Okay let me write before the feeling leaves.
So I took my nap, had a Dr. Pepper, and a cigarette and I feel much better. I mean. I say a nap but it was pretty much a full sleep haha like I went to sleep at 1pm-ish and woke up at like 7ish haha. I sat and visited with the next door neighbor and apologized for not going to church with him on Sunday. He told me all about his girl and I so get annoyed. He spent so much on her and now the place he got his car from is going to turn his car off because he couldn't afford to make his car payment while I'm over here on my last roll of toilet paper. I think he's out of toilet paper too. I just so wanna knock some sense into him like boy she is 50 years younger than you and has an active drug problem she doesn't care about you. But who's to say the drug problem is where I draw the line because I have a drug problem too so maybe I'm no better.
In a way I feel bad because he let's me use his tobacco to roll cigarettes otherwise I wouldn't have cigarettes. Maybe she really feels like she isn't taking advantage, either. I most certainly didn't in all of my phases of active addiction where I was borrowing cars, I was living in people's houses, I was eating peoples food. I never felt like my heart was in the wrong place in fact my heart WASN'T in the wrong place per say like I never wished ill will among anybody, I was always the voodoo toy for other people's ill will it felt like like I never stole. But who's to say that the only thing to steal is things? Hell you can steal people's time. You can steal their energy. You can steal their sense of security that you're gonna be ok. How bad did I fuck up people's sense of security that I was going to be ok? Countless, I'd say. I had a concert at Carnegie hall in New York City, back when I used to play trumpet like someone PAID for my ass to go to New York, have a concert, and not only that, but on top of that but they paid for my flight, my hotel, my food, and gave me $2,000 on top of that to just have a good time... This was about a year before my addiction. All those people that donated for me to go... They trusted that I would go and make something of my music career, but here I am dealing with a drug addiction instead.
I think a lot about picking music up again. I used to be really good at it like NATURALLY good at it. Even through college I never had to actually put any effort into it all I had to do was show up, but I never did. It will be interesting to go through either by stepwork or otherwise, and figure out why I never showed up when that's literally all I had to do.
And then when things got serious I transferred colleges. And then transferred again and again. I transferred colleges every year I went to college, I never liked where I was, I always found another, better place that I liked and I always found something I didn't like about the place I was.
In childhood I never once transferred schools. Well... Once, but I had the choice of going to a high school that was 30 miles away or a mile away and of course that was the choice between waking up at 6:30am for school and 7:30am and of course I was going to choose the latter. Not only that but the closer school had a better music program and back then that's what I was really following.
I miss music. Idk what I would do with it anymore. I owe the last school I went to about $2,000 so I can't even go to another school until I get that paid. If I was good at goals that would be a good goal, but I can't even keep a job.
Isnt it funny how counselors are they're like "well it would be a good goal to save that money and go back to school" but do they EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY MICROGOALS ARE INVOLVED IN THAT like 6,000 and about 2,000 of those goals involve me doing something I have no idea how to do!
It's like... Shock. Like all I say is "yeah that would be a good goal." because it would be but I don't even know the first thing about saving up like my bank account balance is currently -$90 and then how do you even keep a job then how do you pay bills like where did these counselors go to that they just willy nilly think that people know how to save up $2,000 if I knew how to do that lol.... So much of my life would be better.
I don't even know if I could have that much amount of money without being triggered into my addiction like straight up having large chunks of money by myself will pull me back into addiction so fast "oh I can spend a little bit on getting high it'll be cool" but then like I'll want a little more then a little more and before I know it everything I had is gone.
Idk. I just... Idk what I want out of life anymore.
What if I end up staying a depressed piece of shit with a drug problem for the rest of my life? I hope not but I'm like stunned at how much I am and how much at the exact same time I'm not interested in in this life.
Idk what I'm gonna do but I'm glad to be getting all this off my chest. In the few days that I've been writing I've definitely noticed my conversations with my friends have been much less chaotic like a few months ago when a friend would ask how I was I'd respond with something like "I'M GONNA BE HOMELESS AND I'M SCARED AND WHAT DO I DO WITH BUTCHY AND I'M SO SCARED ALL THE TIME"
But writing everything out has allowed me to think some thing out and ponder over some feelings I've been having for awhile and I'm grateful for that. My conversations within the past couple weeks have been much more intelligible, and I would imagine a lot easier to comprehend for my friends and furthermore way easier for my friends to deal with emotionally.
Idk if I'm gonna write again tonight. Maybe. I'm feeling tired again so I might sleep soon. I made some butter noodles with boiled hot dogs and corn and my inner child tonight is so giddy again. It really was some good shit. If anybody is hungry, come on over. I made a big pot of it
Shelby 7/12/21 11:07pm
