I am still fiending, and I also finally found a great job and am able to afford drugs. Work cuts time out of my ability to smoke weed all day, and I am finding that the weed is not messing up my performance per se, but that my interpersonal skills and work ethic are higher if I haven't smoked weed that day. Despite this I wake up early every morning and rock a lot of bong. In order to achieve great success in the "real world" (which is as unreal as it gets in my opinion, the whole system is set up to hide people from their true identity as The One :^P) I feel that I need to quit smoking too much weed. I'd dislike to receive a merely on-par performance review when I know I'm capable of going above and beyond. I just can't seem to care about anything or anyone all that much when I'm on the dope apart from the dope itself. Although liberating in a way, paradoxically, it is also restricting - because of how I feel the need for an external chemical in my body that is illegal (bullshit) and not always available, and also because of how it inevitably makes it harder for me to say things and do things. All depends on your personal philosophy, but I use drugs to become a free spirit, and weed is not helping me with this. Actually I'd say this became a problem years ago and it has yet to resolved. This is odd, because it changes everything so much, it has drastically altered the course of my life and the way I experience my existence.
I get by when I'm stoned all the time, but I do better when I'm off the stuff. I am also flat-out more intelligent in more ways than one when I'm not abusing cannabis. This is sometimes bothersome. The other thing is that it totally fucks me up when I'm withdrawing for a few days, so during that period, I have the option of smoking weed and being chill right away, or battling the cravings, irritability, and burnt out brain feeling for a week until they subside and I end up with a brain functioning at a higher efficiency and even feeling better emotionally. But all it takes is smoking pot once to dive right back into that hole, so I think at this point I am somewhat doomed.
The only time I am sober outside if work is when I don't have the immediate connection like today for instance. When I smoke weed a mere few times I week in small amounts, the consequences of this are wonderful. In theory this makes sense, but in practice I always end up smoking as much as I can. It makes no sense and I am aware of this, but I continue to act on the habitual tendency that has been ingrained in my mind over nearly a decade.
I don't need to quit, I just need to master myself. Sometimes I can control it. Or maybe I do need to quit. I'm always so confused. Unless I've been off it for a while, then I know damn well it does no good. Whether to be on the dope or off the dope, it drives me batshit crazy these days. No drug ever makes me have feelings like this, I just do the other ones and then they're over and done with. Even a month of no weed smoking and I'll still be thinking about it every day. I get baked and there isn't much of an issue until I run out and realize I'm a burnout. Seriously, fuck what this drug has done to me, fuck what I've become, but then again I love smoking weed so very very much.
