a nice Today.

I made about 10 dozen oatmeal cookies. Different combo's. Because that'ss all I like to eat when I am high. Loool. I am. And then I think how wonderful sobriety can really be for me. I am sharing the recipe too.
♡♡♡♡ Okay

:coffee:



I really don't do too much. Does'nt that count !


Cap said yeah. ♡

Ty.

So I will be sober tomorrow. Love !!

Good luck man you know yourself.

I get the “fuck it I can just start tomorrow” man. Personally I wish I properly started 10 years ago. 10 years from now I hope I’m not saying the same thing

I ended up doing a 4 hour round trip today to the closest town to buy supplies because The exploration camp/work was running out of food. In reality we probably have have enough to last the week I just wanted an excuse to go to the bottle shop and buy alcohol.

I’ll start being sober tomorrow.

good luck to everyone trying to get “it”.

 

[Blankenstein]

But hey, at least where I work there is a super funny/slightly aggressive donkey and an anxious camel. Whenever I get down at the end of the day I just go and hang out with them. Then the donkey tries to bite me and I swear at him.

I actually listened to a podcast about a guy who rescued a donkey and (long story short) ended up running a marathon in colarado with the donkey. There is an annual donkey/human marathon there.

really cool/inspiring podcast.

I have been granted permission by the donkeys owner to try and get it to run alongside me and go for jogs. It’s not an easy task, but it’s fun. Just wish my stupid knee wasn’t holding me back so much.

sorry to derail the thread, but that damn donkey and camel crack me up.

 

[Jabberwocky]

sorry to hear about the drinking and injury. What’s the injury? How long are you out of action? Do you have other lower impact things you can do while it heals? Cycling or swimming?

i hurt my ankle, i think its better now, i tried a 5k yesterday and it went ok, super slow though as i was being cautious and also its hot here right now. for england at least. probably winter temperatures for you lol.

I ended up doing a 4 hour round trip today to the closest town to buy supplies because The exploration camp/work was running out of food. In reality we probably have have enough to last the week I just wanted an excuse to go to the bottle shop and buy alcohol.

it happens. at least if you have a 4 hour trip you can't be doing that often. for me to buy booze is a 4 minute round trip, does make things harder!!

But hey, at least where I work there is a super funny/slightly aggressive donkey and an anxious camel.

its great to have fun diversions!! what the fuck is an anxious camel doing there though? i kinda get the donkey. donkeys give me nightmares just cos i was camping on a hiking trip in jordan and one night there was this donkey close by, it was a male and there must have been a female close by apparently cos it was fucking braying all night. having to hike 20k up a fucking mountain on almost no sleep and 26 degrees sun with barely any shade is not fun.

the next day just as we got to our camp for the night a pickup turned up with stuff for another group, and that fucking donkey. i properly lost my shit and shouted at them til they agreed to move it at least a mile away. the rest of my group thought it was hilarious but said they were low key glad i'd got them to remove it so we didn't have to do another day of massive ascents on donkey-interrupted sleep.

now i wish a donkey was ruining my sleep instead of it being my own stupidity around drinking. 10 days til i'm back at my parents and physically can't so doesn't matter too much i don't think.

 

[Jabberwocky]

I really want to put myself into recovery and think of myself as a recovering addict addict even if it’s as one who frequently relapses. Drugs are not improving my life although the carefully calibrated grab bag of substances seems to help me find a survivable equilibrium at the moment.

I have prescribed meds that work in opposite directions: dopamine agonists vs antagonists so I’m never really that high but I’m never straight either once I start smoking meth. I can go a month or two without meth and if I’m on meth I usually don’t bother with my meds.

To be honest, it’s got to the point I don’t know who I am anymore, if there is really anything wrong with me, and if there is how serious it might be.

Lately I’ve been taking lots of LSD and seem to keep getting this insight that I’m really socially anxious and that’s what drives my drug use: just the thought of interacting with other people. The only place I ever seem to get it right is here on BL. Literally every job or relationship I’ve had has crashed and burned.

I’ve realised through these trips - but I guess I knew it already - that I can’t manage group dynamics. If it’s just me and a boss. I’m fine but as part of a team I end up being the centre of conflict and dissension. Same with a girlfriend. If she has no friends it’s fine but if she does something always goes wrong between them and me.

Yet at the same time I know I’m burning through meth to block how desperately lonely I feel. I’d love to have multiple friends. To be part of a group. But meth makes me forget that or at least not feel it so desperately and acutely. Plus it makes me too retarded to actually engage with normal people and to basically avoid them.

I’m turned 50 and literally have not real life friends and neither am I close to my family. It’s like there is a glass wall between me and the world that I just want to smash but have no idea how. I feel like I missed out on some really important piece of emotional hardware when I was wired up.

I just cannot connect with anyone. I’m so sad. So it’s not as if I cannot feel.

 

[Blankenstein]

I really want to put myself into recovery and think of myself as a recovering addict addict even if it’s as one who frequently relapses. Drugs are not improving my life although the carefully calibrated grab bag of substances seems to help me find a survivable equilibrium at the moment.

I have prescribed meds that work in opposite directions: dopamine agonists vs antagonists so I’m never really that high but I’m never straight either once I start smoking meth. I can go a month or two without meth and if I’m on meth I usually don’t bother with my meds.

To be honest, it’s got to the point I don’t know who I am anymore, if there is really anything wrong with me, and if there is how serious it might be.

Lately I’ve been taking lots of LSD and seem to keep getting this insight that I’m really socially anxious and that’s what drives my drug use: just the thought of interacting with other people. The only place I ever seem to get it right is here on BL. Literally every job or relationship I’ve had has crashed and burned.

I’ve realised through these trips - but I guess I knew it already - that I can’t manage group dynamics. If it’s just me and a boss. I’m fine but as part of a team I end up being the centre of conflict and dissension. Same with a girlfriend. If she has no friends it’s fine but if she does something always goes wrong between them and me.

Yet at the same time I know I’m burning through meth to block how desperately lonely I feel. I’d love to have multiple friends. To be part of a group. But meth makes me forget that or at least not feel it so desperately and acutely. Plus it makes me too retarded to actually engage with normal people and to basically avoid them.

I’m turned 50 and literally have not real life friends and neither am I close to my family. It’s like there is a glass wall between me and the world that I just want to smash but have no idea how. I feel like I missed out on some really important piece of emotional hardware when I was wired up.

I just cannot connect with anyone. I’m so sad. So it’s not as if I cannot feel.

Sorry you are feeling like this dude

you say drugs aren’t improving your life. I don’t think drugs/substance abuse are improving many people’s lives. Probably even less of the people who have ended up posting in this thread.

you say you want to go into recovery? What’s stopping you? I’ve been thinking about it recently for myself. I mean as I’ve said I’m not drinking crazy while I’m at work because of remoteness, but I use pretty much non stop when I get home for my week off and have no recollection of that week basically (benzos are the devil) I know for me 2 things that stop me from wanting to do it are not wanting to cause stress to my family (they think I’m not using. Though I think my mother suspects something now) and also losing my job.

If you went to rehab would it effect a job? What’s holding you back?

are you currently using meth?

I can relate to the social anxiety thing, feeling isolated and loneliness thing. I think a lot of us feel that way.

I think I read you were doing lots of NA meetings? Are you still doing these? Are they helping?

hope you feel better man. Keep posting in here.

 

[Blankenstein]

i hurt my ankle, i think its better now, i tried a 5k yesterday and it went ok, super slow though as i was being cautious and also its hot here right now. for england at least. probably winter temperatures for you lol.

it happens. at least if you have a 4 hour trip you can't be doing that often. for me to buy booze is a 4 minute round trip, does make things harder!!


its great to have fun diversions!! what the fuck is an anxious camel doing there though? i kinda get the donkey. donkeys give me nightmares just cos i was camping on a hiking trip in jordan and one night there was this donkey close by, it was a male and there must have been a female close by apparently cos it was fucking braying all night. having to hike 20k up a fucking mountain on almost no sleep and 26 degrees sun with barely any shade is not fun.

the next day just as we got to our camp for the night a pickup turned up with stuff for another group, and that fucking donkey. i properly lost my shit and shouted at them til they agreed to move it at least a mile away. the rest of my group thought it was hilarious but said they were low key glad i'd got them to remove it so we didn't have to do another day of massive ascents on donkey-interrupted sleep.

now i wish a donkey was ruining my sleep instead of it being my own stupidity around drinking. 10 days til i'm back at my parents and physically can't so doesn't matter too much i don't think.

good news about the ankle!

forced sobriety. Always fun...

haha yeh the people who manage the station/ranch im staying at for work have a horse, donkey and camel (as well as several thousand cattle).

the donkey has become attached to the horse (they become attached to whatever animals are around apparently). He hates the camel though and tries to kill it, it is fucking insane.

the horse and donkey now roam around the home paddock, but the camel is still in an enclosure. So she is now super agitated now her friend (the horse, not the donkey) aren’t with her all the time. It sucks to see her distressed.

yeh I guess you get it haha, sounds like an epic trip. Donkeys are insane. He’s just a massive weirdo. He got out the other day and ended up at a mine site 50km away. They called the owner and was like “your stupid donkey is here causing trouble. Come get it”

I went to feed the chickens yesterday and the donkey followed me and picked up the glass bowl with the scraps and ran off. I love that damn donkey.

 

[ions]

@Atelier3 We can be friends. Maybe not irl, but all the perks.

I dont like to be high in public because it kind of inhibits me socially. Like it's more difficult to come up with quick one when you're high. Just kind of left to body language and caveman like responses. Me likey girl, Me touchy.

But if the function is getting high, like a music festival, then it's good because every there is high as well.

As for recovery, the weed has helped me frame over the blast invega. It's a beautiful substance and well, I'd say lay off the meth and acid. It sometimes takes years to recover from a bad trip. Like what I"m doin now.

 

[n3ophy7e]

I really want to put myself into recovery and think of myself as a recovering addict addict even if it’s as one who frequently relapses. Drugs are not improving my life although the carefully calibrated grab bag of substances seems to help me find a survivable equilibrium at the moment.

I have prescribed meds that work in opposite directions: dopamine agonists vs antagonists so I’m never really that high but I’m never straight either once I start smoking meth. I can go a month or two without meth and if I’m on meth I usually don’t bother with my meds.

To be honest, it’s got to the point I don’t know who I am anymore, if there is really anything wrong with me, and if there is how serious it might be.

Lately I’ve been taking lots of LSD and seem to keep getting this insight that I’m really socially anxious and that’s what drives my drug use: just the thought of interacting with other people. The only place I ever seem to get it right is here on BL. Literally every job or relationship I’ve had has crashed and burned.

I’ve realised through these trips - but I guess I knew it already - that I can’t manage group dynamics. If it’s just me and a boss. I’m fine but as part of a team I end up being the centre of conflict and dissension. Same with a girlfriend. If she has no friends it’s fine but if she does something always goes wrong between them and me.

Yet at the same time I know I’m burning through meth to block how desperately lonely I feel. I’d love to have multiple friends. To be part of a group. But meth makes me forget that or at least not feel it so desperately and acutely. Plus it makes me too retarded to actually engage with normal people and to basically avoid them.

I’m turned 50 and literally have not real life friends and neither am I close to my family. It’s like there is a glass wall between me and the world that I just want to smash but have no idea how. I feel like I missed out on some really important piece of emotional hardware when I was wired up.

I just cannot connect with anyone. I’m so sad. So it’s not as if I cannot feel.

It sucks huh. I have horrendous social anxiety, which is why my online presence thrives so well
But seriously, if you are open and ready to detox, I say go for it. It is so worth trying. YOU are worth it Atelier
Have you been to the Marie Bashir detox at RPA before? I've been there numerous times and they are really good. Definitely worth giving them a call.

 

[Jabberwocky]

Sorry you are feeling like this dude

you say drugs aren’t improving your life. I don’t think drugs/substance abuse are improving many people’s lives. Probably even less of the people who have ended up posting in this thread.

you say you want to go into recovery? What’s stopping you? I’ve been thinking about it recently for myself. I mean as I’ve said I’m not drinking crazy while I’m at work because of remoteness, but I use pretty much non stop when I get home for my week off and have no recollection of that week basically (benzos are the devil) I know for me 2 things that stop me from wanting to do it are not wanting to cause stress to my family (they think I’m not using. Though I think my mother suspects something now) and also losing my job.

If you went to rehab would it effect a job? What’s holding you back?

are you currently using meth?

I can relate to the social anxiety thing, feeling isolated and loneliness thing. I think a lot of us feel that way.

I think I read you were doing lots of NA meetings? Are you still doing these? Are they helping?

hope you feel better man. Keep posting in here.

There’s nothing stopping me doing anything really. I’m basically retired and don’t have to work for money (which may in itself be part of the problem). I am studying and have 2/3rds of my PhD written but have had a complete block for at least the last 6 months on progressing it further. Part of that has been being unable to travel to obtain more data but also extensive drug use. I’ve had significant family emotional problems that led me to pick up abusing stimulants again after a long time (nearly 5 years) without using them except as scripted. Being stuck with troublesome family in lockdown during Covid was the trigger. I went off the rails then and haven’t really come back.

A big part of the problem is that I’m essentially functional and there have been no major dramas stemming from my use except for the general misery it causes during regular comedowns and the insane amounts of money I spend on meth and sex. I’m just going nowhere in life and feeling like I peaked years ago (if I ever peaked and reached my potential, which is very debatable) and am now just hedonistically treading water while either focussing on all my regrets in life or simply blocking them out for weeks at a time with meth.

Switching it up to heroic acid doses was a kind of attempt to blast through all the mental fog and maybe have some kind of epiphany and either see a way forward about who I want to be or become in my post-50 years or else just come to terms and be comfortable with whatever I am. All it’s really done is leave me feeling slightly retarded, though that might be the MDMA and Ketamine I threw into the mix at the last moment for no good reason I can think of now.

I was going to go to 100 NA meetings in 100 days. I did that years and years ago when I was addicted to coke and it really helped me break the cycle. I was about to start it and then I had to look after a family member’s dog that couldn’t be left alone. I should have just said no, I didn’t have the resources to look after it. But I said yes and spent the week high playing with it.

Basically i hate the sense of treading water and that’s all I do all day every day. All the time getting dumber and dumber from meth and from the psych meds I only occasionally bother taking.

It sucks huh. I have horrendous social anxiety, which is why my online presence thrives so well
But seriously, if you are open and ready to detox, I say go for it. It is so worth trying. YOU are worth it Atelier
Have you been to the Marie Bashir detox at RPA before? I've been there numerous times and they are really good. Definitely worth giving them a call.

I’ll definitely look into it. I need to find a place that is good at dual diagnosis places. For people with underlying mental health problems (i.e. ADHD/PTSD/bipolar) as well as substance abuse issues. I’ve got more going on that just addiction. There is a place on the Northern Beaches which I forget the name of which is supposed to be very good. I’ve got enough insurance to cover most regular private places I think.

I don’t actually have a problem detoxing to much. Over the last 18 months I’ve often stopped for periods ranging from a week to 2 months. It’s the picking up again I have the eternal problem with. And I think that’s just a lot to do with having a lonely, miserable, and uninspiring life. And avoid working on my PhD in case I fuck it it up and therefore ultimately prove I was never as smart as I always thought I was. There’s a real fear of failure thing going on here too. But actually I know I’m already failing at pretty much everything.