younger brother's downward spiral

[IAmTheWalrus]

My brother is 20 years old and I'm kind of upset/angry about the choices he is making in his life. We grew up in a heavily dysfunctional home, with rampant alcoholism and drug abuse on the part of our parents. Our father died from cirrhosis when I was 10 and my brother was 8. My mom continued to drink dysfunctionally for another 10 years after my father's death until she finally lost her home. She actually has been sober, for the first time in almost thirty years, for almost two years now.

In March, my brother was arrested for DUI. He was 19 at the time. He has since been arrested two more times for underage drinking and also started using heroin (whch I found out by chance from a mutual friend.)

He called me right after he got out of jail on the DUI, but he hid the heroin use and the underge drinking arrests from me (my mom told me, thinking I already knew). This bothers me because I have been honest with him about my own drinking/drug use. It bothers me that he's doing stupid shit and not doing much to remove himself from these situations where he's likely to get busted. He's becomingly increasingly selfish, to the point where when he calls me (once every two or three weeks), he will just whine about his life for 10-15 minutes and then get off the phone. He has never asked me any questions about what I'm up to. He doesn't even know the name of the school I am going to. It bothers me that he has not done anything to deal with the pain he suffered as a child (I go to Al-Anon, I know AA/Al-Anon isn't for everyone, but it's helped me, and I wish he would at least try that or talking to someone and acknowledge the issues rather than drown them in booze).

I moved to Florida from Illinois when I was 18 to get away from this. I'm tired of addictions ruining the people I love. It took me a year to get over my most recent relationship with a recovering drug addict who relapsed hard and went to prison. I lost my dad. I never had a mom until just recently. And now I'm losing my brother. I know there's nothing I can do to make him stop.

It's hard for me to say anythign to him because while I believe in responsible drug use, I have done iresponsible things. I feel as if he has been dealt the shitty hand and he's just been the one getting caught doing alot of the things I did too (except for heroin, never did that). I watch my own consumption carefully and believe I do not have any addiction problems as of right now. That's not to say I never will, but I believe that because I know that I am at risk, I watch myself. I feel like my brother is not watching himself. He chalks it all up to being 20 and wanting to party, which some of it may be, but I'm feeling like alot of it is not.

When my mom was drinking, I cut her off. When my ex got all whacked out, I cut him off. But these people were hostile to me while they were using and it was easier to cut them off. I have been considering cutting my brother off, but he's not mean to me (except for like 2 times when he's gotten shitfaced and said some really fucked up thinsg to me, but now I love 1200 miles away so I don't ever see him drunk). When I asked him about his heroin use, he seemed to be pretty upfront about it and was understanding when I pointed out how selfish he had been. He claims he has quit using heroin completely, partially because I found out and partially because he sees what is happening to his friends, but I'm concerned. He hid it from me in the first place. My ex was actively using for probably a few weeks, living in my home, sleeping in my bed, and I had no idea. What are my chances of knowing anything with someone who lives so far away? Also, my brother sees how messed up everyone else's life has gotten because of drinking, he sees how messed up his own life is getting because of drinking, and he has yet to even think about quitting.

As of right now, I haveonly resolved not to ever give him any money (he has only asked a few times in the past) and nto to lecture him. Who am I to tell him what to do? I don't know what's best for him, I don't know what he wants in life. All I know is I used to consider him my best friend and now I don't even want to talk to him when he calls.

Sorry for the long post. I guess I'm just looking for a little advice, maybe how to better handle the situation so as to not be tolerant of the bullshit, but also be a supporting sister without being perceived as condescending (because my life is actually pretty well put together) or controlling. I tried the controlling/condescneding approach with my mom, being young and not knowing what else to do, and I tried the passive approach with my ex, just letting him do his thing and only protesting when things got really out of hand, and neither approach helped at all. I guess I just want to find a healthy, effective middlegeound because being controlling and being passive.

Thanks for reading guys. Your opinions are very appreciated.

 

[ocean]

I sort of understand this- from completely different situations but I've been in a similar place.

I would say to have a serious conversation with your brother and just be honest about how you feel.
You can be direct, tell him what you think would be better choices, and how you have overcome the obstacles your life has given the both of you, without being condescending.
Plus, hearing all of this from you might be the stable support he needs.
It sounds like he has little to no structure in his life-
Maybe you should have him come visit for a while......maybe getting him out of that enviornment would be a good idea?
Being open and honest and speaking from the heart is always a good way to go. Sometimes people don't want to hear it, but if you're honest and coming from a place of love, I don't see how it is so harmful.

I wish you lots of luck!
And remember you are only in charge of your life, so try not to let his "downward spiral" take you with him

 

[Georgie25]

I'd try to talk him into getting some kind of therapy, like Al-anon to deal with the emotional abuse he may have gotten from growing up in a alcoholic family. I know it's one of the reasons I turned to drugs in the first place, to escape all the fights and yelling. Tell him you don't think it's fair for him to call and not let you tell him things. A conversation is back and forth, not one sided.

Other than that though, and maybe a family intervention of sorts, there's nothing you can really do especially being so far away. He's gonna have to want to change to change!

 

[IAmTheWalrus]

Thanks guys.

I was almost tempted to ask him to come visit or live with me at one point, but I have tried that before. When I was in my senior year of high school, he stopped going to school and I basically begged him to come stay with me in my apartment so I could help him get to school and he refused. Then, when I moved to Florida, I invited him down again to live with me and my very nice, stable bf. However, the bf and I broke up and because my brother couldn't get a job bc of his weed charges, I moved in two "friends" who partied all the time. While my brother did legitimately look for a job, after spending four months in my house, he was still unable to find one and contributed not one cent to the bills. He ended up living off of his credit cards. One time, I asked him not to get fucked up one night so he could help me do something with my car in the morning, and he ended up getting so shitfaced, almost falling down the concrete stairs in the backyard, and then cussing me out in the morning when i tried to wake him. He ended up leaving because one of his friends in IL came into some cash and offered to help him out for a few months.

Yeah, I'll never do that again.

I think I'm just going to tell him one last time I am here if he needs support, advice on going back to school, etc.....but other than that, I'm done. I'm going to make it very clear to both him and my mom that I am finished hearing about the petty drama and the stupidity. It's not going to follow me down here.

My grandma joked to my mom that my dad was reincarnated through my brother. While I loved my dad, he did alot of horrible things. He abused my mother and put down my brother as a child. He was unreliable and manipulative. And he died way too young and as an unhappy man. He eventually lost contact with his siblings as well.

I'm not having someone like that in my life to fuck it up while they're alive and then die on me anyways.

I think I just realized there's no way to feel good about this situation.

 

[Jabberwocky]

Yep, I have family members that I don't engage and will not go out of my way to help. It doesn't feel good but you come to acceptance of it after a while.

To make an all out effort for them ends up using up all of a persons reserves and resources with only a small chance of real success in helping them change. It is understandable to not feel good about the situation but don't feel bad, and especially don't let the problem person make you feel bad.

A window of opportunity could come up where helping them is appropriate. Its not our job to create it nor our we responsible to detect it. It is possible though.