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Recovery 8thday done with Poppyseed Tea/Wash! Week of Hell!

Hi 8thday!!

I've read your entire story thus far...And I totally get where you are coming from. I've been addicted to heroin for 18 years now. Holy shit!!! That's a big number:) I only remember because its the same year
the Twin Towers fell in NYC. I am currently trying to withdraw myself. Seems like I am always trying to withdraw. The fear of that process has kept me using day after day. It stopped being fun years ago.

Like most addicts, you want what you want RIGHT NOW!!! Please try to be patient. You said that you have been consuming PST for 4-5 years. Feeling comfortable in your skin can't happen overnight, as badly
as we want it. I'm rooting for you. I always love a redemption story. There are so few for the addicted. I hope to be one as well. In the meantime, you mentioned possibly going to some meetings?

I started going back to NA about two months ago. Mostly for the social aspect, as I have become a complete recluse over time. But a funny thing happened along the way...I started listening. And when in the past I use to make excuses for why NA sucked (people one-upping each other about drug consumption, feeling like I want to use after a meeting etc..), this time I really took what I needed from the meeting
and left the rest.

If nothing else, it gets you out of the house for a minute and you surround yourself with people that know EXACTLY what you are going through.

It can be pretty powerful. And its a safe place to unload what is going on in your life. Anyway, good luck to you. You have accomplished so much already! Keep posting:)
 
Iceman, I cannot imagine head and neck cancer. WOW! 5 years and you are living!! My husband deals with cancer day in and out and that is amazing that you made it through. Most don't. You are here for a reason!!!

I don't know if you are a religious or spiritual person, but believe me there is help from above. I think we are here to learn and grow. You have been through an amazing ordeal. I cannot imagine the diagnosis of cancer and going through radiation. I know the feeing you have right now of being stuck. You don't feel good taking the same amount of medication every day. It makes you feel like hell! Getting off of the stuff is no easy feat though, but what you have already been through is unbelievable!! You've got this. With everything I've been reading, the pain is worse the first week or so, but that is part of the withdrawal. I would see your doctor and ask for help through tapering (which is sheeeeerrrr misery) but you can do this! I think the cold turkey thing really messed with my brain because I have not been sleeping at all. The taper is hard but I think it is a safer way to not throw your body into what I did. Really, no sleep for 10 days. I was about to throw myself in front of a passing car because I was so unbelievably exhausted in every single way.

I'm so sorry. Honestly, making me tear up knowing that you want to get off of medication. I wish I lived by you and I would bring you things and listen to you and encourage you. This really is so incredibly hard. I will be on here, if you need me. If you decided to do it. You have to be ready though. I will be praying for you. XO
 
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Thanks love missile, I think I will find a support group somewhere around here. This is really difficult. I am up in the middle of the night, no sleep. Not sure how to deal with this insomnia.
 
Start of day 18 -- 3:30am and no sleep. I am so completely frustrated. I started taking Lexapro yesterday. It makes everyone else tired and sleepy. Not me. My heart has been racing all night along with the sweats that are back. I don't know what to do. If I don't take two Xanax, I don't sleep. I don't want to trade one addiction for another. I don't like Xanax, the only think I like about it is it eventually shuts my brain down and nothing else will. So tired and wishing I was better. Feeling down. I just want to go to sleep on my own.
 
Good morning 8thday! You're starting DAY 18. Day 18. That's huge. Wow. You are getting so close to turning a corner.

I'm not sure if I told you, but I still felt horrible on day 16. I still hadn't eaten or slept. I was precribed Neurontin (gabapentin) on that day and felt much better.

Getting GABA supplements is worth a try. I've read and heard great things about them. I wish I would've known about them.

I used to get an Rx for #90 1mg Xanax with 2refills a month. I'd take #90 in 3 days. It was insane. I asked my Dr to only write #30 a month. That was more manageable.

I don't take benzos regularly. Once in awhile. I'm not "allowed" to take them because I'm on Subutex.

I'm not an expert on Xanax, but even if you took them for sleep while detoxing, you could taper off of them. From what I've read and heard on BL, you won't get addicted from a few weeks of using them.

I know this is maddening. I say that with sincerity and from experience. But, you're going to get through it. From what I've read, of people detoxing from PST, is at 3weeks you can feel alot of improvement. You're 3 days away from three weeks. Look how far you've come. You're practically bullet-proof. It's not for the faint of heart.

Hang in there 8thday.
 
Hi 8thday!

How are you? I hope you're hanging in there. I hope you stop in to update us.
 
@10years or Stargazer, Thank you for checking on me. You are so wonderful!!!
 
DAY 21!!! 3 freaking weeks!!!! What a rollercoaster I am still on. This has been the biggest ass kicker of all time and I don't think I am close to being done with this horrible recovery.

I am still not sleeping, still having the sweats and brain zaps and chills, but it gets better every week. I went to a doc because taking Xanax every night is not something I want to do. I don't want to trade one addiction for another. I have a few more, but I wanted to get on something that might help me sleep that wasn't addictive since this whole journey I have decided to go on was to not be addicted to something. I didn't explain everything, just the not sleeping. I am on a new med and it is helping calm my brain a bit. I feel exhausted all day, but I don't know if that is the no sleep for 10 days and then sleeping very little the last 10 days and pooping out everything I eat after a few hours or this anti-anxiety medication. I have been making myself hike every single day. It is horrible to make myself get out to do, but about a half hour after I start, I start to feel like my old self again. Exercise is the only thing that helps me feel good. I don't know why I dread to do it every day because I feel 1000x better after I do it.

I had no idea when I started this, that I would still be dealing with withdrawal symptoms after 3 weeks. I still get the hot flashes and am so exhausted, but my brain will not shut off. So strange. Last night I took a .75 Xanax and I might take that again tonight and go down to .5 and then hope to stop taking the stuff altogether since I am getting a little better. My insomnia is the only thing I cannot deal with. I don't know why others can sleep, but I can't. Very frustrating. You would think after what my body has been through, it would need some rest and want to sleep all of the time, but it doesn't at all!!

I have been making myself work and do things all day and by the end of the day I start sweating and getting the zaps and feeling so nauseous. I know that my body is just so over done, but I have to get things done.

I don't know how much longer this is going to take. I really thought 10 days to 2 weeks seemed reasonable and most people seemed to be feeling better by then, but not me. My body does not want to give the drug up. It is fighting and doesn't know what to do without it. I have no desire to take it. I want to be done with this horrible feeling and get back to a life without addiction. Some days, I miss the feeling good and having energy and wanting to feel back to what I thought was normal, but I remember how I would feel when the dependency had grown too large and I felt like crap every day then too. I want to be healthy and free of always worrying about when to make the Poppyseed stuff and taking some with me if I knew I would be gone too long, or worrying about traveling on a vacation and how would I do it. I still have lots of pain pills. I would always save them from surgeries, but I think it is time to dump them and never have those ingested by anyone I know because they have ruined my life. They do change your brain chemistry and make you feel like it is the best anti-depressant ever and you can't ever feel normal without them. Well, I can. I am going to feel normal, it will be a new normal and I will have to deal with life like a normal person instead of getting extra dopamine to help me through the day. Life is hard most of the time. Life can bring beautiful rewards, but only after you deserve them, not ingest them.
 
Hey 8th day!!!!

I'm so glad you came by. ❤️❤️❤️ I think of you all the time. You may not believe it but you are KICKING ASS. Detoxing is one hell of a test. You made it THREE WEEKS. Three long, miserable, getting your ass handed to you weeks. If that's not your idea of strong, I'd be interested to hear what your definition is. Eye surgery without anesthesia?

The insomnia is a pain in the ass. It's common for it to last a little while after stopping opiates. As you start feeling better, you may have trouble sleeping, but won't feel like complete shit anymore.

I used to feel some dread every morning before going to the gym in rehab. But, felt great after I worked out. I also wondered what my deal was with that too.

There was this woman in our group at rehab, that seemed to always try to one-up us. No matter what we were doing or talking about.

So,while we were all working out, I'd say these crazy things like -"When I went to Prague for a convention last Winter..." or "When I spent 6mos with the Venuzulean orphans". Crazy stuff like that. Everyone got what I was doing. I'd say it really matter-of-factly during workouts. Once I said "If I can work out while having E-bola, I don't want to hear any bitching", the Dr looked at me, shocked, then smiled and shook his head. We'd all burst out laughing. It was alot of fun. People were coming off a large doses of opiates. It kept us going. Just a funny memory I have - even during one of the most difficult times in my life.

You're doing so well 8thday. I swear you're going to be talking about this in the past tense one day. And encouraging someone else that doesn't believe they're going to get through it. You'll say, "I got through it. If I can do it, anyone can ". ❤️
 
Hey 8th day. I have been reading your posts for quite some time now. You are doing an amazing job. You certainly are an inspiration. Just wanted to let you know that your journey has hit home and I am rooting for you to continue with your success!

10YearsGone- the support you provide all over this site is truly phenomenal. You are such a comfort, with no judgement to anyone. A lot of your posts hit home for me.

Keep up the great work ladies!

M2L
 
Today is day 23! I'll start with yesterday though. DAY 22 - Kinda slept maybe 4-5 hours, drugged with the new med they put me on BusPar for anxiety. It has been helping my brain calm down. I"ve started the taper off of Xanax and am down to ,25, so half of a pill a night and will do it for 3 nights until I go a quarter pill and off. I have about 10 more. Woke up just tired, no energy, not wanting to do all of the 500 things I had to do yesterday. Made myself get kids off and was going to hike before I had to take a child to get wisdom teeth out, but it started raining on the way home from dropping my last kid off to school. I thought I might go to the gym but just not having any motivation or energy so I came home and made myself clean and do laundry for an hour before I had to do the wisdom teeth thing. Had to take my kid to get meds and as I was doing it, I was glad I didn't tell any doctors about my poppyseed tea issue because I would have been put on some kind of warning and been unable to get the meds. I have no desire to take any pain pills. I still have other ones that I've saved for trips. I would have felt horrible standing there, trying to get meds for my child and not being able to because of my old love affair with opiates. People can change. You can be around something that ruled you and not want it. I don't ever want to ingest any opiates, ever. When I am feeling crappy and want energy, it would be nice to take a pill that just makes you feel better, but it doesn't last, and it isn't natural to feel that good and have that much energy. Life isn't easy and life doesn't feel good and calm most of the time and I need to learn to deal with it. After getting the child home and cleaning, I had to get other kids home from school and make dinner and get a child to golf lessons. I was having a horrible time with anxiety and not wanting to do anything. At golf. I watched for a minute, but I went on a walk. I walked for 45 minutes, 3 miles and I felt so incredibly great! I felt happy and just 10000 times better. Got home, had a million people over becasue of the wisdom teeth and just kids over and family. I cleaned up and went to bed early. I slept for 7.5 hours!!! That was the longest I have slept in over 3 weeks. Recovery is actually happening. I can see a light at the end of a long tunnel.

Day 23. It's early but after sleeping 7.5 hours due to BusPar, Gabapentin and small dose of Xanax, I'm feeling good. I'm getting there. I didn't sweat last night or wake up with hot and cold zings up my back and body. I didn't have everything I eat run out of me yesterday, in fact, I only went once yesterday. Gross I know, but when you have had diarrhea for 3 weeks, it shows that my body is finally starting to heal. I haven't had Immodium for over a week because I wanted to see when my body was coming down from running on high from the CNS overload of stopping cold turkey. I'm starting to feel like myself. I am remembering how I felt before I took the stuff and why I did feel like I needed the medication. It does make you feel great, but not for long. I've just had to realize, it isn't normal and most people push themselves to do things they don't want to do and after you do and accomplish something, that is when you get the satisfaction and feel good feeling.

I am hoping the depression and anxiety will lessen more and more. I am feeling really good so far today. Probably because I actually slept!
 
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much to lose, 10 years, thank you. The support through this has really helped me. So nice to know I'm not alone and we can do this. There is a light at the end of a tunnel.
 
25 days. I'm hanging in there. The anxiety, depression and lack of energy or desire to do anything is killing me. I am planning on it being rough for at least 40 days for certain reasons. I'm hoping after that I will be a bit better. Still having some hot flashes and diarrhea. It is much better every week, but still really hard. Still not sleeping on my own. Very frustrating.
 
25 days is amazing! You should be super proud of yourself and remember this when despression and anxiety come to surface.
Keep it up- you are worth it!!!
 
This made my day! You are seeing the glimmers of light. Thank you God. Thank you God. It's a slow process, but it gets better and better. That's a promise.

8thday, I spent years trying to stay high. It's not possible. Toward the end of my heroin and pain med use, it was no longer masking my anxiety. The euphoria that I felt from pain meds was short lived really. 3/4 of my opiate dependence was pills. 1/4 of it was IV heroin.

The very first time I used IV heroin, I did it to spite someone. Of course, the person I was spiting was myself. I also thought, if IV heroin helped with my headaches, so be it. I had tried every med and treatment available and nothing worked.

What actually helped most, was getting some control of my anxiety and panic attacks. I became able to think more rationally.

Neurontin helps with anxiety and depression. I found with that stuff more controlled, I had more energy and ambition naturally. That stuff really drains you. You don't realize just how much until you have it under control.

I couldn't live like that again. I don't know how I survived to be honest. Between that and chronic cluster headaches, on top of other traumatic things I've went through, it's really nothing short of a miracle I didn't kill myself. If not for my daughter, I may have.

TWENTY FIVE DAYS!!! You are a superstar. It's going to get better and better. I am so proud of you. ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
 
Congrats! Imma try to be getting off soon as well. I recently relapsed, but I just got my medical marijuana card. Once I can buy some bud, ill try to quit with the help of that. Mainly just for sleep. I can suck it up throughout the day, but I just need some sleep. I get horrible Restless Leg Syndrome, which is the main symptom that I cannot deal with. Thankfully I also got a medicine called "Requip" and that stops that as well at 1mg.
 
Much2lose, 10years, Chris, Thanks for the support. Still much needed. I am so exhausted today. The Gabapentin does help me sleep but makes me so sick. My guts hurt after I started taking it and I could hardly sit. It bloated me up for some reason. Terrible! I'm mad because it actually helped me sleep.

I've never had other drugs, so I don't know what they could do to help, but going cold turkey with nothing was unbelivably unbearable, so whatever works for you to get through this month of hell. If marajuana is legal or whatever, I couldn't use it, but if it helps you, go for it. I'm hoping I start to sleep. I just need some sleep. I am still having the restless leg and hot flashes and it has almost been a month. It is getting better but still there. How long do these withdrawal symptoms last. Two months?

It's day 26! I have a million things to do today and I've only had about 2.5 hours of sleep per night for the last few nights. At least it is something, so I shouldn't complain. Can't wait for a full 8! I hope you all have the best day!
 
8th day i am absolutely in awe of anyone who can do these long withdrawals off their own bat.

i feel a bit pathetic cos i couldn't even get through a week long smack rattle.

is there nothing else you can get for sleep? i have used zopiclone a lot, or zolpidem? i also tried promethazine though that didn't work for me, neither has any OTC remedy, and i have tried everything. just something that doesn't make you sick? i say this cos unfortunately, my experience with the much shorter heroin withdrawal, is that sleep issues persist quite a while after the end of withdrawal so i worry that by trying to battle on, you are needlessly prolonging your suffering.
 
Chinup, I don't want to take much for sleep if I can, I am hoping my brain will start to recover and remember what sleep is....this is horrible. The insomnia is the worst thing by far, then the anxiety and depression. Kind of kicking me in the ass, but I am hoping that I will get better in the next couple of months. I am trying to look at this as a pregnancy or training for a marathon. It takes months and lost of care and discipline to have a good result at the end. I didn't take ibuprofen or Tylenol or any meds whatsoever when I was pregnant, even when I was horribly sick and the end results were the best gifts of my entire life. The marathon takes months and extreme dedication in eating, and training. These are the only two things I can relate this too right now that give me some kind of hope. Training for a marathon doesn't take a month. It takes months and your body needs to develop and strengthen into being able to handle the stress from your muscles, tendons, bones, cardiovascular and your mental dedication. It is probably going to take me at least six months to get better. I didn't think that at the beginning. I thought that I would be fine after two weeks, at a month, I would be back to myself before opiate use. I can see how wrong I was to think that. I don't know if I would have been able to do it had I known how hard this would be. I would have really had to prepare myself to do this instead of just jumping into it. I am glad I did it. I'm glad I did it the way I have. The 10 days with no sleep will be one of those things that you can't explain to anyone unless they have been through such severe insomnia and physical sickness. I am strange....I like going through hard things. I think they make you a better person. I know they do. The people on here have been through so much and I admire and love them for it. Life is hard. It is nice to have supportive and wonderful people that don't judge and just want to make you feel like you are okay and not alone.
 
Day 29! Still suffering with insomnia. I ordered some 5htp and gaba...kinda nervous about taking it. Any advice and help would be wonderful! I went off of the Buspar. It did kind of help with anxiety but bloated me up so I had so much gas in my guts that I could hardly walk around and it just hurt all of the time. I got on the scale this morning after stopping it 24 hours ago, which means it is out of my system because of its short half life. I was down 4 pounds!!!!!! I could hardly get my pants on and it would hurt! I looked 5 months pregnant with that stuff. I wanted to give it over a week to see if the side effects would stop, but they didn't! It didn't help a whole lot and I am a bit crazy about my weight so being up 4 pounds about did me in and made my anxiety worse! I am so OCD with fat and weight. Wish I wasn't, but I am.

I am wondering about taking Zoloft? With this help with anxiety and sleep? I have Trintillex, Prozac, Zoloft, Lexapro......my doc gave them all to me but I kept changing my mind on what I wanted to take and now I have all four. What do you advise? I am afraid to take anything because I took a small dose of Lexapro over a week ago and was up all night shaking with sweats and hot flashes and sick! I don't know if it really was the lexapro or just a really bad night, but I had not had the sweats for days and I always have the hot flashes, even this morning. This is really kicking my butt. The only thing that makes me feel any better is exercise. It is so hard to get myself to get out, and hard to keep pushing myself because I have ZERO energy and my legs burn, but I do feel better and it takes the anxiety away.

Please help. Still suffering. I won't take anything illegal, although I know some of it helps. I would like to do it as natural as I can, in hopes my brain will start to function on its own. I don't want to be addicted to anything else. I have about 4 Xanax left and I am going to taper and maybe take some Gabapentin to help sleep. Those have been the only things to help. I did read a couple of articles about Kiwi's and sleep. I ate two before bed last night along with an orange and two tomatoes that I had for dinner and a bunch of vitamins and a melatonin and I actually slept last night, but I don't know if that is because I didn't sleep at all the night before and my body actually slept. I still haven't gone to sleep on my own in a month now. I have had to have Xanax or Gabapentin. I have less than a week of them because I break them in half. It has been over two weeks since I have been taking Xanax and I am nervous about getting off of it. I hope I don't have withdrawals from that too. I've never had Xanax before and my doc prescribed 24. Will that cause a withdrawal from 3 weeks and 24 pills?

It is a beautiful and sunny day here today. I wish I had the desire to do something. I have nada! I am going to make myself put on makeup and go for a walk and do laundry. I am lucky I don't have the added stress of having to go to work today to provide for my family. My husband has been so incredibly sweet to me and keeps telling me how proud he is of me and wishes he could do something to help. Not sure how I got so lucky to have the most wonderful husband in the world, but I do.
 
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