Recovery ⫸⫸ THE RECOVERY THREAD 2021 ⫷⫷

[Jabberwocky]

@Perforated firstly sorry for the late reply i saw this when you first posted but had to start work and then just didn't get round to it. not having anything structured to do with your time will definitely be contributing to your drug use. when i was anorexic uni told me i was basically getting a free pass for the year, the eating disorder immediately ate up all the time i'd previously spent studying. when i lost my job cos of my drug problem i went from at least attempting to be present in work for a bit of the day to just smoking crack and making money for more crack continuously.

mental health problems fucking love unfilled time!! can you find some volunteering or something to do? even a day or two a week just to create some structure and 'get out of self'? i'd love to volunteer at a cat santuary. my mum volunteers at a stately home garden. horses for courses and all.

i have been so fucking tired. for some reason even though i slept enough time, according to my app getting no deep sleep. i have drank every night recently but the past 2 nights its been a 'sensible amount' but neighbours were shouting and playing music all night. feel at my wits end to it tbh.

work is starting to feel like pressure. i'm not stressed, yet, but my past is coming to bite me. i got so lucky my first job after rehab i never got asked about why i had a gap in employment. well, now we work with my old work place (its a small world) and even though i never worked directly with them, they do not want to work with me. i haven't any info on why and won't push it cos it will make my current employer suspicious. but soon i'm gonna be the only person who does my job in the whole company and i literally don't know how to work if they won't work with me.

its not like i was obnoxious or anything. i just suddenly stopped ever turning up or doing any work and when i did turn up stinking of crack or vomit, falling asleep in my chair, and disappearing all the time for pipes.

 

[Jabberwocky]

@Perforated firstly sorry for the late reply i saw this when you first posted but had to start work and then just didn't get round to it. not having anything structured to do with your time will definitely be contributing to your drug use. when i was anorexic uni told me i was basically getting a free pass for the year, the eating disorder immediately ate up all the time i'd previously spent studying. when i lost my job cos of my drug problem i went from at least attempting to be present in work for a bit of the day to just smoking crack and making money for more crack continuously.

mental health problems fucking love unfilled time!! can you find some volunteering or something to do? even a day or two a week just to create some structure and 'get out of self'? i'd love to volunteer at a cat santuary. my mum volunteers at a stately home garden. horses for courses and all.

i have been so fucking tired. for some reason even though i slept enough time, according to my app getting no deep sleep. i have drank every night recently but the past 2 nights its been a 'sensible amount' but neighbours were shouting and playing music all night. feel at my wits end to it tbh.

work is starting to feel like pressure. i'm not stressed, yet, but my past is coming to bite me. i got so lucky my first job after rehab i never got asked about why i had a gap in employment. well, now we work with my old work place (its a small world) and even though i never worked directly with them, they do not want to work with me. i haven't any info on why and won't push it cos it will make my current employer suspicious. but soon i'm gonna be the only person who does my job in the whole company and i literally don't know how to work if they won't work with me.

its not like i was obnoxious or anything. i just suddenly stopped ever turning up or doing any work and when i did turn up stinking of crack or vomit, falling asleep in my chair, and disappearing all the time for pipes.

I keep intending to volunteer somewhere next something keep gets in the way. I’ll make more of an effort this week I think to find something. All the negative behaviour and negative feelings come out when I have nothing to do. I have been putting more effort to go to the gym lately which has been helpful, but I think it’s really that human to human interaction that my life really needs. I’ve always looked for that in relationships but there is no way I’m capable or ready to try that at the moment.

 

[Jabberwocky]

how is everyone doing?

i have drank every night this week.... but not so much that its affected my ability to work in the day meaningfully. which is good because i have a lot to do. its my last weekend possibly ever living in the heart of a big city so going for vegetarian chinese on saturday. then got to pack!

 

[Jabberwocky]

how is everyone doing?

i have drank every night this week.... but not so much that its affected my ability to work in the day meaningfully. which is good because i have a lot to do. its my last weekend possibly ever living in the heart of a big city so going for vegetarian chinese on saturday. then got to pack!

I'm feeling pretty good. I have not had any hard drugs for a couple of weeks (excepting lots of psychedelics). But I've been to the gym for 3 classes in the last week. Damn hard ones but I lasted each one. I've also spent quite a bit of time with my daughter and a fair bit of time just walking through nature. I even added 3,000 words to my disseration and they were pretty good when I re-read them.

Also I really feel like I'm through the worst of my antipstchotic withdrawal syndrome. It was murderous for a few days last week and the week before but I tripped straight over the top of it one day and never noticed it again. Apart from a bit of insomnia. I've taken a smal amount of seroquel when insomnia was threatening my sanity but generally have been concentrating on getting normal sleep as much as possible. It's kind of working, altough I think the exercise in the evening leaves me a bit too hyper to sleep.

All in all I'd put my mood at about 8/10.

I still have a burning feeling to get high in some kind of way. It's like sitting down reading a book or watching tv is just too mind-numbingly boring for me at the moment. I have a lot of drugs in the house. They were in a timer box but that's expired now. I even bought some more psychadelics today. I feel I might want a leeeetle bit of stims but definitely not the volume of stuff I actually have. ButI can't bring myself to flush it. It's $'000's. I need to give it to someone i think. But then I worry I'm contributing to their problems.

 

[birdup.snaildown]

Yesterday I had a breakdown. It was withdrawals, but I didn't recognize it as withdrawals because I'm still using. For the first time ever, I successfully transitioned from chronic daily use to moderation. I went from consuming weed every day to consuming it three times a week and only after 4:20 PM. I don't get stoned now because I don't want to. This is something new for me.

I thought I wasn't going to withdraw this time, because I haven't stopped using completely... but, apparently, it doesn't work that way. A week or two after the transition, it crept up on me. And (because I didn't recognize it as withdrawals) I didn't understand what was happening to me. I felt waves of intensely negative emotions, like benzo withdrawals but not as extreme. I wanted to die. I hated myself. It's so much worse when you don't know what it means.

I'm tired of being owned, but I'm getting closer to freedom.

 

[birdup.snaildown]

I peaked years ago

This is your problem, dude.

It's all downhill. You have to make peace with that.

 

[Jabberwocky]

This is your problem, dude.

It's all downhill. You have to make peace with that.

I'm naturally inclined to be a perfectionist. To a dysfunctional level in many areas. I find it really hard to say of anything "this is as good as it can get" and then let it go. Plus internally I honestly feel about 20 years younger than my biological age and probably act accordingly.

 

[Jabberwocky]

@birdup.snaildown that is a really important realisation. well done. i found quitting weed really hard. i smoked every day for over a decade, with just the odd break while on holiday. i have failed at quitting weed more times than any other drug. its really good that you don't want to smoke.

@Perforated well done on getting some more words down for your dissertation!! you will ge tthere. i don't know how you have drugs around what a nightmare. i'm amazed you are able not to use it.

i am not feeling great. hungover. went out for a meal with my boyf last night to celebrate our last weekend living together in manchester. now we won't be living together until our house purchase has gone through. it was a fun day but at some point during the meal i twigged that if i just kept eating a bit more than i was comfortable with i could purge it when i got home. what a fucking idiot.

now he's gone out for fathers day and i'm here on my own. i just want to binge on alcohol and food and then purge. i'm trying not to. i have to get up at 6.30 to be out by 7.30 tomorrow morning as i'm travelling for work and i can't be in the state i'm in today. i think i'm stressed about moving. i'd been through a phase of purging earlier in the year and then kicked my ass to stop cos it makes me feel very unwell and i find it hard to stop once i start, especially when i'm so unhappy with my weight. i can't face doing it again so soon.

 

[n3ophy7e]

i am not feeling great. hungover. went out for a meal with my boyf last night to celebrate our last weekend living together in manchester. now we won't be living together until our house purchase has gone through. it was a fun day but at some point during the meal i twigged that if i just kept eating a bit more than i was comfortable with i could purge it when i got home. what a fucking idiot.

now he's gone out for fathers day and i'm here on my own. i just want to binge on alcohol and food and then purge. i'm trying not to. i have to get up at 6.30 to be out by 7.30 tomorrow morning as i'm travelling for work and i can't be in the state i'm in today. i think i'm stressed about moving. i'd been through a phase of purging earlier in the year and then kicked my ass to stop cos it makes me feel very unwell and i find it hard to stop once i start, especially when i'm so unhappy with my weight. i can't face doing it again so soon.

Oh damn it hun, I was bulimic for many many years so I truly know what you're going through. Does your partner know about it?? Can you talk to him about it? Being alone when eating is the worst and if you've already decided that you're going to do it, it's almost impossible to change your mind. But I used to find that distraction really helped me, after eating. Distract, distract, distract, distract, until it's too late to purge. Please feel free to message me if you wanna talk about it

 

[Jabberwocky]

I’m feeling pretty good today. I felt very bad over the weekend because my 80 year old mum had a fall and ended up in hospital and I was too ridiculously fucked up to be of any assistance to my dad. It was all I could do to hold the phone and listen to his update on what was happening. So, last night I took all my drugs and paraphernalia and put them in a timed lock box for 3 days (I had the option of up to 8 so not entirely committed). Then this morning I went to my exes house because it is first day of school holidays and I volunteered to take up whatever responsibilities were needed for our daughter for the next 2 weeks and locked in a few commitments. I NEVER fuck those kid commitments up.

After that I drove over to my dad’s place. Ostensibly to see how he is going with mum in hospital but also to steal back my dog that he’d been looking after for a while. It’s a bit contentious about who’s dog it actually is since he originally bought her but I basically raised her as a puppy during the Covid lockdown for 6 months when I was stuck living next door to them. The dog is also a discouragement to getting fucked up because she is hyper-sensitive and gets all anxious and nervy whenever the drugs come up. She almost has a panic attack if she she’s me tripping. Something about what she sees in my eyes I think.

So with pleasant and enjoyable commitments and responsibilities locked in for a while I should stay pretty straight and productive. Although there is the possibility of a delivery or two of temptation arriving over the next few days and I’ve no additional lock-boxes. I’ll have to rely on willpower and my conscience - both of which are proven capable of working in short bursts when absolutely required.

 

[n3ophy7e]

@Perforated that's really good to hear mate

 

[Jabberwocky]

Oh damn it hun, I was bulimic for many many years so I truly know what you're going through. Does your partner know about it?? Can you talk to him about it?

the last few days have been pretty bad. i don't really consider myself to be bulimic but sometimes it just comes into my head it would be easy to purge and then i think i should do it all the time. my boyf knows i was sick on saturday but i only tell him about it if i can spin it as combination of too much food and booze. i haven't told him. i haven't done it today though. he was away on sunday then i was away yesterday so could get away with it. its just made me feel really unwell. i hope its out of my system.

hope everyone is doing better than me.

 

[Jabberwocky]

hope everyone is doing better than me.

I hope you start feeling better. Do you know anything that helps you when you feel like this?

 

[endlessnameless]

Fell back into using during the pandemic, then got news that my father is terminally ill so I'm done. Tomorrow will be day one for me.

Hope everyone is doing well.

 

[n3ophy7e]

the last few days have been pretty bad. i don't really consider myself to be bulimic but sometimes it just comes into my head it would be easy to purge and then i think i should do it all the time. my boyf knows i was sick on saturday but i only tell him about it if i can spin it as combination of too much food and booze. i haven't told him. i haven't done it today though. he was away on sunday then i was away yesterday so could get away with it. its just made me feel really unwell. i hope its out of my system.

hope everyone is doing better than me.

That's okay hun, it doesn't need to have a label. I'm very open and candid about my eating disorders, so just keep in mind that I'm always here to chat about it if you need someone to talk to
When I was very badly bulimic I was so incredibly unwell, physically, mentally and emotionally. There's no other way to describe it, I was just very very sick. I was completely obsessed with food, and the process of binging and purging. I try not to think about it but I would've easily spent tens of thousands of dollars on high calorie food that I purged over the 5-6 years that I was bulimic. Hardly anyone in real life (e.g. friends and family) knows about my bulimia or anorexia, I harboured so much SHAME about it (and I guess I still do).
I pretty much just grew out of it, not age-wise, but I mean it just became too difficult to do, too taxing on my body. The binge and purge process became too exhausting and I just couldn't do it any more. So I just stopped doing it.

 

[Jabberwocky]

I hope you start feeling better. Do you know anything that helps you when you feel like this?

usually i cut back on my food intake cos i get so sick of purging and i find it incredibly difficult if i'm not extremely full. once i can get a couple of days without doing it then usually i'm past the silliness.

Fell back into using during the pandemic, then got news that my father is terminally ill so I'm done. Tomorrow will be day one for me.

so sorry to hear that. good luck for today. my dad getting ill again is one of my major reservations in my recovery. spend all the time you can with him while he's still here.

Hardly anyone in real life (e.g. friends and family) knows about my bulimia or anorexia, I harboured so much SHAME about it (and I guess I still do).
I pretty much just grew out of it, not age-wise, but I mean it just became too difficult to do, too taxing on my body. The binge and purge process became too exhausting and I just couldn't do it any more. So I just stopped doing it.

that's really sad. i guess i keep the purging secret. i couldn't hide the anorexia at its worst cos it was written all over my body, but the lapses i've had since that i've pulled myself out of i've kept secret. i don't lke the idea of worruing people.

i bp'd again last night after my boyf went to sleep. i don't think my body is handling it well. but i think i have a ton of anxiety and exhaustion that is not helping. need a rest but no chance of that this weekened at least.

 

[Jabberwocky]

well, i both got incredibly drunk and binge/purged tonight.

not feeling the negative effects currently but sure they'll bite me tomorrow. especially given how inhumanly awful i've felt physically all day.

 

[n3ophy7e]

well, i both got incredibly drunk and binge/purged tonight.

not feeling the negative effects currently but sure they'll bite me tomorrow. especially given how inhumanly awful i've felt physically all day.

It sounds like you might be stuck in the shame and self destruction loop hun. You've gotta stop the cycle somehow.

 

[Jabberwocky]

hello all.

think i'm back after the worst week i've had probably this side of rehab, in terms of addictive behaviours and how fucking awful everything felt. worse than both my lapses on hard drugs last year by a country mile.

physically i'm feeling a lot better already. on monday morning my stomach was so fucked i couldn't even drink water without feeling sick. and i had to move all my furniture in that state.

i've learned that if i perceive something to be boxed time wise, then my brain thinks it can 'get away' with doing ridiculously awful things, and very quickly that becomes 'have to' do those things even though they are painful. i don't know why this is and need to work on it with my therapist. i dont want to automatically indulge in self destruction just cos it has a definite end.

been at my parents since monday, drank both nights but not a significant amount and no b/p. from august 1st i'm going back to complete abstinence and drawing a line under this, hopefully for good.

 

[Blankenstein]

hello all.

think i'm back after the worst week i've had probably this side of rehab, in terms of addictive behaviours and how fucking awful everything felt. worse than both my lapses on hard drugs last year by a country mile.

physically i'm feeling a lot better already. on monday morning my stomach was so fucked i couldn't even drink water without feeling sick. and i had to move all my furniture in that state.

i've learned that if i perceive something to be boxed time wise, then my brain thinks it can 'get away' with doing ridiculously awful things, and very quickly that becomes 'have to' do those things even though they are painful. i don't know why this is and need to work on it with my therapist. i dont want to automatically indulge in self destruction just cos it has a definite end.

been at my parents since monday, drank both nights but not a significant amount and no b/p. from august 1st i'm going back to complete abstinence and drawing a line under this, hopefully for good.

Good on you for commiting to complete abstinence. Sorry you had such a rough week. Moving house is never fun, let alone doing it in the condition you were in.

what do your parents think about you drinking while at their place?

Is your boyfriend committed to complete abstinence as well?