Sara Tonin
Bluelighter
We sat in silence as we watched doctors and nurses pass in front of the door. I handed you little squares of chocolate one by one hoping that they would comfort you. You smiled but I could see the way it strained your face. Your eyes were so puffy from all of the tears that you cried before I got there. More than anything, I wanted to cry too.
I tried to comfort you when you got frustrated at the restraint on your ankle, but you just wanted to fight it. You kept trying to kick the lock open and to break it. I asked you not to make it any worse for yourself and tried to calm you down with a hug. You asked me to ask the doctor if you could go outside and smoke a cigarette and I knew immediately that you wouldn't be able to.
A man came into the room to mop the floor. A sweet old black man with a kind smile. He asked you, "Oh hunny have you broken your leg?" You see, there was plaster all over the floor and he just assumed... But you said, "No, I'm just insane and my leg is chained to this bed," in the flattest most monotone voice I had ever heard come out of you. He immediately said, "Oh darlin' it'll be ok...you'll be ok." He nodded his head, looked at me, smiled and left the room. It was an uncomfortable moment.
I could tell that you couldn't imagine him caring or anyone caring for that matter. So I told you that we cared about you. You looked me dead in the eyes and said not many do. I understood what you meant, that your parents weren't here and that you felt like they had given up on you. What you really needed to know is that YOU should give up on THEM. They caused you the pain that caused you to feel trapped. So trapped that you thought that taking a handful of pills and driving away would set you free. Unfortunately, on the contrary, you were going to be spending a lot of time away from the people who really do care.
You asked me if I thought that they would let you smoke cigaretts where you were going. I really didn't know and I thought that it would be unusually cruel to not let you after all you had been through today.
Everyone came back into the room just in time to go outside with you as you were escorted to the car with him, the man in the uniform. We all hugged you and squeezed you hard because we really could have lost you.
I know you're lost. I know you're looking for meaning. But right now, the fact that you felt it necessary to thank us for being here and the fact that a cigarette put a smile on your face bigger than anything else, all day...I knew you had a long way to go.
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This is dedicated to a friend...I truely hope that she finds her way...
[ 21 February 2002: Message edited by: Sara Tonin ]
I tried to comfort you when you got frustrated at the restraint on your ankle, but you just wanted to fight it. You kept trying to kick the lock open and to break it. I asked you not to make it any worse for yourself and tried to calm you down with a hug. You asked me to ask the doctor if you could go outside and smoke a cigarette and I knew immediately that you wouldn't be able to.
A man came into the room to mop the floor. A sweet old black man with a kind smile. He asked you, "Oh hunny have you broken your leg?" You see, there was plaster all over the floor and he just assumed... But you said, "No, I'm just insane and my leg is chained to this bed," in the flattest most monotone voice I had ever heard come out of you. He immediately said, "Oh darlin' it'll be ok...you'll be ok." He nodded his head, looked at me, smiled and left the room. It was an uncomfortable moment.
I could tell that you couldn't imagine him caring or anyone caring for that matter. So I told you that we cared about you. You looked me dead in the eyes and said not many do. I understood what you meant, that your parents weren't here and that you felt like they had given up on you. What you really needed to know is that YOU should give up on THEM. They caused you the pain that caused you to feel trapped. So trapped that you thought that taking a handful of pills and driving away would set you free. Unfortunately, on the contrary, you were going to be spending a lot of time away from the people who really do care.
You asked me if I thought that they would let you smoke cigaretts where you were going. I really didn't know and I thought that it would be unusually cruel to not let you after all you had been through today.
Everyone came back into the room just in time to go outside with you as you were escorted to the car with him, the man in the uniform. We all hugged you and squeezed you hard because we really could have lost you.
I know you're lost. I know you're looking for meaning. But right now, the fact that you felt it necessary to thank us for being here and the fact that a cigarette put a smile on your face bigger than anything else, all day...I knew you had a long way to go.
--------
This is dedicated to a friend...I truely hope that she finds her way...
[ 21 February 2002: Message edited by: Sara Tonin ]
<-insert sad eyes onto this face
