Zus

I went to the grocery. Whole Foods. There inside, I looked for red, challenging, again. I see the closest approximation, in about a second- or the warmest color of hair, on a lady, who was getting mushrooms. I take note. I'm not sure if it's "red", in the moment, and challenge myself, and doubt, but it's warm, and closest to red that I see. I want to share my experiences, but "is this worth mentioning?". To me, it might be applied to meaning, easily. The world is round, after all. But I didn't see a theme worth mentioning, yet, to another. To just "keep some things to myself", I thought. "There is nothing that would mean anything to anyone else". I got stuck, then, unable to pass through lanes, as the place was very crowded. I try one way, and wait for a second, but it is not clearing. I try another, toward the lady with warm hair, and it is also a bit congested.

I turn around toward the entrance at some point, in doubt, and see a red-headed girl with a Black male, have just entered. This excites me, as yesterday, both times I was there, as I wrote about, I saw pairings of red and black.

I get Apple Cider Vinegar, my 16 ounces a day, and continue on. I pass the Apple Juice, forgetting it at first, but then remember, and go to it, and I see a guy wearing a unique Black and White suit, there in front of the apple juice. He is well dressed, and clean. Stylish. He steps out of the way as I make my way to look at the juice, to make room. What I normally get... A gallon-jug a day, is not there. I make my choice and notice he is looking at coconut water. He's trying to make a choice between them. They are all blue- the containers. I advise, and she says he is trying to find the ones not from concentrate. We talk a little. He sounds effeminate. Nice guy.

Next aisle over is the packaged chicken, which I decided to get today, to save money. At least a few bucks. I take minute or so to decide which package I want. I finally decide, and then look up, turning right, and see the Red-head, and the Black guy down the aisle close to me.

In the check-out, a guy with a striking color of Blue jacket comes in behind me, and I make room for him. The Red-head and the Black guy for a moment step in this line, and I see a singlular Red-head walk by, to the bread, by them, wearing a lot of Black. Then an announcement occurs over the system that says those with small amounts can come to the customer service station. I study the man's jacket who is behind me, as much as I can, as it has some logo on it that matches what I saw on his beanie... It looks like a deer, of sorts. Deer like animal. The one item I first made notice of that he put down was cheese, but I forget the name of it, though I read it.

I see as I check out, the Red and the Black at a register in front of all the other registers, facing North to South, where the regular ones are Northeast to Southwest. It is a singular one, and not actually the customer service desk, that I knew of. They are renovating, and things are changing around. Loren is checking them out. Loren always smiles at me, seeing me before I see her. I believe I followed red out of here.

Driving home, I see a striking, Blue car- a BMW 328i, as I made my way to Meridian, where I stopped at a light, beside this car. I first noticed it's license plate, which said simply, ZUS, and said "Zeus...", in my mind. The guy inside was wearing a Grey hood over his head. I was wearing a Blue hood, which I noticed was of a similar shade as his vehicle. Now that I think, my car is silver, so I can say the same of his hood, for mine. We both nodded. He was the first I saw wearing a hood, today. Maybe I just noticed, because of the spike in attention, admiring his car, and paintjob.

ZUS turned left, with the Green arrow, heading South. I was in the lane to continue heading West, on 86th, home. As he turned left, I noticed a Prius of the same color of Blue (very close appoximation), coming behind me... Lady driving. Green light. Go. As I make it through the intersection, as I cross, I see the same color of Blue, close enough, on a van coming opposite, coming East. It is separated from the other vehicles by a significant gap, in either direction, to stand out as it does. The Prius then passed me.

I make a stop at Redbox, to turn in a movie, Last Days on Mars. I try to write this, but somehow it got deleted by the time I got home.

I see another car of the color of Blue, after making my next turn, onto Ditch. It's not on the road, but it's driving perpendicular with me, in a parking lot to the East- to my left.

Arriving home, as I turn to go through the gates I see a White Prius also waiting to turn in on the opposite side of the road, and as I enter, I noticed a White VW SUV behind me. "White and White", I think. Ahead of me I- continuing what I had been doing, notice a Black vehicle- an Acura MDX, and ahead of it, a Black Malibu. Two Whites at my entrance, behind me, and two Blacks ahead of me. My car is silver.

Making my way to my space. I am out. I notice the same color of Blue, on the car next to me. Similar. The color looks like the title bars here on Bluelight. Similar. This car, to my right, to my South, as my car parks facing East, is the first girl I met here where I moved- my neighbor's- Gina's car.

I could connect more to this. "The world is round". But I need a stopping place. What I wrote beyond this, I will write in a comment.

But as I wrote this, my most recent visitor on this blog is as listed, 08bluesmart.

 

Then last before going in I see a Van parked near, with this color of Blue, like the Bluelight title bars, close, and a Red car- A VW, next to it.

Inside, I look at OkCupid. I had considered the guy at Whole Foods, in the Black and White suit, who might have been gay, but I don't know. Sometimes, I think that I might be a very closeted, uh, at least bisexual. I don't like to label it. I still think that I am more toward women, but I am adaptable. I've also had a few sexual experiences with males, that weren't unenjoyable... But I don't find fulfillment there, and don't feel "right", there. Or haven't. And I'm not, 98% of the time, at all sexually attracted to males. But if nothing mattered, I could probably fuck a dolphin. Anyways, I thought of a guy, named Sam Locke. I think I thought of him yesterday. I may have thought of him today. I went to high school with him. He has Red-spectrum hair, and he now identifies as Gay. I opened my account today when I got home, and saw him there, in the locals, wearing a Red sweater. Before him in the list was a Black guy, shirt Grey or Blue, I think. After him a girl with Red hair.

Some guy has been pestering me to let him suck my cock. But he has a beard, and this is too much masculinity for me, most likely. I've considered it, though. I prefer women, but I might take what I can get, sometimes. This last section, about sexuality, can get confusing. I'm really not anything that you would call "straight", or "bi". I play. I see a woman as the goal, for a male. He needs to at least be open to her. To outright closure to the female, from a male, is failure. That time with the transgendered female that I was with, will always be memorable. Something does attract me more about that. I'm not really into guys. I see guys mostly as competition. This is one reason why I tend to be more open, or less guarded with Gay guys. They aren't competing for what I am. But in this, I'm open to be satisfied. If they're into that (at times, I am). But they're not my goal. They're not the prize at the end of the road. They're friends along the way, at best. But I always avoid this. I see it as wasteful. It's not an ultimate sin, or anything, but I guess in sex, I find ideals. My ideal- my idea of what is perfect, for my sperm to do, is to go inside of a female. I like to be Omnipotent. Even ejaculating inside of a condom gives me a bad vibe, in a moment (that I let go of, because I have to). But having sex with a girl, I can at least trick myself, somewhat. I went through the motions. I did the dance, "correctly". I have blocks when it comes to playing, with a male, because if I do ejaculate, and suddenly some Alien came along and said "dun dun dun", "You may now impregnate the ultimate female, and only now, and a new universe depends on it!", I am suddenly, non-potent. I wasted my seed. I know it's crazy... to some degree, but in things like this, it's how I process. It also applies to just tossing it around, to anal sex, to blowjobs, to some degree. But I tend to work around it. I have to masturbate, sometimes. Or like to. And like sex, in various forms. I just have to justify it. Eh.

Marilyn, Marie, Duellman. She is my ex. She was my first girlfriend with Red hair. Marilyn derives in part from "Mars", as does Marie. Mars is also connected to "Man", down the language trees, so I have read. So her name, in part, might have resonating factors of "Man, Man", "____Man". This, has challenged me. She was also more likely to fix things herself than I was, and change her own oil. She in ways was more "man" than me. Before her, not long before, I roomed with Charles Alexander Carson. He also has the same color of Red hair, and same/similar pale skin. He walked her down the aisle at my friends Christi Starr's and Nate Holmes's wedding, as an usher. The timing just put him, in the circles he made with the other girls, with her, my new girlfriend. They were the same/similar height. Both of them, as I have mentioned, I had fall-outs with. Only red-haired people have I had such, violence with. But him and I reconciled. They both have name sums of 94 (A=1 Z=8 ), and 220 (A=1, Z=26). The fall-out, I played with. Element 94 on the periodic table is Plutonium. The day I saw her last, 9/3/2006, I put on a new plate, on my car, 93 Q 405. 405 was a room at a lab that they made a certain breakthrough, synthesizing it. Both were the brightest red-orange, and closest-longest relationships I have had to red-haired people. My name by correspondence with the same calculation of the letters is also 94. 9/4 as our first day, fully, as separated. I did at one point think about having sex with Charles. It was mostly in passing, testing the thought. And I thought of myself with his hair, on mushrooms. Rooming with him, was when I masturbated, to Zena, once, and imagined I took her virginity. Then I forgot about it for the next few years. Marilyn framed images that her dad made, numbered 26/100. I gave one away to Paula Webster, who I had a fantasy I was a jungle King (a good one- a down on the ground one), with. Paula was South American. I was wearing Red when I met her. My skin was red in the visions. Marilyn framed the rest. Marilyn, who I associate with the prior three girlfriends- the only ones I was serious with, and involved, and invested in, with a pattern of MASK.

I am challenged. I think I'm God. But God might be canceled out, as "God". ? I surely never had control, and what I am, you are tied- I'm tied to you. We're tied. How can you be separate? Sure, in ways, we are. Yea. We can see it that way. But not always, and this isn't the truth. I see myself in you. You teach me about me. I never really had an identity, other than "me". I'm still looking for it. An angel told someone once that if that angel is witnessed, by one, then that one is also the angel. Did I get that right? Would this not apply elsewhere? And Jesus, He's us? There's also a guy named Hesus, who is Celtic, I think, who predates Jesus, and is related, in his story. I can't be certain, in recall. I'd have to look again. But Jesus, said do not judge. He said you will be judged if you judge. I have found this to be true. But he's supposed to come back to Judge.

God will be brought down to earth. Not that "he's" really going anywhere. He/"she". Ssss.

And sometimes I doubt that I don't have control. I think I'm copping out. But I think control might be an illusion. It might just appear through one, like it is a lens to that control. Perhaps, it's both, because who else? There is a control, to things. And now we're in the realm of is/isn't-ness.

 

Christina Alexander was the first girl I got to get naked, having some of my earliest memory of sexual thoughts with, and I wanted to marry her. Age 6.

Christopher Dickerson was the first person to put their mouth around my.

Kristin Miller was my first girlfriend, and had my birthday.

What now, God?

 

Whitney Hart

I ran up to Whole Foods in Carmel, to get more Apple Juice. I made it right as they were closing. Down to the minute. Last one in.

Whitney was at the register. I put my hood on as I entered, and saw her as I pulled it up, walking between a set up-display of flowers. Orchids.

Whitney and I had sex, over a year ago. She had sent me a message on OkCupid asking if I wanted "a little casual company", and I took it as asking for sex. I showed up and told her to wash her perfume off for me. Or asked her. And she did. Then I kissed her, to test her. And took control.

She wanted me without a condom. She insisted it was fine because she was on birth control, but I wouldn't until I had a condom. So I went to get that, and we went to my place to roll a joint.

I had been tripping that day, on a small dose of 4-HO-DET. It was many hours past, beyond the frame of its expected duration, especially for my ROA (insufflated). But I still felt heightened, and stimulated, psychedelically, as happens.

We smoked, and it was some of the best sex that I have had, probably. She came multiple times. My release was good. She said it was the best sex that she has ever had. I always doubt these things when girls say so. But we we went together, non-awkwardly. Motion in the ocean.

I broke it off with her, as she seemed to want me in a way more than I was available. But I have run across her in ways, in ways since, and sometimes I regret not being available.

She's the last person I had sex with, without paying for it.

We started watching Lost. I introduced her to it. She was artistic. Photographer. Family of artistically talented people. Her dad drives a firetruck.

Anyways... There she was. I put my things down on the register. She was wearing yellow and clay brown, and blue jeans. She was finishing with someone, and then she ran away. At me, another girl took over. She had forced a smile to me, but like the other rare times I have seen her, I can see she doesn't like to see me now, and it probably hurts her, because she feels rejected.

This is the closest I have been to her since we were together. Sometimes I'm tempted to try to talk to her again. But she may just "hate" me. And I am still, most likely, not available.

Hart. Earlier, I was next to a guy with a deer like animal on his jacket and beanie.