• S E X
    L O V E +
    R E L A T I O N S H I P S


    ❤️ Welcome Guest! ❤️


    Posting Guidelines Bluelight Rules
  • SLR Moderators: axe battler | xtcgrrrl | arrall

How to introduce new significant other to my daughter?

MrRoot

MrRoot

Bluelight Crew
Joined
Apr 15, 2011
Messages
2,121
Hi,
I am currently in a situation in which I have divorced over six months ago and my soon four year old daughter understands that mommy has his own house and dad has his own house and that they don't anymore love each other and won't be a couple anymore but they are still mom and dad to her.

I have been seeing a girl for a while and we are in a relationship now and have even been thinking about her moving to my house soon. My girlfriend has spare time during weekends and would like to see me as often as possible but I have my daughter with me during weekends for one or two nights depending on how we choose with my ex-wife. Therefore I haven't been seeing my girlfriend when my daughter is with me so she don't have to think about difficult stuff about who is she for her etc.

As my relationship with my girlfriend has come into a stage in which we are considering her to move to my place so my daughter has to see my girlfriend after moving together anyway.

I would like to know how I could introduce my girlfriend to my daughter in the best way and would like to hear how others have worked out this.

Thanks in advance for any advice.
 
if she is serious i would do it soon. how long have you been together? thats the kind of a thing that denotes the future trajectory in terms of probabilities
 
Last edited:
We've known each other for ten years but been in a relationship for few months only and I forgot to add that my daughter has seen my girlfriend few times before we started our relationship and knows her by name and that she is a friend of mine.

We are serious about our relationship since we've discussed a lot about our future and are making real plans about her moving to my house such as her asking her boss about getting a transition for a closer workplace and such.
 
Yes I am serious about being in a relationship with him. It is a first time in my life that I feel being in a relationship in which I can finally share everything about my life to him without having to hide my past or pretend to be something else than I am. I am feeling being loved as I am with all the flaws and good sides.

we can talk about everything and the only thing I am wondering about going forward is how I should proceed with the "introduction" to his daughter and also I am wondering about my role in the future as I won't be a mom as she already has one but still I am going to be around her so I still am a some kind of a rolemodel to her and know that I will develop feelings toward her too.

it is not as simple as being with a guy without children but I am looking forward to it although I know it might be hard sometimes.
 
I would do the introduction well before anyone moves in. The daughter needs to get used to the concept, and you need to spend more time with her and her father together Artemisia. If I were you I would take things very slow. Do you have any children of your own?

I'm not certain how well blended families in Finland function, but many struggle in the United States so I wouldn't rush into anything or do anything to forfeit your autonomy just yet. Often things go well at first, and then can quickly go bad. Take everything slow - there is no rush. Make certain this is a situation you can live with as she is his daughter and is going to be around frequently, possibly all the time. It is possible that something happens to her mother and she lives with MrRoot 24/7, so you have to be 100% on board with this. If you find you are dreading her visits or hiding in your room when she is visiting, soberly consider continuing forward with the relationship by moving while she is young.

To keep things going smoothly it's best to establish ground rules early on, such as respect, rule enforcement, decisions affecting the child. Boundaries need to be established for everybody. As you are not her family, most likely she will view you as an outsider and will not want your input into her life as you are not a parent, you are somebody who is taking her father's attention away from her.

How you interact early on with each other is really going to determine how the relationship continues, so if disrespect is tolerated now it will most likely only continue to get worse, so address problems quickly as they arise (if they arise). It is important that all of you have a voice in these dynamics, but keep in mind she is a child and should not have equal voice as the adults.

As for your role, you are not a parent but you are a resident in the house so your feelings are just as important as her feelings and vice versa. As the mother is still living, I would leave discipline, major decisions, and care taking, and maintenance to MrRoot and the biological mother. If you try taking a mother role with her she may feel threatened as she already has a mother and doesn't want her replaced. Though she's young, she may harbor resentments about her parents splitting and if you jump into a mother role she may be triggered to act out.

As for disclosing your relationship with her father to her, I think MrRoot needs to have that talk with her one on one, and needs to be very clear that your are not the cause of the end of her parent's relationship. Doing this just father/daughter gives her the opportunity to ask questions or share feelings in a safe environment. After the talk all of you should do something together, and you should increase the amount of time you spend with them. I would be open and positive and as patient as possible as this is going to be hard on both of you and MrRoot has to do his best to accommodate and respect both of your feelings.

I didn't intend for this to be so long, and I hope it doesn't come off as negative as that is not my intention. It's a very delicate situation. I recommend you create an account on steptalk.org and pose this question. You will get much better feedback there imo. You can also read how others handled similar situations and it may give you ideas about how to tell her and what to expect. Good luck you two!
 
Congratulations on finding each other! It sounds like this is going to be a long term thing for both of you. That's great.

Honestly, I'm going to give different advice than Moreaux- but let me say upfront I have no experience with this personally. My parents are still married.

I think you guys shouldn't make a big deal out of this. If she has already met Artes, then that makes it easier. Do other friends hang out with you and your daughter, Root? If so, this shouldn't be alarming for her. Just introduce her as your "favorite friend" or "special friend." Not to sound cheesy, but it's gotta be something a 4 year old can understand.

You guys should gradually start hanging out together more and more, and even do a few sleep overs before any cohabitation. Artes, she will love you. Moreaux was right that discipline shouldn't be anything you need to worry about, but your feelings are important t of. You should just be her friend. Do fun things with her. Win her over! 4 year olds will fall in love with anyone willing to play Barbie or my little pony with them! Build a good friendship so it's a happy thing when you come over. It may take some time, but I'm guessing not long.

Also, I think it's important that when she is with you guys you make it about her and not about your relationship. I had a friend who had his kids twice a week, and he would go out at least one of the two nights with his girlfriend, and those kids despised her. I always felt it was because they didn't get much time with him during the week and then they fault like the girlfriend was taking time away (which she was).. If you guys want to watch a movie on nights that she is there,that's great, she will love it - just make sure you include her! I'm sure you guys will do this without me saying this, you both seem like awesome people, I just wanted yo give you some advice based on what I have seen.

I really believe that if you give her enough time, this will go smoothly and pretty soon you will be another member of the family - and the fun one, too! One that never gets mad or grounds her and is always here if she needs her.

Good of luck you guys!

- VE
 
Just remember kids dont have the same understanding of relationships as adults and try to not over analyse things.

Kids are all about us paying attention to them so just spend time as a family playing together.
 
From the replies I have built a plan in which I gradually introduce Artemisia being around while my daughter is in my place and If my daughter wants her to stay longer then she can stay.

As my daughter is so young still everything revolves around her so we actually can't have time between Artemisia and me while my daughter is with us and it is not a problem for neither of us. We have weekdays for being together alone so there is not a lack of 'quality' time between adults.

We have thought about the rules and came into conclusion that Artemisia shouldn't discipline except when the bad thing done was directly towards Artemisia and in other cases she could just say things like 'can't you remember how your dad feels about this' instead of using her own authority.

My daughter has behaved pretty much the same during our divorce as she has been doing all the time and never I have seen that ahe would blame herself fornthe divorce as we divorced quite gradually and in good terms without any drama. All she has ever asked is if daddy and mommy could start living in a same house again few times but now she refers her home as mother's home and weekend home as dad's home. She even asked once if I would move to their house if mother changes to a different kind for you and also asked her mother if we all could live together if dad changes. Once she even said that your problems aren't my problems. She is emotionally very smart girl.

I guess I'll have this talk with my daughter today and then we all go to some activity center for kids and play there together for a while and go to have some food at the restaurant.

Thanks for the kind advices everyone.
 
That sounds like a great plan MrRoot and congratulations to the both of you! I hope everything goes smoothly - fingers crossed!
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Top