from_straight_ A_2 Es:
i have had some really, really, really bad comedowns... emotionally and psychologically... i can usually fight it off and pretend it isn't happening for the sake of those around me or what i have to do, but the second i'm left alone and unoccupied, my mind wanders...
what if that guy pulls a gun on me? i'll be helpless and fucked, he'll shoot me straight away. (im walking down george street at 7.30 in the morning toward the qvb to get a bus home here - what are the chances of even seeing a gun?)
my dad is gonna know what i did straight away when i walk through the door. yeah he's asleep, yeah i've done this a million times before, yeah he knows what i'm doing, but i bet just this once he'll come in to my room, screaming. (that'd be totally out of character for my father)
and the paranoia continues... the emotinal part is the worst, i get suicidal sometimes, but never for long... i always think about how fucked up school is, and wish i'd tried harder thus far... how i'm gonna get a 60 or so, and everyone else is gonna be looking at me as the guy who could have got 95, but instead opted to take drugs and fucked himself up. i also feel socially alienated, like no one at the rave would really want to talk to me, my friends don't like me that much - they just pretend for the sake of it, and it continues...
the tuesday blues is pretty bad, (monday is fine) for a few hours i feel solidly nihilistic inside and out. nothing matters, i am alone in life, but it doesn't matter anyway. and so on.
it takes me a week or so to completely recover...
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wisest is he who knows that he does not know... aka nostalgic...