Wrong turn yet I knew what I was doing right? My story

[Sampsontruth]

Hello everyone I know this seems as my first yet its not. I found bluelight.nu when I was 14, when I was in the rave scene. I'm now twice that age and have came here ever since. I would like to thank everyone who is involved with the bluelight organization for help and knowledge over the years.

I'm in a pretty bad spot at the moment, one I knew I would never be in, I'm not that person yet I was wrong. I feel as if I wrote my story people would like it if they have the attention span to read it so let me make this short and sweet

#1 I'm a addict that started with smoking pot when I was 12 moved to the rave scene (we know what that consist of)
#2 Had my Dr put me on benzo's used them in high school every now and again until #3
#3 Fell in love with a fitness model I met at the gym (married from 8 years now) 7 year old child which I love so much. She didn't care for my pot smoking so I substituted it for daily benzo dosage 8(
#4 Marriage start to become empty so I fell into pain killers (everything was great right?) In my head only!
#5 I'm floating in a cloud for years and years high off every opiate to the devil its self. The wife was brought up very sheltered no drinking, drugs etc. So when I started showing up with marks allover myself....you know.
#6 After years of drug abuse and selling my 550i and putting it in my arm I realized I'm a mess. I would come to bluelight and see others issues, mine had them beat. Addicted to dope, xanax, addys.. I was lost and felt hopeless. I knew I was in too deep.

I came clean with my wife which messed her up in the head. Sex drive was gone while on opiates,she developed a complex thinking something was wrong with her. She developed a insane shopping addiction spending more then id like to say.

I haven't taken any opiates since May 5th 2014. I was using suboxone, I quit that last friday. I'm a mess guys I cant sleep, depressed, crying like i'm about to give birth. My wife is depressed and a total B spends all the money. Holds everything i've done over my head. I'm trying to become a better person but I shouldn't be the only one. I want to leave her but I love my kid to much. Guys I don't know help!! Any and all advice will help!

Thanks guys and sorry mods if I broke any rules.

-Sampson

 

[herbavore]

You haven't broken any rules and I'm really sorry to hear the pain you are in, though congratulations are in order for what you have accomplished. Saving or breaking up a marriage is never an easy decision but don't despair. Have you tried getting some counseling for yourself (first) and then going to a marriage counselor? Here is a question you could ask yourself: would you both be able to be better parents separate or together? Sometimes people focus everything on staying together for the sake of the children but the children are harmed by a toxic atmosphere more than anything else. Whether you stay together or separate, counseling can help you both move beyond blame (sounds like your wife could use that) and present a united front for your child.

As far as your own emotions go, it may be uncomfortable to be crying all the time but it is healthy. You have probably been stuffing it all down so long that even having authentic emotions feels scary. Get some support for going through them and you will come out the ther side of this experience much stronger and more empathetic than you went in.

 

[Maya]

^some really great advice here from herbavore.

My opinion is that both of you are having a difficult time at the moment which stemmed from the addiction. I see that your wife is compensating for shopping because it makes her feel good and she's depressed because she is craving for your love and attention. You can either work on this together or give each other some time and space to think things through. As per herbavore, counseling is a good option. She needs your support and you also need hers, so sit down and talk about how you can work things out. Whatever the outcome is, I am hoping for the best OP. Goodluck.

 

[Sampsontruth]

You hit the nail on the head! All of my emotions have been suppressed for years, the flood gates are open. We tried counseling but her keeping an appointment..we received a letter saying he couldn't see us anymore due to the missed dates. I've been wanting to leave for years but don't have the heart to leave my kid. (I did leave twice but she drew me back in with the kid card). My biggest fear is she knows to damn much and she would try to keep him away from me or her ma would try to get me put back in jail. I dont like cops, courts, cop happy people you get the point. Sold my crib (it would be easier to get the hell out of dodge) because her mom was about to loose her home so we joined forces there a few years back, bad move. The nosey cunt (in-law)was ease dropping the other night (getting off subs of course messing with my head) my wife was raising hell because I wouldn't spend $1200 on some dumb site and mumbled about me leaving. I told her if she tried to take my kid away from me I have a bullet with her name on it that will end up in her head. Damn the mother of my child I threaten to clip??!! wtf is happening to me that shit isn't right.


My heads twenty ways fucked up all those drugs use to give the thrills now nothing but chills. I was on the subs for a month and a half aprox very small doses at the end. Its day 6-7 fuck idk what I'm going to do. Fuck relapsing to start the hell all over again. I feel like total shit I know each day is a accomplishment but when you have someone constantly reminding you all the fucked up stuff i've done over the years to her...which she didn't deserve this shit. Yeah shes a bitch but who made her that way? I know i've fucked up I'm trying to self improve, shouldn't she be trying to control her damn shopping? I was really fucked up yesterday after she piled it all on me which I feel very bad for hurting anyone I love. I can't sleep, restless body, I wake up at 3am every morning and cant go back to sleep. I'm taking clonodine (sp) and a few bars (doesn't work) after 2 hours of half ass sleep then finally pass back out around 5-6 if I'm lucky. Any recommendations?


My son is off on summer break so he gets up at 8am. I take half a addy then deal with this shit and feel like i'm not being the best dad I can be. Fucking drugs have me in a mess. I just want to hop on a plane and take off to aruba everything is all set up down there my people have mansions on the beach, glass bottom boat companies etc... I can't run unless someone drops a dime on me or can I?


If divorce lawyers get involved im more then likely going down. Hopefully shit can get better on the family tip but I think too much damage is done, drugs and addiction you know what kind of a person it can turn you into.


I'm worried how the hell I'm going to turn out when I don't feel like shit anymore will I be happy, will I be the guy who has nadda for patience and yank a bitch outta a drive threw window again (Steroids) a few years back that one.


Thanks guys

 

[herbavore]

If your wife won't go to counseling, go for your self by yourself. You owe it to your kid to work on healthy ways to deal with anger. It's hard and it is scary when it's new but it gets easier.

 

[Maya]

You are going to be fine OP, it will be tough at first but it will be better for you. There's so much that you are thinking right now and with the drug use it is adding up to the stress. Once you have gotten rid of the drugs the more you will be able to think things through and the more you will be clear headed. One step at a time OP.

 

[Sampsontruth]

Happy fourth everyone

Happy Fourth of July to ya. So my update is... I'm fucking scared, I'm 21 days off suboxone after a 10 year run off every opiate anyone could name off. I had a monster habit I didn't need to go a hustle for a few bags. At the end I would get this extremely pure shit from Afghanistan if I was on a vacation I would get it shipped to the hotel. It was baaaaad. Anyways so how I told you about my clean sober wife that has been helping me but loves to make her little fucking comments "I bet you have some junkie bitch sucking your dick". Thats the tip off the ice berg. I have no tolerance for bull shit is this me or this me detoxing? I gotta find a good head Dr that specializes in this shit. I'll be running off 2 hours of sleep trying to make it around 12am KO until 2am.

One thing i'm afraid of is me going to a fucking head doc and them using this shit in court. Her mom is 0-2 success rate with marriage always in our fucking business. Stupid cunt doesn't know how to manage money and lost her house. So me being the kind hearted nice guy I let the 4 faced bitch move in to a diffrent wing in my crib. Bitch always ease dropping IDK what kinda dirt she has gathered on me

Im scared if I'm going to be this mean fucker or is this the norm getting on subs?

 

[neversickanymore]

Hey Sampson.. the emotional thing seems par for the course. When we clean up, especially from a long habit, we get Post Acute Withdrawal Syndrome.

Here is some strong information as well as some good information on ways to deal with it.

PAWS LINKS
Why We Don’t Get Better Immediately: Post-acute Withdrawal Syndrome (PAWS)
Post Acute Withdrawal (PAW) Excerpted From “Staying Sober” By: Terence T. Gorski
Post-acute-withdrawal syndrome Wiki

Exercise and Brain Neurotransmission
Neurobiology of Exercise
Exercise 4 Health, Mental Health, and Addiction vs. I worked all that out

Chemicals and supplements to recover from opiate addiction


it is a powerful thing to keep our thoughts possitive and here are some threads many of us use to help us do this.
Managing depressive thinking
Good things about being off drugs/getting sober
Share something POSITIVE from your day!
Today I Am Thankful For... Ver. 3: Earth, Wind and Fire!

Here is the mindfulness thread.


The thing with drugs is they don't change the world.. they just change our perception of it.

How our life is based on our perception of it. Our perception is based on our thoughts. We control our thoughts. So we control how our life is. We have very little control over so much of what comes at us in life, but we have total control over how we choose to percieve what comes.

Since the emotional response in early recovery is so strong it can be really beneficial to center your thoughts in the present. If we slip into the past we can get hit by heavy unpleasant guilt, shame, anger, resentment, etc.. if we jump into the future we can get slammed with anxiety, fear, anger, hopelessness, self doubt, a sense of life being worthless or meaningless, hopelessness.. best to ground in the present because its all we ever have anyway so there its pointless to brood over the past or worry about the future.



Very little is needed to make a happy life; it is all within yourself, in your way of thinking.
Marcus Aurelius

You have power over your mind - not outside events. Realize this, and you will find strength.
Marcus Aurelius

Confine yourself to the present.
Marcus Aurelius



Congratulations on the amazing push you have done, pleased don't forget to give yourself the credit you deserve for all you have accomplished:D. It gets better and there are allot of things we can do to promote the healing.

 

[Sampsontruth]

Appreciate it my man very helpful information! Let me ask you this if I'm still taking xanax (10+ years) and a little of addy daily, how is this effecting my recovery from opiates?

This shit is nuts because I feel good this AM but also the fam is still sleeping.