Yay another recovery diary

Okay so in my head this breaks down to three different statements. And if I keep asking why to each of the three statements then I'm hoping I get some kind of clue as to what my activating core content is.

So the three statements this breaks down (to me at least) is

I chase after meth
I chase after the fulfillment of sexual desire
And I chase after the desire to suppress my shame

The first one is a given so I chase after meth to full fill my sexual desire and to suppress my shame

So we're gonna come back to the first one later the chasing after meth

So let's work on the second one
I chase after the fulfillment of sexual desire.

Woof. I'm not even gonna lie like I think I straight up need a counselor to even tackle this one but I'm gonna try to tackle this a little bit.

Why do I chase after the fulfillment of sexual desire?
So I don't feel so alone.
Why do I feel so alone?

Why DO I feel so alone?
Because I never felt like I truly had anybody there for me when I needed someone to be there for me.
Why do I feel like I never had anybody there for me when I needed someone to be there for me?
Because I had to be there for other people when they needed me first.
Why do I feel like I had to be there for other people first?
I had to be there for other people first to get any worth for me?
Why do I choose to be there for other people to find my own worth?
Because I feel like other people will give me worth by being there......... (??? At this point I'm lost but I'm gonma keep going)
Why do I feel like other people will give me worth if I am there for them but not there for myself?
Because I don't innately have worth, but I want to find worth, and the only way I know how to find worth is by being there for other people.
Why don't I innately have worth?
Because I'm worthless.
Why do I feel worthless?
Because I don't believe I have worth.
Why don't I believe I have worth?
Because the worth I found growing up came from fixing my mom's problems.


I had to fix my mom's problems growing up to find worth, but my mom always had problems of some type: with her health, with money, with my brother, with her love life.

I don't know where to go from here so I'll pause here and rejoin it back to statement 1 and statement 3

I chase after meth to find worth and to suppress shame.

Okay let's work on statement 3
I chase after the suppression of shame

Why do I chase after the suppression of shame?
So I don't have to feel shame?
Why do I feel shame?

Well let's pause again... I'm not really sure what shame is per say... I better look it up...

Shame- a feeling of guilt, regret, or sadness that you have because you know you have done something wrong.

Why do I have a feeling of guilt or sadness that I have because I know I have done something wrong?

Shit.

I think this also breaks down into to statements.

Why do I feel guilt?
And
What have I done wrong?

Why do I feel guilt?
I feel guilt because I know that I'm not living a life to my full potential?
Why am I not living life to my full potential?
Because I'm stuck in the chains of addiction?
Why am I stuck in the chains of addiction?
Because I keep using drugs?
Why do I keep using drugs?
Because I can't stop.
Why can't I stop?
Because I'm addicted?
Why am I addicted?
Because I'm suppressing guilt? (.... Okay I'm lost again)

Okay let's move on to the other statement what have I done wrong?
I use drugs but other than that I just innately feel wrong about my existence.
Why do I feel wrong about my existence?
Because I don't have any worth and I see all these other people with worth.
Why do I not have worth?
Because I found the worth in other people.

Shit.

Maybe statement 2 and 3 are THE EXACT SAME FUCKIN THING

Maybe I case after sexual desire and I chase after the suppression of shame FOR THE SAME REASONS

That's fucked.

So let's combine statement 2 and 3

I chase after meth because I don't feel worth.

Fuck.

That's some deep shit.

Why does meth give me worth?
Why DOES meth give me worth?

Meth doesn't give me worth actually. Maybe it felt that way in the beginning but even from such a bigger picture I got to fix other people's problems like you know tweakers a bunch of broken ass bitches too haha I got worth because the drug made me feel like I had worth and because I could fix other people's problems.

What the ffuuuuuucccckkkkk.

And even more... No wonder I'm so goddamn stuck in my addiction I don't have any worth to fix my own problem.

Brooooooo.
 
So today was a pretty terrible day. I'm glad I did my why's though. I hope I continue to do those.

Today I remained clean I'm glad :)
I have an "old friend" that's supposed to swing by and even though she uses she's really smart about medical stuff and I told her straight up I'm trying to be sober so she knows at least. If she brings drugs around here then I'll know what kind of friend she is.

So... Here's why today was terrible... I went to go do my drug test and they required an ID. Well a few weeks ago someone stole my ID. and idk about y'alls state but Oklahoma is so backed up on Id's that I can't even get ANY ID, a driver's liscense OR a state issued ID until August 30th.

I don't know what I'm going to do. I don't have a car so I can't go back to Kansas to get a copy of my ID. I do have my birth certificate and social so that's good but I'm struggling I can't get a job or nothing till I have an ID and when you go and let the dmv know they just don't give a shit they are straight up rude to you and they're like "the only way you're gonna get in is by appt online"

So I'm thinking about going to inpatient rehab but 1: I really do not wanna leave my dog and 2: the rehab closest to me is shut down to covid right now...


Ughhh idk what I'm gonna do but now I'm stressed right now...

Shelby 7/13/21 8:36pm
 
slw0363 said:
Ughhh idk what I'm gonna do but now I'm stressed right now...
Click to expand...
Take deep breaths, there's nothing you can do about it tonight, so set it aside for now and get back to it tomorrow. If you think you should check into rehab you probably should. Just find someone you trust that can watch your dog and then take care of business. You'll feel much better in the long run if you get the treatment you need.
 
Shelby to remain clean after going through that thought-chain is truly admirable. You are more self-aware than most people in your situation. I hope you respect that about yourself <3
 
n3ophy7e said:
Shelby to remain clean after going through that thought-chain is truly admirable. You are more self-aware than most people in your situation. I hope you respect that about yourself <3
Click to expand...
Thank you. It's weird because it's always something I've realized about myself like I always knew that I felt worthless and I was sure that had something to do with my using but to connect those two things like I had no idea how closely they were related to eachother. Now don't get me wrong I'm sure a counselor could go through this more in depth with me about each why but I'm glad to have some answer.

I feel like I've been having these waves since I posted that like these waves of self realization like... Idk but I'm certain this is why most of us are in addiction... So maybe I'm realizing literally something everybody knows... But like... I'm thinking about how I feel about a pipe right now like I've been picking up the pipe and every time I picked up the pipe it was because I thought that I wasn't worth anymore than that.

Like I don't know if the correct answer here is to find my worth or just the realization or what I need to know now but like... I'm just feeling like there might be better ways to find my own worth that exists somewhere other than a glass pipe or in other people's problems.

Like I'm getting this weird distaste in my mouth atm for getting high like when I choose to get high I'm choosing to have no self worth like who the fuck would choose that for themselves?

I say that I want to do better and part of wanting to do better has to do with finding my own self worth and if my self worth doesn't exist in a pipe then I need to not choose the fuckin pipe.

Self worth is gonna be a new fucking thing for me I don't know that I've EVER known what feeling worthy is. Anybody ever been through finding their own worth? What was it like? Any tips/YouTube vids/bluelight threads/podcasts/anything?

I'm going to look up a definition of self worth real fast because it dawns on me that I don't even know the fuckin definition on what being worthy is...

Self worth-another term for self-esteem

Wow thanks Google that didn't help

Okay let's try self esteem.

Self-esteem- confidence in one's own worth or abilities; self-respect

I don't really think this helps me at all.

I still don't know what my worth is... Or my abilities for that matter. And do I respect myself? Fuck no I don't respect myself.

Is THIS what I've been looking for all along? Is THIS the answer to getting clean?

The thing that I'm furthest away from why couldn't it be Dr. Phill-ing some people's problems is the answer to sobriety or some shit right like I can tell anybody how to solve their own fuckin problems hahaha but NO it's the thing I know literally the least about self esteem?!

What the fuck is that even?! I've always known I've never had self esteem even as a small child I knew my mom would tell me I never had any self esteem and she never knew why, but I don't even know esteem is.

Let's look it up.

Esteem-respect and admiration, typically for a person.

Okay. I'm starting to get it. But now I have a question. Can you like... Esteem other people? Like I remember as a young boy I always wanted to be a meteorologist, and growing up I ALWAYS had to watch the 9pm news so I could watch the weather (okay, looking back it's becoming more and more clear to me I might have some form of aspergers lol) and so there was this meteorologist and I really had a high regard for this dude like if anybody else was on TV telling the weather I was dissapointed. I even got to meet this dude multiple times after getting sick in my childhood and writing him letters and drawing him pictures he personally invited me to the studio to watch him do the weather on TV.

So like... Did I have esteem for him or like did I esteem him? Can you only have esteem for yourself or is it for other people too?

Anyways... I'm glad to be making progress. I'm glad to be making progress :)

I'm not glad to be eating at 2:32 am like I've just eaten junk food and drank pop in the last like 4 hours and watched TV and listened to music and don't get me wrong like I've had a real fucking good time doing this but I'm fucking my sleep schedule up.

Tomorrow at 2pm I have an interview for another phone company within walking distance.

Idk if they're gonna ask for an ID or not. I hope not. I need a job. I don't WANT a job, but I need a job. :/

I'm stressed out about it and I know there's nothing I can do tonight but dammit I want control haha

Oh well... I guess I might as well have another bowl of buttered noodles and hotdogs and corn and a cigarette and a Dr. Pepper and watch some Jerry Springer so I can remind myself that my life isn't really all that bad and then go to sleep.

Idk if I'll write again tonight. Probably not so if I do don't be surprised but if I don't, then don't be surprised lol. I'll talk to you guys tomorrow.

Thank you for being there ❤️
Shelby 7/14/21 2:37am
 
Okay no I gotta write one more time so at the end of this episode of Jerry Springer there were these two girls who were in love with the same dude so they had a pillow fight like what the fuck I don't even get straight people I can't even tell like I'm pretty sure it was just for show like a joke like there's no man it's just two girls pillow fighting and making out but I don't even... What the fuck straight people. What the fuck American television WAIT. There IS A MAN. He came out on stage wow this is just classic American TV right here I just can't even with this shit this shit is just magic right here oh my fucking GOSH.

Ok I need to shut my brain down. Scroll some tik tok drink Dr pepper and go the hell to sleep.

Shelby 7/14/21 2:54am
 
Here it is 4:05am

I just had a rough thought... Really rough...

My last job I had with a certain cell phone company was fucking toxic as fuck so I'm not talking about this job. But I'm talking about a different phone company I worked for before then.

I'm thinking about asking for my job back.

I was let go for a couple reasons, but mostly not because of performance. Like I did REALLY fucking great at this job and then one day I just fucking lost it.

I left during lunch and I was the only one working and I didn't come back for the rest of the day.

I was getting high and I thought people were judging me so I didn't come back.

Obviously when I wasn't getting high I did really great at my job.

But like I said one day I just lost it. I didn't show up to work and I texted my boss that I was struggling with meth abuse and I was afraid of everything (okay this message was fucking historical, not in a funny way but in a "wow I could really have said a lot of this better" kinda way)

Here's what I said

"Okay so here it goes... So I really struggle to tell anyone this because 1: it's not fucking cool 2: there is a certain level of "well if he does this then he probably does this or this or that" and I'm not saying that I'm perfect I'm not even close but I already know that what I'm doing isn't cool I know it's killing me actually. That was one of the tests that the doctor ordered this morning was an echocardiogram because I think I'm actually starting to have heart problems because of this shit. But going back to what I was saying before I've never taken anybodys things I've never put myself in situations knowingly nor would I ever do anything to harm anybody else. I'm really truly not that type of person and I really feel like you believe me when I say that and I DAMN well know better than to take ANYTHING (a phone, money, customers information, a pen, it doesn't matter) from the store. I could be broker than the two gay boys from that mountain movie (and trust me I'm up there sometimes) and still I am not going to steal from the hand that feeds me. With that being said I know that there are other things to steal like time... A sense of security... The knowledge that I am putting myself in situations that will better me. Like I want that for my friends right like I want to know that when they ain't coming over for a doctor pepper and cigarette that they're out at a live Ted Talk learning how to better the world right like I want good shit for the people I love but I don't know how doing what I do to give that to them. Or you. Not that you expect that out of me but in a way yeah you expect that whatever I do outside of work hours isn't gonna like kill me or hurt me to the point that it's going to hurt my, yours, or [the phone company's] image. And it sucks because had it not been for the shit I could have been on fucking fire with my own store or something like that but I try to not think too much about the time I can't get back. So... This totally sucks especially because there are so many unknowns for me like am I gonna get fired by talking about it is [my boss] gonna hate me is she gonna show everybody and everybody is gonna judge me. But part of me thinks you know already because you've been around it before. And I fucking hate it for you I hate it for my friends I hate it for my dog I hate it for me like it's a terrible fucking thing but for the last 8 years or so I was super fucking addiction to meth. And the scary part of this is I'm telling you this because I don't want to lose my job like I'm hoping somewhere in here I can go to rehab again but what if I go back and nothing changes like what if I'm the same dude on the other side that doesn't know how to stop getting high? That shit fucking sucks I watched a couple of my friends bury themselves over this shit and here I am going through the same shit they did and I don't know how to stop. If I did I would have stopped a long time ago before it got so bad that when I get stressed out I literally feel my heart hurt. Like who knew at 26 years old you could literally feel your heart muscle strain?
I'm sorry about yesterday and the day before that and as I'm typing this I'm kinda glad you chose texting over meeting up in real life but this shit sucks. And I get so mad at myself because it literally is like "shelby all you have to do is nothing like it can't be that hard to do buddy" but then I'll be the same motherfucker that finds a loophole in the system somewhere where I can go get high. Another frusterating thing is what if I tell you and then I go get high? Like I've tried so hard to just repress this shit as hard as I can so nobody will notice like this is the part of me that I fucking HATE but this is also the part of me that is killing me and I didn't want to talk about it I never want to talk about it but if it's come to the point where I'm just not showing up to work and I'm about to lose my job then I need to talk about it. I don't want to lose my job I love my job I am a fucking good salesman like most days it just feels like I show up and talk to a bunch of friends and then go home like I don't even know how I get paid so much for that but I also understand the aspect that you can't just have someone as a wildcard like will they show up to work will they not will they be so high that a customer will notice will they vaccuum I get it. But with that being said I will be okay with whatever happens like I get it and I will be okay like shit I still have yet to work for [phone company] OR {toxic phone company that I just got fired from} 😂 jkjkjkjk I hope I never have to work for [phone company] they're shit lololol but seriously I need you to know that I'm not here to fuck anybodys shit up I really am here to do a good job. I would have never in a million years chose this path if I had to choose again but here we are and I'm just trying to make the most out of it while I still got time.

I really am about to press the send button right now what the fuck am I doing ok... Not even rereading what I typed hope it all came out good the first time here we go... And send......... Send..... Now send... OK... I gotta press the button. Nope. Okay 3... 2... 1...."

Then I sent (because there was no response)

"Another thing to be clear. I'm telling you this because I know I could lie like I could lie my ass off to protect my job to whatever but I'm feeling like if I say the truth then maybe I won't have to die over it like it's just drugs it's not worth dying over it's not worth stealing over its not worth getting fired over but I'm still in trouble like I'm still on these paths if I don't face it. Like yes I'm scared like I've been to outpatient and I've been through inpatient once but here I am still and I'm scared I'll be doing this again but I know that it can get a lot scarier by never talking about it. It sucks. For everybody involved but I can at least try to do the right things along the way at least then I can say I tried right? Trying is fucking hard having courage is fucking hard that's why I got that tattoo of {courage the cowardly dog} because it's a reminder. Whatever I have to do: find a new job, go to rehab, go to sleep, whatever it is I do just will have to do it but I can't lose the courage to be better or the hope that things will get better. But I gotta get the will like idk if I got that right now like I gotta get some "grab life by the balls and take control" shit that you've been demonstrating recently like I gotta find THAT. Idk where it is but I hope I find it soon."

So the next day I walked in, the district manager was waiting for me, and she told me" Shelby... Go get help"

She didn't say if I would be rehireable, she didn't tell me any terms or conditions, she just told me to go get help, she gave me a hug, and I left.

I didn't try for unemployment I didn't get back at them... Nothing.

So here is what I'm thinking...

I'm thinking about writing the district boss a Facebook message.

I'm thinking about saying something like:

"hi. I know you thought you'd seen the last of me haha. But I'm here to ask kindly if I could be rehireable."
(anybody that reads this might help me with wording maybe please and thank you)

And I would like to give them my terms and conditions:

-random drug tests whenever they say
-I will complete inpatient drug rehab and give them proof of completion
-I will do continuing outpatient drug rehab
-I will go to meetings and do meeting verification
-I will take a pay cut to where I was before
-I will let them know if I relapse


Maybe my brain is just healing itself still
... Idk...

But I really liked this job. I really liked my bosses like it could have been better yes but I saw potential in myself at that job and I let getting high in the way.


What do you guys think?

I gotta get going to sleep. I have an interview with a satellite company at 10am and another interview with another phone company at 2pm.
Shelby 7/14/21 4:27am
 
@slw0363 honestly man I think it is a good idea, but perhaps not just yet. I feel like you need a bit more sobriety under your belt first, and a bit more stability. THEN for sure send her a message asking for your job back!
 
Well... I better write. I've been feeling like I need to write for the past couple hours so let's get it out of my system.

I haven't used today :)

Today wasn't a bad day at all. I had an interview for another cell phone company. It's a prepaid company this time and I'm not really looking forward to it because all along I've been conditioned to dislike prepaid for whatever reason. Maybe one day I'll tell you about it but just know the reasons I know are strong enough to make it to where I'm not looking forward to it, but right now a job is a job.

I visited with the next door neighbor and made him some hamburgers. He told me all about how he loves his girl, but hasn't heard from her in the last 3 days... Fuckin golddigger. The dude doesn't even have toilet paper like I had to give him toilet paper because he doesn't even get paid till next week. I feel so bad for him.

My neighbor on the other side is like "Shelby... He knows what he's getting into he's old enough." like I just try to remember that, but maybe there's some jealousy too like how bad wouldn't I like $300 like my TV is gonna get shut off, I could pay off some rent, my dog is out of food like I've been straight up giving him human food just to get by.

Ugh... Life is crazy sometimes. So badly do I wish for a friend my age who isn't crazy or on drugs. So badly do I wish for a job that I could get along with everybody and I liked. So badly do I wish for me not to go off the deep end every time something good happens. So badly do I wish I had more sobriety. So badly do I even wish for a boyfriend.

Ive never had a boyfriend before like... Not in real life, at least. I've had dudes that I REALLY liked, but none that liked me back. I've always wondered what that was like to just... Be with someone that loved you back.

I try tinder but tinder is almost as bad as grindr and you go to grindr to get drugs.

And my neighbor next door I like hanging out with him to have someone to hang out with but also he's super old and cranky all the time and racist af and only likes to talk about this gold digging bitch.

It gets old. I want someone to hang around my age who shares similar problems because they're in my age range, not someone older who shares similar problems because they can't accept their own age.

Oh well... I'm grateful because he feeds my face and let's me roll cigarettes there and he takes my mind off my own problems.

Things could be so so so much worse. That's for sure.

I don't know what else to add here...

I've been working on courses from coursera and omg they have so many good courses on there. I'm thinking about changing my career path from selling phones to user design and working for some cool ass company like Google or something, but so far I'm enrolled in like 40 courses and I have like 1 (which is actually kind of a cool class, it's human psychology and modern Buddhism) class half done and that's it.

But my adhd brain can hardly handle this learning app that's for sure I just keep finding shit I think I might be interested in instead of a actually doing the courses haha.

Oddly enough I found out about coursera from some tweaker lady who randomly stopped into one of the phone stores I was working in she was like "yeah fuck this place dude I'd be getting on coursera and learning IT shit and then in 6 months I'd say 'bye bitches' and then peace on out of here to Los Angeles to go work for Google" and I was like THAT SOUNDS SO FUCKING COOL I WANNA GO RIGHT NOW

Maybe that's all I wanna do though is go to Los Angeles idk. I heard it's expensive there.

I think Tulsa is expensive though so idk maybe I could just take notes from my neighbors girl and be a gold digger and just hop place to place.

Jkjkjkjk
I can't do that. I got a dog who relies on me.

I need to be a normal stable adult for him.

I stink though that's for a sure. I need a fuckin shower.
Im starting to gross my own self out 😂


Shelby 7/14/21 11:08pm
 
So like... I have bpd right like idk how common it is for a drug abusor to have bpd but like... I think I have it at least. I mean... There for a minute I thought I had everything right like I thought I had cancer I thought I was autistic (like I still think I am sometimes) I think I have ADHD and more recently I think I have BPD as well.

Anyway... There's this dude and he is maybe like... Idk anybody better that can speak to me in a way I understand more than this dude on YouTube who talks about bpd "Dr. Fox" if you have bpd or are just curious I strongly reccomend watching some of his videos like I've had counselors see through me and I've had counselors talk to me in a way I understood but never both at the same time before... I really feel heard with this dude. I think it would be cool as hell to give this dude a visit one day.

Anyways he's got this workbook right and maybe one day I can get enough money to order the actual workbook but he also has a website with a lot of his worksheets on there too and so I'm going to be working through some of the worksheets on here. Some of it might be personal but like for the longest time I thought I was some type of anomaly right like I knew something was wrong with me mentally but I couldn't figure it out like in fact one of the first Google searches I did on bpd came back with the result that people with bpd have a median life expectancy of like 27 years old (which is how old I'll be this year WTF I better get to working haha) so I always ignored the possibility that I could have bpd.

Well it turns out that bpd is something you can manage and work through like 27 is when bpd is left untreated so I'm going to do my workbook, I'm gonna post questions and answers here so y'all can answer along too, and yeah hopefully things get a little better.

The website I'm going to use is

Worksheets – Drd Fox

www.drdfox.com www.drdfox.com

Shelby 7/15/21 5:30am
 
To answer your question Shelby, the symptoms of addiction and borderline personality disorder are almost identical, and indeed, many people who suffer with BPD have concurrent addictions as well.
 
OH NO I need to post otherwise I'll forget. It's crazy how many times each day I'm like "shelby you better write something, Shelby, you better write, Shelby write now" but then I push it off five minutes and anyways here we are 20 minutes till midnight and I have nothing to show for it.

I'm very upset with myself, because today I was supposed to go to a new psychiatrist but I thought the appointment was tomorrow so not only did I miss it but I didn't even wake up in time to know that I missed it and I also didn't call them either to let them know that I wasn't going to make it.

Oh well. I'm going to try to call them tomorrow.

I've really also been thinking about inpatient rehab like a lot.

Tomorrow I have a counseling appt I've gotta take the bus for. If it were by car I'd make it in 20 minutes tops but it's gonna take me almost 2 hours by bus. Ugh.

I didn't use today :)

I saw a video scrolling tik tok today and it was like "this video is untagged and I just wanted to let you know the changes you're making in your life are working"

And idk if it's like a sign from God or what it is, but sometimes I just have to cry about it and let me say that one really got me.

I visited with my neighbor friend. He's very... Well... He's a 'Nam vet, and so he's a racist homophobic fuck but I like still don't want him to die lonely like nobody DESERVES to die lonely so I still try to spend time with him. I often get concerned though because where is the line in which *I* am engaging in these very racist behaviors like when he talks about black people in slurs like I just change the topic, I never EVER talk about black people like that because it's coming from a place of misunderstanding and hate and sheer stupidity. But does that mean he should spend his final days alone and decrepid, letting some gold digging ass ho take advantage and break his heart?

Idk... But today he told me that his girlfriend called me gay which I don't really give a fuck what that gold digging ass ho has to say about me but it's hilarious because the next words out of his mouth are "shelby I know you're not gay because you don't act gay"

Ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm...

I don't know like... First off idk how to handle this situation at all but also like what does he want me to do like what is being gay to him like should I get in drag now orrrr?

I've never done drag btw 😂😂😂

I think about doing it a lot. I also think about doing those work sheets from Dr. Fox's videos a lot too.

Today wasn't a bad day. Just an interesting day. My sleeping schedule is so fucked up since not having a job.

Thank God for my interview on Monday.

I pray I continue to follow the universe and listen to the guidance when I need it.

Shelby 7/15/21 11:51pm
 
Something is really fucking me up right now in a good way.

Like... I wouldn't recognize that I have no self worth if I didn't have any worth.

Let me rephrase.

If I knew, without a matter of a doubt, that my life didn't matter, I wouldn't be worried about trying to make my life better...

Like there's somewhere SOMETHING inside of me that knows or hopes that I have some kind of worth. Like I don't know if it knows for sure, unconsciously, or if it just hopes so hard or maybe both, but if I actually had no worth then I wouldn't care like I look at other people who are trying to better themselves right like... I respect the hell out of them (like I said in a previous post) like... Why can't I respect the hell outta me too?

Idk bro I'm having another epiphany about it I think haha.

Something still feels disconnected though like I don't know what the definition of my own self worth means or is but I'm slowly starting to feel like I have a little bit.

Again. My self worth does NOT lie in a pipe. The pipe takes away my self worth. The pipe gives me fake self worth. The pipe was a lie to myself this whole time that I had no worth when in reality I had so much fucking worth and I just didn't see it.

My heart fills like it is filling with love. ♥️

Shelby 7/16/21 2:44am
 
Let me write. I'm really feeling a need to write right now.

First off I try to write every night before midnight. Last night I didn't write because I woke my ass up early (for me at least, the night before I was up till 5:30am watching some trucker lady as she went down the road. I fucking love drive along videos, it kinda gives me the inkling that I should do something that involves travel) at 10:00am to get on the bus for my Dr's appt. It takes what would normally be a 20 minute drive and turns it into an hour and a half commute. But part of me thinks that I should maybe get a job in Tulsa with how easily the bus system is coming to me. I would obviously have to wake up an hour to 3 hours earlier than my shift, and I would have to call in if the bus was down or late, but it would open me up to a lot more jobs with only a 20 minute walk to get to the bus.

But yesterday I probably walked a solid 2 miles in the hot sun so by the time I got home at about 5pm I was super fucking tired and I just wanted to sleep. But my session with my new counselor was amazing I fucking love this new girl I think I'm gonna get along with her super well. Like one of the things she told me "I would never recommend a tool for one of my clients if I would never use it"

And then she spent time telling me all about her life and I got to spend time learning about her too. This tactic of therapy where you can have a more personal relationship with your counselor is so much better to me than what I've had with my last few therapists. Like my last few therapists have been so... Idk... Very impersonal. So anyways I think I will like her. My next appointment is next Friday at 2pm (mostly just writing this down now so I can forget about it but I'll remember I wrote it down here haha)

So my older vet neighbor kinda pissed me off today. He's been constantly like "shelby I ain't gonna give her no money she ain't getting a dime from me anymore" well today she asked him for $500 and of course he didn't have it because last month he gave her $2,100. He maybe has like $5 to his name, which no judgments, I don't even have a job and my bank account sits at -$90 so...

Anyways he showed me the texts between him and her and he flat out told her that he gets paid next week after telling me that he's not even gonna tell her when he gets paid because he doesn't want her bothering him.

Its not that I'm frustrated about that persay. But it's that I have to cut him off now. Like I gave him a whole loaf of bread and a whole pack of cheese out of MY foodstamp money because he didn't have any because he gave her all his money.

And I can't even help him now if he's out of bread. And I'm so sad about that. Like... I feel so bad for him honestly.

But see I would say that that in itself is some kind of addiction too. Like... There's the addiction to women and addiction to spending all your money and the addiction of getting taken advantage of.

I been through it. I get it. Not the women part but I sure was addicted to Kyle with the fat cock down the street. But now.... Fuck Kyle. I learned my lesson and now he's just gonna have to learn his lesson like I learned mine and I will try to be there for him the best that I can be there for him but it won't be to give him things. Like I don't have bread now because I felt like he should have bread in his home and I bought two loaves of bread when I made my order and one was gonna go bad, so I gave him a loaf. But no more. I just can't. Because he's setting himself up to do the same thing he did just a few short weeks ago.

Plus then there's the aspect right of like he is straight up lying to me about her what is he lying ABOUT me to her or to my other neighbors or?

Like... No... I'm trying to get away from the bullshit in my life not go towards it.

You know in hindsight this is good drama though like I'd so much rather have THIS drama (even though it IS stupid) than the drama of me getting high, picking at my face for hours, freaking out because I'm afraid someone is gonna break into my house... SO MUCH BETTER.

I didn't get high today :)

But I am slowly starting to have cravings now. I'm going to have to remember no matter how strong or how long lasting the craving is that when I use a pipe I'm diminishing my worth, that I do NOT find worth in the pipe, the pipe is lying to me about my worth, and that I will feel so much more worthless after I hit the pipe, the needle, whatever.

And when I have a craving I need to remember to be present. I can't live in the past and the future isn't here yet all I can do is be. Forget about the past because the past didn't technically happen. That seems to be a good tool for me to use right now.

I'm feeling really lucky right now because for the longest time my addiction felt so evil and twisted like I was never going to have tools to cope but JUST NOW (and honestly I think writing is maybe one of the biggest ones) I'm starting to find tools that are above the twistedness that was my addiction.

Thank GOD.

Let's see... What else can I say about today?

Today was a pretty good day. I went into town with the old man before I saw the texts and he showed me what kind of house him and his gold digger wants.

They're cute houses. More than I could ever afford.

Ummm... What else can I say...

Idk I just really want out of my addiction. Like I really want more tools and I really want more recovery like.... I really want to do this like... For real.

Man that makes me wanna cry actually for the longest time I wished to wish for recovery but I'm slowly learning.

And not only that, I know I could go back to that want to want recovery thing and all it takes is getting high once. One time and I will be back in my active addiction, I'll stop weighting, I'll stop communicating. And I just don't want to be like that anymore so idk what I need to do but I want to do it. Now is the time.

Shelby 7/17/21 10:18pm
 
So like I'm an atheist right like nonono I would only describe myself as an atheist to a stranger because if they knew that I was agnostic and questioning (emphasis on the questioning part) all the bible thumpers (and I do live in Oklahoma after all the second most popular thing here to meth is Jesus) would IMMEDIATELY come out of the woodworks to tell me about how good Jesus is well the twist here is that I don't want to know about how good Jesus is or how good heaven is or even that if I don't follow his word that I'll go to hell MOTHERFUCKER HELL DOESN'T EXIST hell is here on earth.

Hell is here on earth and you can create your own hell and furthermore you subjecting me to hell when I don't give a fuck about what you think hell is or not isn't going to make me believe in your God it's just not like I straight up believe getting someone to believe something through fear is trauma not religion.

I wanna hear about how your religion has made you a better person. I wanna hear about how it made you kinder to each person you met I wanna hear about how it made you stop lying behind people's backs and made you stop talking shit. Like if anybody comes up to me and leads with THAT as what their religion is, I'll hop aboard that ship so fucking fast like those people that are looking to be kinder and more loving like THAT is the religion I'm looking for. I don't wanna get saved like princess goddamn peach in a castle I can do my own saving thank you.

I'm not mad at God at all actually it's just highly scientifically improbable that God exist.

Which has definitely thrown me into an existential crisis at multiple points in my life right like I so badly WANT to believe heaven exists or even that we get reencarnated. But that's just... So... Improbable. And I'm sorry like I wish I was ignorant enough to have so much fear that I couldn't deal with my own death but... And maybe this is the answer to my existential crisis, but I'm not fucking afraid of dying and going to hell.

Like if anything I'm more afraid of the idea that when I die I'll go to heaven where everything is just perfect forever.

Like my soul fucking THRIVES on imperfection like I was the dude that found worth on other people's problems like problems and the human condition light a fucking fire in my soul like all of our little imperfections and the things that are not "bibly correct" SO make me LIVE and I fucking LOVE being alive like if the world was perfect or heaven was perfect I wouldn't in the rest of eternity want to go there everything would be perfect and I don't live for perfectionism I live for working on goals and being better tomorrow than I was today. Perfection sounds fucking terrible to me.

Anyways... Getting off my high horse here haha.

I would like to define myself as spiritual right like I so badly want to be the hippie dude that's like "listen to the trees, they have the answer" but like how much of that bullshit these days is also religion right like we now believe in high and low frequencies and if you're on a bad path then you are having low vibrations and AGAIN I feel myself having to translate certain aspects of modern spirituality into languages that I can, as an atheist, believe in, and I just so feel like I shouldn't have to do that.

Well there is like a few things that I just go with the definition that I'm told because it sounds nice like it almost takes too much effort to explain what it really means and sure maybe one day it will dawn on me or I'll sit down and figure it out but we're not there yet. I'll get there when I do on my own time.

So one of those things to me is angel numbers. Random, I know. But everytime I see 444 or 11:11 or any series of repeating or non repeating numbers I'm like "oh shit" like of course I'm sure it's nothing more than just random generated numbers at a randomly generated time, but sometimes they still catch me off gaurd. Like there's a lot on tik tok and straight up it's hard to call that shit random but we'll pretend to label it as random for the time being just for this post... So tonight I saw (I think I can't remember now) 222 and 444 and I just... Well...

Here's what I got from it ok it's the universe reminding me of duality. And this is the second thing that I can't explain but enjoy the spiritual definition of because there's so much duality in my life right now right like if I get high I'm on the other side of duality like I'm the complete opposite person of the dude I am when I'm not high. I can be up and I can be down. Even when I'm sober but it's definitely exacerbated when I'm high.. And when I see two numbers like 222 and 444 it's just a reminder from the universe that there's the opposite of me out there. Like there's a down that exist, too.

And I don't know if it's the universe trying to tell me to be more grateful (which I should be anyways) or if it's the universe trying to tell me not to go back to that or probably what it is is my fucked up addict brain trying to remind me in a real fucked up way that I could be high, but I'm listening ok? I'm here and I'm listening and I'm trying to be better and if I wasn't good enough I'm going to try harder as long as I am allowed that chance.

I'm grateful to not be high I want to continue not being high I want to continue writing I'm grateful to be able to post this now I really am blessed, God or not.

Shelby 7/18/21 1:42am
 
Hey.

Here in about 8 hours I have an interview and I'm still awake. I did some housework and I should have tried to stay awake. My sleeping schedule and my eating schedule is so out of whack right now like I be eating y'all to the point that I've eaten like 80% of all the money that was on my foodstamps card. Like I spent all my money but I've eaten like 80% of everything I've had I mean.

And I don't even get refilled till the 10th, idk what I'm gonna do. I guess just hope and pray that the universe has me in it's best interest and I'll find food somehow when I run out. I mean.. I always have so maybe I need to be grateful that I've been fortunate this far.

I had 2 baked potatoes and a bowl of ramen like I'm not hungry but I get hungry all the time like the struggle is real.

Oh well. I hope I get this job tomorrow like I'm not super excited about it, but it is a full time job so they pay could be worse.

I didn't get high :)

Still thinking about inpatient though, or definitely intensive outpatient.

I made a new neighbor friend she's younger than me and she's also on the autism scale I came out to her because she was hella hitting on me and it's so funny out girls are to gay guys because then they're like "oh hunney I knew this whole time" UH HUH OK

😂

I'm almost out of stuff for rolling my own cigarettes too and I didn't talk to the old vet neighbor yesterday. I just need some space from him so idk what I'm going to do.

This rehab that I'm thinking about going to is a non smoking rehab so maybe it's time.

Plus I don't want to have to fake a friendship just to get more cigarette rolling tobacco from the old man like I just don't. That would make me no better than his gold digger girlfriend.

Sigh.

This is good drama though. This is better drama that drug drama that's for sure.

I had a few cravings today I've just been focusing on being present in the moment and stop letting the past or the future get to me because I can't control either of them.

Oh well... Here's to getting that job in a few hours.

I'll let you guys know how it goes ❤️

Shelby 7/19/21 3:17am
 
So I did my job interview.

They asked me like a thousand and ten generic questions "what would your friends say about you" "why do you want to work for this company" like... I think I did pretty well... At least well for how I would have done a couple years ago or even a year ago. At least I've done some work to figure out who I am.

It's not the place I WANT to work, but it's a full time job and it gives me time to work on my sobriety and time to save up for a car.

And if I don't get it then maybe it's God telling me it's time for inpatient rehab.

Idk.

They told me they would have their decision for me by the end of the day or early tomorrow.

I'll write here in awhile.

Shelby 7/19/21 2:02pm
 
So like... It's coming to my attention that I might have been emotionally neglected somehow in my childhood. Like... I'm writing this on here though not because I actually feel emotionally neglected because I most certainly didn't, but if by chance that I WAS emotionally neglected... I need to get it out somehow. And I'm pretty sure this is one of those things that I should be working through with a therapist, but getting in writing is definitely a first for me.

Sure, my step dad was a jerk and treated me differently than his actual kids and my mom and my step dad got a divorce in 5th grade and then after then my mom never got remarried nor did she even really date. She made her kids a priority and then in 6th grade my step brother moved to his dads because he always enticed him with money. According to my mom it's because he didn't want to pay child support and I get it like when you're in 3rd grade and you have a parent that's struggling to make ends meet and then you have another parent telling you that he will buy you all these things if you live with him, I would probably want to live with that parent too.

But it really took an emotional toll on my mom with my brother being gone. Like she always hoped that he would come back to her with the knowledge that his dad was a dick and only had money but she had all the love in the world for him.

She had this hope so strong that I could never tell her that there was a chance that he spent enough of his childhood in his dad's care (and his dad talked smack about my mom so much like one time I remember being on an elevator with my step dad and brother and mom and my dad saw the elevator weight limit and he made some comment to me... A 4th grader... About my mom's weight and that being on the elevator with my mom was going to break the elevator according to the weight capacity of the elevator) that he might not come back...

I always faked the hope with her "sure he will come back this is what happens is he will see how much you tried as a parent and he will see what his dad is, you can't deny how much love you gave to him, he will see, just wait, he will see"

Well since then my brother has off and on talked to my mom and they've had the weirdest conversations...

One time I remember my brother asking his mom if he could come over and rub her feet, telling her that he had developed a foot fetish. (he was 18 at this time of this conversation)

Another time my mom had a conversation with my mom and he asked for money and she didn't have money so he told her to "fuck off" and that she was "a drug whore" like this girl, besides for weed, has never done drugs in her entire life.

But still, she hung on hope.

Idk what any of that has to do with my own childhood emotional neglect but there's that.

I never felt neglected in my childhood. I never really knew my real dad but I was cool with that. I guess he was some bullrider at some point idk. He owned a chicken farm or something. He looked a little bit like garth brooks I guess.

Thats about all I knew of my father. Which I was cool with honestly like I knew from a very young age that I bonded better with females than males so it never bothered me not having a dad because I doubt I would have even really gotten along with him that well like the very few times I've interacted with my real dad he was kind but I'm a gay city slicker who was into music and he was a chicken farmer from the middle of nowhere.

I still have yet to see the emotional neglect.

Well...

I wish that I saved the tik tok video but it's not really just one it's been multiple tik tok videos that have given me some insight. It's been like one of those "you have all the symptoms of childhood neglect" kind of thing but like I'm really struggling to see where my emotional neglect comes from like I just remember my mom really being there for me like she was a good fucking mom like no she wasn't perfect and I'm slowly learning to accept that even though I felt like I got all the love that I needed, I may have not ACTUALLY got it in the right way that my soul needed, you know? And that's not her fault that's nobody's fault it just wasn't the way that I needed.

And now it's my job now to give my soul the love that I should have gotten as a child. Whatever love that might be.

Ugh... It's times like right now that I see that I still have a lot of work to do... It feels like a fucking big ass mountain sometimes.

Im not high though.

Still haven't heard from my job interview people I guess I will be hearing from them tomorrow.

Shelby 7/19/21 6:12pm
 
This video hit so fucking hard tonight starting with #1 (it's 2:11am) and literally every single one and today after writing and seeing this video I'm feeling kind of discouraged because it's starting to feel a little bit like mountain and I'm feeling kinda bad like I'm asking the universe for change and the universe is like "this is what you need to do" but then I'm like "AAAHHHHhhhHhhHhhH" and like I still want change but also all the work for change feels hard and kinda scary honestly and sometimes even like I'll never be able to find the willpower inside of me to be able to make these changes you know? Like I get scared but also like sometimes I have a lot of courage and sometimes I'm both scared 100% and courageous 100% like I don't want the universe to feel like I'm not asking for change because I definitely am like I don't want to wine about it so idk why I am really but shit... I'm scared you know. If I just knew I could do this I wouldn't have to write any of this like I would just fucking do it but sometimes I have the doubt that I can't do it and I'm not sure where to get the direction or courage or anything like I literally don't know how to move forward but then I do. I always do. And maybe that's the lesson here is that I can do it because I always have before, idk, but the doubt fucking sucks the feeling like the work is gonna take a long time or that I'm never gonna get there or that it's gonna be more than I can handle sucks... Umph.

Idk why but I could only type this out in this message box like I tried to write about it in my normal place I write (which I'm also going to copy and paste it there too) and I got half way through typing this and I was like "oh this would be a good place to type this in my recovery diary instead" but I cut/pasted it and lost my full train of direction so idk if it's the universe telling me that you need to hear it or if it's the adhd version of walking through a door and forgetting why you went in that room but I'm gonna send it anyways.

You asked if I'm writing down what I feel in my recovery diary.

Well there's an example of something I would put in my recovery diary.

Shelby 7/20/21 2:22am

 
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