Zero

[Aesthete]

Touching
Clenched
Fingers,
Toes

Cold
Wet;
Symbols
Snow

Slow
Down,
Away,
Alone

Reaching
Hands;
Bleating
Throes

A. Heart. Beat.

Vision
Over
Unmade
Head

Cloudy
Inches;
Shortened
Ledge

Thrilling,
Falling,
Sprawling
Bed

Lies
Awake;
Forever
Dead.

 

[CHiLD-0F-THE-BEAT]

This feels almost over simplified and barren.
It lacks emotion, and doesn't really trigger anything with me.

To be perfectly honest, it looks like a tidy group of syllables and has only succeeded in making me think of how funny the Engligh language is, and all of these meaning we associate with pointy and curved little letters.

 

[Aesthete]

That's fair comment, I think.

I actually do not mind the piece, but I can certainly understand the criticisms. It IS bare.

But I guess that experimentation was sort of the point, too, and the fact that it made you think about "how funny the English language" is is fine with me.

Thanks for the comments.

 

[sourlemone]

haha at first I thought it was an acrostic, I was looking for hidden meaning. I like the images you're going with, flesh it out a little

 

[spinkle]

if you dig this kind of experiment, you should check out Shelia E. Murphy.

 

[Aesthete]

spinkle: I might just do that actually. Thanks.

sourlemone: I don't know. I like it without fleshing it out. Still, I understand it might have a little more resonance if I actually do. I might work on it.

 

[Mary Poppins]

i like your writing when it has more passion, even if it's despair. never be afraid to show more even if it's unpleasant.

this seems to me like something a 1st year intro to creative writing student would produce for a poetry task.

at bare minimum - i would suggest breaking up/changing the four word/four line structure to include some more flowing stanzas [as in maybe making some four word/one line?]


though - in saying all of this - i think i kinda see what you were getting at by the title - i think that gives the biggest clue to the actual piece

 

[pinkness]

You imposter 1234

 

[onetwothreefour]

thanks for that