Perpetual Indulgence
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Jun 13, 2004
- Messages
- 20,518
perhaps you connect the break up (3 years ago?) with your mother's death which is why it still negatively resonates within you when it should not
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SLR Moderators: Senior Staff
worst heartbreak you ever suffered through
- Thread starter xxxyyy
- Start date
probably yeah. i mean it was an absolutely shitty thing to do, but i probably would not have minded as much if i hadn't just seen my mother waste away from cancer. i mean i was quite emotionally traumatized by the experience, and it is obvious in retrospect that she wanted nothing to do with that. which is funny, because it's not like i was such a sunshine and smiles guy before.
i mean it's over and fuck it. but really, it made it very hard to let anyone that had the possibility of becoming a sexual partner close. i've kept the female gender at arms length, i know it's stupid, but it's nothing i do consciously... i have no problem connecting to women on a platonic basis. i've never believed in casual/rebound sex, for me it always had to mean something, and after her i just found it very hard to let someone close enough so i could actually sleep with her. because, and 99% of my generation (born mid 80ies) label me insane for this, i find casual/random sex absolutely trite and boring and vaguely disgusting. it's not that i didn't try it, but that feeling to just having been so intimate with someone and then just say, yeah, was fun, bye, god that felt so wrong. i knew back then that i would not do it again, because the actual gratification of the act is always so very short lived. i mean, it's not like i mind other people doing it it's not even that i envy the fun they have doing it, i just have a completely different mindset than most people and thus a completely different approach to sex which for me is much more linked to whatever emotions i have for a person than to the carnal desire to simply fuck. don't get me wrong, i loved having sex, really. i absolutely loved having a sex life. but i am inable to act like my friends do, just pick up some girl at a bar, fuck her, be done with it. strangely enough, most of my friends would not see too big a problem in me fucking a 17-year old (14 is the legal age of consent in germany), but they always mock my celibacy. i always tell them to go fuck themselves. it's not something i chose. just happened.
god, i sound like such a pussy.
i mean it's over and fuck it. but really, it made it very hard to let anyone that had the possibility of becoming a sexual partner close. i've kept the female gender at arms length, i know it's stupid, but it's nothing i do consciously... i have no problem connecting to women on a platonic basis. i've never believed in casual/rebound sex, for me it always had to mean something, and after her i just found it very hard to let someone close enough so i could actually sleep with her. because, and 99% of my generation (born mid 80ies) label me insane for this, i find casual/random sex absolutely trite and boring and vaguely disgusting. it's not that i didn't try it, but that feeling to just having been so intimate with someone and then just say, yeah, was fun, bye, god that felt so wrong. i knew back then that i would not do it again, because the actual gratification of the act is always so very short lived. i mean, it's not like i mind other people doing it it's not even that i envy the fun they have doing it, i just have a completely different mindset than most people and thus a completely different approach to sex which for me is much more linked to whatever emotions i have for a person than to the carnal desire to simply fuck. don't get me wrong, i loved having sex, really. i absolutely loved having a sex life. but i am inable to act like my friends do, just pick up some girl at a bar, fuck her, be done with it. strangely enough, most of my friends would not see too big a problem in me fucking a 17-year old (14 is the legal age of consent in germany), but they always mock my celibacy. i always tell them to go fuck themselves. it's not something i chose. just happened.
god, i sound like such a pussy.
I am in the same boat with you when it comes to why I have sex. I strive for that emotional companionship in the girl I'm with. Sex is great and all, but its more satisfying when its with a person you truly care for. I don't like casual sex, generally I have sex with a girl that I want to have a meaningful relationship with. Granted I haven't been celibate since I broke up with my last serious girlfriend, each partner I had since her (except 1) I had at least a short relationship with where I did care for her (the last girl I was with, I'm in a "complicated" relationship with but I strive to build something if possible). But I feel as if I'm using the girl if I just have sex with her and part ways after.
it's a bit more complicated for me actually. mainly because i expect the girl to have a similar approach to sex, and somehow the girls that do are often the opposite in character to me. pretty much all the girls i met who thought among similar lines had jack shit in common with me except that, and it's actually funny because my approach to most things is fairly hedonistic, it's just sex where i'm for some reason not.
i don't know, i'm tired, really frustrated because the drug i consumed tonight did absolutely nothing even though it should have, and frustrated in general because i have the feeling that finding someone again will prove to be incredibly hard. even if i overcome all the mistrust i feel, the combination of traits i desire in a woman are rarely encountered all in the same person and if i should meet someone like that chances are good she'd just not be interested in me.
hell, i'm really depressed right now. i probably should go to bed. but really this whole meeting women thing is just so... difficult and depressing. that i'm oversensetive when it comes to rejection surely doesn't help either.
i don't know, i'm tired, really frustrated because the drug i consumed tonight did absolutely nothing even though it should have, and frustrated in general because i have the feeling that finding someone again will prove to be incredibly hard. even if i overcome all the mistrust i feel, the combination of traits i desire in a woman are rarely encountered all in the same person and if i should meet someone like that chances are good she'd just not be interested in me.
hell, i'm really depressed right now. i probably should go to bed. but really this whole meeting women thing is just so... difficult and depressing. that i'm oversensetive when it comes to rejection surely doesn't help either.
Lysis
Bluelighter
Wow, xxxyyy. That's horrible. I was dumped by a guy who dumped me the day after I got fired..the reason I got fired? For seeing him, because "I should know better." LOL Oh, good times. I look back and laugh on it, and we actually saw each other a few times after that, but yeah, sometimes people don't have the greatest timing.
I'm sorry you're so frustrated and upset. I don't blame you at all. That's a tough thing to deal with.
i against i
Bluelighter
pretty odd, this was probably the least brutal break up ever but it was just really odd. she was obviously hurting about something but wouldn't say. then i got really drunk, didn't really do anything bad besides being paralyzed. haven't really spoken since. i wish we would just cuz she was awesome. but other things, psycho ex's, don't really matter as much because, well, they are psycho, better off without.
64tf
Bluelighter
That would be the divorce. Tried to make it work for a long time, and couldn't. Since we have a daughter we have to talk to each other so I can't just right it off like I've done in previous break ups. This is one I'll weather for life.
indicameds
Bluelighter
This thread hits home right now. Im setting in my living room watching cartoons with my daughter who is looking more and more like her mother every day. And I was with her mother since I was 11, my daughter is 8 now and me going back and fourth to prison and other shit has caused us to seperate. Im missing her more and more everyday, I still have the love of my daughter which is the most important thing. But I want my family back. I kills me to have to take my daughter home, she should be home. We should all 3 be sitting here watching cartoons while I cook us all breakfast and figure out the plans for the day.
Cohesion
Bluelighter
The worst heartbreak I ever suffered through was losing custody of my daughter.
It has been 14 months. Society has reprimanded me and provided opportunity for me to rehabilitate myself. I did the work.
By the end of the summer I will be able to proudly stand and say:
"The lioness has rejoined her cub and all is well in the jungle".
It has been 14 months. Society has reprimanded me and provided opportunity for me to rehabilitate myself. I did the work.
By the end of the summer I will be able to proudly stand and say:
"The lioness has rejoined her cub and all is well in the jungle".
BabyGurl3171
Bluelighter
When my first child, a son Matthew, died.
Watchin my other son now dyin with the same genetic disorder, he's 11.
And of course when I had to leave my husband.
Fuck life. It's been nothin but heart ache since day 1.
Watchin my other son now dyin with the same genetic disorder, he's 11.
And of course when I had to leave my husband.
Fuck life. It's been nothin but heart ache since day 1.
Perpetual Indulgence
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Jun 13, 2004
- Messages
- 20,518
^oh my gosh my heart aches reading this
puts my heartbreak in tight perspective
could be worse is one of my mantras don't let it be but I am not sure how I could work that idea into your life
puts my heartbreak in tight perspective
could be worse is one of my mantras don't let it be but I am not sure how I could work that idea into your life
god, some of your stories make me sound like a huge whiny bitch compared.... shit, i'm really sorry for all of you and wish you all the best.
yeah, i know that mean sweet fuck all, but what else is there to say? if there's a god than he enjoys nothing more than humans suffering.
unfortunately i have no sage advice, because i fucked up really grandly after that breakup.
for three weeks after that i slept on the floor because i couldn't bear to be in the bed i shared with her so long.
what still frightens me is that you have absolutely zero control in these situations. like a car crash viewed in excruciating slow motion. you know it'll happen, but there's nothing you can do.
yeah, i know that mean sweet fuck all, but what else is there to say? if there's a god than he enjoys nothing more than humans suffering.
unfortunately i have no sage advice, because i fucked up really grandly after that breakup.
for three weeks after that i slept on the floor because i couldn't bear to be in the bed i shared with her so long.
what still frightens me is that you have absolutely zero control in these situations. like a car crash viewed in excruciating slow motion. you know it'll happen, but there's nothing you can do.
BabyGurl3171
Bluelighter
^oh my gosh my heart aches reading this
puts my heartbreak in tight perspective
could be worse is one of my mantras don't let it be but I am not sure how I could work that idea into your life
You're actually right & I say it too.. It could be worse. My lil man tears at my heart each & everyday but I got to have children. Some never know that feelin no matter how baldly they want it..
As for the comment on God..man, I'm TORN! I was such a believer but I really question shit anymore. Why let a child be born you know will suffer/die? Why does it seem, IMHO, that some people are destined for hell their entire lives? None of it makes sense to me anymore. I still believe in God but man, I have some massive anger & lots of questions!
VanWeyden
Bluelighter
The worst breakup of my life was half a year ago. We got together when we were 18, half a year before high school ended. We even were like best friends for three years before. Most of the people said that it wouldn't last, but we were together for 6 years...
It was always kind of a double-edged relationship, on one hand we were total opposite characters and would end up in mad fights (I mean like really mad, our landlord was about to call the police a few times) and dragged each other down, but on the other we had times we were so freaking happy together it was unbelievable. When we looked at each other it was pure magic.
after three years we moved in together which made the fights worse. We kind of drifted apart, both studied a lot for uni and worked hard, and I got into drugs badly. Me becoming an addict tore her to pieces, she suffered madly, but she stood by me all the time, even when I couldn't handle it anymore and went to detox and rehab. That was a hard time but we both hoped that it would work out somehow.
On month after I returned from rehab I relapsed the first night I was alone in our flat. I managed to stop after one drug fueled night but she was so exhausted after all that had been that she couldn't take it anymore. I felt freaking bad about that, too, and at that time I felt so unstable that I couldn't tell her that it wouldn't happen again.
We evaluated our past and had to admit that it propably wouldn't work out and decided to break up. The last week together we reminisced about the years we spent together, the mistakes we made and the good times we shared, we laughed and cried and laughed and cried, and then, one day before christmas eve, 23th december, it was finally over.
We are still friends and there are no hard feelings, but it hurts so ducking hard. Hell, even now, after half a year I sit here and cry while typing this!
It was always kind of a double-edged relationship, on one hand we were total opposite characters and would end up in mad fights (I mean like really mad, our landlord was about to call the police a few times) and dragged each other down, but on the other we had times we were so freaking happy together it was unbelievable. When we looked at each other it was pure magic.
after three years we moved in together which made the fights worse. We kind of drifted apart, both studied a lot for uni and worked hard, and I got into drugs badly. Me becoming an addict tore her to pieces, she suffered madly, but she stood by me all the time, even when I couldn't handle it anymore and went to detox and rehab. That was a hard time but we both hoped that it would work out somehow.
On month after I returned from rehab I relapsed the first night I was alone in our flat. I managed to stop after one drug fueled night but she was so exhausted after all that had been that she couldn't take it anymore. I felt freaking bad about that, too, and at that time I felt so unstable that I couldn't tell her that it wouldn't happen again.
We evaluated our past and had to admit that it propably wouldn't work out and decided to break up. The last week together we reminisced about the years we spent together, the mistakes we made and the good times we shared, we laughed and cried and laughed and cried, and then, one day before christmas eve, 23th december, it was finally over.
We are still friends and there are no hard feelings, but it hurts so ducking hard. Hell, even now, after half a year I sit here and cry while typing this!
GarageFlower
Bluelighter
When my girlfriend of nearly 4 years finished me for fuck all.......was fucking wounded and depressed. Didn't eat for weeks.
Took me a goof few months to get over her but now looking back it's the best thing thats happened, I'm back with an older ex now (from years ago when we were kids 13/14yo) and she's HOT as fuck!
Took me a goof few months to get over her but now looking back it's the best thing thats happened, I'm back with an older ex now (from years ago when we were kids 13/14yo) and she's HOT as fuck!
namctx
Greenlighter
haha that's pretty much my story. except with my best friend instead of three random guys, 4 years not 4.5, and didnt get laid till 2 years later. GO US!
god, i miss MDMA
Eyes On the Roll
Bluelighter
First and only heart break I had was with my girlfriend from ages 17-19. She screwed me over big time. I guess I deserved it, cause there is a really low ceiling to how much I can love, and I really couldn't match up to how much she loved me. It really messed with me though. What she did to me and my trust inspired a deep seated inner cynicism, and a bitterness towards just about everyone in the world. Since we broke up, which was almost 3 years ago, I have not come close to letting anyone else in, and don't plan on it. I'm not going through that shit again, it was so hard. That feeling of betrayal, of going your whole life as a lone wolf, and finally letting someone in.. who in the end fucks you over.. is just unbearable.
The last time Anakin and Padme speak to each other reminds me sooo much the end of our relationship. "You're breaking my heart! You're going down a path I can't follow!". She said those exact words to me, and it didn't phase me at the time cause I didn't understand... but now everything is all too clear. Everytime I watch this scene it strikes me so hard, in my core.. about how I messed up, and ruined my one shot at companionship. I havesince realized I'm destined to be alone. There's also a heavy resemblance between her and padme and myself and anakin. It's almost like this scene was made just to show me from a 3rd person point of view what I did wrong. It makes me sad every time I watch that scene, here it is.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tfX01lURXFk
The last time Anakin and Padme speak to each other reminds me sooo much the end of our relationship. "You're breaking my heart! You're going down a path I can't follow!". She said those exact words to me, and it didn't phase me at the time cause I didn't understand... but now everything is all too clear. Everytime I watch this scene it strikes me so hard, in my core.. about how I messed up, and ruined my one shot at companionship. I havesince realized I'm destined to be alone. There's also a heavy resemblance between her and padme and myself and anakin. It's almost like this scene was made just to show me from a 3rd person point of view what I did wrong. It makes me sad every time I watch that scene, here it is.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tfX01lURXFk
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Jean-Paul
Bluelighter
it was a slow deterioration. my anxiety increased to the point where i could barely make it to my shitty two part time jobs, and i definitely couldn't go out looking for anything better. i couldn't pay my rent and had to move somewhere else with roommates. i spent more and more time online and hated even seeing my roommates. i lost one of those jobs. i started drinking all day. weeping to elliott smith and the smiths, etc.when it finally officially ended, i used heroin for the first time. moved across the country while homeless, was homeless in different cities. took up heroin again. was a junkie in portland. almost died many times. more beyond that but it sums it up pretty well. further downward spiral but from those later events, but the break up spawned it. hit rock bottom, still climbing up.
it's been two and half years. sometimes i think i'm over it, but i think i will always love him in some way. saw him on okcupid the other day and my reaction was a lot of screaming and guffaws and wanting to throw up.
it's been two and half years. sometimes i think i'm over it, but i think i will always love him in some way. saw him on okcupid the other day and my reaction was a lot of screaming and guffaws and wanting to throw up.