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Worried About Sober Friend

C

Coolgirl2014

Bluelighter
Joined
Feb 18, 2016
Messages
56
This is going to be a bit lengthy please bear with me as I could really use advice.

So here is the situation, I have a male friend who has been clean from heroin and painkillers (main drugs of choice) and all other substances for 6 months. However recently I have found out that he has been drinking. Sometimes during the day. I can't talk to any friends about this because unfortunately they all live for gossip and can't trust it not to get back to him that I broke his trust.

Within the past couple months he moved in with a girl, actually my friend that's how they met. They had only been dating for like a month but she can be very pushy.. Since moving in he has started going to meetings less, sometimes not at all. She doesn't believe in his meetings she thinks they are time wasted that he should be spending with her and her kids. She has two kids and expects him to play daddy and put their needs above all else.

She also felt he wasn't making enough at his job doing electrical so made him switch to something with driving trucks. It pays better but it has long hours and he hates it. He's told me several times.

I'm afraid he's not happy but afraid to do anything about it because he doesn't want to hurt anyone. And now he's compensating by drinking more and more. Is there a chance of him relapsing? Should I be worried? I've tried talking to him but he will only give me a little and then clam right up. I guess he's afraid of me going back to his gf since we are friends but I would never do that.
 
Unfortunately, he is a big boy and there's really nothing you can do. Maybe a gentle reminder that this is not his wife and not his children. He doesn't owe anybody but himself anything. It's ok to move on if he isn't happy. Remind him to think for himself!
 
Thanks for your reply. It just puts me in such an awkward position anyway since both the gf and him are my friends. Maybe I'll have my boyfriend talk to him see if he opens up at all. They have been becoming closer.
 
I appreciate your concern for your friend. Personally in my recovery, I tended to relapse when I was unhappy and really stressed. I think you are right to be concerned for your friend. New relationships are very stressful by themselves, however his situation seems even more so. He didn't just take on the role of boyfriend, it sounds as though her kids are being forced upon him as well, which is a very complicated and stressful element. Add into the equation that the mother is demanding, and already forcing him to make big life changes that he isn't happy about (job change, no meetings, kids), and I think it is a recipe for disaster.

By forcing him to change jobs and quit meetings, she is denying him both a comfort zone and parts of his identity. He needs to be able to maintain his recovery with what works for him, meetings in this case, and she is preventing him from progressing further in his recovery. I suspect she may also be the type of person who believes that addicts are instantly cured, and since he is not actively using, he doesn't need to waste time or resources on it any longer. He needs to be able to speak openly about his trials and tribulations with recovery, and she sounds dismissive. She is also isolating him from being able to communicate with other addicts in recovery, who are great resources for maintaining sobriety when times are difficult. If the girlfriend is not an addict, then she cannot relate to what he is going through, and that can put your friend under even more stress.

As for the job change, imo she basically said you are not good enough so you need to change careers to be at an acceptable level, which is damaging to your friend immediately and while he continues to maintain the job he hates. Your friend no longer has any time to focus on his recovery, and I bet now he feels trapped and obligated. It's a really tough situation for him, and very unfair to him. It's not healthy for him to be in a relationship with someone who does not accept him for what and who he is, and can definately push him back into and perhaps deeper into addiction.

Personally, I think your friend would be better off alone than with this woman. The fact that he is drinking is a huge red flag that he needs to be proactive and take back his life. As for the drinking, it may lead to him going back to his original drug of choice, or he may also become an alcoholic. Of course, there is a chance that he may not go back into active addiction, but statistics are not in his favor especially considering his current circumstance. Alcoholism can be just as deadly and devastating as a heroin addiction, so one is not better than the other and he needs to be careful with his drinking. Ideally, he should really end the relationship and focus on getting himself healthy because he still is a lot of work to do in that area. It would be easier for all involved that he leave her now rather than later. He has no obligation to her or her kids, and she may manipulate him into thinking that they are dependent on him which is not fair to him. Also, those kids already have fathers, it is not his duty to be a father to them. What his girlfriend is doing to him and his recovery is very selfish and potentially damaging to both him and her kids, and is totally avoidable.

Your friend needs to put himself first if he wants a chance at a healthy normal life. Also, you are doing the right thing by not talking to others in your circle of friends as if he feels that you breached his trust, he may sever ties wiling you. If he feels like everyone is judging him, he may isolate further and become even more emotionally dependent on his girlfriend, falling further down the rabbit hole. You may want to talk to your friend and express concerns, but most importantly do not judge him or his feelings, and be there to support him. Ultimately, it is his decision.
 
Thank you for your response it was very long and informative, exactly what I was looking for. He definitely loves the kids, they are wonderful kids, but I feel like he shouldn't be sacrificing all his time for them. As you said they have their own father and their mother.

The girlfriend definitely does not understand addiction. She was under the impression that once he reached he twelve steps that was it he could drink smoke weed do whatever he wanted again. I've tried talking to her about addiction, not his addiction specifically because i didn't want to come off as though we were gossiping about him, but addiction in general. I've tried to make her understand how once you are an addict that craving never really goes away. That it's not the same as giving up soda or candy or something to lose weight. That it's not about willpower, no matter how strong your will power is you are always susceptible to relapse. I tried to explain to her the complex factors of addiction. But she just blows it off. She rolls her eyes whenever his meetings or something about his addiction comes up.

She is definitely a controlling girlfriend. I'm not sure what happened to make her this way but she needs to have control over everything her boyfriend does or she feels like he may leave. I know she told him she wants him to get her pregnant and have a baby within this year. I just feel like this is not a good idea. He's only 25 and trying to get his life together he doesn't need a new baby to throw into the mix. And I feel like she is the type of girl to like lie about birth control or something and get pregnant on purpose and trap him.
 
How many baby daddies does she have? She sounds awful! No wonder she can't keep a man! She drives them away! Hopefully he opens his eyes and sees that she wants to trap him. Maybe you should talk to her. Remind her trapping a man will not work and she should know or the other daddies would be with her! Also bring up her control issues and she should not be putting all this pressure on a newly recovered addict. He relapses and she has another mouth to feed. Hate to say it but she sounds like she is the type to spit one out every 4 yrs for welfare purposes. So maybe the cost if a child doesn't impact her. Im gonna stop now bc once I get started about this topic i cant stop! So frustrating
 
My3sons said:
How many baby daddies does she have? She sounds awful! No wonder she can't keep a man! She drives them away! Hopefully he opens his eyes and sees that she wants to trap him. Maybe you should talk to her. Remind her trapping a man will not work and she should know or the other daddies would be with her! Also bring up her control issues and she should not be putting all this pressure on a newly recovered addict. He relapses and she has another mouth to feed. Hate to say it but she sounds like she is the type to spit one out every 4 yrs for welfare purposes. So maybe the cost if a child doesn't impact her. Im gonna stop now bc once I get started about this topic i cant stop! So frustrating
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I somehow doubt that will go over well. Dude is a grown man and is making grown man decisions. He is choosing her over his own happiness and he is the only one who can stop doing that. OP getting involved will likely result in OP getiing cut out of there lives.
 
fuck that girl. Wanting another kid!? That's crazy. She already has a man that isn't the father taking care of ones she already has.
I hate women like this. She needs to learn to stand on her own two feet. No woman needs a man to take care of her.

That being said (was my opinion) I will have to go with what crimsonjunk said. The only thing you can do is either accept that this is the state of affairs because it is not your place to interfere in others lives, or you can interfere and possibly create a different, unwelcome, dynamic in his life.
 
I'm pretty sure her issues with men come from being cheated on in the past. So now she feels she has to control them in order to have a successful relationship. Unfortunately his recovery is suffering as a side effect to this. I'm uncomfortable approaching her about her relationship. She is very touchy when it comes to giving her advice about her boyfriends. And I'm not very good at confrontation so I feel like I wouldn't be able to make much of an impact. I've known her for a long time and there's always been a bit of competition on her side when it comes to guys. She would be jealous of guys showing more interest in me then her. Mainly because I'm more laid back and easy to approach then her. So if I went to her she wouldn't see it as me trying to help my friend she would probably think I was trying to sabotage their relationship or something. Which obviously isn't the case. I'm engaged to be married and truly want her to be as happy as me. But unfortunately her jealousy and competition makes her unable to understand that. She's never been happy for me being in a good relationship just bitter and jealous. I've always wondered if there were some underlying mental issues going on with her.
 
you can't change other people, all you can do is voice your opinion and then change to accept their decisions. Generally voicing an opinion unsolicited will not be helpful.
 
Have to agree with the you there. If I try and get involved and they end up staying together I'm going to look like the bad guy.
 
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