Your a Junky!

Yesterday was my birthday, I was feeling especially introspective. I decided to share a little of the thoughts that have been running through my head lately these days. As you probably have guessed by now, I have a drug habit. Specifically, I'm a Junky. Now people can debate over what that word means, and who is a Junky and who isn't. My boyfriend describes it as someone who literally can't think about anything besides their next fix of Heroin, dope, junk, smack, whatever you want to call it. How are they going to get it? Where is it coming from? How will you pay for it? How can I get it in me? Within the confines of those brackets, yeah I'm completely a Junky. Even when I'm knee deep in a job interview or at a family affair, in the back of my brain 100% of the time I am thinking about my next fix. I decided to see what some of the more common or reputable dictionaries had to say on the matter. Here are a couple of the samplings:

Dictionary.com -
For the word Junky:
1. Of the nature of junk; trashy
2. Drug addict, junkie, addict, freak, nut

For the word Junkie: (slightly different)
A drug addict, especially one addicted to heroin.
A person with an insatiable craving for something: a chocolate junkie.
An enthusiastic follower; fan; devotee: a baseball junkie

Okay - that was is a little more lenient. I am all of those things, I am a drug addict, I have an insatiable cravings, not only about drugs, but when I take to something, watch out. I'll use the year I raced (sailboats) 133 days in one year as an example. Or the fact that although it's a 10 hour round trip commute, I'll frequently jump in the car and get 40+ days a year in at Mammoth snowboarding. So you could officially call me an adrenalin Junky as well. Talk about obsession. Everyone knows a chocolate junkie, or a crafting Junky. But let's get a little more official.

The Oxford English Dictionary.
* A person with a compulsive habit or obsessive dependency on something: power junkies, a drug addict.

Ah the good 'ol OED. Like, the English, it's accuracy with diplomacy reigns supreme.
But sadly this definitive source of the English language will no sooner change any one's personal beliefs on what a Junky is than it will start injecting heroin on its own.
Urban Dictionary. This is where you go when you want to find the real State of the Union, since it's written For the People, By the People.. What does the critical mass consider a Junky?

*A heroin addict, one that is was and will always be. Before the crackheads and the crackwhores, Way before the dexheads and the E-tards wasting his life away, for pure bliss and contentment.
*Someone who dabbles with illicit drugs.

Ha! I've never met a single person who took the use of narcotics so lightly. But I like the way he's thinking!

I looked up one more reference for the word Junky. I searched for it under Google images. This is a sampling of what I found, amongst a variety of anorexic looking runway models.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ydQXGV-oOog

**Side note: That coffee table was the first thing that came up, and it's actually mine, that I snapped a pic of and posted on another forum, lol. It struck me as just how amazing out of control somethings had gotten. Google was probably monitoring my IP address of something **

Now I don't know about you... But in all my 34 years I've never seen a Junky look anything remotely like those photographs. It's like a caricature of a Junky. Where did this concept come from? I'm not really sure. But the whole notion of anti-glamorization makes me nauseous. The naive and close minded judgement that if you choose to IV drugs you will:
A.) worthless to society.
B.) Most likely will whore yourself eventually and
C.) Will definitely die from it, soon.

Between this Google search and the Urban Dictionary, is appears the people have clearly voiced their opinions on heroin users. Lower than crackheads, lower than wife beaters, the lowest breed of society. And, without a doubt, it will cost you your life. I recently came across this quote while watching this documentary on the IV clinics in Canada:

"Of all society's outcast, few are more reviled then those who inject narcotics, even among other drug users"

For this reason I was a closet Junky for 10 years. I never had the same intolerance with opiates or addicts as my friends. So i used in the closet for 10 years. It wasn't until I started dating an-junky, that my whole world was unraveled. I was revealed for what I really was. An IV injecting, heroin using, full-time Junky. I sat with it for a while, had my boyfriend point out every Junky move I made, and acknowledged my all-encompassing thoughts and actions, I came to terms with it. But as I came clean (pardon the pun) to friends and relatives, I discovered just how deep the stigma ran. The black plaque of drug users.

IMHO, a junk habit is just that. It's not glamorous, it's not disgusting. It can have its draw backs. But, for me, it has some rewards. There are a lot of ex-junkies, people sober for weeks or for years, who say there are no real benefits, no true happiness comes from drugs of any sort. But I'm a drug user who has made the conscience decision to use drugs for the rest of my life, at least on some level (and reserve the right to change my mind). So at this point in time, I avoid the whole "complete sobriety is the only way to true happiness" argument. But I have witnessed in my own life, how they can make you unhappy.

My life has been no exception from the typical junky stereotype. I've lied, I've been fired, I've stolen, I've broken the hearts of those who meant the most to me. But I am working on fixing that. There are no directions on a ball of dope or a bag of tweak that give instructions on how to destroy or fix your life. Your only hope is to catch yourself one day and realize that you aren't different. Maybe you have a degree, maybe you make a few bucks, but in the end, we all have to deal with the same problems and face the ones we love.

My hope is that one day we can learn to control ourselves. To live upright and productive lives. This is my current challenge, minute by minute, hour by hour. But it's more than those around you that get hurt. Junk can have a crippling effect on the body. As everyone knows, sticking a spike in your arm filled with any drug multiple times a day can (READ: WILL) take it's toll on your body. I IV heroin 4x daily and meth 2x daily. Besides tolerance, which will be psychologically worse, the physical toll that will take, may be unreversable.

But man, I love to slam. I think I could give up junk before I gave up slamming. I think I've shot up three times while writing this. It's more than just the high from the drugs, but something psychosomatic. A sense of pride, or achievement. Something that says (I'm speaking for myself only here) "Not only do I have the skill to do this, I can deal with the pain, the misses, the bumps and bruising, the abscesses, the collapsed veins. On top of all that - I'm going to do it 6-7 times a day." But I can't IV right now. I tried for 3 hours for my last shot, even after the last resort (due to pride) and asking for help from my bf, it failed. Had to stick it up my arse. (no IM since it was mixed with meth). I almost never see that sweet red plume of blood rise in the syringe. My blood clots almost at the sharps touch and I get a clot and have to switch needles. I wonder to myself, why am I so in love with this process?? My thoughts on the matter turn into a complete dichotomy of justifications. But that thrill, that yearning, it's with me for life, and no other drug or RoA will ever do for me again. It may not be my wife, but it certainly is my lover and my life.

I IV every drug I take, and let's to be crystal clear here, I do (and always have done) A LOT of drugs. Besides some of the more obscure RC's, I've done just about all of them. And I'll IV just about all of them. Junk, meth, coke, mdma, LSD, pills... my next quest is DMT (in the processes of turning the base IVable at this moment). With all theses drugs, being shot into my arms, you can imagine the track marks and bruising that it leaves (not to mention the inevitable abscesses). My wardrobe is a daily concern. The stigma of IV drug use looms over my head like a rain cloud. The sideways glances, and concerned goodbye's get old. Even if they do have my best interests in mind. What people fail to acknowledge is that the act of shooting itself isn't harmful when done in moderation. There are those who can IV on a semi-regular basis, and keep their lives in control. Other drugs (like meth, cocaine, crack and IMO alcohol) can be far more dangerous. But the stigma of IV use will never change.

Everyone says I should change, I should quit. Not cut back, but abstain entirely from ALL drugs. But who would I be if I wasn't a Junky? That's my identity. It's who I am. Maybe I will want something different some day. But I've been on junk for over 10 years, and for now, I will keep my habit. And I will keep searching for my perfect incarnation of what a Junky should be. And hopefully one day, I'll strike the balance between social and personal contentment, and the recreational use of what some call "the hardest drug." 8)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=puvRWiV19cI
A collection of pictures showing me preparing and shooting Heroin.

 

This is great! Give us more!! :D

A few thoughts - I had mentioned Ceremonial Chemistry earlier. I like what you did here in terms of hashing out some things starting through the frame of linguistics and philosophy of language/metaphysical stuff. Identity, as a mishmash of how we define ourselves as autonomous (as well as dependent in the broader sense), distinct individuals and how others/culture/society define us in return (which can end up nurturing our sense of self and well-being or disenfranchise/empoverish us) is very useful framework to work with. Toward a more nuanced understanding of ourselves and our world I mean.

The latter, how society works to impart identities on us as objects, often paternalistic, coercive or marginalizing (Burroughs would probably refer to his concept of "control"), has a lot to do with the quality of our lives, after all. Duh, I mean, dope is illegal; IDUs are nothing if not treated like dirt. On the other hand, the self-deterministic side to identity can be a very useful tool, liberating and formative, especially when we're able to "see," as they say, "the world with eyes unclouded by hate." Of course it's easy to get catch up in the shit, getting depressed and ending up internalizing those coercive aspects (i.e. widely accepted dope is evil -> people who use dope are evil, people close to me tell me this, I begin to see myself as evil, consciously and/or unconsciously, whatever)...

Lost my train of thought... What I loved about Szasz book was how he hashed out this junky identity. One of my favorite parts was his little intro and historical discussion about how the meaning of the word/concept "addict" has changed over the last 200 or more years (the word didn't have any negative connotations, not anywhere near those it carries at present; there wasn't really anything inherently normative about describing someone as an addict in 1800, didn't make the person good or bad, it was more of a descriptive concept, as the following old usage expression highlights, "She is addicted to politics," and surely the concept of addiction as we understand it, and of course the creation, demonization and recreation of the vile "dope fiend").

While I doubt it would teach you anything new, that's actually another fun book, "The Birth of Heroin and Demonization of the Dope Fiend."

More later. BTW, you DO need to do more blogging to encourage me to do the same what do they call it, peer support or encouragement? or peer pressure? hehe

 

Damn it! I know you are right... I've been promising another blog for what? A month now! Inexcusable!! ah, well.... another goal for this evening. Eventually it's bound to happen! haha. Thanks for your note, I appreciate the feed back!