Yay another recovery diary

Glad the meds are helping and lifting your mood ! How do you feel otherwise since you been clean a while now ? Did you say in a earlier post that you are hiv positive ? (There should be help out there for those hiv+ that you could take advantage of ..)

I’m enjoying reading your posts, I like to learn about how others live and deal with this crazy world we are living in 💓
 
Larimar said:
Glad the meds are helping and lifting your mood ! How do you feel otherwise since you been clean a while now ? Did you say in a earlier post that you are hiv positive ? (There should be help out there for those hiv+ that you could take advantage of ..)

I’m enjoying reading your posts, I like to learn about how others live and deal with this crazy world we are living in 💓
Click to expand...
I'm so glad you read my post for some reason I hate the idea of just yelling into the void but for all reasons being complicated, I don't know how to get what I'm saying out of my body in real life.

So here's what I notice with my meds

I'm taking olanzapine 5mg every night and wellbutrin 150mg XL in the mornings
And finally escitalopram 20mg at night

The escitalopram really idk what it does except make me look back and think that I acted in less depressed ways like maybe it works like I think very very minimally it works but really I don't feel anything ever (especially in the moment)

The olanzapine is fucking amazing so far. I was worried that it would make me like a zombie (this is of course what I heard from my very uneducated about psych meds mother back when I used to talk to her) but I've had none of those effects so far. I mean we're just in day 3 or 4 so of course I'm not feeling the full effects so far but let me tell you...

At night I used to get scared that a fucking snake was in my house or that the TV was talking too me (I know dumb right) but like I take that pill like an hour or 2 before bed and I don't have those fear anymore (so far at least, I hope it stays that way) during the day I've maybe noticed my extremely short live manic moments are no longer or at least less I really have appriciated the effects of the olanzapine.

The wellbutrin omg the wellbutrin... I love it and am scared about it at the same time because (and I might be wrong because I started both at the same time, however I was on wellbutrin before at a lower dose and never felt this way) it makes me feel like if I was micro dosing meth like today I'm a little shakey, but also it feels a little bit like I have more energy and am just overall thinking more positively.

Yes I'm HIV+, I found out last October and since then have been put on medicine and am now undetectable. I feel like a whole post could be dedicated just to this topic alone and how I found out I had HIV, but yes don't worry I am getting a lot of help. The place here that deals with HIV patients has paid for my rent in July and August and I can get help from them for one more month between September and July of next year.

Also I'm on the way there right now to go to counseling for this week.

Thank you for reading if you ever need some support I'm here

Shelby 7/30/21 1:21pm
 
The universe is reaching out and telling me I need to examine some of my intentions recently. Idk what that means but I'm going to Google it and figure out what mine are later.

This is just a note for later.
Shelby 7/30/21 3:52pm
 
I'm feeling proud of myself because I had an interview at a hotel in Tulsa on Wednesday. And I've not heard back from them and so today since my bus ran by the hotel anyways I thought I might as well just check to see how my application was going.

I stopped in and they told me that they were still doing interviews. Which is fine like I'm totally cool with that like I get it but they also didn't say when I should hear from them so that's certainly creating a lot of anxiety but also I am now waiting on the next bus out in the hot like I went to go check on my application in turn I had to sit in the sun waiting on the next bus.

I do feel proud of it like idk why I'm having this gloating feeling today I guess I just want the effort I'm putting into my sobriety to be visible like I don't know why but I feel like I shouldn't NEED that visibility to have a good sobriety but I suppose for so long I've had 10, 15, 20, 30, 60 and 90 days celebrated (mostly by my mom) and now since I don't talk to her anymore... It's just... Silent... Like sure I have two very distant friends who tell me things like "I'm so proud of you" but like... It's not the same as my mom, my own flesh and blood being proud of me.

Now I'm looking at this situation and I think... I should just be proud of myself why can't I be proud of myself and I am to a certain extent I guess. I'm always showing myself love in the things that I did that I didn't have to, but still...

Shelby 7/30/21 4:49pm
 
Okay so I'm feeling the need to write like my brain was like "shelby... Write, brother" so I'm writing. Too bad my brain didn't give me a topic to write about, it just told me to write 😂

So first off I just need to say I'm proud of myself for writing when I feel the need instead of just putting it off. Like I think it has helped so much and I hope and pray it continues to help as much as it has been.

Secondly I got the urge to use this morning just ever so slightly like I didn't use and I didn't even go and search (on grindr or whatever) for drugs and I'm really truly proud of myself for that. But I did get the very short term feeling "oh I really want to go get pipe full of dope right now" it wasn't like a withdrawal kind of thing but I'm glad that that feeling was only fleeting and short lived. I think it came from being in the hot yesterday, not having a job still, and puppy sitting. I really am thinking about taking a picture of my bedroom and posting it here it's got so much puppy shit in it and it's not like I didn't take her out I literally was taking her out every hour or even less when she was here except when I was asleep or at my therapy appoitment yesterday. But God a puppy is so stressful I'm so glad my dog is a dog now and he is potty trained and so much calmer because she was getting on my nerves so bad I had to call my "best friend" to come get her.

Also... I was a little perturbed that the puppy was just dumped on me like after I took my "best friend" and her girlfriend to the hospital multiple times this week they decided all of a sudden they were going to go an hour away to the girlfriends house to go swimming. And that's frusterating right like first off I don't have a car I can't go do the things that I want to go do and furthermore I took them to the hospital (in my "best friend's" car) multiple times multiple days for practically no pay only to have a puppy dumped on me for them to say "oh we're gonna do something fun, you're not invited, and here's a puppy" like *I* want to go swim motherfuckers, I literally have 2 packs of ramen for food in my name left and until the 10th till I get my food stamp card refilled, but I'm so fucking glad you're going to go have fun thanks y'all.

Ugh. It pisses me off so bad how they just live life.

I gave my friend $1,000 in January and $700 in February for her to just kick me out in March. And her rent is $600 the rest went to door dash like it sucks so bad like she just really has not been a friend to me but there's been many points that I wasn't a friend to her either so idk... Maybe it's God giving me a taste of my own medicine...

I've typed all of this and I'm glad that I got it off my chest like I've been noticing that for a long time I was telling my friends the same things I was posting here, but instead a lot of them were like "omg Shelby" like they mentally didn't know how to deal with it because they themselves weren't going through it like I would tell my friends about the addiction part and they would get overwhelmed and I would tell my friends about the trying to get clean part and they would get overwhelmed because they weren't in the same place in their recovery that I am/was and for the longest time I didn't feel like I could ever get helped... Sometimes I still feel that way actually.

Something else... It's crazy how many people I met that just... They're cool with dying an addict. Like... That fucks me up because I see so much potential in all these people who aren't trying and I don't know how to just let go of them like people that brought me drugs when I was at a low point in my life or brought me food when I didn't have any I just have to let them go because they don't serve a purpose in my life anymore and that really fucks me up like it fucks me up bad.

*deep breath* inhale............. Exhale.

I guess that's all I got right now I'm Shelby and I'm an addict :P

Haha

Shelby 7/31/21 2:03pm
 
Okay one more thing... I'm going to TODAY... reply to someone's thread like I also want to help someone. Like I recently took an aptitude quiz and my top result was "social worker" so yeah I think I'm going to try to venture out more from this thread (not saying I'm abandoning this thread this thread is my pride and joy like I will still post here daily or more when I feel the need) but maybe I can find some joy in helping other people too.

God give me wisdom help me find the right thing to say to these people haha.

Shelby 7/31/21 2:09pm
 
Okay so I replied to a thread. I'm proud of myself for it even though it wasn't helping anyone it was a thread about Journaling.

I'm very thankful to have this journal and this time for people to listen and give me feedback. I'm so grateful maybe even giddy with gratefulness right now.

Shelby 7/31/21
2:24pm
 
slw0363 said:
Okay one more thing... I'm going to TODAY... reply to someone's thread like I also want to help someone. Like I recently took an aptitude quiz and my top result was "social worker" so yeah I think I'm going to try to venture out more from this thread (not saying I'm abandoning this thread this thread is my pride and joy like I will still post here daily or more when I feel the need) but maybe I can find some joy in helping other people too.

God give me wisdom help me find the right thing to say to these people haha.

Shelby 7/31/21 2:09pm
Click to expand...
You love to write and you are clean. Go venture over into the Harm Reduction forums and even if you don't know how to help someone you can just say Hi and hope you are OK, and then get back out. You might just make someone feel better by simply saying a few kind words.

That's what I do. I have absolutely no experience with most of the drugs people are doing today but I can pop in and let them know someone is reading their thread.

You are doing a great job in keeping up this blog, by the way. Kudos to you.

Also, I know you wanted to help but the next time they want to use you for rides or puppy sitting just say NO !! I know it's hard to get into the practice of denying people but once you start it is soooooooo much more peaceful.

Also, if you are low on food contact a Church. Any Church. You don't even have to be spiritual. They have boxes and boxes of food at their disposal. 💙
 
Okay my brain is telling me to write again but this time it gave me some topics to write about...

Firstly (and maybe this is something I should put in a reply to the person that posted what I'm about to talk about but I'm really not trying to start no shit not on bluelight not anywhere lol) there was someone who commented on the journal thread after me that they didn't see the use in writing because all they do is complain about their life and I wouldn't even have to say anything about it but it's really getting into my head like THAT is the type of thought for me that would make me stop writing like it would get into my head and have itsself a little party and and it would eat up my other thoughts and get really fat so the reason I have to say something is so that way it doesn't do that... Like writing is fucking helping me and you know what recovery looks like a billion different things (despite what the "live NA so hard that you wipe your ass with NA toiletpaper" assholes have to say) and my recovery right now looks like every thought that fucks up my mind written down here on this thread like I am not better than doing this and in fact I WILL do this so that way I can get better. And I'm not taking comments or suggestions on different ways of doing my recovery at this time (other than going to inpatient when it opens back up here)

Thanks 🥰

Okay. Now that that is clear. And by the way I'm literally telling myself this I'm not talking to anybody not even the dude that posted that Journaling doesn't work for him because if recovery looks like a billion different things then that dude is finding the billionth and 1 way and good for him I am not him, writing works for me.

And one more thing... He commented about how the FBI was watching and cool. Hey FBI. I'm so glad you've been watching me put my fucking thoughts on paper trying to better myself if you can't see that I'm so strongly trying for something different then go ahead and arrest me I don't fuckin care maybe jail is something I need maybe I wouldn't have to worry about who's knocking at my door everytime someone knocks. I don't THINK that I need imprisoned, but if that's what the universe and everything is wise has in store for me then I'll be a man and fucking do it.

Okay... Really.. Moving on this time haha.

I even muted my TV for this shit haha like I'm really fuckin into this or something 😂

So... I've never had a relationship with my dad. Like he was a bullrider from my understanding and he also had a chicken farm in Arkansas. My mom and dad divorced because he lived outside of Bentonville and didn't see raising her kid in a bigger city (little did she know I was to become a city slicker myself lol)

I talked to him when I was younger like maybe 7 or 8 I think I was in third grade from what I remember and the last I saw my mom and dad fight we were in a mcdonalds parking lot and they were yelling about getting a lawyer or something. I can't really remember what it was about but I was living with my mom by then and so I went back with my mom.

Now neither my mom or dad did drugs. Now my grandfather on my mom's side was an alcoholic and he died an alcoholic. But nobody else in my family (except yours truly) became an addict by any means. I do take that back my mom in her teens and 20's was a pretty big stoner and when she abandoned her house I found some stoner wear but it doesn't bother me like I would sit and smoke a joint with her right now to show her it was cool if she were around. Weed doesn't really trip me up like I see the medicinal use for it but the last time I've smoked was many many weeks ago like it's completely out of my system pee and all at this point.

Okay so I take it back I did invite my dad to my graduation in high school I just remembered and I did it so jokingly, but the dude actually showed up to my surprise.

I don't think honestly that he didn't NOT want to be in my life I just think the animosity between my mom and his new wife was enough to keep us apart.

I don't have anything against my dad, for the longest time I thought he really didn't want to be my dad because I didn't see effort in him to make contact with me. But it occurs to me that maybe he was just trying to keep peace.

So... Here's the thing... I'm gay. Like... My dad is a chicken farmer right like... His ideas and virtues are 100% different than mine. And that's cool like I don't mind that like I'm not afraid to tell him how I feel, but I'm not willing to get into a fist fight with him either (not that either of us are that type of people)

And like... I don't want this to be about the money ok like literally I have 2 packs of ramen noodles to my name but I would die before I asked him for money like I'm sure he would give me money just if he knew the situation I was in but like I literally don't want my relationship with him to be about money.

So... And here's the big one... I found him and added him on Facebook and he added me back.

He hasn't sent me a message and I've not sent him a message either.

I'm not really sure what to do I'm sure now I'll get some message from him and have no idea how to reply but yeah.... My dad is my Facebook friend now... And like I shouldn't worry too much about the coming out thing like one look at my Facebook and he should be able to draw his own conclusions but still... Like I'll have to tell him... To his face... And I'm just not looking forward to that.


Anyways.... The weather's hot out there ain't it boys? 😂😂😂

Jkjkjk I'm so fucking grateful I have this outlet and the people who are willing to listen to me bitch and moan if that's what you wanna call it.

Talk to you guys later. Idk if I'm gonna write again or not tonight I hope so but I'm not gonna be dissapointed in myself if I choose not to.

Shelby 7/31/21 6:22pm
 
My like new favorite part about sobriety is like... I can just be outside like... I'm outside smoking a cigarette (actually I just put it out) and I'm drinking coffee (maybe the last couple elements of food I own besides 2 packs of ramen and some sugar) and I'm just outside. Like... I'm just... Outside...

Im not worried about someone looking at me weirdly I'm not worried about if every car driving by is a cop I'm literally the one watching other people like I fucking love people watching. I don't think people who are from big cities like tulsa get it (and yes I know tulsa isn't a big city but it is compared to the little 8,000 population place I'm from with like 2 stoplights) like they don't get just people watching and they don't get just going somewhere like they always think there has to be a destination like they don't get just getting in the car to drive around and that kinda fucks me up like what are they doing their whole lives I really don't understand.

Oh and another thing they don't get window shopping like I fucking LOVE going to stores even when I don't have money like yes I will be the motherfucker to spend 3 hours in Ross or TJ Maxx without buying a single goddamn thing because I'm broke and I don't fucking care like I'm getting some fuckin ideas about what I'm gonna buy when I DO have money hell I don't have a job and I'm probably not even gonna get one before rehab but imma window shop that's for sure.

Dont get me wrong I'll forget those ideas that I mentioned previously but I don't care, window shopping is better than crystal methamphetamine, Karen. Chill the fuck out and let me have my joy for a minute ok?

I do hate how hot it is though like I can't wait for like 60's or even 70's like that's some bomb ass weather where I can just sit outside for hours.

Within writing this the temperature jumped and it's kinda hot and muggy outside so I'll probably drink the rest of my coffee and smoke another cigarette and just be for a minute before going in.

Shelby 8/1/21 12:18pm
 
So like... Okay something is fucking me up right now so I told my "best friend" (the one that I took to the hospital multiple times this week) that I only have like two packs of ramen in my house and she said tomorrow she will pick me up to go to the food bank and I was like "lol idk if I will last until then but sure I'll go to the food bank with you tomorrow"
Like I genuinely am grateful for her if she is going to take me tomorrow.

But the she was like "if you can find a ride over here you can have dinner with us tonight"

First off... She lives father than the food bank. It feels like 95 outside right now and it's only 1pm. She knows I don't have money to Uber to her. And she's not working because it's a Sunday.

So.. That's cool.

Like this isn't the help I need like I'm so frustrated about it like "sure I'll feed you but you have to have a heatstroke first and by the way Shelby thanks for tanking me to the hospital so many times this week and picking up all the shit off the floor from the puppy I just dumped on you while I was out swimming and having a good time."

I just said... "Okay I appriciate it thank you for the offer."

What I really wanted to say was:

"Fuck you AND Fuck off." but she's supposedly taking me to the food bank tomorrow. So I guess I won't.

Shelby 8/1/21 12:54pm
 
Okay... I found some meth in my pocket. Or what I presume was meth. It was white shard looking dull crystally somethings it could have been salt it could have been meth.

I'm feeling very empty ish but also very empowered (what a weird feeling combination) because I flushed them.

I'm glad God or the universe or whomever is in charge here started me off with something small because I know before long drugs are going to come knocking at my door and like I'm GOING to say no like I feel way to deep into this shit to NOT say no but it will still feel like a tremendous undertaking and my emptiness will be bigger but I suppose by those terms then my empowering feeling will grow too. I hope. I'm trying to do some inner child work with myself and I'm thinking of little Shelby like little Shelby didn't deserve anything he's been put through and he doesn't deserve anything that the drugs WILL put him through if I continue to use. I'm so glad I didn't do what was in my pocket because my luck would have it that it would be salt and then I would have already been on the relapse train to crazyville.

I think that's all I got for now...

No...

I told you my dad accepted my friend request on Facebook right?

I liked one of his pictures on Facebook of his dog I'm assuming and he liked one of my videos I reposted from someone's tik tok account (it was also of a dog)

I feel like maybe this is a good representation of mine and my dad's relationship is maybe he's waited for me to make a move first to keep the peace and I've waited on him to make a move first because I felt like he should be the fatherly grown up figure.

Idk...

Shelby 8/1/21 2:58pm
 
You know a lot of times writing these entries I feel in my soul very similarly to how an abscess feels when you drain it (a lot of which I've had in my day haha) like it fucking hurts like I can tell I've been prying into some unopened things that have just sat on the shelf for years, but like with the feeling of the abscesses, I can just feel like it's gonna get better. Like it hurts but I can feel all of the pus just oozing out of my soul.

My soul was really fucked up. And for a long time I think.

And maybe I'll get to where that dude is one day "oh all I do is bitch and moan when I journal" but I'm not there yet. Idk if I'll ever be there. Idk. But I do know right now it feels better to let some of this shit go. To have it on a surface where I can read it as it's popping into my mind. It's very meditative I'd say, as well.

Like... It's helping.
A lot.

Shelby 8/1/21 3:05pm
 
So like... I'm going to write because right now I'm all in my feels like I literally have 0 food like subconsciously I know I'm gonna be fine my "best friend" told me that she would take me to the food pantry tomorrow at 10am like I'm going to be ok but consciously like I'm a fuckin wreck right like I got it in my head that I'm gonna fuckin die right like I'm so stressed out that I took sleeping meds and my anti psychotics like 2 hours ago and I still can't sleep. I'm not even tired. Like this situation isn't that bad. Hell I could probably ask a friend to borrow $4 because I have a $25 coupon for Uber eats and that's cool except they still charge for tax which is $5 and I have $1 on PayPal so yeah ugh.

It sucks bro it's times like this when I wish I still talked to my mom. Like there's nobody to ask I don't have friends I have a flakey best friend (flakey at best)

I'm struggling so hard and it's just feeling like I might as well be high right like at least then I wouldn't be hungry like I could get dope faster easier and cheaper than I could get food how fucked up is that.

This sucks. I hate it. I feel so alone.

Shelby 8/1/21 9:20pm
 
So I'm really upset with myself I was carpet surfing where I thought I dropped some last time I got high...
:/

I don't want to get high please lord help me not get high I know subconsciously I got this shit in my head telling me I'm gonna get high again but I just want it gone what do I do.

Shelby 8/1/21 11:11pm
 
To be clear I didn't find any and I'm thankful like I sprayed carpet freshener over it multiple times but still in the back of my head I thought I was going to find some.

I need this madness to be done. It's time. No more searching. Please.

Shelby 8/1/21 11:13pm
 
Hey guys, how's it going?

So... Interesting update...

I got this from my dad today on messenger...



My addictions counselor friend told me how I felt about it....

I told her

"Well... I'm not saying that he's a bad dude like I really truly honestly see no ill intent here nor do I have any ill intent towards him.

I think right now I need to do three things though. 1: I need to examine my intentions

2: (this is going to be my healthy coping strategy of choice right now) I need to write about it

And 3: I need space and time to think about it. Which... This might be only long enough to write about it idk but it might be longer too.

I'll be back soon."

It's crazy to be honest I have no idea where to begin with this... So let's start with examining intent...

And because I really have no idea what that means... I'm gonna look up the definition of examine, the defition of intent, and then how to examine intent.

Examine: 1: inspect (someone or something) in detail to determine their nature or condition; investigate thoroughly.

2: test the knowledge or proficiency of (someone) by requiring them to answer questions or perform tasks.

Intent: intention or purpose

Thanks Google.

Let's define intention then.

Intention: a thing intended; an aim or plan.

Okay I feel dumb for having to even look those things up but a motherfucker need it real clear sometimes and today that motherfucker happens to be me haha.

OK smart-ass Google, how do you examine intention?

Okay... I found a website I think this is gonna be good. This is the website I'm pulling from:

wanderlust.com

A Guide to Finding Your Intention

We're often asked to set an intention at the beginning of a yoga class. What, exactly, does this mean?
wanderlust.com wanderlust.com

Here's the first thing that popped out at me:

*********"An intention is the legacy you leave when you find what is most important to you and start living in accordance with that value."*******


That's some heavy ass shit, like to me, at least. Like I had to pause and reread that multiple times.

Let me paste it again here we go


An intention is the legacy you leave when you find what is most important to you and start living in accordance with that value.

That one feels fucking good to even say honestly. I fucking LOVE that definition of intention.

Okay let's read on...

"Whether you are waking up and thinking about your day or settling into yoga class, take a moment to close your eyes and get grounded by determining your immediate focus. Intentions such as balance, gratitude, or forgiveness suggest a theme of self reflection and improvement."

I love this because it gives me the freedom to change my intent at any given point like I can wake up tomorrow morning and all of a sudden decide that I'm gonna have a shitty fucking day and guess what I'll probably have a shitty fucking day but on the flip side I can CHOOSE to have the intention (the legacy of THAT DAY) of having a good day and guess what? I'm probably gonna have a pretty fuckin good day. Like it's the best thing in the world that I can fucking CHOOSE the intent of the day like there might not be much I get to choose like I don't get to choose if there's food in my fridge right now I don't get to choose if I have cigarettes or not like those things are gonna come and go and maybe sure to SOME point I get to choose but ultimately it's out of my hands.

Like I fucking LOVE rainy chilly days like I'm gonna have a good fucking day when it's a little rainy and chilly BUT I don't get to choose that!

What I DO get to choose is my intent!

'ok it's not raining nor chilly (it's actually hot as fuck out recently) BUT..... BUT.... I can CHOOSE to have a good day anyway'

OK with all that being said I want to try to establish my intention for the rest of today (the legacy I want to leave behind when I'm looking at today, tomorrow, through the lens of what I feel tomorrow)

I have the intention of having a good day, sure, but more than that... I have the intention of opening my heart up, eventually sending my dad back a message, and finding balance in my soul (this looks like not getting angry at things that are out of my control) (this looks like not me putting myself in the way of things that might cause too much emotional distress) (things I can do to do this: watch schitts creek with my friend tonight, give myself space and time to think about what I want to say to my dad, and doing laundry)

I have the intention of self love (by doing the things that keep me emotionally stable that I don't HAVE to do but choose to do so anyway)
(this looks like not pressuring myself to message my dad back. This looks like continuing to be sober for today at least. This looks like me not feeling bad about myself if I choose not to do laundry. This looks like me not choosing to feel bad about myself if this is all I write on this post (even though I'm gonna keep writing anyways).

My intentions for today is also for improvement in ways that keep me sober. (this looks like writing my feelings down on here, this looks like setting healthy boundaries with other people who cross them (like my "best friend" and my neighbor who likes to talk about his gold digging girlfriend too often)

Okay so I listed multiple intentions and I got this little voice in my head saying "shelby you can only have one intention" but I'm going to kill off that voice for now because I really truly honestly believe you can have more than one intention for a day and so today I'm gonna have more than one intention. If I get so simplified in life that I can just have one intention then great I'll just have one intention but until then I'm gonna have multiple, changing intentions for each day.

OK let's read on...

"Establishing gratitude as an intention will help you concentrate on the people, work, and achievements you are grateful for and work toward your new goals while feeling at peace with your current situation."

Okay this is completely fair but I feel like I'm confused about short term gratitude vs long term gratitude.

So let's talk about short term gratitude.

Short term gratitude to me... Means being grateful in the moment... I'm grateful I'm alive I'm grateful that pain is temporary I'm grateful for the food pantry I'm grateful for my "best friend" taking me to the food pantry today. Like this to me is short term gratitude so I wonder if maybe long term gratitude is either

The INTENT to be grateful long term (over the span of a long time)

OR

Being grateful each day for a long time.

I would like to say it's the first one but I think the answer is both right like isn't intent followed by action?

Long term gratefulness is the INTENT of being grateful each day WITH THE ACTION of actually waking up and being grateful EACH DAY.

Y'all am I on fire or what I can just feel the holy spirit moving through my fingertips right now y'all OK LET'S READ

"As your search for meaning and purpose continues throughout your life, you can hope to stumble upon the revelation of what your life-long intention is, or you can set your own path that inspires you to live your best life. When you look back on your life, your life-long intention is what truly mattered to you. It could be community, balance, peace—anything you deem core to your life’s values. ***************If you desire to seek balance in every area of your life, striving to do so commits you to this intention."***********

Y'all... How fucking smart am I intention is followed by action.

SO

IF I seek to commit to courage... Which really truly is a life long intention of mine...

Then I have to wake up everyday with the INTENTION of courage followed by

You guessed it!

The action of courage!!!

Yall... I've already learned so much in this post I can't believe there's even more to read...

"You may stray from your life-long intention at times, but finding your way back will ensure you are in accordance with your own dreams and goals."

Okay so even this article realizes that you're not just going to have one intention in life.

Not only that but coming back to the original life intention means resetting yourself in accordance of your life goals.

I had life goals. All I'm doing in my immediate sobriety is just resetting them and continuing to follow them. And I'm allowed to do that as many times as I want as long as it acts in courageous ways.

Ok let's read:

"Demonstrate actions on a daily basis that commit you to your intentions and watch how the effects of these actions help you become more grounded and find purpose in your life."

Okay so what does this look like to me?

This looks like acting courageously (obviously)
This looks like doing scary things when I don't want to.
This looks like giving up drugs.
This looks like helping those who need it.
This looks like starving sometimes because you're waiting for your foodstamp money to hit your card.

Okay...
Okay.......

Okay....

So that was practice... Now what are my intentions with my dad?

Let's go ahead and post this and then I'm going to write another post dedicated to my intentions with my father...

Shelby 8/2/21 7:04pm
 
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