today is march 20th 2010. days still pass by. i still remember dates a year ago and wonder about how it was a year ago. i still remember those times which have passed by now. it wont be long until it will be over a year, and those memories wont be as close as they are now.
perhaps it will help me leave that all in the past and help me to move on towards the future. i am still crippled every day because of whats happened in the past, and the continuing torture of not being able to, or not wanting to let it go.
its been a long time since i've written in this journal, since i've put my thoughts down. i know that in the past its kept me healthy so i will try to pick the pen up again. not much has changed, im still in that dark place i was a long time ago. and everyone still seems to be passing me by, moving on in their lives, developing new facets while i dwell on a broken one of mine.
she has decided to end all contact and i've been largely fine about it. perhaps i havent been facing the reality of what it entails. what the consequences to that decision is. ive successfully detoxed from a nasty benzo habit, i've thrown my cigarettes away, given my blade away. and i'm now left with nothing. i'm left with no coping mechanisms at all. no longer can i run from the truth, i have to face it now.
when the reality rises to the surface and stares me in the eyes. i cant drown it again with pills, i cant let the blood flow to wash away those thoughts. theyre sitting there always. right infront of me, i can't escape the reality. theres nothing left for me to do.
sometimes its overwhelming. and i wonder what else can i do when i dont have those avenues to pursue?
i wonder what im capable of.
ill see her again tonight. and then shes gone again. time marches forwards for her. and i stand still. unmoving, unable to forget, i've put my roots down in this scorched soil, in the past.
its so fucking inconsequential. for it to hurt this much and affect me this much is a fucking joke. give me some real problems so i dont feel like such a pussy for not being able to handle a simple broken heart.
perhaps it will help me leave that all in the past and help me to move on towards the future. i am still crippled every day because of whats happened in the past, and the continuing torture of not being able to, or not wanting to let it go.
its been a long time since i've written in this journal, since i've put my thoughts down. i know that in the past its kept me healthy so i will try to pick the pen up again. not much has changed, im still in that dark place i was a long time ago. and everyone still seems to be passing me by, moving on in their lives, developing new facets while i dwell on a broken one of mine.
she has decided to end all contact and i've been largely fine about it. perhaps i havent been facing the reality of what it entails. what the consequences to that decision is. ive successfully detoxed from a nasty benzo habit, i've thrown my cigarettes away, given my blade away. and i'm now left with nothing. i'm left with no coping mechanisms at all. no longer can i run from the truth, i have to face it now.
when the reality rises to the surface and stares me in the eyes. i cant drown it again with pills, i cant let the blood flow to wash away those thoughts. theyre sitting there always. right infront of me, i can't escape the reality. theres nothing left for me to do.
sometimes its overwhelming. and i wonder what else can i do when i dont have those avenues to pursue?
i wonder what im capable of.
ill see her again tonight. and then shes gone again. time marches forwards for her. and i stand still. unmoving, unable to forget, i've put my roots down in this scorched soil, in the past.
its so fucking inconsequential. for it to hurt this much and affect me this much is a fucking joke. give me some real problems so i dont feel like such a pussy for not being able to handle a simple broken heart.
Cassie: Do you know what hurts most about a broken heart? Not being able to remember how you felt before... try and keep that feeling, because... if it goes... you'll never get it back
Chris: What happens then?
Cassie: You lay waste to the world... and everything in it.
