Here's something I just posted in my journal. It is a letter to my
future lover. Cruised over here and spotted this thread - oh how nice - I'll post it here. Sorta personal but I guess its good to share...it came from my heart
My Love,
I have been thinking about you again lately. My life has been…up and down lately. I have been struggling for reasons that still elude me. Even 500ug of LSD couldn’t blast from the depths of my mind what it is that keeps me chained down to Earth with concerns that I know are not ultimately important. I don’t understand what I am unsettled about, what I am searching for, what I am trying to fill inside myself. I have been happy, mainly, with my life and where things are going: working on my master’s, working out, climbing, getting stoned and laughing with friends, ~*tripping*~ underneath the stars, dancing, laying in the sun, feeling every pore absorbing energy and light…
But, also, I have been down sometimes. I have once again turned to ‘darker’ drugs to try to fill that thing inside me that I think is missing. It does not work because that which is inside me that is missing does not exist. I know not but I do know that on the most fundamental level I am complete and whole – *now*. I think about you and what may possibly be in the future and that alone is a source of hope and joy for me. I honestly feel lonely without you *now* though.
I had a dream about you again last night while camping alone on top of a cliff. That is the third time I’ve had this dream in as many years (always in the Spring). In my dreams I am with you, laying on a bed, we are both smiling at each other, your smile is as delicate as a fresh spring leaf and inside my heart is glowing. We are naked together, slowly rubbing and caressing each other. That smooth, pale, beautiful spot on your body, above your hips where the skin indents. I run my fingers over your body and feel you shiver with pleasure beneath my touch. Inside my heart is opening up to you and I feel your heart opening up to me. We entwine like snakes against each other, our breath intermingling, we kiss and I taste you on my lips. You are so sweet and beautiful, like an angel, a faerie in a sunny spring meadow. I long to hold you until we both enter the bright white light together, enraptured, in bliss, a supreme state of samadhi.
Slowly, slowly, we drift apart in our dreamscape. I sit up in my sleeping bag and look upward as the briefest of moments in an otherwise cloudy night reveals a glowing bed of stars. Incandescent in their unreal beauty they shine down on me and the tears running down my cheeks. I stay sitting a moment longer, meditating on this breath, these tears, this cliff, wind, stars. Now thick clouds cover the stars and my tears slow and my breathing returns to normal. I still taste you on my lips as I lower myself back down and drift into a deep sleep.
I awake in the morning and rise to stretch, greeting the hintings of dawn with some simple yogasanas. I sit down into lotus, turned toward the sun rise and contemplate my breath and surroundings while the red, red sun peaks over the mountains. I feel *at peace* here even now without you. I wonder again like I always do whether or not *you* dreamed about *me* last night and if you are sitting somewhere thinking similar thoughts as I.
Love and light to you my eternal friend,
Andy