Young hopeless waste of life..

[geraggh34]

I'm 20 years old and have been an opiate addict since 16, did my first shot of dope at 17. Now I try to stay on bupe I get off the street but I'm also addicted to benzos, still addicted to the needle shoot all my bupe doses and use IV cocaine every now and then. Me and my girlfriend of three years just split which is emotionally kills me. I want to go to treatment specifically methadone because I can't afford bupe and honestly on 'done I don't feel the need to abuse benzos stims or other drugs.

I get 90 clonazepam a month from a friend of mine who doesn't take them( I haven't been to a doc in years) I'm so mentally and emotionally crippled right now.. I live about 45 minutes away from Nashville where the closest methadone clinic is. I don't think they would let me in the program unless I kick benzos but what the fuck can I do? I have a shitty minimum wage job where I get 25 to 39 hours a week and am currently look for a better job. I hate this fucking town, the people everything. I want to move to Nashville get away from this shit pit get on methadone and enjoy my life. I just don't know where to start.


I have no credit to consign for a place to live.. None of my family but my dad will help but he lives in TX.. My parents don't know I am a drug addict and I'm afraid if I tell them. Straight to rehab and I refuse to..



I'm so hopeless and emotionally crippled at this point losing the girl that I was dating who lived with me and was there through thick and thin is gone.. I broke up with her because I caught her running around on me


EDIT: I forgot to add that I haven't had a parental figure around since right before I started really using narcotics I don't blame my parents for my use but my mom left me and my older sister and her son my nephew to live with her now married partner. My pops moved to TX when I was about 12 which really sucked at the time because when my dad was here he was ALWAYS there for me.

 

[DooMMooD]

Firstly I say this to everyone because my social worker says it repeatedly, and its really stuck with me:

Suspend judgement on yourself.

This means don't call yourself a "waste of life", don't say how bad you are at X or why. In essence, do not dump on yourself, ever. Theres PLENTY of people in the world who want to take a shit on you: dont be one of them. This is INCREDIBLY hard to do, don't get it twisted. Its really, really, really hard, to be in that position and NOT think of yourself in such a way. But heres why you cant:

A year from now you could be TOTALLY DIFFERENT. You could realize all of this was because of the drugs, or you could have a big event that changes you. You may then realize that all of that shit you thought about yourself was totally and completely wrong. All of these bad things you think of yourself could end up being so far from the mark that you might be bringing yourself down for no reason. Again, "this shit ain't easy," but then again nothing in life worth having comes easy.

Secondly, get yourself some help man. You cannot do this on your own. Seriously, you cant. Sure maybe 1/100,000 addicts can do it on their own (and notice I said addicts not drug users) but they are the exception. If we all could do it on our own, no one would ever relapse. SO! Go to NA, go to a methadone/bupe program, counseling, whatever is available take advantage of it.

Now you might sit there and go "But doom, I would have to get off of xanax to get on methadone; I have no way of getting to the clinic; I have no money to pay for it." and to that I say: you've gotta find a way. The help is out there. My social worker always tells us we will have to make sacrifices. You dont get everything for nothing. You are going to have to be a bit uncomfortable. Maybe that means getting off the bars to get on methadone, maybe that means living a bit cheaper as you devote money towards your program. Maybe that means sitting on a freezing bus for an hour and a half every day to get to an NA meeting (something I have experienced myself). It doesn't matter what, just know that you wont be comfortable. I say this time and time again: if youre comfortable? You're doing it wrong: kicking drugs is kicking your comforts.

A lot of us have gone through very similar stuff man. I didn't really have a dad as he was an alcoholic, and because of that my mom was out of her bird. The only girl I loved dumped my ass awhile back, and I got so fucked up it was beyond belief. I haven't had a girl since, so I'm definitely uncomfortable in that regard. I had to GO TO NA for 3 months. I had to take a bus for a year going back and fourth to meetings, group, suboxone doctor, everywhere. I had to quit doing heroin, quit smoking cigarettes, go back to school and actually have to work my ass off to do well (before I was used to sliding by on my smarts alone, and not my hard work). I had to go to the gym 4-5 times a week and be all tired and shit from that. I had to deal with old bills, old "friends" calling, the looks of incredulity from my family, friends, and all that shit.

In short: I had to do a lot of hard fucking shit. Not as hard as some: some have to do all this AND have a kid, or have Hep C or something. I'm not saying what I went through was the worst possible version of this, but that doesn't make it easy. It may seem "easy" compared to what others endured, but it is the hardest thing I've ever had to do. It also will be the hardest thing you ever do. And do you you think I was happy and comfortable doing all that shit amigo? Helllllllllll naw.

It fucking sucks, no way around it. A friend of mine every time he comes to group goes "I hate this fucking shit. This shit fucking sucks all of it and I dont want to be here", and I cannot say I disagree. I just have realized it sucks a lot less than the alternative.

If you cannot already tell, its far from easy. But theres a lot of shit you need to do. That was the biggest thing I got from NA: learning that theres a difference between what I NEED to do and what I WANT to do. And usually too that disconnect is HUGE. The luckiest people on the planet in my humble opinion, are the ones who can line up their wants and needs.

Once again, I am not trying to scare you, just be pragmatic: this shit is HARD. It is hard, hard, hard. Again, if its not making you uncomfortable and is not hard? You're probably not doing it right. "Nothing in life worth having comes easy." It is worth it though, I promise you that.

Good luck amigo.

 

[beengerman]

Suspend judgement on yourself.

that is very good advice
ill be stealing it from you

 

[lordnate93]

go to meetings like doom said. ive met many young people in recovery who have been thru just as much. granted im glad im not in that situation (anymore), but i have been time and time again, i started iv opiates at 16 and its been a long road since, with not really any memorys worth noting. any 1 can live clean if they can be honest and live the NA/AA way. ive seen some hopeless fucks get years of sobriety bro you are not an exception, if you stop and start living differently things can only end up better. note i didnt say get instantly better, but nontheless it will get better and u wont have to wake up sick, thats somthing im super grateful for.

 

[DooMMooD]

that is very good advice
ill be stealing it from you

Wish I could take credit for it, but I stole it myself! As I said its something my social worker (who runs my group) says quite frequently and has embedded in my skull. I stole it because its absolutely 100% correct.

 

[SineWaveSoldier]

Alright brother. You're not useless or hopeless.
If you really want to help yourself and get out of that hole it takes action and will power.
First of all, No more cocaine. It causes too much depression and with a history of opiate and benzo use the shit is just not conducive to helping your mental state.

Then start going to meetings. You'll find there some hope and positivity that will in all likeleyhood make you see that it is possible for people like us to lead sucessful, rewarding, and sober lives.

Once you go to meetings and start to make that commitment its possible you will have more of a drive to start to taper yourself down from the benzos and opiates. Start with the subs and if you need to go into treatment. A quick detox in a treatment facility is painless and stops the dreadful process of jumping off.

I shot heroin for 11 years. Along with literally anything else I could put in my veins. This world is a terrible fucked up place; and believe it or not you could be worse off. Its admireable that you are this young and want to stop.

For that I applaud and support your will to stop and encourage you to take action and enter recovery. Recovery is fun man, it is. Its so nice to be able to laugh and enjoy life sober. I have faith, you can do it!

 

[maxalfie]

You have age and time on your side. You are still young with plenty of your life to live yet.
Don't regret the years you have been using drugs because you can't change that but you can change your future and have a great life ahead of you.
Do whatever you need to do to get yourself off the drugs and yeah it may be hard but anything worth doing is. Then you can enjoy the rest of your life, don't leave it until a few more years down the line when it will be even harder to quit.
I wish you all the best mate and hope that you can get things sorted so u can get on with enjoying your life.

 

[meg818]

Bro take it from an ex-heroin addict and ex-benzo addict. Those are two drugs that usually REQUIRE rehab to quit. Especially benzos as you can die from the withdrawals so you need to be tapered off. There is no shame in it. Tell your parents, go to rehab, fuck that minimum wage job if they fire you. You will come out and be a new person and you can start over.

You are only 20 which is good. Your body has a good shot to get close to how you were when you were 15 and never tried drugs. The way to that isn't by taking more drugs (methadone), you need to just get as far away from drugs and drug culture as possible.

 

[MittZombie]

It sucks losing a girl when you're an addict, and it will definetely work against you. It's a lot of heartbreak mixed with hopelessness
Methadone is tough to kick, but there's at least some structure to get you back into the flow of a normal life.
I don't know if you live in the country or the suburbs, but FUCK YEAH, move to Memphis. Get to a city, they're so much better. Sure, there's more drugs but it doesn't sound like you're having a problem finding them now. There will be more things to do and more people to meet, all of which can be very helpful in distracting you from the problems your facing now