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Need some advice

A

AutisticGraham

Greenlighter
Joined
Mar 25, 2019
Messages
37
Hello guys,

I am going to ask for some controversial advice.

Before I do so, I would like to say that I do not want, or appreciate, any advice telling me to change my mind.

After a few decades I have realised that there is only one option for me.

I want to find out what pills I can acquire and use to end my life in the most painless way possible. I have a severe alcohol habit which makes me sick if I don't drink. Family and friends have deserted me, I cannot hold down a job and need a way out.

My life has been a complete mess, I'm done with it.

I am willing to fly around the world to find a pharmacy that can sell me something like methaqualone which I can knock back with some booze to make sure of things.

I have been through all kinds of counselling, please please please do not post asking me to reconsider.
 
Hey man, hate to break it to you but you won't get that kind of advice here. All you will get is a bunch of responses from kind and compassionate people who understand your dilemma and will try to convince you to do something else less drastic.

A lot of people here have been where you are, planning their own death and believing there is no other option.

Anyone who has made it through the kind of situation you are in will do nothing but try to convince you to reconsider. The reason is because anyone who has seriously contemplated suicide also believed their life was over, and things were hopeless. You're not alone in thinking things are hopeless.

Maybe if you tell us a little bit about you and what is going on in your life we can understand your situation better?
 
Hey Graham-

We definitely aren't going to tell you how to end your life.

Have you ever seen the video of that guy that swallowed lethal pills, in a courtroom. It's not painless. It's extremely painful You wouldn't want to go through that.

Would you share a bit more about yourself so we can better understand what you're going through?
 
I don't really want to post personal details on here. And if I told you my complete story it would take ages, it has been full of drastic ups and downs, a terrible childhood and a late diagnosis with autism which explained many of the issues I have had in my life.
 
Hey Graham, even if we were so inclined, we are not allowed to tell you how to kill yourself, it's against the rules. Like Mafioso said, the reason is that people become suicidal a lot, and literally everyone who recovers is later able to be thankful for it. We are a harm reduction site and as such we do not tell people how to take drugs lethally... it goes against our entire mission statement. It's not like the information isn't readily available or that there aren't other quick ways to accomplish it... so the fact that you're posting here leads me to believe you are looking for help, somehow.

I'm really sorry you're suffering, though. Have you tried rehab? Have you tried AA? I truly don't believe that anyone is beyond help or that things are ever so hopeless than they can't be improved and eventually fixed. I hope this doesn't seem callous to you but we will not be able to help you with what you seek. I do hope, though, that you consider that we have a great and supportive community here, and having a conversation about it couldn't hurt, and it might help.
 
You don't have to tell us your entire story, but maybe just a brief summary of some of the events you think are the more important ones so we can understand where you are coming from. Maybe start with you diagnosis and a few events that you say are explained by your diagnosis?

I know living with autism probably hasn't been anything close to easy, but at least you are able to understand your struggle. It's kind of like if you were living with asthma all your life, struggling to breath at times, and didn't know why until now. I'm sure it's a bit of a shock, but at least you can begin to do something about it. A diagnosis doesn't have to be a death sentence, and with the growing number of people diagnosed with autism, I think things are actually looking up. Every cure first began at the diagnosis. As we deepen our understanding of the disorder, we also become closer to the solution. You must first understand the problem in order to solve it.

I'm sorry to hear you are having issues, but the truth is that even people without autism have major issues in life. We all must fight out own battles. My enemies and the tools I have to fight them will probably not be the same as yours, or the next. But don't mistake difference for better or worse.



I'm looking forward to hearing more about your story. I don't know you, but I'd like to. I want to know what it's like to live with autism, I imagine it isn't easy.

You have me and 10yrs here to talk to, so you can't say no one is listening. There's at least 2 people who aren't judging you for your situation, and I'm confident there are more.

Edit: And now Shadow, as well. That makes 3.
 
Unfortunately, I was born in the early 80's, autism was not understood, so I was just labelled as an oddball. Every social interaction was awkward. Eye contact was impossible.

I grew up to be a successful professional person, however, I was only diagnosed when I was close to 40.

The problem is that I found that intoxication allowed me to hide my autism from others, so slid into a disastrous scenario of being permanently intoxicated because I just wanted to be normal.

I am now at "rock-bottom", I cannot do anything without some kind of intoxicant in my system. I've had enough, my body is failing, my career has come to an end, and have lost contact with my family and friends. I have no options.

There is nothing in my life that I can derive pleasure from. There is nothing that I can look forward to, and there is certainly nothing worth working for, from my perspective.

I tried my best, I worked hard and had some successes in my life, but I just cannot compare myself to normal people. I have nothing in common with them. I will always be an outsider, I would just rather eat a handful of pills and start from scratch.
 
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Killing yourself isn't "starting from scratch". Surely you must have something in your life worth living for even if it's small?
 
From the minute I wake up until the minute that I eventually pass out, I am always considering how to close my eyes forever and never wake up.

I have been abused and belittled all of my life, now that my career has ended, I am now in tatters, no job, no house, no life, no money.

I have no family, no friends - the nicest person I know comes in 750ml bottles.

My friends from school now have families, houses, good jobs and are doing well for themselves. I'm rolling around the floor at 4am by myself desperately trying to suck the last few drops out of a wine bottle.

I'm just such an utter piece of crap.

I've had enough and there is no future for me. I took a massive overdose a few months ago and still woke up in the morning - I couldn't even get that right! I am well-educated, so please don't talk about counselling, cognitive behavioural therapy, or detox programs - I've tried them all, they are as much use to me as a chocolate saucepan.

There is only one solution for me. I have spent years thinking about it - my best plan with the greatest chance of success is to go into the city and buy as much H as I can afford and do it all in one go. I suspect that this method is not painful.

Talking about it on here is very stupid, to be honest. I just want to be anonymous and get the deed done. I guess that I just wanted to make one last grasp before I go.
 
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Please know you are not an ?utter piece of crap?. You matter greatly in this painful world. There is always time to move on with life differently than you have before. No one can change your mind, but don?t ever think you do not matter. I pray you see yourself as more than you do at this moment and change your course. Put as much effort into moving forward as you have into ending things.
Wishing you nothing but the very best.
M2L
 
I appreciate your sentiment. However, I have no family or friends to fall back on. I am not currently able to work. Once my bank account hits zero, that's it, the ATM won't give me anymore, so what am I supposed to do? I have absolutely no future. I don't have anyone I can confide in, I don't have anyone at all in fact, my 24 hour substance abuse caused me to be ostracised by both my family and my friends.

I studied and qualified to become a professional person, never had a problem with academia. Because of the damage to my health there is no way that I could go back to that now. You'd be surprised if I told you what qualifications I hold. My career dropped off for many reasons, not because of my inability to work hard, moreso my inability to accept that I was destroying myself from the inside out.

Someone told me that I was using intoxicants as a kind of self-harm behaviour. But I don't want to be harmed, I want to be released from this torture forever.

I'm sure loads of people will post on here trying to convince me to change my mind or reconsider. Please save your breath. My IQ is 138, I can guarantee you that I have considered all of my options in depth.

I have nothing to offer the world. I was abused by my family. I know that I can never be "normal". I've just had enough, but this is not some fleeting idea which might go away, it's the culminations of decades spent considering what a loser I am.

If I was in the USA, I wouldn't even be posting this. I would have just bought a carefully engineered piece of metal which can shoot a bullet through my head, and rid me from this planet.

I don't want to move forwards from here. I just want to silence the anguish, the anxiety and the depression that I have in every waking moment because I know that I am much worse than every person on the planet.
 
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I don?t know what part of the world you are in, I am in Canada. There is always help, albeit financially or emotionally. You seem exceptionally bright, so I am sure I don?t need to tell how to reach out. I just really, really encourage you to do so. You are a couple years younger than me- you have over half a life to live yet! Don?t give up. One day at a time, one hour at a time, even a moment at a time- you can get through this! You have touched quite a few of us, total internet strangers, who care about you. Take some consolation in that. There is light at the end of the tunnel.
 
I have been a user of this forum for almost 20 years. Which is why I had to create a new account for the purposes of reaching out about the situation I am now in.

I just don't understand what normal people think when they wake up in the morning, and then get out of bed and go about their daily lives.

I only get out of bed when the liquor store opens.

I am a wretched excuse for a human being, I just long for the night when I can close my eyes and not wake up. And I am certain that when this finally happens, my (ex) friends and my (estranged) family will be having a big party - the idiot loser has finally died!

If I could cast a magic spell, and give me back the good job I once had, regain the respect of my family and friends, then I would do it right now at any cost. Unfortunately that is nothing more than pure fantasy, so I have to accept the wretched condition that I now find myself in.

I think that people who are serious about suicide don't tell anyone, they just get it done. The ones that broadcast their attentions are only looking for attention, so I guess I find myself in the losers bracket once again despite wearing my heart on my sleeve for all and sundry to view in the vain hope that there could possibly be another option. I know that in my situation, that there is no option, so I am starting to resent my original post.

At least there will be this thread for the police to view on my computer so that they understood how tortured I was, so maybe not a complete waste of time.
 
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Not sure if I can be described as normal, but my first thoughts are usually can I get away with working from home yet again? Do I really have to do this again?
It?s okay to go into the office with no make up and messy hair- casual Friday right?
Why couldn?t I have been born wealthy instead of good looking???

Good thoughts don?t kick in until I force them too, several hours after waking and copious amounts of coffee.
I have lurked for 5 years, no where near your 20 years. You must be full of useful knowledge.
You mentioned you cannot maintain your professional employment due to your health issues. It?s crazy what you can do from home, and be paid these days. Crazy I tell you.

Please don?t give up on yourself.
 
There are always options! Always, always, always. What stops you from choosing to get help to quit drinking? I know it won?t be easy and will hurt, but it has to be easier than how you are living and feeling now.
 
In a nutshell - every doctor will tell you to drink less.

I agree that alcohol destroys your body and mind over many years.

However, I don't want to be patronised by the doctor when alcohol is the only friend I have in my life. If the doctor told me that I could choose between 10 years with no alcohol, or that I could keep drinking and only live for one more year, I would always choose the latter.

People have never understood me really, I was always different. Alcohol allows me to stop thinking. I could never give it up.

My life has been full of awful social interactions where people think that I am stupid because I can't look them in the eye, and give very verbose responses to normal questions.

I feel lost, confused, embarrassed and so depressed. I forget these things after a lot of alcohol, which is why I suppose that it is now the most important thing in my life. Alcohol gives me short term confidence in myself whilst causing very serious damage long-term.

But I just think of myself as a "no-hoper".

I think that term describes me very well.
 
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Your posts hurt my heart. You are worth more than a bottle of alcohol. In my completely unprofessional opinion, alcohol is causing you to feel this way. You say people don?t understand you, that just means you haven?t met people yet that do understand and love you. Many many years in front of you to find what you are looking for. It will happen. I just know it.
 
That may describe how you feel but definitely not who you are. Depression is a nasty thing, I am currently battling the system and support for my 15 year old. It makes you feel like less than you are. Rather than see a doc about alcohol, what about for depression? There are good, compassionate doctors out there.
I have to go for the evening, please take care and please realize you are worth more than you think. You will be in my thoughts tonight and I hope to see you post tomorrow. Hang in there, it will get better!!!
M2L
 
I'm just looking to keep drinking until I die. Unless someone offers me something else that will kill me. Methaqualone or H seems to be a good way to do it.

I've met a lot of people in my life. If I haven't met anyone who understands or loves me after almost 40 years, what realistic chance is there of that happening now?

Even if there are many years ahead of me, I don't want to experience them. I'm done.
 
Your last paragraph is the same phrase my 15 yr old tells me daily. Stay strong, it will get better. Promise you that.
 
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