xans

the first time i tried xanax, i got 10 bars for a friend. i took one the first night, just to see what it was like. the next night i took the other 9 all together. i was going to drink blueberry stoli but i fell asleep before i could really drink any. i was not big on drinking at the time. i wanted to die. i think i did, anyway. i ended up blacking out for a day and a half. thankfully, i don't drive. during that time, i have foggy memories of walking to meet the friend (the one i got the xanax for) for coffee, even though i took them all. i remember him saying nervously, maybe we should go some other time. and me saying, no, we're going now! and i remember feeling kinda weird. on the way back we ran into my best friend riding his motorcycle. he later told me i was wearing a really nice dress and the expression on my face was that of detached misery. i find this utterly fascinating. he sat with me and made me smoke shit and eat and kept me up for a while to make sure i was ok. then he left and after he did i couldn't find my phone and so i decided that he must have taken it. so i went to his house and knocked on his window and asked for my phone, he said he doesn't have it... it was in my couch. during this time i also sent some pretty retarded and poorly spelled text messages and emails. i find it rather interesting though that other than somewhat (mildly) impaired short term memory, i really suffered no long term effects, at least that i am aware of at this point. now i got into drinking more, so maybe i'll try it again sometime. i am still pretty fucking unhappy. i spend a lot of time thinking about whether so and so likes me, or rather the fact that he will never feel about me the way i feel about him, and at the same time, i have pretty much given up on myself. i've had the love of my life, and all that, after all. and i threw that away. on purpose, i ruined my own finances for good, on purpose. yeah, i still have some things going for me. i still model, too, but i am not getting any younger, i keep thinking about that all the goddamn time. i don't want to be old, because i'm going to be old and alone, and broke. whether or not i still have addictions. live fast, die young, leave a pretty corpse. goddamnit.

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