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Worst night of my life

D

deadmau

Bluelighter
Joined
Sep 3, 2010
Messages
58
Location
Buffalo, NY
Where do i begin....this happened about 30 minutes ago I need to get it all down while it's fresh.

Background about me: in a relationship with opiates and my girlfriend both of 3 years. It's all mutual she loves them to. Well for the past 2 months we've been trying to get clean but we enable each other. Ive lost friends and my job because of opiates but honestly I do them all day at work so i had to leave that environment.

My girlfriend and me decided on help in the form of suboxone last month. She took the fall and went to an outpatient but we still didn't get the suboxone script yet...I think it's coming this week.

So tonight we get money to buy some opana to get us through the week until the subs came and we could quit for good without being sick. Well on our way there I get pulled over for speeding, I'm in a not so hot neighborhood so i quickly ask where are we going..she says my friend X. Well they immediately pull me out, pat me down, and put me in the back of the cop car..no questions asked but please step out of the car. They wanted us separated. So they question us separately I say I'm going to Xs and so does my other. Eventually one of us must of stumbled or they were fucking with us to get the other to talk when they ask me to call X. I say I don't have my phone and don't know where it is. He goes to my other in the car and comes back with my phone. He goes through the texts when it's revealed why I'm really down there. At that point I say I won't speak until i have an attorney. My other wasn't that smart, they told her everything they found in my phone but told her I said it. They tell her she won't go to jail if she tells them what she has. She tells them. A tiny 1mg sliver of suboxone in her wallet. They find it and possession of controlled substance misdemeanor. I'm so upset I start yelling she's crying because she is in group for 2 weeks now and just wanted to get by until she got her suboxone script. They let me off with a speeding ticket while she got arrested.

I feel like complete fuck right now. Im disgusted with myself I let it get this far and I couldn't protect her. I picked her up and dropped her at our apartment and I'm sleeping at home with my mom. I told her this is a huge wakeup call to me but I need to do it, I need to be sick and get over it. For about the past year we've been using just to get through the day. That environment all i think about is using and you have no idea I need to get my life together I can't go on like this. I feel like shit that I left her at the apartment...I hope she understands why I'm doing this..

I will be posting updates this week about my days and adventures through withdrawal. I hope I can do this.

I've failed you...
 
You will have only failed if you have given up! You have a mind set brought on by an experience and your acting on it. Now you can either back peddle when the going gets tough or you can bite the bullet and be there to comfort your woman when she needs you most likely just as much as you will need her when it comes to emotional support.

Don't let this be a low point, stand up, with your own power and natural strength and do the right thing. Sorry if this comes off as preachy but I've been there. Mentally it's the dog house.... For abandoned fighting pitbulls.
 
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Day 1:

Well I woke up a couple hours ago not sick yet actually feel fine because I'm at home I know my mom isn't letting me out and I have no money to get anything if I wanted. I spoke to my girlfriend, her and her mom found a suboxone doctor that said she would be getting her script today. (go figure, she gets it not even 12 hours after being arrested for the tiniest piece of suboxone) I have respect for cops but the cops from last night were complete assholes. They made us feel like scum of the earth even though were trying to get clean and just decide to put another huge road block in front of us.

I don't know if I am going to start taking the suboxone when she gets it. I don't want to prolong the sickness or get addicted to suboxone because I've hears that withdrawal is 10x worse.

I'm still looking for something to keep me busy..right now I'm just laying in bed, this for me is the hardest part. I feel like something is missing in my brain where I can't have fun unless I use. Seriously nothing else interests me besides smoking marijuana and I can't even do that until the weekend.

I'll post any updates tonight or tomorrow morning based on my nights and morning.
 
Not your fault. Everyone knows the protocol. You keep your mouth shut when confronted with evidence. Anything you say can and will be used against you.

You did the right thing. You should be proud of that.. but next time lock your phone.
 
If you're physically addicted to opiates and have access to Suboxone, I would suggest looking into a rapid-taper (basically going on bupe only long enough to block the acute WD from the illegal opiate). I agree with you in that you don't want to go on Suboxone long-term as it's just another addiction. But if you want to avoid the hell that is acute WD from any opiate, then a rapid Suboxone taper would be the best idea.

As for the arrest, don't sweat it too much. You play the opiate game for too long, you will run into something like this. Nothing pisses off cops like an 'I know my rights' attitude, and even if you had behaved exactly as people on the internet told you to in such a situation, you don't know for sure how far the cops would have taken it. If your girlfriend can afford a lawyer, a competent one should set it up so that she enters a plea and will get diversion/probabtion/rehab/treatment. A lot of time (asshole) cops know that kids are going to get good deals in court, so they try and intimidate them as much as possible at the time of arrest a la 'their own punishment.' At the end of the day, if you two can use this as your wake-up call, then this actually isn't that bad compared with a lot of the wake-up calls that other people have to go through.
 
Update:

I didn't use today and the WDs haven't started yet. I have a headache and vomitted a few times but that's it, took some nyquil so I can hopefully pass out very soon, just wish I could wake up next Tuesday.

My girlfriend got her suboxone today after going to the doctor. They gave her 15 and she has to go back every week and they will keep giving her 15. They also gave her clonodine which I guess is for blood pressure and restless leg syndrome (usually my first symptom). I asked for only 1 as a last resort if I can't handle this but I hope I can because I really don't want to take it. I feel if I take it on days 3 or 4 it'll just reset my hard work and I'll be back at square 1...I dunno...I know this won't be easy but I've screwed up enough in the last 3 years that this needs to be done.

Good night
 
If your withdrawal isn't that bad yet I wouldn't necessarily go on suboxone, it sounds like you withdrawal isn't going to be that bad.

Clonidine helps a lot more than just the restless legs. That uneasy feeling of discomfort <- it eliminates a lot of that too I find.
 
Day 2:

I woke up feeling weak, anxious, restless legs and mentally craving. I payed in bed for 2 hours which felt like an eternity. I started thinking to myself how weak I am. I really wish I could do something but I literally don't know what..I've been watching true blood and game of thrones but I've seen every ep a dozen times so I watch the clock.

My girlfriend started the suboxone on doctors orders and is working right now.

I caved, I took a quarter of her strip (2mg) and am disgusted with myself that I couldn't do it on my own. Now I'm worried about getting hooked on suboxone and those WDs because I've read they last twice as long as opiates.

I have unlimited sub but I only want to take it while I'm supposed to be WD so probably until next Tuesday. Is this reasonable? Should I have not taken the sub? Am I thinking right, can I use the sub to block opiate WD, stop on Tuesday and be free? The last thing I want is to be a slave to more medicine.
 
If you take the Suboxone for a few days, just long enough to get you through the primary WD from your opiate of choice, you won't add any insult to the injury. A few days is not long enough to get physically hooked on Suboxone. You're not going to feel amazing after those days are up, and you probably will notice it most in your inability to sleep. But as long as you can use Suboxone for just a few days, you don't have to worry about its withdrawal.
 
xHippiexchildx said:
Suboxone is only meant for severe opiate/heroin addiction.
Click to expand...


I agree, I wouldn't say I'm severe I was only doing 160mg daily (80 at 8am, 80 at 5pm) repeated for 3 years. All my friends upgraded to heroin and they are now slaves to suboxone, I don't want to take it for longer then a week.
 
xHippiexchildx said:
Suboxone is only meant for severe opiate/heroin addiction.
Click to expand...

Buprenorphine is a drug, and like any other drug, it isn't "meant" to do anything. It does different things based on what you do with it. You can use it as a crutch regardless of whether your addiction is heavy or mainly cravings. I've used Suboxone to quit methadone (heavy addiction) and simply to avoid heroin cravings and it worked just as I intended it to in each circumstance.
 
Update:

It's been 14 hours since I took 2mg of suboxone and now the beginning of day 3 no opiates. I'm trying to fall asleep but I'm really cold and the shits are starting. Extreme anxiety, never had it before but I think I permanently fucked myself up.

I'm hoping tomorrow is a nice day I'm going to hang out with my friend from high school, I really want to get out and exercise not sit in and play xbox all day. Pending weather we are going to go to the park and walk some trails and smoke some bud, the weather said 60% chance of rain though FML I really can't spend another day inside.

Good night
 
Hope everything is going alright...Your anxiety is part of the withdrawal. There is no shame in taking enough bupe to stop the w/d for a day or two. There's nothing wrong with making your detox as comfortable as possible.

Keep us updated.
 
deadmau said:
Update:

It's been 14 hours since I took 2mg of suboxone and now the beginning of day 3 no opiates. I'm trying to fall asleep but I'm really cold and the shits are starting. Extreme anxiety, never had it before but I think I permanently fucked myself up.

I'm hoping tomorrow is a nice day I'm going to hang out with my friend from high school, I really want to get out and exercise not sit in and play xbox all day. Pending weather we are going to go to the park and walk some trails and smoke some bud, the weather said 60% chance of rain though FML I really can't spend another day inside.

Good night
Click to expand...

You should be fine in a few weeks if you stay clean. Just try to stay active, and eat right.
 
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