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Recovery Journal

Valid point. "Busy work" could easily exasperate the cravings... I.e. I'm busy at work all day but all I wanna do is get high. However when I'm mentally buried in something I love and I'm ENGAGED, everything else seems far away.

Good distinction there.

Question: What's a good way to get my energy level up a bit? I find that I'm in good spirits overall but the tiniest little exertion wipes me out. I know that there is no magic bullet, but any good (and safe) ways to get a little boost? Stimulants are out of the question.
 
I feel bad for posting all this positivity in the dark side but this is the exact type of thing I would want to read when my mind went to the dark place.

To those in the struggle... You're beautiful and you can do it. It seems insurmountable but remember that you are in control.
 
You have NOTHING to apologize for Flux =D Positivity is never a bad thing <3
 
Flux -

Mad props on your progress. You are doing awesome!

- VE

edit: I wanted to add that the lack of energy was a killer. It's one of those things that, for me, got better every day. I only mad it about 6 weeks, but I was feeling better all the time.

another edit: I just noticed that this post made me a blue-lighter for real - no more green-lighter status for me! Not that sort of distant family relative anymore, now I'm immediate family!
 
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You are amazing!!! I can relate to your situation entirely, although l have been off of the harder pills and subs for years l still can't seem to quit completely and still take around 10 to 15 norcos a day. I spend at least 300 a week, feel terrible and l am over it. Haven't had anything since Sunday about 1:00. (PST) Thanks for sharing:)
 
14YearsOfFlux said:
Dear Flux, from Flux:

It's not really about the actions, it's about the behaviors that drive the actions. Find the why and find freedom. Fix the engine, THEN redo the paint.

If you chase any one specific metric, all the others will suffer. Seek to adjust your behaviors so that positive results manifest naturally. Be good to yourself and others.

Oh, and don't forget to pull those chicken breasts out of the freezer.

Thanks, self.
Click to expand...

This is great. "Find the why and find the freedom."<3
 
Thank you all. It's no exaggeration to say that this forum and everyone here has been a big part of my success this far.

My new favorite number is 134.

134 hours of sobriety. 134 hours of pure strength I didn't know I had in me! Everyhing else aside, isn't a badass feeling when you do something incredible that you didn't think you had in you? I love surprising myself.

I even got tempted today! Got a text that said "lookin for blues"?.... You can imagine how that felt... Goosebumps, heart raced, eyes started darting around.... But I'm proud to say that my response was a simple "no thanks" followed by me deleting all my dealer contacts.

This was a HUGE step. I had never been able to do this before because you know... "What if?" right? Not today. All gone. Since I don't have scripts of my own, that means even if I wanted to relapse, I can't!

It hasn't been all roses though... I had a few minor anxiety attacks today. A lot of big changes at work and a few other things that I would normally rely on pills to see me through popped up and I felt like a carpenter without a hammer.

It made me realize that I need to really begin developing the tools I need for when those situations arise.

The fight continues. And it is a war of attrition that I refuse to lose.

With every hour that passes, I feel more in control. With more control, comes more resolve, and with more resolve comes more comfort.

I can do this.
 
Ruby Slippers said:
You are amazing!!! I can relate to your situation entirely, although l have been off of the harder pills and subs for years l still can't seem to quit completely and still take around 10 to 15 norcos a day. I spend at least 300 a week, feel terrible and l am over it. Haven't had anything since Sunday about 1:00. (PST) Thanks for sharing:)
Click to expand...

If there is ANYTHING I can do to help, PM me!
 
Today is rough...

I dreamt I crushed and snorted a 30... I could feel it and taste it and snapped me out of an already fitful sleep.

I dunno if this was wise but I chose to double book some work today just to stay busy and in worn thin. I feel like my skin is paper thin.

Physical symptoms aren't bad but today is a mental war for sure.

Any tips?
 
Flux -

What helped me was logically looking at the situation. If I was stuggling mentally, and feeling just exhausted, I would remind myself that there were only two things I was absolutely sure of:

1). Opiates will NOT help
2). This will pass. It WILL get better. The only way it will not get better is if I forget about #1.

It sounds simple, but it did help me. I just never lost sight of #1 (until I did, but that's another story). That helped me tremendously.

Keep up the good work Flux. You are so fucking strong and you got this!

- VE
 
Doing things that are mindless can help get through the rough patches - going on a long bike ride, a hike, watching a movie and, my personal favorite, taking a nap. I hope you feel better Flux, I had a real rough day mentally, to the point where the stress started affecting me physiologically. I hope you can distract yourself and get through this. I don't find thinking through it very helpful when I'm already agitated, so I suggest you try and distract yourself. This too shall pass <3
 
Today was an interesting mix of high highs and low lows... Got out of bed at around 6:40 in a cold sweat, went downstairs and made coffee and played about 30 min of Xbox. I got incredibly excited because it was literally the first stretch of time where I had managed to "forget" my current situation. Woke up my son, made myself some eggs and him some sweet potato mush and began my day. Around 10 am I started to feel overwhelmed about some irrational shit I won't get into. I found that I was unable to calm my mind. This in turn exacerbated the RLS and I began to panic and feel weak for the first time this week. My wonderful wife walked me through some breathing and hit me with some encouraging words and after a walk to the store and back, I had regained my composure. We watched a movie and I again had a moment where I literally forgot I was withdrawing! Then realized it and broke down....

Massive waves of panic. That was about two hours ago. I've calmed down a little but the house is asleep and I feel terrified of even trying to lay down. The thought of trying to force sleep makes my physical symptoms roar back.

I'm attempting to stay distracted. It's not working. I'm gonna take a hot ass bath and try and slide into bed.

I'll let you know how it goes.

The important thing is.... I just finished another day clean and it's officially been A FULL WEEK! A new personal record (by a mile) for yours truly!

I'll probably be posting all night :(
 
Keep at it dude! The emotional roller coaster is all part and parcel of getting used a system no longer numbed by drugs. I love listening to music in that state, as I feel the music that much more. Just the right tune is sometimes enough for me to shed a tear or two.

Kick ass that you're having moments when you forget your troubles, that must feel great! Kick ass too that you've got a supportive family to help you through this, IMHO you stand a far higher chance of getting through this compared to doing it alone. How you doing today?
 
Thank you, Muzda Fuzda!

Last night was... Not good.

5:30 AM here. Last night was by far the hardest yet. It's as if the real withdrawals had a delayed onset of 7 days. Maybe this is possible but I doubt it; in any case, I slept for a total of about 1.5 hours. I kept getting overwhelmed by that "crawl out of your skin" classic acute withdrawl symptom, take a bath, try and sleep, no result. I feel ragged.

I'm disappointed because I feel so optimistic about my recovery that when there's a hiccup, I'm more let down than j should be because I got ahead of myself.

The minute I get out of bed, I feel instantly 80% better. My mind has a powerful fear association about going to sleep and feeling those hardcore physical symptoms kick. It was bad. It's always been that way for me when I've run out of drugs in the past. But I hadn't yet REALLY experienced it this go round. I think I made the mistake of letting some small piece of my psyche begin to believe I had dodged that bullet.

Nope.

But it's ok. The sun is coming up and today marks a week of sobriety! So discouraging to feel for the first time like i backslid. Hell, the night before, I slept for like 4 hours no problem. But last night was hard. I have to remember that there will be tests, many harder than this, that will try and wrench my sobriety away from me.

They won't win. I will.

Happy Sunday, BL! You guys continue to save my life daily.

If you have any inspirational words to start my day, I'd love to hear em.
 
Whoop! One week down! That is awesome, you should feel properly proud.

I know about that pain in bed thing. I'm 5 weeks into being clean now, and when I waken in the morning it feels like I've been on a bed of nails all night. Aches, RLS and whatnot. After 5 weeks it can't possibly be acute wd any more. But - just like you I feel almost completely better when I get up and about. It's been good for me in that regard because I've been jumping out of bed at stupid o'clock daily. My days are so much longer as a result, I'm getting loads done. :)
 
I'm falling apart... I don't wanna use again but I don't wanna feel this way anymore. I'm being impatient and very atypically addict-brained and I know it but I'm fucking over it.

I'm a shell. Rusted.
 
Flux -

im so sorry you are having a hard time.

You are in the middle of a process that is VERY difficult - there are bound to be bumps. When I was in your position, I fell across Refuge Recovery. Thank god. That helped me to sit with the feelings I was having (which was soooooooo hard after having ignored those feelings for literally years). That's how I made it through that part. For me, if I sat with the feelings, which sucked - especially the guilty feelings - then they would eventually pass - but if I ignored them, they were just there under the surface, all the time.

I know that during the acute phase, my mind and body rebelled every minute. Every other minute i would have the thought "why am I doing this to myself? I was more useful to my family on the opiates than I am now!." But then my rational self would start arguing back about "that may be true, but if I take any opiates I will right back where I started and I'm of no use to anyone in that state." I eventually had to differentiate between the drug talking and ME talking. Any voice in my head that doesn't support my decision to quit taking opiates is my monster - I started looking at "it" as Oscar the Grouch and I would literally envision myself slamming the lid down on his trash can and sitting on it to keep him in there.

Even typing this I feel stupid, but I swear to you it worked. I do know it can't work for all, but I have no advice that isn't my own. I'm sorry if it's not helpful. But, really, next time you are crawling out of your skin and can't sleep, search YouTube for Refuge Recovery and watch one or two videos. If they don't make sense, certainly move on to something that does.

Ok, one last thing, cause I'm knew to this supporting people stuff and this also really helped me. During my acute and shortly-after-acute phase, I was on another support forum. On that one there were only three of us active on the forum. There was me, who was doing cold turkey, another older lady (my moms age) who was doing a slowwwwww taper (6 months total), and one person who had been clean for about two years (thank god for her or it would have been the blind leading the blind, haha). I was struggling particularly bad one day and she asked me "would you rather have the best high you've ever had, or would you rather have peace?" that one statement stopped me in my tracks. I really had to consider what I wanted more - but just the act of considering it, and the truth and pain behind my opiate use, it wasn't even close. I wanted the peace, and it was worth fighting for. For me, anyway.

Please hang in there. I'm coming right behind you and I fully expect to see you at the finish line when I cross it. If toothpastedog, manboychef, and everyone else can do it, goddamnit so can we ;)

- VE
 
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