Worried I'm falling into a downward spiral...

[SomethingWitty123]

My whole life at the moment is fucked up...so it would make sense that I would try to self medicate. I've been messing around with lots of drugs: LSD, ketamine, 2-ce, weed, opiates basically wanting to do anything possible to get away from my reality. Hallucinogens especially appeal to me because they basically fuck your whole experience of reality which is just what I'm looking for. And I'm not the kind of guy to shy away from k-hole/extreme doses; I once did about 150mg ket for my first time, added on 40mg 2-ce AND three tabs of acid. It's far too much I know but I just sort of watched myself do it as if I was out of control.

When I was at an extremely low point, I took 40mg oxycodone, 3-5ml GHB, a quarter of a litre of vodka and three ciders and 14mg Xanax because I didn't really care about the consequences. I woke up in hospital and apparently I'd been blacked out and found by someone on the street. If it had been an hour later, I may have died.

Since then, my drug use hasn't stopped sadly. I still find myself craving benzodiazepines, Valium in particular, since it helps me sleep and lasts into the next day. In fact, I just took 20mg right now because I'm trying to get to sleep after going on a ket binge...I may have a problem developing here.

I try to avoid taking the Valium as much as possible but this last week I broke my rule of only taking them once a week AT MOST. Only because I went overboard with drugs like LSD and ket and needed something to bring me back to earth. I did an outrageous dose of 40mg after a particularly bad trip because I was terrified of it never ending.

Basically, my question is: do I have a problem here? Addiction is defined as the dependence on a substance to deal with problems and based on that I would say I'm an addict. I'm not a daily user, but I get cravings and when I do dose it's very OTT (usually 30-50mg) because I want to just knock myself out to get through another day. This is really not good.

This may be of some relevance, but I was recently diagnosed with emotionally unstable personality disorder and I know that substance abuse is very common in people who suffer with this. I do feel like I'm getting out of control and I want to stop because I know the devastating withdrawals benzodiazepines have but its all about short term gain overpowering long term loss. I don't know what to do ...I fear my reckless dosing and pushing my body to its limits will eventually lead to me OD'ing again because honestly...I don't give a shit anymore. I need help, it's hard to maintain a public image, I fear that im looking more and more like that bleary eyed, washed out junkie whenever I go out, and I got that slurry, spaced out thing going on this days. I know I'm definitely not at crisis point but I'm treading a dangerous path here and I don't know what to do.

 

[herbavore]

I think you know the answer to your question--but it goes deeper than drugs and probably deeper than a diagnosis of such a vague disorder (who amongst us is NOT emotionally unstable at certain points in our lives?!) You are unhappy with reality as you see it and live it. So, it may appear to make sense to try to constantly alter it with substances but what about truly altering it from the inside out? You are in very real danger of dying and even though I hear in your words that you "don't give a shit" under your words I feel that you do. Keep searching but search deeper. Maybe explore where meditation may take you. I hope that you will find enough hope to reach out for some help (kudos for doing just that here on BL). Don't worry about the public image--it's the image you present to yourself and how you judge it that really matters. The world can be a cold and dismal place and your struggle can feel like yours alone. But we live in an epidemic of loneliness and disconnection from ourselves and from each other. Look to others that are struggling and reach out a hand--it can transform your own world.

 

[closeau]

Yeah, i agree with herbavore. I think you care. I really have no advice. If you feel you have a problem, tell anybody you trust and help is out there. Way to come out here and tell your story. Thanks. It helps me?

 

[Moreaux]

Hi SomethingWitty123 - you say you're not in crisis but I can't help but to feel you are. Those combinations and quantities are outrageous, and even if it's not an everyday occurrence, indicate that you are in immediate need for help. You need to think long and hard over specific feelings and events which lead up to you doing those drugs. I think you need to write down your thoughts as you consider what lead up to it, as it will help you have a discussion with your psychiatrist. I wouldn't be too concerned about whatever diagnosis that they come up with right now because of a couple of reasons. First, you need help, and second, the doctor won't be able to separate out what is remnants from the drug use and what issues are indigenous. A valid diagnosis can be made over time when you are drug free, so again, don't worry to much about the initial diagnosis. I think you priority should be figuring out what is driving you to use, and why you want to escape reality to that level. Once you figure that out the drug use will probably be a nonissue.

As far as addiction, if you continue to use drugs to take a break from stress or pain from reality, odds are in your favour that you will become an addict, particularly if you are using opiates and/ or benzos. Your threshold for dealing with stress with continue to decrease as you use drugs for a break, making it more and more difficult to stay sober.

I'm sorry you are going through this. I hope you can get a handle on it and start feeling better. Good luck!

 

[closeau]

Thats a really good post benzogirl. To make a proper diagnosis the patient has to be drug free for a while. It took me 25 yrs of drinking and 10 in recovery before i finally quit. Now i have chronic pain and im addicted to opiates. These things will suck the life out of you. All drugs will. So like she said ya gotta figure whats driving you to use so much. The answer lies in you!!! Were with you