Dearest,
I don't know, I don't know, I don't know! I have no idea how I feel or what I want. I guess I'm always so caught up in being liked and giving people what they want that I haven't actually stopped and taken the time to figure out what I want. I always thought that I wanted a partner, someone that I could share myself with. But I knew that this would likely not happen, or at least be very difficult for me, because nobody has ever been able to break down my walls and anytime someone gets even the slightest bit close (like you have), I freak out and run away. It's a problem that I don't know I'll ever be able to solve, not fully at least. And though I love the idea of giving myself to you the way you want me to, I don't know if you're the person that can pull me out of my shell and that I would be able to tell my deepest darkest secrets, dreams, and fears to. We're just too different. And no offense, but you're not really my type. I mean, I don't think I could ever have a deep or intelligent conversation with you. Maybe that's not fair 'cause I have never even tried. I'm just afraid that if I do, you'll suddenly see how different we are and not want us to work out anymore.
I keep telling myself I have nothing left to lose anyways. I've spent the past month very detached from you and the past week ignoring you completely (immature and selfish, I know, but I've just been so scared and unsure of what to do) and I've been perfectly fine. I know I could move on easily right now if things didn't work out. The only thing I'm afraid of is if I do start opening up and all of a sudden finding that I have deeper feelings for you than I do right now but then the opposite happening for you. I don't think that will happen though. And I know I'll never let myself develop true feelings for you because I know we can never be together. But why can't we just enjoy a little companionship, what's the harm in that, right? I mean, that's all you really want and isn't it what everyone needs deep down?
I think way too much. I analyze people too much. But I am usually right. It is my talent but it is also my biggest downfall. For once, I wish I could just let go and let the pieces fall where they fall, instead of trying to guide them into their place when I don't even know where their rightful place is to begin with.
Please don't let me down. Please push me. Keep pushing me. Please help me want this. Please show me how to love.