Worthy Of Poetry

[Jabberwocky]

I met a man who was worthy of poetry
And everyday was music and words
intent and desire

The words seared the air

with its patient hunger

devouring my attention

Sending me into loops

Stopping my heart

I could hear the individual pieces fall

shattering to the ground

My mask, that old friend, slide ever so slightly into place

familiar

Circuitous thoughts traveling the nexus of emotional detachment.

If I cant be with him than I can be his friend

Dont let him go

dont let him push you away

He is the best man you have ever met

The words repeat, beating me into submission

forcing down my hostility

to be replaced by fragility

that resignation of

hurt pain fear

sensing loss but not wanting to admit it

like a phantom limb

whose ache matches my irregular beating heart

I clutch my chest as dry tears well up into my eyes

I force myself to look at the edge

evaluate it, staring all the while in those gently hostile pools of grey

Watching for his reaction

predicting his thoughts before he express them

Thinking this is the saddest I have ever been

the words churning

trying to find expression from my petrified mouth:

I hope he finds love

I hope he knows what he's worth

I caress your words with logic

tricking myself into understanding

and I do

I cant be angry because in a sense you are right

you deserve to be happy

so much more than I can give you

I would walk the world over and back to see you smile

to know I made that moment in time special

but I cant compromise my morals

as convoluted as they are

As he sobs into my neck

echoing my confusion

I sense deeper pains

worries

frustrations

and my heart breaks again

this man will have so much love and happiness in his future

I can read it like dancing intentions on hyper strings of causality

the future, non linear, sprawled out before me

I swallow hard knowing that with or without me

this survivor will find happiness

loyalty

A purpose

The night grows late

and words left unspoken

preferring instead to surround our hearts with light memories

tried and true jokes

commentaries on the natural world

feeling a sense of fraternity

I show him a side of myself that night not often view

speaking of politics and theorems and social complexities

feeling if this is the last night I have with him I want him to see me fully

to have no reservations in his decisions.

I feel more relaxed in a way I have yet to feel

knowing that he has made his decision and knowing that irregardless I love him

wanting the best for him no matter what he chooses

And that leaves me with a gentle solace

Bedtime

crickets and passing cars going to destination unknown

a gentle caress a deadlock grip on my arm

afraid of letting go

and what that would mean

I strip my defenses away in the form of cotton poly blended shirts and pants

and lie naked, unafraid, intimate

letting him sense my sorrow, as well as my resolve

Showing instead of telling him of my love, by my silent neurosis stripped presence.

This is for you,

This means I love you

and no matter what you will always have this part of me,

my trust

I practice all night the speeches one would expect from someone trapped by words

but they wont come

drifting silently to the floor for us to trample over in our awkwardness.

I want to say you are worth it, but I cant

I want to say I Love you, but it wont come

I want to say why am I not worth it, but just barely

Mostly I wanted to say I understand

And to Thank You

For being you and allowing me to love again