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Recovery ⫸⫸ THE RECOVERY THREAD 2020 ⫷⫷

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cowboycurtis

Bluelighter
Joined
Dec 14, 2011
Messages
191
@yubacity
Lamb Curry > your recovery and well-being.
Haha JK. At least take your woman with you. I hate the idea of making complex meals, but I end up enjoying it and reaping the benefits. I say go for it. It could be a great way to distract yourself from the bullshit storm in your head. And I’m sure your family would be pleased as well. I love most things curry. Send some my way too!
 

chinup

Moderator: H&R, EADD
Staff member
Joined
Aug 1, 2010
Messages
5,633
Location
Greatest city on Earth
whereabouts did you say you were @cowboycurtis? for some reason i seem to think its northern california. i would love some of that sunshine right now! stuck inside cos my parents live on a hill and the roads too icy to walk safely along. and my new tyranical master, this fitness watch, only registered 10 mins of the absolutely excruciating youtube workout i did this morning so now it will look like i didn't hit my goal even though i fucking did!!!

i'm so lethargic from being inside for the past 2 days. i'd promised myself i wouldn't drink today but now i don't know if i can't be arsed. january isn't far away and i've already decided to try not to drink for the entirety of it.
 

cowboycurtis

Bluelighter
Joined
Dec 14, 2011
Messages
191
^SoCal actually but I’ve been all over the state. Ya I hear ya on the fitness. I’ve been looking forward to getting into shape again. Get back to being healthy instead of looking like a skeleton. I’ve been finding myself wanting to drink too lately, but I often find that it just gets me sick now.
 

yubacity

Bluelighter
Joined
Feb 13, 2018
Messages
1,205
Location
u.k
@yubacity
Lamb Curry > your recovery and well-being.
Haha JK. At least take your woman with you. I hate the idea of making complex meals, but I end up enjoying it and reaping the benefits. I say go for it. It could be a great way to distract yourself from the bullshit storm in your head. And I’m sure your family would be pleased as well. I love most things curry. Send some my way too!
Took my wife with me my brother stopped the struggle in my head whether to by a box of ground poppy pods along with my 2 kg of lamb chops. Will cook the curry tommorow nice and slow for about 4 hours . Dont know if my stomach can handle the spices yet so soon after withdrawals but gives me something to do

How are you doing my brother once im back in yubacity ill send you a curry
 
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cowboycurtis

Bluelighter
Joined
Dec 14, 2011
Messages
191
I’m sorry guys. I know you don’t judge. We’ve all been there, but I feel like such a hypocrite being so positive with people while I’m clean but then turning around and getting high again. I know my advice is more than genuine, as is my desire to help people on the same path, but sometimes I can’t seem to follow my own advice. I mean exactly what I say when I say it, but addiction is a beast and unfortunately I succumbed today. I am so depressed right now though. Would honestly rather be sober at this point. Not enjoying being high one bit.
 

strangeaeon

Bluelighter
Joined
Dec 19, 2019
Messages
249
Location
Timewave Zero
I’m sorry guys. I know you don’t judge. We’ve all been there, but I feel like such a hypocrite being so positive with people while I’m clean but then turning around and getting high again. I know my advice is more than genuine, as is my desire to help people on the same path, but sometimes I can’t seem to follow my own advice. I mean exactly what I say when I say it, but addiction is a beast and unfortunately I succumbed today. I am so depressed right now though. Would honestly rather be sober at this point. Not enjoying being high one bit.

im the same and prolly most ppl here too
someone told me that the high is never as great as you remember it, wonder if thats true....
 

cowboycurtis

Bluelighter
Joined
Dec 14, 2011
Messages
191
One of these days I might not make it back and, although that’s sometimes preferred, I know I have many things to live for now. Like @Rio Fantastic has mentioned, each relapse is a lesson more so than a failure. Realizing each time that my memories of the good times using are so skewed and over-hyped in my mind that going back and using just ends up being a disappointment and inevitably proves furthermore that using, or even chipping is simply not an option for me.
 

yubacity

Bluelighter
Joined
Feb 13, 2018
Messages
1,205
Location
u.k
I’m sorry guys. I know you don’t judge. We’ve all been there, but I feel like such a hypocrite being so positive with people while I’m clean but then turning around and getting high again. I know my advice is more than genuine, as is my desire to help people on the same path, but sometimes I can’t seem to follow my own advice. I mean exactly what I say when I say it, but addiction is a beast and unfortunately I succumbed today. I am so depressed right now though. Would honestly rather be sober at this point. Not enjoying being high one bit.
Nothing is lost brother you just had a blip in the road . Relapses are a part of getting better at this point whats done is done but don't think fuck it I might as well carry on stop the relapse in its path. The more you beat yourself up about it the more likely you are to carry on mate. Stop and carry on the road to recovery this all part of the process my brother
 

chinup

Moderator: H&R, EADD
Staff member
Joined
Aug 1, 2010
Messages
5,633
Location
Greatest city on Earth
@cowboycurtis i'm glad it didn't feel good. until this year when i had my two lapses (i went to rehab in september 2018) i hadn't shut the door on heroin. now i've had a good go and never recreated the feelings it used to give me i've closed the door. it felt utterly horrible to accept i would never have that feeling again but now i've got past it its easier knowing heroin isn't an option, i don't think i can be tempted to do it again.

i hope you can nip this lapse in the bud asap and get back to sobriety. i saw your question in rio's thread i will answer later, i need to get out to the shops before it (apparently) snows again. so wish i was in so cal right now! i lived in santa barbara for a year when i was kid and, apart from this douchebag at my school doing highly inappropriate things to me that resulted in me being suicidal aged 6, it was paradise.
 

Rio Fantastic

Bluelighter
Joined
Feb 19, 2009
Messages
1,726
Location
Birmingham
LOL bruv im old john Bonham was the drummer for led zeppelin and in my opinon the greatest rock drummer ever always wanted to visit his grave because i love the band and his drumming.

Got over the rattle but today been in those moods where the world seem a mess and have a feeling something about to go wrong i know it the depression hitting and trying to be cheerful but it fucking hard .


You doing good bro i hate that. feeling in addiction where you feel neither awake or asleep like a walking zombie feels so good after wd when you can feel your brain and thoughts becoming clearer.


Today after all the bland christmas food which good but my punjabi taste buds craving a lamb curry but problem is my punjabi butcher also sells poppy pods shal i test my resolve and go on my own or take my wife .


Normal friends can never understand how we crave heroin or crack after getting clean they just think withdrawls over thats that done and dusted. My wife been on this rollacoaster i been on with me but she still can never know how we can want to do the drug again. Even as i type im getting excited about going to punjabi butcher and getting pods how after washing them down how good it will feel as my stomach extract the morphine as i listen to music while puffing on a fag fucking bliss thats the curry fucked of i dont want to even go there


I not going to do it but you know after nearly a week of the gear the feeling you have when you know the gear out your system and that you can use some just for the day and get a good buzz and not really be knocked back into any withdrawals . I be honest cant really be bothered to cook a slow cook lamb curry but just trying to make a excuse to go to the butchers and get some pods
this my favorite band and the drummer i talking about

It's really encouraging that you aren't letting yourself lie to yourself to justify using. If that was me at a weak point, I'd have told myself I was going to the butchers for ingredients, then blamed it on the butchers when I ended up getting high. The fact that you have that self-awareness is really encouraging man. Keep making the right decisions bro. I know that feeling exactly - after getting clean and your brain feels fresh and you know your tolerance has gone down, using suddenly seems so much more tempting. It's times like that I force myself to remember what it really does to me. Sure, I could feel good for a day, but I know when I wake up tomorrow if I've used I will feel just totally despairing, depressed - I'll be in fucking hell, and it's not worth it.

Never been a big Led Zeppelin fan to be honest!! I should have known that though. Ah well, at least I can feel young now!

@yubacity @Rio Fantastic @chinup
Glad you all are doing well. It’s nice to hear all my fellow perpetual strugglers from across the pond. I wish I could share some of my sunshine and warmth with you. There hasn’t been snow here for probably 100 years. It hailed a bit last storm we had though and everything looks so green and beautiful right now.
And Rio dude come on! Who’s John Bonham? What’s wrong with you? 😆 Congrats on getting past 2 weeks though! That is quite an achievement. I’m almost there.

Hahaha, dude I'm a disgrace I know. Led Zeppelin are from round these parts as well, so I really should have known. Curtis, the way you are having all these challenges arise and blasting through them is awesome. A couple of times I've worried you were about to lapse and then been surprised and relieved to find you've conquered it for another day.

All of us are starting 2021 in the best possible way! I've had to overcome my head telling me that I could use for today because tomorrow is a new year and what better excuse, but I've just had to remind myself that I do NOT want to start 2021 by repeating these last 2 weeks, and my chances of suddenly having my self-control regrow tomorrow if I were to use today is practically 0.
 

Rio Fantastic

Bluelighter
Joined
Feb 19, 2009
Messages
1,726
Location
Birmingham
I’m sorry guys. I know you don’t judge. We’ve all been there, but I feel like such a hypocrite being so positive with people while I’m clean but then turning around and getting high again. I know my advice is more than genuine, as is my desire to help people on the same path, but sometimes I can’t seem to follow my own advice. I mean exactly what I say when I say it, but addiction is a beast and unfortunately I succumbed today. I am so depressed right now though. Would honestly rather be sober at this point. Not enjoying being high one bit.

Just read this post! What I said in my last post still stands though. You've had one slip - you need to fight now to keep it to a day. Don't use this to justify a bender. You will bounce back quickly if it's just a day, extending it past that will just put you back at the bottom of the mountain you've been fighting so hard to climb. Like @chinup said, remember this disappointment. Remember that it wasn't all that you thought it was going to be and it will make it a lot easier to turn down your cravings next time. Do you have any idea yet why you gave in? Was there any particular triggers - any situation, memory, emotions etc you can identify? Do you remember what you told yourself in your mind to justify giving in?
 

cowboycurtis

Bluelighter
Joined
Dec 14, 2011
Messages
191
It was just one of those moments where the stars aligned and I had just gotten my phone fixed (switched to a new phone anyway) and received all these texts from my plug since I never had the opportunity to delete or block his number. He was offering these holiday deals and I still had a little money leftover after paying shit off. And on top of all that I was already in town with a legitimate reason to be there. I fought with it for like 2 hours, but I gave in because I failed to come on here and write out my craving (which always helps me be mindful) or call someone or anything.

Good news is I just threw out dope for the first time in my entire life. I honestly couldn’t believe it. Still don’t believe it. I used exactly twice. My 🔌’s phone number now no longer exists in my contacts and is blocked so he can’t call me. I think this was finally the lapse I needed. Taking this kind of initiative so soon after a lapse is a new normal for me. I think this is a good sign and I am very hopeful. I think I just got tested by the universe and I failed, but it’s more about how you start up again IMO.
 

yubacity

Bluelighter
Joined
Feb 13, 2018
Messages
1,205
Location
u.k
It's really encouraging that you aren't letting yourself lie to yourself to justify using. If that was me at a weak point, I'd have told myself I was going to the butchers for ingredients, then blamed it on the butchers when I ended up getting high. The fact that you have that self-awareness is really encouraging man. Keep making the right decisions bro. I know that feeling exactly - after getting clean and your brain feels fresh and you know your tolerance has gone down, using suddenly seems so much more tempting. It's times like that I force myself to remember what it really does to me. Sure, I could feel good for a day, but I know when I wake up tomorrow if I've used I will feel just totally despairing, depressed - I'll be in fucking hell, and it's not worth it.

Never been a big Led Zeppelin fan to be honest!! I should have known that though. Ah well, at least I can feel young now!



Hahaha, dude I'm a disgrace I know. Led Zeppelin are from round these parts as well, so I really should have known. Curtis, the way you are having all these challenges arise and blasting through them is awesome. A couple of times I've worried you were about to lapse and then been surprised and relieved to find you've conquered it for another day.

All of us are starting 2021 in the best possible way! I've had to overcome my head telling me that I could use for today because tomorrow is a new year and what better excuse, but I've just had to remind myself that I do NOT want to start 2021 by repeating these last 2 weeks, and my chances of suddenly having my self-control regrow tomorrow if I were to use today is practically 0.
Just been through it so many times I don't lie to myself now it makes it easy to think your way into a relapse blaming the situation but not blaming yourself for getting into the situation. Every relapse I have is deliberate because I put myself there on purpose.

Always have to remember the shit feeling of addiction not the great buzz you get for the first few days
 

yubacity

Bluelighter
Joined
Feb 13, 2018
Messages
1,205
Location
u.k
It was just one of those moments where the stars aligned and I had just gotten my phone fixed (switched to a new phone anyway) and received all these texts from my plug since I never had the opportunity to delete or block his number. He was offering these holiday deals and I still had a little money leftover after paying shit off. And on top of all that I was already in town with a legitimate reason to be there. I fought with it for like 2 hours, but I gave in because I failed to come on here and write out my craving (which always helps me be mindful) or call someone or anything.

Good news is I just threw out dope for the first time in my entire life. I honestly couldn’t believe it. Still don’t believe it. I used exactly twice. My 🔌’s phone number now no longer exists in my contacts and is blocked so he can’t call me. I think this was finally the lapse I needed. Taking this kind of initiative so soon after a lapse is a new normal for me. I think this is a good sign and I am very hopeful. I think I just got tested by the universe and I failed, but it’s more about how you start up again IMO.
I told rio before that once you decide that you have just had enough of the addiction no matter how many relapses you will get there in the end you have done real good bruv you got back up quickly
 

Perforated

Moderator: SLR
Staff member
Joined
Sep 28, 2019
Messages
7,551
Time to start the 2021 thread? I’m ready to recover now 2020 has finally passed. This seems like the best place to be.
 

somnilicious

Bluelighter
Joined
Jul 31, 2012
Messages
1,879
Location
Orlando, Fl
I'm glad we have so many people fighting the good fight at the moment. I've found that the euphoric recall and romanticization of the drug is really diminished over the years as I grow to hate the substance more and more after each relapse and subsequent withdrawal. My problem now has been that I just need to make it past the horrible PAWS symptoms that 25yrs of almost continual use brings. Dealing with life without opiates is a struggle when you're used to checking out and numbing yourself. I will definitely be utilizing medical marijuana to soften the landing and help me when I start detoxing down and off methadone. I have no problems viewing kava and pot as separate from other drugs. Even occasional psychedelic use is different in my eyes.
 

JessFR

Bluelight Crew
Joined
Oct 22, 2012
Messages
15,214
Location
the edge of sanity
Time to start the 2021 thread? I’m ready to recover now 2020 has finally passed. This seems like the best place to be.

I'm not 100% sure everywhere has passed new years yet, but it seems close enough to me. If they haven't they will very very soon. :)

Alrighty. I'm gonna lock and unsticky this thread.
The new 2021 recovery thread can be found in the following link. I hope everyone has a better 2021! <3

 
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