Symmetrical Daze
Bluelighter
I had the bag of stilnox for a few weeks, obtained from an overseas pharmacy for my insomnia. I knew that it wasn't a long term solution and could actually make the problem worse, but I vowed to use responsibly. I had a brief rx for it before which I obtained for mostly recreational curiosity. I found it to be visual (producing wavy patterning-like effects with 15 to 20mg) and somewhat euphoric. Also I felt lousy one morning after taking 3 (I got uninhibited and took 2 more than I had to go to bed. I didn't take this effect seriously). I'd consider myself an experienced and responsible occasional user of mostly psychedelic substances. I admit some opiate addiction troubles, but don't attribute that addictive behavior to my ambien binges. I have used zolpidem to relax in addition to sleep, but in my sober or even altered-on-whatever-besides-ambien mind, would NEVER take so many pills of anything.
So, it was a cold rainy night. I was feeling down and stressed. At 9pm, I took out my big bag of 'ambien', counted them, then took 2 10mg pills. I laid down and turned on The Simpsons.
In 15 minutes I already felt the relaxing yet strange feeling. I enjoyed it, especially as my anxiety slowly drifted away. At about 9:45, I felt so nice that I wanted more. I took another 2. At a little past 10, I saw ripples forming on the floor. It was as if looking through a cup of water, but this only was for the ground. My balance was off. Bart's head took on a strange appearance, one I'd associate with the look of myself in the mirror a while later. The only way I could remotely describe it is it was as if I was looking at myself or the Simpsons characters as if we were miles away, but I was using a very powerful telescope to bring us up close.
I felt happy and fun. I wished I felt like this all the time. I didn't want to sleep, I wanted to enjoy this...
There are just flashes and brief clips of what happened. The next crystal clear memory is waking up at 9am, feeling absolutely horrible. This was slightly worse than my worst alcohol hangover. It felt like a combo between bad alcohol and a bad ecstasy crash. I forced myself up to get a drink. My brain was shattered, full of electrical anxiety. Right away I noticed things in the room of a strange out of place nature...
The garbage can and 2 feet in diameter around it was covered with yellow puke. There was a spilled cup of water on my nightstand. There was a spilled mug of water on the floor, along with a spoon containing a dried up cotton ball, syringe with no cap on, 4 "o" sized red marks on the leg, burned cheese in the skillet, about 30 empty wrappers of sliced cheese on the counter and floor, astroglide lube laying face down with ooze all over it (along with astroglide on my door and the shared bathroom's door, in addition to all my remote controls, keyboard and mouse), movies from my neatly organized cabinet all over the floor by the TV, and finally , when I moved the mouse to turn off my screensaver, a first person shooter game was up displaying a message "Kicked for Teamkilling".
I skipped classes and stayed in bed, feeling absolutely wrecked. I fixed up a few 'out of place' objects then counted my pills. I had 'lost' 9. My half gram of ketamine stash was completely gone, except for the 200 or so mg spilled scattered in a small carpet spot.
I recall very little after the 40mg was going strong. I don't remember injecting (I usually use K in the IM method, in the thigh), or how sterile I was. I later came to realize from flashes of brief memory that I had two K doses, when the first wore off I clumsily injected the rest minus what I'd spilled. I remember what was happening as the K was wearing off. I wasn't I, laying down and everything in the room was recognized by my brain as a living thing, in an insane city block-sized blur spinning rapidly. I didn't know what I was, but this odd reality was fading quickly and I was coming back into my room and body. When I came back I became very sick and vomited violently.
After this experience last week, I've done zolpidem twice more, trying to be more careful. It doesn't work like that. The two most recent both involve me not sleeping and eating a few more, although I didn't indulge in any other substances or make a mess.
The day-afters have been hard; I regret buying the pills at all. It is tempting on a lonely boring night, knowing that it will provide a significant mood lift and a restful sleep. But I can't fool myself much longer; the stuff is dangerous, especially due to the way it destroys my inhibitions and takes away memory of the foolish behavior that follows.
So, it was a cold rainy night. I was feeling down and stressed. At 9pm, I took out my big bag of 'ambien', counted them, then took 2 10mg pills. I laid down and turned on The Simpsons.
In 15 minutes I already felt the relaxing yet strange feeling. I enjoyed it, especially as my anxiety slowly drifted away. At about 9:45, I felt so nice that I wanted more. I took another 2. At a little past 10, I saw ripples forming on the floor. It was as if looking through a cup of water, but this only was for the ground. My balance was off. Bart's head took on a strange appearance, one I'd associate with the look of myself in the mirror a while later. The only way I could remotely describe it is it was as if I was looking at myself or the Simpsons characters as if we were miles away, but I was using a very powerful telescope to bring us up close.
I felt happy and fun. I wished I felt like this all the time. I didn't want to sleep, I wanted to enjoy this...
There are just flashes and brief clips of what happened. The next crystal clear memory is waking up at 9am, feeling absolutely horrible. This was slightly worse than my worst alcohol hangover. It felt like a combo between bad alcohol and a bad ecstasy crash. I forced myself up to get a drink. My brain was shattered, full of electrical anxiety. Right away I noticed things in the room of a strange out of place nature...
The garbage can and 2 feet in diameter around it was covered with yellow puke. There was a spilled cup of water on my nightstand. There was a spilled mug of water on the floor, along with a spoon containing a dried up cotton ball, syringe with no cap on, 4 "o" sized red marks on the leg, burned cheese in the skillet, about 30 empty wrappers of sliced cheese on the counter and floor, astroglide lube laying face down with ooze all over it (along with astroglide on my door and the shared bathroom's door, in addition to all my remote controls, keyboard and mouse), movies from my neatly organized cabinet all over the floor by the TV, and finally , when I moved the mouse to turn off my screensaver, a first person shooter game was up displaying a message "Kicked for Teamkilling".
I skipped classes and stayed in bed, feeling absolutely wrecked. I fixed up a few 'out of place' objects then counted my pills. I had 'lost' 9. My half gram of ketamine stash was completely gone, except for the 200 or so mg spilled scattered in a small carpet spot.
I recall very little after the 40mg was going strong. I don't remember injecting (I usually use K in the IM method, in the thigh), or how sterile I was. I later came to realize from flashes of brief memory that I had two K doses, when the first wore off I clumsily injected the rest minus what I'd spilled. I remember what was happening as the K was wearing off. I wasn't I, laying down and everything in the room was recognized by my brain as a living thing, in an insane city block-sized blur spinning rapidly. I didn't know what I was, but this odd reality was fading quickly and I was coming back into my room and body. When I came back I became very sick and vomited violently.
After this experience last week, I've done zolpidem twice more, trying to be more careful. It doesn't work like that. The two most recent both involve me not sleeping and eating a few more, although I didn't indulge in any other substances or make a mess.
The day-afters have been hard; I regret buying the pills at all. It is tempting on a lonely boring night, knowing that it will provide a significant mood lift and a restful sleep. But I can't fool myself much longer; the stuff is dangerous, especially due to the way it destroys my inhibitions and takes away memory of the foolish behavior that follows.
