18 days clean and I already am experiencing HUGE noticeable differences in my life. Surprisingly, I'm not plagued with the obsession to use drugs this time around. Maybe it really isn't that surprising, after all.
I was asked when I came back to NA, 'What are you going to do different this time?'. I struggled for a week with that simple question and I really didn't know. I believed I worked hard at staying clean those 9 months and 25 days and the simple fact of the matter is that I CHOSE to use (I actually forced myself to get high on that day that lasted over 3 months)
I now realize that I AM doing things different. I'm hanging out with other people in NA. People with decent amounts of clean time. I'm following suggestions regardless of comfort level and I speak on the phone with numerous addicts on a daily basis.
I feel good. I've put some weight on. I'm helping others when I can. I'm somewhat responsible and I actually feel okay inside my own skin.
When I'm using, I'm a piece of shit that does things that go against my own beliefs. I hurt people. I steal. I manipulate. I'm suicidal. I only care about me and getting my next 'get high'
Shit, when I'm using I am a broken down, shriveled up, weak coward.
Today I mowed my parents lawn, and dragged chopped up stumps from a chainsawed tree to the curb. Later on, I went to a meeting.
After the meeting me and my boy Raul went to this coffee bar in Philly called Expresso Yourself (yeah, I'm saying the name because the place is struggling and they could use a plug). I had only been there two other times and its a really nice place.
This coffee bar has meetings in the basement and has open mike nights, karaoke and live performances upstairs throughout the week.
What makes the place special is that everyone that frequents the spot is in some sort of 12 Step fellowship and it gets PACKED.
Its real nice to go somewhere where I don't have to pretend, where I don't have to strut the 'tough guy strut'. I can be me in a safe environment.
After about an hour at Expresso Yourself, Raul and I went to a dude's 20th anniversary in North Philly. They had rented out a club and there was food, music and dancing. I only knew about 4 people there out of perhaps 200 but it was nice.
Ya know what's strange? North Philly is one big fucking ghetto. Natives frequently call certain areas 'The Badlands' (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Philadelphia_Badlands). I used to cop in The Badlands and I was not triggered or plagued with the desire to use regardless of how close I was to the corner that I am quite fond of.
Its real simple there are really only two choices for me....
I can get with this (a life of being okay with me) or I can get with THAT (a life of misery and and progressive degradation)
Yeah... fuckin' hell... I'm gonna stick with THIS!
I was asked when I came back to NA, 'What are you going to do different this time?'. I struggled for a week with that simple question and I really didn't know. I believed I worked hard at staying clean those 9 months and 25 days and the simple fact of the matter is that I CHOSE to use (I actually forced myself to get high on that day that lasted over 3 months)
I now realize that I AM doing things different. I'm hanging out with other people in NA. People with decent amounts of clean time. I'm following suggestions regardless of comfort level and I speak on the phone with numerous addicts on a daily basis.
I feel good. I've put some weight on. I'm helping others when I can. I'm somewhat responsible and I actually feel okay inside my own skin.
When I'm using, I'm a piece of shit that does things that go against my own beliefs. I hurt people. I steal. I manipulate. I'm suicidal. I only care about me and getting my next 'get high'
Shit, when I'm using I am a broken down, shriveled up, weak coward.
Today I mowed my parents lawn, and dragged chopped up stumps from a chainsawed tree to the curb. Later on, I went to a meeting.
After the meeting me and my boy Raul went to this coffee bar in Philly called Expresso Yourself (yeah, I'm saying the name because the place is struggling and they could use a plug). I had only been there two other times and its a really nice place.
This coffee bar has meetings in the basement and has open mike nights, karaoke and live performances upstairs throughout the week.
What makes the place special is that everyone that frequents the spot is in some sort of 12 Step fellowship and it gets PACKED.
Its real nice to go somewhere where I don't have to pretend, where I don't have to strut the 'tough guy strut'. I can be me in a safe environment.
After about an hour at Expresso Yourself, Raul and I went to a dude's 20th anniversary in North Philly. They had rented out a club and there was food, music and dancing. I only knew about 4 people there out of perhaps 200 but it was nice.
Ya know what's strange? North Philly is one big fucking ghetto. Natives frequently call certain areas 'The Badlands' (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Philadelphia_Badlands). I used to cop in The Badlands and I was not triggered or plagued with the desire to use regardless of how close I was to the corner that I am quite fond of.
Its real simple there are really only two choices for me....
I can get with this (a life of being okay with me) or I can get with THAT (a life of misery and and progressive degradation)
Yeah... fuckin' hell... I'm gonna stick with THIS!
