depression

It's like a blanket. A warm fuzzy blanket you can wrap yourself up in and hide from the world. It's comforting and secure. It's something you know and love and are so familiar with that it's like going back to an old friend.
Sometimes I just want the world to stop. Everything moves so fast and it just doesn't give you a chance to catch up. Every single day I wake up and just wish that I could stay in bed and forget the world exists. The trouble is that I just know that the world doesn't stop. That things will move even quicker and I'll have even less of a chance to catch up if I don't deal with it. So I get out of bed.
Happiness is what everyone strives for yet it feels so hectic. It's just so hard to achieve happiness, yet it's so easy to be sad. So easy to be in a state that you understand. Maybe it's a cop out.
It bothers me I feel like this. But it's the way I've always felt. And each day just seems to reinforce it. Lack of self esteem doesn't help. I know I'm not ugly. I know I'm not stupid. I have prospects, potential, a nice place to live and good friends. But that little inner voice won't stop contradicting what my mind knows. It's always there...being negative...and I can't stop it. It affects any relationship with the opposite sex I have. Cause there's no reason for all this negativity and they don't understand.
Is this normal?? To deal with this sort of depression and self doubt every single day, but yet never have it really affect your life externally? Does anyone else go through this, and to what extent? How do you deal with it? It's not bad enough to need antidepressants (I've tried those once before) and it's not the drugs (it's just always been there).
(By the way, I'm not technically a greenlighter. I'm someone who has been a bluelighter for a while. But I just didn't want to post this under my normal name. And yes this probably belongs in Life or something but I wanted the opinion of the people here)

This could have been my writing this in mid to late 2000... I know exactly what you mean. Even now I still get glimpses of this feeling, but it doesn't happen for more than a few minutes anymore as opposed to the weeks it used to be.
Why did it stop? I have no idea really. I'd love to offer some magical solution or hints and tips on how to beat it, but the truth is I don't know why I feel better now days. I actually have less direction and focus than I did then, and my problems while not getting any bigger have definitely not gotten any smaller.
I think maybe I came to the realisation the life really is kinda fucked up (I've always been cynical) so why fight it. We're here for a good time not a long time, so why waste time being depressed? I know how hard it is to come to this realisation, and that you have to truely believe it for it to make a difference, but that's the mind set I somehow managed to get into and it seemed to work for me...
Good luck, and since you chose to post annomously then if I know you feel free to talk to me about this at any time if you'd like.
To everyone else: bullshit will not be tolerated in this thread, so don't even try it.
[ 04 April 2002: Message edited by: Pleonastic ]

That was quick The thing is Pleo that I don't feel like I'm wasting my time being depressed. I feel like it's the way I choose to be cause I enjoy feeling that way. Wallowing in self pity maybe. I don't know, but it often feels better than trying to be happy.
And the other thing is that I'm not depressed externally. No one else would have any idea. The people I live with just think I like watching TV and lying on the couch. Which I would like doing even if I was happy! It's just a constant background thing that I can't really see is affecting my life (maybe it is??)
I shouldn't reply anymore. The smarter ones among you won't take long to work out who I am. I don't know why I don't want people to know. I just don't.
Thanks Pleo - yes, serious answers only please.

im fairly braindead right now so i cant be too constructive but i too have been suffering a major bout of depression for quite a while. i also posted anonymously a couple of weeks back and got alot of positive feedback. i know what you mean about feeling safe in your own little bubble but it's hard to make others understand that. if you want to contact me ([email protected]) i can tell you exactly what it is like to deal with a relationship whilst so depressed you want to kill yourself.

I don't want get too involved about my past...so all Ill say is Im really sorry to hear this frog, and I feel for u and understand what your going though...Im sorry I cain't really say anything to help you but the only way you can really get over this is if you get some councialing, also visit your local doctor asap before it gets any worse trust me!

I no exactly how u feel right now
*Reaches for the prozac box*

i read these posts over and over again because well it sort of does apply to me right now and my life over the past 2 years.
my depression is complex and triggered by so many things, i know what its like to feel everything is going so fast, its already april ! ive wasted so much time being depressed, being 18 i want to be out there being the total party girl i was through school, but i choose to stay home in my house with the walls around me to protect me from the outside world.
it botheres the hell out of me to feel like this, i am so not myself, i see people i know and id prefer hide from them or walk in the other direction rather than say hi most days.
i know great people who love to have a ball, i have a fantastic crew and a good bunch of friends that do not take drugs either, ive become totally distant with them and hardly speak to them @ all, in the process of getting really depressed i did things to them that well you would call totally un excuseable and un acceptable.
Dealing with it is another story, some days i am so great, others i am so bad, some weeks are the best ever but the following week i could end up in some big big hole and i feel ive gone lower then before but everytime i find myself in this so called hole i seem to dig it deeper only to resurface again the following week and be fine.
i work full time in a customer service position so im in peoples faces everyday for 8 hours a day, ive come to deal with that and thank the fact that i actually have work to keep me busy, it makes me happy when people are kind and polite to me back smile @ me and tell me to enjoy my day too.
i express myself through poetry or really just talking to someone who totally understands me ( they know who they are )
sure i really want to get on with things, shit i havent been to a live rave event since new years and dammed i miss it so much, slowly but surely im feeling my time is comming and by the end of this year for sure i will be fine. its a day by day take things as they come approach.
SSRI's really do help in situations like this, ive found they really have helped me and will help me get back to what i do best which is having a great time and shaking my booty on a dancefloor somewhere all night long @ an event. sometime soon !
chin up for everyone who exreriences depression, after you overcome it you will be the strongest person. i know i will be and all you sydney bluelighters will probably know who i am and have the pleasure of meeting the way friendly wild and partying person that i am.
please dont think of me differently for having the guts to openly express myself like this, but it is the reason why i dont come along to parties @ the moment, i am deffinetly a hum an being like all of you and i cannot wait to LIVE again
luv funki

Depression sucks...I hate it when I get like this, I should be happy I have a job, am single, lots of friends...Well I thought I did, but right now I feel like everyones abandoned me when I need them the most....
I hate prozac, but I guess right now, thats the only thing that sticks around..

Sydkiwi,
Doesn't it suck when things get that way. There have been times when no one wants to help you when you are down, but they are always there for you when you are feeling fine.
In the days before Freddy Prinze took his own life (with a pistol right in front of his manager, aged only 22), he said to his manager. "Everyone calls me up on the phone when the ratings of my show are high, but where are they when things are low."
In my own way, I just somehow managed to deal with it. I am much more positive now and I choose not to get emotionally involved in my own problems now. As a result I am far more rational in my approach to everything I do. Things are great for RavingLoony now, but there was no way you would have known 2-6 months ago.

I hate the way society worships material happiness.
Some of the most important things I have learnt about myself and about the world around me has been while I have been depressed.
As far as I'm concerned you are free to go through life in whatever mind set you happen to be in. The worst thing about being depressed is the fact that it is an issue that is swept under the carpet. I hate the guilt that is automatically hung on you.

Wow! somebody out there read my mind.
2 nights ago i was going thru a serious bout of depression and i thought about starting a thread on Bluelight where people who were going thru hard times could describe how they feel, not to fish for sympathy, but just so others could relate and maybe benefit from knowing that other people feel the same way sometimes.
what a coincidence that i found this thread tonight!
ok, here goes my sob story...
up until a couple of years ago i suffered from serious depression. i never went to a see a doctor about it because, quite frankly, i didn't want anyone else's opinion. i knew i was fucked up. life just had no meaning left. i felt defeated. and then somehow everything changed and i found myself feeling good again.
i thought that depression was no longer a part of my life, because i don't take myself as seriously as i used to. but the last few weeks have been hard. my family has been thru a bust up (again!), my job frustrates and bores me to all fuck, and things have happened within my circle of friends that have left me feeling confused and alone (although none of my friends have actually done anything wrong by me, so there's no one to point the finger at).
it all hit me on Tuesday night. when i got home from work i felt paralysed. i had come to the realisation that all the thoughts in my head are made up of two voices that constantly argue with each other. that's why i always have to struggle to find the slightest bit of meaning in life. i spend most of my time feeling angry and frustrated. i was seriously starting to think that it wasn't worth going thru all the pain and frustration just to get to that little bit of meaning that's still left in my life. all i could do was lie there in bed and think about the reality of suicide.
now its Thursday night. the mood has passed and i'm feeling much better. i have found that there are two main ways that i use to get myself out of depression. one is creativity. for me personally, creativity is like my shield against insanity. nothing makes me happier than creating art that expresses my ideas.
the other way is to think about everyone i know, and the problems that they face in there lives. because every one of us has reasons to be sad or angry or confused. the problem is that we all go around like horses wearing blinkers, seeing the world directly in front of us thru our own narrow view.
and how lucky are we to have an outlet such as this to express ourselves and communicate with others!
word to the masked BL'er who started this thread!
[ 04 April 2002: Message edited by: punch e punch ]

Depression does, often, to me seem like a warm blanket. It's really a way to wrap yourself up, to shut out things you don't want to hear or see. It's very hard to break free from it, and then, even when you do, it's usually only a step behind you, and sometimes it can be very tempting to slide back into it.
That said, when you finally see the sun shining on your life, it's amazing.
-plaz out-

I do not think i am ever depressed as such, just bloody confused. I want to know what is important in life... I want to know what i am doing and where i am going and if it is the right thing to do. I want to be able to follow my heart, not my head, but if i do that will i have regrets???
The main thing that worries me is my Uni degree and where i am gonna end up. Can i be bothered wasting my time doing something my parents want me to do, that doesn't interest me much but will get me far in life.
Should i focus on what i want to do NOW and do that or should i think about and plan for the future. What is more important, the now or the future.
I want to be able to do what i want to, but i am scared if i do what i want that my life will turn out so differently. Whereas if i stay doing wot i am now, my life may be better.
Fuck i just wish i knew wot i am doing and were i am going.
My biggest fear is failing, but i never put any effort into anything.
These things make me depressed because i really just want to know and take the right path in life and i really wish i knew the meaning to life??? It would make it so much easier...

No offence ppls, but....
Get off the drugs (not that you take any )
but really, take some time off the drugs and you WILL feel better. Give it a month or two.
Worked for me.
BASS OUT

i love u funki!!!!!!!!
Bass Junky -> NO offence man, but what works for some, doesn't work for others. Some of the ppl here have had depression for life, even BEFORE drugs. We only wish it could be that easy

awwe and frog i hope your ok too
if u ever want to talk about it ICQ me 73856446
i have depression too. its very confusing!
*cuddlez to plazma*

Spontaneity is the key. Don't even think about it.

i don't get depressed easily... but when i do, it's a one way ticket to hell. i don't even want to talk about it.
all i want to say is;
"if you're going through hell... keep on going (winston churchill).

Foreword: I'm going to have to be simplistic throughout this post, as noone would want to read the 6 page response I would otherwise write.
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Firstly, this topic is close to my heart... I want to make that clear.
Secondly, when thinking of the direction I was going to take with this post, there were two choices... either to relate my own stories to you, frog, or to suggest possible avenues for you. You are asking for help, so I will briefly discuss some of the few things I have learnt that help.
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You say that you've always felt like this, but that isn'e possible - since when have you seen a depressed baby? My point is that depression, by it's very nature, seems like you've had it forever. Even if you have had it only 2 months a year for the last 5 years, when depressed you remember only those 2 months, and it seems like you've been depressed for 5 years straight.
The main thing is to know that you haven't had it all your life, and you won't have it forever.
That said, what can help with it?
1) As everyone says, go to your doctor. The effects you feel are probably treatable by antidepressants. That is the first step.
2) I find the thing that picks me up the most is to have interesting something to look forward to. Start something new... have something interesting to think of instead of being stuck in the boring sameness and greyness of a routine life. Move house, change your job, etc. The depression may just be a manifestation of you getting the life equivelant of cabin fever. Nothing picks you up like actually having something in the fututre to look forward to.
3) Exercise and get out more.
4) Don't just try to mentally force an end to your depression and get upset at any lack of results - this can be like an impotent man trying to get an erection by getting pissed off at his inability to do so. Depression is one of those things that, when it actually goes, mostly just seems to slide off.
5) Get in touch with old friends. See your family more.
6) Be proactive in your life instead of a bystander. Yes, it's more work, but it can be more interesting.
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Well, that's my lil bit, and it seems dumb now (one of those I feel I didnt really get out what I was trying to say), but I'll hit the 'post' button anyway. Hope it helps in some small way
One other thing... keep this in mind - a post by PsychoKitten:
A grey day is just a clean canvas waiting for the stroke of a master artist.
-Jake

In regards to Uni and doing either what your parents want or what you want:
I'm a firm believer in doing what you want to do. What's the point of doing something that looks to the future if it's a future you won't be 100% satisfied with? I guess it depends on who you are because everyone's different, but for me I rank financial success and material success right down near the bottom of the list. It sounds a bit hippy, but I could be just as happy with nothing material provided I was emotionally fulfilled (ie: friends, relationships, family, etc.). I'd trade a million dollars for just one life long friend.
It's in my nature to question things and to try not to live like another robot of society. So I have a huge problem with the whole school - uni - workforce - retirement pattern. It's all out of proportion. The way society would have it, we're at school until we're 18, uni until 21-23, then in the workforce until 60. That's too long in the workforce as far as I'm concerned - there's no room for social and emotional development. That should come after school, and we should take 3-5 years off from everything just to do what we want. To enjoy changing from a child to a young adult. To experience things that normally would be squeezed in between essay deadlines and shiftwork.
I think a lot of people are depressed because they're scared of the future. But everything you do changes the future, so live for the present. You might not be here tomorrow, so make the most of it while you can. It might not be the most responsible attitude, but who said responsible is enjoyable?
I intend to move on to another phase sooner or later - but at the moment I'm happy not knowing what I'm doing in the next hour, let alone next week. We get security from structure and will need it eventually, but in my opinion structure can wait a bit longer...