wtf did I do?

So I've been in Cambodia the past few months... having a grand ol time doing a lot of nothing.I did manage to study enough Khmei to make it worth the effort. The language is a beast in some respects, but very simple in other aspects. Trying to speak with the rural people doesn't work so well...
I've been doing dope everyday, three to four times a day. Good dope. The kind that any junkie would die for. And cheap too. So amazingly cheap. Dozens of times cheaper than possible in the west. Now I'm done... i've run out and I'm not doing any more. ever. I'm about 24 hours from last dose. NOt too far into withdraw, I know... But I can't do anymore anyway... I'm starting a 24 hour aeroplane journey in less than 55 hours. Nothing I can do about it after that.With enough xanax and immodium, tylenol, and benadryl I'll have to battle this shit. It's really not bad at all though, feeling OK for now. Drinking plenty of water, feeling a bit sore and restless but nothing else of notice. Hopefully it doesn't get too much worse.
I'm tired of having that fucking drug in my body, the drug controlling all of my actions... fuck that. it's a ball and chain. I don't want it. I'll suffer now to prevent a life of fucking suffering, if I even did live to thirty as a heroin addict....
I was looking at the bluelight shrine, reading through PhreeX's thread again, and lookign at the picture thread. I don't want to be in the bluelight shrine, and that's what would happen one day, some how... not me.
Anyway, when Iget back to the states I've got some very cool things going on. Can't fuck any of that up right now, not for stupid things. There's too much at stake this time..

 

well, I'm struggling. not doing so well... physically I've been able to aleviate some of the symptoms with some 8mg otc codine, and some xanax, but that's just a small stopgap, I'm no way feeling OK. The thing thats terribel is the emotional fuckride this is taking me on. I've started crying twice today, I'm able to feel a bit of empathy now maybe... I'm able to hurt... I cried creading the bluelight shrine, but it was good inspiration, I don't want to end up there. I know this battle that i am in right now will end very shortly. I know it's not forever. I just need to get through the next few days. The ganja is helping, tremendously. I'll hopefully be OK soon, no more needles in my life... fuck that.

this is just off the top of my head, needed to put it somewhere. I guess I'll use this space to write about my experience....

 

You're in for a rough ride I think. Sounds like you have good motivation to kick this, but you've built up a pretty tough dependence if you were using that often.

Good luck to you. I'm guessing that your plane trip is going to suck a lot more than a normal 24 hour flight would. You're not doing this the easy way, but sometimes that is best.

 

So I've got some dihydrocodone that is making life much, much easier. the taper is going to suck, but there are no needles involved, and I'll be in well enough condition to get on the place and go through passport control. I'm gonna be fine, I don't want to be addicted any, i know that getting off it is the best thing i'll ever do for myself. It's going to be a quick, strong taper, still much more pleasant than cold turkey...

 

Rob

 

Good call. Even a hard taper is going to be miles better than cold turkey. Best of luck to you, and I hope that your flight goes as well as it can.

 

Thanks Dave, for caring. We've never come across each other on the board,and it means TONS to know that someone cares, even someone I've never met or even talked with.

Kerry

I am making it, and I'm doing OK. I slept well last night, though I did use some help from the DHC, 10mg diazepam, and .5mg xanax.
I woke up early, but not feeling terrible. I took 120mg DHC extended release without chewing, and 60mg by breaking the time release. I don't feel great, I don't feel well, but I feel strong enough, and emotionally stable enough, to do what i have to do. I had no problem getting up and running some errands, so I know I will be able to make it.

What this whole thing really brings to my mind is he way drug users are treated in society. I went from the middle of cold turkey, feeling terrible, to providing myself with some very minor medications, now I'm still uncomfortable, but I know I can handle the withdraws. I'm convinced that the repercussion of changing the way we look at addiction and users would greatly change drug abuse and crime related to it.

If someone ( Who chooses to quit) could go to their doctor and have DHC, hydrocodone, or another opiate proscribed and monitored for a more comfortable titration, I'm sure many many would take that option. A junkie would not feel any euphoria or anything slightly recreational if the doses are monitored properly. Not everyone wants a long-acting opiate like methadone, and many people don't want anything to d with bupe...

anyway, I've gotta finish this joint, shower and pack up my laptop before I hop on the bus. 10mg valium and 10mg codine before I ride...

 

I've read your posts on many occasions, although until relatively recently I was more of a lurker than a poster. I wouldn't wish cold turkey on anyone-- I'm a huge advocate of tapering. Ever since studying behavioural psych something like 6 or 7 years ago, I've been a huge advocate of slow, steady changes over abrupt changes. They just seem to stick better, you know?

Hell, a 24 hour flight/series of flights is no laughing matter anyway, even without having to deal with serious opiate withdrawal. You know what you're doing though, and you'll be just fine. It'll suck, but like all things, it will pass.

 

Thanks Dave, I'm glad there are those like you other there...
I've made it to my first airport, penniless but with a bag or oranges and some granola bars to get me through... I've got a five hour flight, to Seoul, ten hours layover, then an 12 hour trip over the pacific, befoer a final three hour ride into Denver...
I've taken inventory of all my "supplies" and have a schedule, that if I hole to it, will leave me with some extra DHC and some extra alprazolam if I need it bad. I know I'll start to do a self-inventory a few hours before landing to make sure I'm feeling well during the immigration. The thought of standing in that line for a hour while I'm not well is terrifying.... but that shouldn't be a problem if I don't try and feel good from this, just OK....

thanks for taking the time to read... I'll be arriving in the US on tuesday afternoon. I may make another update from Seoul, if I'm able... I'll definately try to update my status on tuesday night, or more likely wednesday.

 

hey man, I'm reading this and I almost can't believe it... you and I spoke fairly often not too long ago, but for a few different reasons I've not been able to use AIM or anything to really talk to you and I guess you've decided not to be as much of a LoungeRat lately. probably for the best, lol...

anyway, I'm rambling... I just wanna say that I'm here for ya, if your feeling shitty and need someone who knows, shoot me a PM and I'll respond asap. Sounds like you're doing well with the taper and benzos... man do benzos help. I can't say that enough, with dopesickness, just to be able to sleep at night is incredible... good luck man, and keep on keepin on bro.

 

So I just made it into Seoul and I'm feeling pretty OK. The taper is working magic, while I'm not comfortable, I had no problem on the flight, and I can tell that this will be successful...

I got off of the flight penniless and was askin for a meal voucher in the airport, as I have a ten hour layover. Unfortunately the Asiana folks don't have airport meal vouchers, so instead they put me up in a swanky airport hotel that does have meals for me
I've never had a TV the size of a car windscreen, it's nice. The room has it's own computer, electronic toilet that scares me, and a massive rainshower that I'm going to savor later on....

Anyways, I'm gonna try and grab some rest.

Again, I can't wish cold turkey on anyone, while a taper is not fun, it's really not that bad. Anyone could taper if done properly, with supervision and proper titration, if they wanted to quit... I'm confident of that. slow slow slow, and you'll be fine.

now, sleep and a smoke before my free lunch!

 

Ha! Nicely done. Free luxury hotel FTW!

 

Glad to read you're doing well. Keep it up!

 

Still feeling the slights bit of discomfort and diarrhea, but I finished my DHC taper. Now it's time to get better, have a great thanksgiving and all that good stuff. The g/f met me at the airport, as did my Mom and step-father... so it's be very welcoming. I've had to keep it all a secret from everyone but the g/f. Done well, but not fun on the psyche, hiding something so serious. The sex made life so much better, too :D

Guess this post is done and over, thanks for caring, it means more than any of you know....

 

Good to hear you made it back okay. On to your next adventure!