This week has been so fucking weird. I spent most of it sick, in bed. Not dope sick, but like, I got these terrible migraines. I assume they had something to do with the heroin. I am prone to migraines but that was the only variable that was different this week. (I keep a log of my headaches so I can see what triggers my migraines. I've been getting them since I was around 11 years old. Mono-sodium Glutamate [MSG], for example, is a big trigger for me so I have to avoid that stuff like the plague. It's in damn near EVERY processed or packaged food you can think of! Chips, crackers, hot dogs, deli meats, Ramen noodle packets, frozen pizza pockets... I'm better off not eating that stuff anyway but unfortunately sometimes when you're broke the only thing you can afford to eat is an MSG bomb!)
But anyway, back to my my observations; I'd sniff a bag and then my vision would go blurry and I'd get the classic "migraine aura" and I'd feel this intense pressure on either side of my head (depending on what side the migraine ended up on) then I became nauseous and my hands and lips became tingly and numb... then the pain would start, incredibly intense, behind my eye... If you've ever had a migraine, you know the type of awful pain they cause. And any sensory input becomes unbearable -- light hurts, sound hurts, smells make you want to vomit... So I'd lay in my bed, turn off all of the lights and I would just try to fall asleep. Because that's the only way a migraine goes away -- you have to either puke and sleep it off or sometimes, if you're lucky, you can skip the puking and just sleep it off.
The analgesic effect of the heroin was nowhere to be found... Or maybe the migraines were so intense that the analgesic effect of the heroin was only so much? I don't know! These were very strange reactions for me to be having. Any sane person would have flushed the dope, but not me, I had to finish it all. I don't think I've ever thrown drugs away. No matter how bad of a reaction I've had from them, I've always hung on to the drugs and finished them at a later point. I remember I threw some pot that my mom found in my backpack away once and I still feel angry about having to do that... See? Crazy!
My girlfriend told me she figured out I was using heroin and I felt even shittier... I just do not learn, I guess. I'm happy she loves me and I'm happy she sticks with me no matter how much of a shitty person I am but I always feel like I don't deserve her. She can do so much better than my crazy, stupid, ugly, drug-addled ass.
But I love her. I want to be with her and I want to spend my life with her and I want to marry her and I want to buy a house together and raise a child together and be old farts together but I also want to feel like I deserve her and I want to feel like I can be the woman that she deserves.
I guess I can start doing that by getting a job. I have a job interview on Friday and I'm really excited for this one! It's at an independent coffee shop in Manhattan. That narrows it down, right?
I really hope I get this job! It seems like, dare I say it, a fun place to work! I'm crossing my fingers and hoping my good luck doesn't fail me now... Haha.
I sold one of my beloved gadgets and, with some of the money I got for it, I caved and bought some pills. No heroin though. No more heroin. I feel so shitty about the heroin. I feel like I let my girlfriend down... I didn't TELL her explicitly that I bought heroin instead of oxy but she figured it out. She knows me better than I know myself, as cliched as that is.
I'm going to see what things I can make better for myself and for her... I want to be able to pay her back for all of the stuff she's done for me over these past couple of years. She's so good to me and all I do is cause her grief and pain. But I will change. I have to. I've been so depressed since I quit my old job... I had a 401k, paid vacation and all of that good shit. It wasn't the best job in the world but not many 20 year old's have 401ks... I'm 25 now and don't have shit, but once upon a time I had a little bit.
Right now, physically, I feel so fucking GOOD though... I had about 110mg of oxycodone. If heroin was like this, I'd be in trouble.
I can't find anyone with any fucking pot! What the hell? All my usual sources are not answering or it's coming tomorrow, tomorrow, tomorrow... I just want to smoke up and chill the fuck out. The only thing around, is what I don't want -- any of that crap my friend's boyfriend buys... 'Hood dime bags that are mostly stems and seeds. Bah... He buys dimes of the worst weed on earth and then spends 2 dollars on a blunt wrap. And smokes at least 4 or 5 a night... I can't wrap my head around it. I enjoy smoking a blunt every now and again, as a social thing, but when I want to SMOKE, I prefer bongs... And why would you spend the same amount of money on your drug as the thing you're going to smoke it with? You can buy 2 DIMES if you just invest in a nice little bowl! Oh well, to each their own, right? I call this type of weed "Mexican dirt" ... and it doesn't even get you stoned. I'm far from a pot snob, but Jesus, this stuff is bad! I guess smoking it out of a bowl would be.... unpleasant... but I'm hoping the cannabis Gods decide to bless me with some green in the very near future.
But yeah. I have to sell some gold jewelry I have lying around here. My dad's Tiffany's watch and a gold necklace my mom got from her job as an anniversary gift, along with some other stuff that belongs to my family... Everyone is either sick or dead. That's my family legacy... Sigh.
I need to pay off the rest of this rent. I feel like scum for having to resort to this but what good are these items doing me? Or my family for that matter? My dad never wore the watch his company gave him for his 20 year anniversary there. I don't even know how much a Tiffany's watch would sell for and if I'm going to sell this I don't want to get ripped off. At least gold has a set price according to weight. Sigh.
I am scum. I am not selling my parents' wedding rings though. Those are too precious. My mom had the band from her wedding ring and wore that up until the day she died... I took it off of her finger as the paramedics took her away... I wore it on my thumb for a long time. It gave me some comfort for a while but then it started to feel creepy. She said she lost the ring with the diamond in it but not long after she died, as I was cleaning the house, I found the ring with the diamond in it. She swore up and down she'd lost it in her friend's apartment... but what a strange time to find it.
Things like that happen... maybe she was trying to tell me something...
Maybe I'm just reading way too much into it.
I miss my parents... I need to get back into therapy. I missed one day and then I tried to reschedule but my therapist ended up not being in on that day and then I rescheduled but no-showed so now I have to reschedule again. I can't let myself get complacent in this... I felt like I was getting somewhere. So... I will keep going.
Now I've said entirely too much about nothing.
I'm just hoping I get this job! It will be good for me! And for my brother and girlfriend! And my doggies! More money coming in the household is always good.
But anyway, back to my my observations; I'd sniff a bag and then my vision would go blurry and I'd get the classic "migraine aura" and I'd feel this intense pressure on either side of my head (depending on what side the migraine ended up on) then I became nauseous and my hands and lips became tingly and numb... then the pain would start, incredibly intense, behind my eye... If you've ever had a migraine, you know the type of awful pain they cause. And any sensory input becomes unbearable -- light hurts, sound hurts, smells make you want to vomit... So I'd lay in my bed, turn off all of the lights and I would just try to fall asleep. Because that's the only way a migraine goes away -- you have to either puke and sleep it off or sometimes, if you're lucky, you can skip the puking and just sleep it off.
The analgesic effect of the heroin was nowhere to be found... Or maybe the migraines were so intense that the analgesic effect of the heroin was only so much? I don't know! These were very strange reactions for me to be having. Any sane person would have flushed the dope, but not me, I had to finish it all. I don't think I've ever thrown drugs away. No matter how bad of a reaction I've had from them, I've always hung on to the drugs and finished them at a later point. I remember I threw some pot that my mom found in my backpack away once and I still feel angry about having to do that... See? Crazy!
My girlfriend told me she figured out I was using heroin and I felt even shittier... I just do not learn, I guess. I'm happy she loves me and I'm happy she sticks with me no matter how much of a shitty person I am but I always feel like I don't deserve her. She can do so much better than my crazy, stupid, ugly, drug-addled ass.
But I love her. I want to be with her and I want to spend my life with her and I want to marry her and I want to buy a house together and raise a child together and be old farts together but I also want to feel like I deserve her and I want to feel like I can be the woman that she deserves.
I guess I can start doing that by getting a job. I have a job interview on Friday and I'm really excited for this one! It's at an independent coffee shop in Manhattan. That narrows it down, right?
I really hope I get this job! It seems like, dare I say it, a fun place to work! I'm crossing my fingers and hoping my good luck doesn't fail me now... Haha. I sold one of my beloved gadgets and, with some of the money I got for it, I caved and bought some pills. No heroin though. No more heroin. I feel so shitty about the heroin. I feel like I let my girlfriend down... I didn't TELL her explicitly that I bought heroin instead of oxy but she figured it out. She knows me better than I know myself, as cliched as that is.
I'm going to see what things I can make better for myself and for her... I want to be able to pay her back for all of the stuff she's done for me over these past couple of years. She's so good to me and all I do is cause her grief and pain. But I will change. I have to. I've been so depressed since I quit my old job... I had a 401k, paid vacation and all of that good shit. It wasn't the best job in the world but not many 20 year old's have 401ks... I'm 25 now and don't have shit, but once upon a time I had a little bit.
Right now, physically, I feel so fucking GOOD though... I had about 110mg of oxycodone. If heroin was like this, I'd be in trouble.
I can't find anyone with any fucking pot! What the hell? All my usual sources are not answering or it's coming tomorrow, tomorrow, tomorrow... I just want to smoke up and chill the fuck out. The only thing around, is what I don't want -- any of that crap my friend's boyfriend buys... 'Hood dime bags that are mostly stems and seeds. Bah... He buys dimes of the worst weed on earth and then spends 2 dollars on a blunt wrap. And smokes at least 4 or 5 a night... I can't wrap my head around it. I enjoy smoking a blunt every now and again, as a social thing, but when I want to SMOKE, I prefer bongs... And why would you spend the same amount of money on your drug as the thing you're going to smoke it with? You can buy 2 DIMES if you just invest in a nice little bowl! Oh well, to each their own, right? I call this type of weed "Mexican dirt" ... and it doesn't even get you stoned. I'm far from a pot snob, but Jesus, this stuff is bad! I guess smoking it out of a bowl would be.... unpleasant... but I'm hoping the cannabis Gods decide to bless me with some green in the very near future.
But yeah. I have to sell some gold jewelry I have lying around here. My dad's Tiffany's watch and a gold necklace my mom got from her job as an anniversary gift, along with some other stuff that belongs to my family... Everyone is either sick or dead. That's my family legacy... Sigh.
I need to pay off the rest of this rent. I feel like scum for having to resort to this but what good are these items doing me? Or my family for that matter? My dad never wore the watch his company gave him for his 20 year anniversary there. I don't even know how much a Tiffany's watch would sell for and if I'm going to sell this I don't want to get ripped off. At least gold has a set price according to weight. Sigh.
I am scum. I am not selling my parents' wedding rings though. Those are too precious. My mom had the band from her wedding ring and wore that up until the day she died... I took it off of her finger as the paramedics took her away... I wore it on my thumb for a long time. It gave me some comfort for a while but then it started to feel creepy. She said she lost the ring with the diamond in it but not long after she died, as I was cleaning the house, I found the ring with the diamond in it. She swore up and down she'd lost it in her friend's apartment... but what a strange time to find it.
Things like that happen... maybe she was trying to tell me something...
Maybe I'm just reading way too much into it.
I miss my parents... I need to get back into therapy. I missed one day and then I tried to reschedule but my therapist ended up not being in on that day and then I rescheduled but no-showed so now I have to reschedule again. I can't let myself get complacent in this... I felt like I was getting somewhere. So... I will keep going.
Now I've said entirely too much about nothing.
I'm just hoping I get this job! It will be good for me! And for my brother and girlfriend! And my doggies! More money coming in the household is always good.
