Bojangles69
Bluelighter
- Joined
- May 20, 2009
- Messages
- 1,757
Was a pretty casual conversation and I've never lied to my parents about my drug use as they've just never asked. But I promised throughout my addiction that if they ever did ask, I would tell them and not lie about it.
Its pretty interesting how they ask now that I'm getting my life together as opposed to a few months ago when I was out of work and still being a leech. But it started with my mom saying that my older brother told her he thought I was using again, and he was the one who originally found out I was addicted to speed 10+ years ago so when he says anything to them about me using drugs they think back to when he was right about my meth abuse.
So she asked once and I evaded the answer rather smoothly. Asking her "what would give you that idea I'm working aren't I? Holding a stable job down?" Conversation went on for a few minutes and I guess she noticed I didn't exactly answer the question. So I explained to them how I relapsed on opiates 3 years ago and didn't really start making an effort to get off till a year ago when I tapered off pods 12 months ago and failed.
It was a weird conversation and she kept asking over and over "why didn't you just tell us?" and I told her I "didn't want to listen to your solutions as you don't really understand the problem enough, opiate addiction that is". And of course first thing my mom says is "you NEED to start going back to NA meetings", and I've heard it before a thousand times. Thats my moms solution to everything. "Those NA people who work the program never relapse etc etc". So I was prepared this time and started going over statistics of how many NA people actually relapse (most of them) and how NA is definitely not the only solution to getting off drugs.
I had told her however that I stopped using opiates back in May and the doctor I was seeing in NY was not a regular dr but an addiction specialist. And my mom said "do you really think 1 dr is going to help you get off drugs, compared to an entire program of addicts that have been through what you're going through and gotten through it?" Then I told her "see mom this is why I never told you I was using, because I'm telling you right now that NA is not going to fix my life and you still keep bringing the topic back to NA. Then she said something like "well can't you go at least once a week its not going to kill you?". And I agreed it won't kill me lol, just to get off the fucking topic of NA.
I don't really feel relieved thought at all not sure why I think maybe because I've already made some efforts in my life to get cleaned up like going on suboxone. But I certaintly didn't tell them I was on suboxone. I lied and told them I was on a med called Nalaxone, which is an opiate blocker and will cause me to get sick if I ever use. So they pretty much think I'm off opiates, but I explained to them that I won't get any real normal behavoirs back untill I've been off the Nalaxone for a year or 2. She asked me "why don't you just go back to detox?" and I said because detox only gets you off opiates, and does nothing for keeping you off them.
Was not a real emotional conversation at all although I do think my mom was trying to hide a lot of her real emotions. She had mentioned various times throughout the conversation "the only thing the worries me the most is that this has been going on for 14 years". That being addiction and when I started initially using drugs. Although I did have a span of 5 years clean in that 14 years. Anyway I told her straight out "mom I really do want to get my life together, but the reality is this is not something that will ever just end one day... and chances are I'll have some form of problem with addiction till the day I die".
THAT was when she started getting emotional and I said "mom if you have ANY faith in me whatsoever you will stop crying right now".
I don't really know how I feel about all of this tbo. I feel like its going to be thrown in my face a couple weeks from now the second my mom decides that I'm not making a strong enough "effort" into fix myself. I almost feel like I should have lied but another part of me feels like "fuck, I don't want my parents thinking that this is the 'normal me' either". So who really knows wtf is going to happen.
I'm not using anymore just on my subs and its like now I feel I have to start doing all types of other shit and I'm just not sure I'm ready. Like fixing behavoirs that have been feeding my addiction my whole life like insomnia. Like am I just going to start waking up early tommorow just to make my parents believe I'm making an "effort". Thats the type of shit they like to see that convinces them I'm getting better, and I kinda feel trapped now like what did I get myself into.
I really just pray and hope they can give me my space and time and realize this is something that I will be recovering from for years, and not something I'm just going to fix in a few weeks and get over. Thats what they don't really understand about opiates is the long term effects or anything about PAWs at all. She asked me "after all that pain you went through in detox I can not possibly understand why you would have ever went back to using that shit in only 1 year". And I told her "see mom thats why you don't get it, just because I was off the opiates for 12 months didn't mean the opiates still weren't effecting me". And it was so hard for her to understand but she did at least shut up for a minute and let me speak about it.
Anyway I don't really know what to say. Telling the parents was huge and although I told her not to speak to my brothers about it I know how my family is and every single person in my family will soon know that I didn't in fact conquer my addiction and leave all that shit behind me like they all thought.
Maybe its a good thing, maybe it will drive me to relapse idrk. I do still think about pods and how fucking awesome a tall glass of pod tea would feel. I think about it still everyday. I was even planning on one last relapse before I started tapering my sub but fuck man I am just so mentally exhausted over addiction. I want to use but I don't want to use. I crave the feeling of intense euphoria but I loathe the sleeping all day and not caring about anything normal. I also think a lot of times "fuck I'm on sub which is continuing to tax my receptors so how would using really be any different?" but man I really feel exhausted.
Maybe I won't relapse again who knows? I've just genuinely reached a point where it makes me sooo tired just to think about. Like WHAT THE FUCK is using again going to give me? Nothing. 8 hours of an escape and yeh it will feel good, yeh its like the only real 'reward' left in my life that I can actually feel, but yes its also more than likely to ruin my life worse than before.
There HAS TO BE a point where an opiate addict just loses all their energy and motivation to use. And I'm not sure I'm there 100%... well I'm definitely not.... but something has really changed in the way I view using now. Its genuinely not an exciting thing to look forward to anymore. It makes me feel like a child, like a defective person who will never get their shit together. Like I never really hit a specific rock bottom here so I'm having trouble figuring out if I'm getting better, stagnating or getting worse. Idk am just rambling now but had to get all this out. Am tired as fuck its like 10pm which is very rare. So maybe I'll actually go to bed and wake up early tommorow. I'm even getting weird feelings at night just from staying up late like when 2am comes around and I'm still up I get depressed as fuck. I think I have this very powerful but very silenced desire to reach my full potential in life and I almost feel like these are the begining stages. There can't be a 15th year being locked in this addiction. I'm turning 30 next summer and really want to get passed all this shit once and for all. Because at least I can use the excuse "I was a slow maturer". "I really didn't start growing up till I was 30". I'd be ok telling myself that. But I sure as fuck wouldn't be ok telling myself "I threw away my entire life because I just loved using opiates that much".
NOO WAYYYY would I be ok with that.
Anyway, peace & love to all you struggling addicts out there. NOONE really knows the type of shit we gotta go through on a daily basis and I have so much respect for each and everyone of you. How lost we can feel on certain days when that depression hits. Then the days we just feel outright lost. Never knowing what tommorows going to bring. Never knowing if we are ever going to choose life over drugs. Never knowing too many things. Really I feel for all you guys, and I really wish the best for all of you. Addiction is not something I would wish on my worst enemy. And it saddens me so much everyday just to log in to this place and see sooo mannyyyy people suffering from addiction. I'm not in a good mood right now or really a bad one, but something tells me that this is just not the plan that god has laid out for any of you. I don't know that for a fact, but it just wouldn't make sense at all if that was the reality of this situation. I think someone up above has a bigger plan for us all, and that plan sure as fuck is not drug addiction.
-Bo
Its pretty interesting how they ask now that I'm getting my life together as opposed to a few months ago when I was out of work and still being a leech. But it started with my mom saying that my older brother told her he thought I was using again, and he was the one who originally found out I was addicted to speed 10+ years ago so when he says anything to them about me using drugs they think back to when he was right about my meth abuse.
So she asked once and I evaded the answer rather smoothly. Asking her "what would give you that idea I'm working aren't I? Holding a stable job down?" Conversation went on for a few minutes and I guess she noticed I didn't exactly answer the question. So I explained to them how I relapsed on opiates 3 years ago and didn't really start making an effort to get off till a year ago when I tapered off pods 12 months ago and failed.
It was a weird conversation and she kept asking over and over "why didn't you just tell us?" and I told her I "didn't want to listen to your solutions as you don't really understand the problem enough, opiate addiction that is". And of course first thing my mom says is "you NEED to start going back to NA meetings", and I've heard it before a thousand times. Thats my moms solution to everything. "Those NA people who work the program never relapse etc etc". So I was prepared this time and started going over statistics of how many NA people actually relapse (most of them) and how NA is definitely not the only solution to getting off drugs.
I had told her however that I stopped using opiates back in May and the doctor I was seeing in NY was not a regular dr but an addiction specialist. And my mom said "do you really think 1 dr is going to help you get off drugs, compared to an entire program of addicts that have been through what you're going through and gotten through it?" Then I told her "see mom this is why I never told you I was using, because I'm telling you right now that NA is not going to fix my life and you still keep bringing the topic back to NA. Then she said something like "well can't you go at least once a week its not going to kill you?". And I agreed it won't kill me lol, just to get off the fucking topic of NA.
I don't really feel relieved thought at all not sure why I think maybe because I've already made some efforts in my life to get cleaned up like going on suboxone. But I certaintly didn't tell them I was on suboxone. I lied and told them I was on a med called Nalaxone, which is an opiate blocker and will cause me to get sick if I ever use. So they pretty much think I'm off opiates, but I explained to them that I won't get any real normal behavoirs back untill I've been off the Nalaxone for a year or 2. She asked me "why don't you just go back to detox?" and I said because detox only gets you off opiates, and does nothing for keeping you off them.
Was not a real emotional conversation at all although I do think my mom was trying to hide a lot of her real emotions. She had mentioned various times throughout the conversation "the only thing the worries me the most is that this has been going on for 14 years". That being addiction and when I started initially using drugs. Although I did have a span of 5 years clean in that 14 years. Anyway I told her straight out "mom I really do want to get my life together, but the reality is this is not something that will ever just end one day... and chances are I'll have some form of problem with addiction till the day I die".
THAT was when she started getting emotional and I said "mom if you have ANY faith in me whatsoever you will stop crying right now".
I don't really know how I feel about all of this tbo. I feel like its going to be thrown in my face a couple weeks from now the second my mom decides that I'm not making a strong enough "effort" into fix myself. I almost feel like I should have lied but another part of me feels like "fuck, I don't want my parents thinking that this is the 'normal me' either". So who really knows wtf is going to happen.
I'm not using anymore just on my subs and its like now I feel I have to start doing all types of other shit and I'm just not sure I'm ready. Like fixing behavoirs that have been feeding my addiction my whole life like insomnia. Like am I just going to start waking up early tommorow just to make my parents believe I'm making an "effort". Thats the type of shit they like to see that convinces them I'm getting better, and I kinda feel trapped now like what did I get myself into.
I really just pray and hope they can give me my space and time and realize this is something that I will be recovering from for years, and not something I'm just going to fix in a few weeks and get over. Thats what they don't really understand about opiates is the long term effects or anything about PAWs at all. She asked me "after all that pain you went through in detox I can not possibly understand why you would have ever went back to using that shit in only 1 year". And I told her "see mom thats why you don't get it, just because I was off the opiates for 12 months didn't mean the opiates still weren't effecting me". And it was so hard for her to understand but she did at least shut up for a minute and let me speak about it.
Anyway I don't really know what to say. Telling the parents was huge and although I told her not to speak to my brothers about it I know how my family is and every single person in my family will soon know that I didn't in fact conquer my addiction and leave all that shit behind me like they all thought.
Maybe its a good thing, maybe it will drive me to relapse idrk. I do still think about pods and how fucking awesome a tall glass of pod tea would feel. I think about it still everyday. I was even planning on one last relapse before I started tapering my sub but fuck man I am just so mentally exhausted over addiction. I want to use but I don't want to use. I crave the feeling of intense euphoria but I loathe the sleeping all day and not caring about anything normal. I also think a lot of times "fuck I'm on sub which is continuing to tax my receptors so how would using really be any different?" but man I really feel exhausted.
Maybe I won't relapse again who knows? I've just genuinely reached a point where it makes me sooo tired just to think about. Like WHAT THE FUCK is using again going to give me? Nothing. 8 hours of an escape and yeh it will feel good, yeh its like the only real 'reward' left in my life that I can actually feel, but yes its also more than likely to ruin my life worse than before.
There HAS TO BE a point where an opiate addict just loses all their energy and motivation to use. And I'm not sure I'm there 100%... well I'm definitely not.... but something has really changed in the way I view using now. Its genuinely not an exciting thing to look forward to anymore. It makes me feel like a child, like a defective person who will never get their shit together. Like I never really hit a specific rock bottom here so I'm having trouble figuring out if I'm getting better, stagnating or getting worse. Idk am just rambling now but had to get all this out. Am tired as fuck its like 10pm which is very rare. So maybe I'll actually go to bed and wake up early tommorow. I'm even getting weird feelings at night just from staying up late like when 2am comes around and I'm still up I get depressed as fuck. I think I have this very powerful but very silenced desire to reach my full potential in life and I almost feel like these are the begining stages. There can't be a 15th year being locked in this addiction. I'm turning 30 next summer and really want to get passed all this shit once and for all. Because at least I can use the excuse "I was a slow maturer". "I really didn't start growing up till I was 30". I'd be ok telling myself that. But I sure as fuck wouldn't be ok telling myself "I threw away my entire life because I just loved using opiates that much".
NOO WAYYYY would I be ok with that.
Anyway, peace & love to all you struggling addicts out there. NOONE really knows the type of shit we gotta go through on a daily basis and I have so much respect for each and everyone of you. How lost we can feel on certain days when that depression hits. Then the days we just feel outright lost. Never knowing what tommorows going to bring. Never knowing if we are ever going to choose life over drugs. Never knowing too many things. Really I feel for all you guys, and I really wish the best for all of you. Addiction is not something I would wish on my worst enemy. And it saddens me so much everyday just to log in to this place and see sooo mannyyyy people suffering from addiction. I'm not in a good mood right now or really a bad one, but something tells me that this is just not the plan that god has laid out for any of you. I don't know that for a fact, but it just wouldn't make sense at all if that was the reality of this situation. I think someone up above has a bigger plan for us all, and that plan sure as fuck is not drug addiction.
-Bo
