I feel so low it's not even funny. This is not meant to be a pity party. It's simply how I see things.
I have no family. The only fucking family I had that I cared about was gma, and she died 2 years ago. My mom is a useless piece of shit who I don't talk to. My dad and I never met and wants nothing to do with me. I am alone. Sure my ex and me are best friends. We help eachother out. She's about the only person I have who gives a flying fuck about me and who I even care about. I love her to death.
But what is the point of it all if there's no point in living? I don't take risks. I don't have fun. I don't even know what I enjoy. I go out and think ok, I'm supposed to have fun. These fucking kids in high school, they go out to friends houses, they go to movies, they hang around the mall. But I'm never satisfied, I'm always empty. I always want some deep meaningful thing to happen. Otherwise I'm depressed and bored. Or maybe I'm missing everything. I don't know. Everything feels empty. Everything is nothing. Fuck this. I'm sick of watching what I say and do, for fear I'll fuck up my life. I'm sick of going out in public, or even talking to friends and seeing nothing but betrayal in their eyes, misunderstanding, hatred, and I get scared. The only person who I'm close enough to to trust is my ex. She feels the same. But she has a kid to live for. I don't. I don't have a reason. She used to be my reason but we're not together now and I dont know what I mean to her, she says she loves me to death but even being around her is empty now. I don't know what's wrong with me. Never make friends with strangers. Never fall in love cause it only hurts inthe end. Never live. Just die. The end. I am sick of feeling so alone. I'm looking to move out of this house with my housemates and getting my own place. But nothing makes me happy anymore. It's the same old shit, same old town, get up, go to work. Same old food. Same old tasteof tobacco in my mouth. Same old feeling of imminent doom all around. I'm sick of being scared of everyone and everything. I'm sick of living. It gets old. I'm sick of losing everyone and everything that means anything to me. I don't want to be alive.
I have no family. The only fucking family I had that I cared about was gma, and she died 2 years ago. My mom is a useless piece of shit who I don't talk to. My dad and I never met and wants nothing to do with me. I am alone. Sure my ex and me are best friends. We help eachother out. She's about the only person I have who gives a flying fuck about me and who I even care about. I love her to death.
But what is the point of it all if there's no point in living? I don't take risks. I don't have fun. I don't even know what I enjoy. I go out and think ok, I'm supposed to have fun. These fucking kids in high school, they go out to friends houses, they go to movies, they hang around the mall. But I'm never satisfied, I'm always empty. I always want some deep meaningful thing to happen. Otherwise I'm depressed and bored. Or maybe I'm missing everything. I don't know. Everything feels empty. Everything is nothing. Fuck this. I'm sick of watching what I say and do, for fear I'll fuck up my life. I'm sick of going out in public, or even talking to friends and seeing nothing but betrayal in their eyes, misunderstanding, hatred, and I get scared. The only person who I'm close enough to to trust is my ex. She feels the same. But she has a kid to live for. I don't. I don't have a reason. She used to be my reason but we're not together now and I dont know what I mean to her, she says she loves me to death but even being around her is empty now. I don't know what's wrong with me. Never make friends with strangers. Never fall in love cause it only hurts inthe end. Never live. Just die. The end. I am sick of feeling so alone. I'm looking to move out of this house with my housemates and getting my own place. But nothing makes me happy anymore. It's the same old shit, same old town, get up, go to work. Same old food. Same old tasteof tobacco in my mouth. Same old feeling of imminent doom all around. I'm sick of being scared of everyone and everything. I'm sick of living. It gets old. I'm sick of losing everyone and everything that means anything to me. I don't want to be alive.