yuk

I feel yuk,

All I am doing for the last 3 days is moping around the internet. Getting more and more into the depression.


I hate my wife right now. I know it is hard for her right now, but sometimes and I have told her this, is that sometimes I just need a hug and i can come out of it. But she just leaves me alone. maybe she is scared I will snap and storm out as I used to do.

I wish I had a job. I wish I knew how to go about getting a job. I feel like I have fucked up so much I have no idea where to start.

I have no idea how I can go back behind a bar again and start bartending. I think that would be the end of me so I am going to rule that out straight away.I need a job where i can be my own boss. Where I can feel good about myself. I had a business but it was got with someone who basically set it up for me. And the resentment of the control the person had and the fact that it wasn't my doing made for a disaster. No I don't need to be amazing at business, I just want to feel like I can do something on my own without having to be spoon fed.

I want to man up. I want to try and do something on my own but I am afraid even to start small at anything. Hell even putting something online on ebay is hard for me. I can;t seem to find the motivation. Yet put me behind the bar for someone else and I will guarantee him the best bartender He could have there is me. Until I see myself getting resentful that i am doing everything for someone else and not for myself and giving my best years to someone else. IBut I don't have the balls to go and do what He did. Or worse I don't even know how He did it. Grrrrrrrrr. Why am I such a failure. Oh sure i can feel good about doing stuff, but when I look around me all I see are people who are living life without help.I mean people my age and younger getting on in life, making decisions, etc. who seem to have a handle on life.

Me i think I just went through life in this big drunken haze and later a horrible roller coaster ride of ups and downs mentally from all my using.

Feels good to get this out , don't know if it helps but it feels okay.
ttyl

 

Demotivation is one of the toughest symptoms of depression, as it reinforces the illness. The less you do, the more time you spend 'in your head', obsessing over the same negative thoughts over and over again. Or at least that was how it was for me.

Behaviour obeys Newton's second law (non-mathematically, of course): an object at motion stays in motion, and object at rest stays at rest. The hardest thing about any behaviour is starting, and building up enough momentum for it to become self-sustaining. Baby steps are key: aiming for building a business from nothing might be a bit ambitious right now, but putting something up on eBay might be a start.

Having been unemployed for a long-ish stretch myself, I can say with confidence that after a while any job is better than no job. Even if it pays shit, even if you hate it, it is still a reason to get up, go somewhere, do something, and get paid for it. My self-worth jumped a good bit when I got my first job after my dry spell. It was a miserable job (sortation plant worker for Canada Post), but it paid decent and it gave my life a bit of structure that had completely eroded away during my year's unemployment.

All I'm saying is: unless you're concerned about being around alcohol, maybe don't turn down that bartending job offhand. If being around booze is a problem, then maybe try slinging coffee. It doesn't pay as well, and it will make you feel a bit old, but it's pretty fun, you'll meet some cool people, and get back into the game.

 

Cheers Dave.
No there is no bar job per se but I am sure if I really wanted I could knock on the doors again. It is just that though. I think staying away from the booze and the characters in a bar is the best for me. I have to start as you say small and take those baby steps but I must think of something other than the bar business.

For that matter I need to stay away from retail. I can feel it in me there is either going to be huge resentment towards customers or I am going to have a huge ego to compensate. Nah I have to be brave and follow a different course.

But i appreciate the post very much. I like the idea of getting in motion. Just baby steps.

 

Know how you feel!
I've been outta work for a while now. I used to be in Accounts/Payroll and before that Architectural Design and before that Studying Art History. All in between I've had a Smorgasboard of jobs from Night Club barmaid to Toilet Cleaning...swear I never know what bloody direction to take but I met a Career Guidance person, through a friend of my Fathers, and ATM Im thinking of Social Work(Probably 8)). Pretty frightened too, that if I get into something, I'l start to resent it/Myself for not feeling right for the position and quit...so I think I get where your coming from Dredz.

I find commiting to things really difficult because I amn't always stable about how I view myself. It sucks!
Have you spoken to any Career Planners/someone of that Nature; who might help you, with regard to what Niche would best suit you and where your weaknesses/Strengths lie etc?
Know they cant solve all your problems but it might help put some Clarity on what YOU need to change/not and also what kind of work Enviroment might suit your present/long term needs?

PS. If you find that in comparing yourself to other people your feeling like a failure STOP!!!! Please dont fukin torture yourself! The only reason you can compare yourself with others is if you can use it to help yourself. Your starting out now on a different Slate, so beating yourself up is only going to get you back where you were and you dont deserve that!
This is all a test of what your made of: some good and some bad..please dont be swift to judge yourself cause you dont even know what your made of yet! Try to stand back and assess yourself with compassion and make sure you have pple that support you around. This will also give you a clearer analysis of who you are and where you REALLY want to, realistically, go. Best of luck!

 

I find commiting to things really difficult because I amn't always stable about how I view myself. It sucks! Yeah, or what sounded good when I was feeling good now sounds completely ridiculous.

Have you spoken to any Career Planners/someone of that Nature; who might help you, with regard to what Niche would best suit you and where your weaknesses/Strengths lie etc? NOT YET

Try to stand back and assess yourself with compassion and make sure you have pple that support you around. This will also give you a clearer analysis of who you are and where you REALLY want to, realistically, go. Best of luck THANKS

 

Punch in borderline personality disorder and read the symptoms. My husband said the only thing wrong is there's not a picture of you. Maybe, maybe not? Best wishes to you.