worried about myself - alcohol, anger and a path of increasing self destruction...

[Weldon]

Hey all. This is my first post to the dark side (I'm an irregular bluelight user), and I thought it might help me get some advice on my situation.

Right now I'm coming off a binge of 10 or more beers today, which I started at around 10.30am and finished about 5.45pm. It's now 1am here (Australia) and I'm somewhat sober. However, I've quit/been fired from my job as I was meant to work at 6pm but never showed up as I was wasted, didn't call and my phone has been off since. This is the 3rd time I've done the same thing recently, and as such I've made the decision never to return to my workplace. More worryingly, after drinking I returned back to my house (which I live in with my girlfriend) and proceeded to get extremely angry and violent, smashing an iphone, my playstation remote, broke a large mirror and smashed a plate and several other items. I then abused my girlfriend via text (she is currently in another country), had a fight with her then passed out for about two hours. Not sure what else I did as I can't remember. After waking about 3 hours ago I can barely recall breaking anything, but I clearly had as there is glass everywhere and my hand is cut up and bleeding.

As I sober up, I feel guilty, and cannot for the life of me work out why I would do such a thing - yet I've been doing exactly this sort of thing increasingly over the past few months and it seems to be getting worse. It feels like I am battling a split personality. The 'sober me' is rational, intelligent, decent natured etc. while the 'drunk me' is selfish, violent, arrogant and has no limits. When I'm 'sober me', I cannot believe how or why I would ever do the things that 'drunk me' does - yet I do them! Again and again. Does this make any sense to anyone? Yes I know, I'm a weak minded fuck up and maybe that's the simple truth but I still feel I need help, or advice or anything.

It appears that I am heading down a slowly increasing path of self destruction through alcohol abuse, and general negativity and depression. Despite my best efforts at denial, in the past week or so I have come to realise that perhaps I really do have a problem with alcohol, which is actually being fueled by some deeper issues from my past as well as as frustrations with my present situation in life (and life itself in general).

I cannot control my alcohol - no discipline. After 2 or 3 beers, I know I can not stop drinking until I reach the limit of my alcohol consumption (12 or more usually) and have stayed out all night, usually disregarding all efforts from my partner/family to get me to come home. As much as a hate to admit it, I am becoming an increasingly selfish, destructive and potentially dangerous person after I consume alcohol...yet when I sober up after a day or so, I tell myself I won't do it again. This might last 3 or 4 more days, and then I'm back on the alcohol. I want to get back to drinking, but of course I tell myself it's only gonna be a quiet 2 or 3 beers...then repeat the above situation.

I've been thinking bad thoughts after drinking lately too, like hurting myself or other people. I honestly believe that at some point in the future, if I don't work out how to fix what I'm doing right now, I would be capable of extreme violence either against myself or someone else. As I said I often imagine it. It's a kind of nihilistic feeling, just the idea of doing the extreme and feeling nothing...anyone relate to that feeling? It sort of feels powerful, but after I sober up I feel guilty for feeling it. It's coming out now in bits and pieces when I do things like smash mirrors, household items, etc. 'Sober me' does not want it to get worse than that, yet based on a logical progression it probably will get worse.

Anyway does anyone have any similar experience with this sort of thing? Do you have a past or present friend who is like this? What should I do?

 

[PurpleKush1]

Dont drink. \if you really need to get fucked up go with something less destructive go with something more begnin like weed.Some people just exhibit violent traits when they drink, its nothin to worry bout. Youre not alcoholic yet, because 10 beers in almost 12 hours aint that bad. Dont push it. Just stop it, alcohol is one of the shittiest substances to abuse,and it will only get worse. You can Private Meessage me if you need somebody to talk to. ILL be glad to help in the ways i can.

 

[Bearlove]

I could have written this post - most people who have or who have had a problem with an addiction could have written this post. Sober you, thinks wtf am I doing, why would I do that to myself, my friends, my family, my loved ones etc

Then unfortunately the addiction takes over and good sense goes out of the window and you feed the demon until 'it' is happy - as the cycle continues some people start feeling guilty, frustrated and angry at everyone (mainly themselves but easier to take the frustration out on others). This can manifest as violence either to other people, themselves or both.

Were you drinking like this when your GF was with you or have you started since she moved out ?

My advice
IF you have not been fired then don't quit your job - get back and grovel, make something up that you have been really ill, what ever needs to be said to keep your job. Then seek help from a support group or start to reduce the amount your drinking, start later, don't bulk buy etc At the moment your not physically craving alcohol so quitting isn't going to cause you physical injury as it would do for somebody who was heavily drinking. SO if you can't only have one drink, don't have the first one (if it was that easy).

Address the problem you have from your past either through therapy or just get them out in the open (they are not going to go away).

Your not alone with this problem though - you have seen what your doing wrong. Only you can put it right .

I wish you the best of luck

 

[RedRum OG]

when youre in a bad place in life, yes, alcohol can really bring out some nasty shit youve buried. it makes you feel better initially but once you start getting drunk you just become an emotional wreck, and you can do/feel things you would never when sober. many people have this problem, and you are not alone.

the more you drink the more you will feel ashamed and bad about, and the more stuff you feel bad about, the more you drink. this is the horrible cycle of addiction

do everything you can to stay away from alcohol. it sounds like youre not to the point where youre physically dependent. so try everything you can to just stop and stay away from it forever.

alcohol/drugs are a temporary relief that just end up making things worse in the long run. and addiction makes you blind to this.

good luck.

 

[Shadowsblaze]

Bro your post was conceived and written well so I assume your not stupid but rather intelligent. As the poster said keep your job. And clean the mess well, you don't want to loose your girl. I have never been able to quit drinking but have managed self control but that's me. I have been where you are though and caused a lot of misery for myself and others and hence my desire to watch myself carefully. I can't say this is for everyone but for me it helps with my physical pain. I hope you work things out for you and those around you. Keep them in mind.

 

[missmeyet?]

Dont drink. \if you really need to get fucked up go with something less destructive go with something more begnin like weed.Some people just exhibit violent traits when they drink, its nothin to worry bout. Youre not alcoholic yet, because 10 beers in almost 12 hours aint that bad. Dont push it. Just stop it, alcohol is one of the shittiest substances to abuse,and it will only get worse. You can Private Meessage me if you need somebody to talk to. ILL be glad to help in the ways i can.

I totally disagree (respectfully) regarding your statement that he does not have a problem with alcohol yet. There are several things that he mentioned that are classic, typical signs that he has a problem with this drug...
1. First and biggest of all, he says he has absolutely no control over it and that once he has 2 or 3 he cannot stop.
2. The biggest indicator that any drug has become a problem is when it begins to interfere with normal, absolute necessary functions in life...losing a job/missing work excessively due to be effed up. Being abusive to someone he cares about/loves esp. A significant other..when he is not normally that way. If you let a drug come between you and someone you love to that point then its a problem..especially if you still care and would never act that way sober.
3. Having these extreme violent episodes is a problem..he has them only when drinking..therefore drinking is a problem.

OP...could you stop drinking if you wanted to, physically could you do it? Would you have WDs/DTs/physical symptoms? I think the answer to those questions influences the answers

The simple answer is to just stop drinking. I know that is usually easier said than done of course. If you can find a way, I would stop and stay far, far away. If you have no control over how much you drink once you start, yourself or your actions while drinking then there is no happy medium for you I would be afraid. I think only you can decide ultimately what you need to do. Just don't let it destroy who you are, your life or those you love. If you can nip it in the bud now maybe it will be easier than once you have went down that path.

 

[neversickanymore]

Hey Weldon.. welcome to blue light First off you are not even close to a "weak minded fuck up" ... Alcohol is in my opinion the "hardest" drug of all. If I were to list all the amazing people who have had to face this challenge it would swallow my time for years. But it would include E Hemingway, Alexander the Great.. and the booze killed them both and neither were week minded at all. Our addictions live in our mind, so the smarter we are the smarter our addiction is.

I also know of no drug that puts rational thinking to sleep so significantly or any other drug that makes us act like such idiots. Another significant thing that alcohol does is that it doesn't allow us to ever deal with the psychological things we are supposed to. If we experience an unpleasant emotion it is telling us that we need to identify and deal with whatever is causing this emotion. this clearly doesn't happen with a heavy drinker. I worked I a bar for a while and I would see the same heavy drinkers come in night after night. They would be stuck in a loop because of the alcohol. They would tell the same sad emotional stories every night. I am talking the exact same stories of how this partner did this and broke their heart or this happened to them. The thing is that story would only come out when they were wasted because it was seemingly to unpleasant to deal with sober. And because it came out then they never were able to deal with it correctly and heal from it a proper psychological manor.

The result is that they kept it with them and to it they added all the new emotional things that happened to them on top of it. So as time went by and they never dealt with any of this they stacked up mountains of of this baggage. All that baggage they were carrying would come to the surface with decent amounts of alcohol. The anger and frustration from that undealt with baggage combined with the alcohol affects on reason and judgment is a good theory as to why heavy drinkers will experience heavy bouts of violence and destruction.

I think you have come to the end of the road for enjoyable unproblematic drinking. You now need to find a way to heal yourself from its wounds and to facilitate a happy and enjoyable life free from the alcohol.

Have you thought of any ways you want to approach this?

Alcoholism is a strong thing, but there are allot of people who make it out and live amazing lives.

 

[Shadowsblaze]

Our addictions live in are mind, so the smarter we are the smarter are addiction is. A thoughtful statement, one I'll remember NSA.

 

[Weldon]

Dont drink.

Definitely, and I can usually manage a few days without drinking, especially if I have work/uni stuff to do or am otherwise distracted. At some point though I'll wander into any one of the multitude of pubs/bars and start drinking. I've also heard from my partner (who has had alcohol problems in the past) that drinkers can't really 'stop', but they can only control their problem? Not sure about that.

 

[Weldon]

Were you drinking like this when your GF was with you or have you started since she moved out ?

She hasn't moved out, but if visiting someone overseas until Monday. I've gone off on a few alcohol binges when she was here though yes, and it's led her to be pretty stressed and worried. She's decided to support to as she has had even worse problems with alcohol just a few years ago, has been to AA, counseling and all that. However, she probably has a breaking point and I think a couple more alcohol fueled episodes might get her to finally end it. She has asked me to not contact her again while she's away, so I am giving her space until she returns - I believe she will call me on Monday and we will talk.

If you have not been fired then don't quit your job - get back and grovel, make something up that you have been really ill, what ever needs to be said to keep your job.

Yeah, I'm considering going in tomorrow and talking to the manager, and perhaps saying I need some time off or something. To clarify, it's only a casual hospitality job working as a bartender/gaming attendant. I don't like my job, but perhaps I should try and salvage it even if its just to keep making a little money each week...it's probably a bit unfair on all the other employees to simply never turn up again.

Address the problem you have from your past either through therapy or just get them out in the open (they are not going to go away).

I do need to learn how to talk about things rather than letting them stay inside me and projecting an image of 'happiness' to everyone around me. This is basically what I've been doing for years, and as such no one until very recently knew I had any issues. Except for my girlfriend...

 

[Shadowsblaze]

I can offer the advice that if your going to try to control it, bars have to be avoided. It was biggest threat to drinking moderately for me. I love playing pool and I could drink all night for free. Getting better as the night went on, especially pulling off more bank shots the more I drank.

 

[Weldon]

And clean the mess well, you don't want to loose your girl. I have never been able to quit drinking but have managed self control but that's me.

Thanks for the advice...I've spent the last three hours cleaning and things are looking pretty nice now. Except there a big empty space on the wall where a mirror used to be (I think she'll notice). Whether or not I can totally quit is questionable. In an ideal world, I would be able to simply drink 'responsibly', having a few beers with mates or whatever but not going overboard or drinking on my own. It's hypothetically possible...but it may be that I need to fully stop for a few months and get my head straight first.

 

[Shadowsblaze]

Your the only one to make that decision and if you stop and fall off the wagon just pick up the pieces like your doing now and start over. Look for a mirror at garage sales tomorrow. Or flea market.

 

[Weldon]

Also, thanks to everyone that has replied I haven't had time to respond to everything yet but I will. Thanks

 

[Weldon]

It's funny, even right now as I type this, I once again feel like drinking despite yesterday's fuck up...there's not much to drink here but a bottle of jager next to me and I just want to have a quick couple of shots! I know I shouldn't!
Also after yesterday it actually feels like I have this new sense of freedom - it's like I've burnt the final bridge in turns of my employment, finally I don't have to work that crappy job anymore...it's like for once I was actually being real rather than turning up to work and pretending to like it? I think there was so much underlying frustration with my job that perhaps what happened was inevitable. Like the logical conclusion? I'm not saying what I did was right, but perhaps it wasn't as 'wrong' as I was thinking at the start. I'm still a dick for doing it though, I realise that.
And on the same level, perhaps there is so much underlying frustration with my relationship that I've just reached a point of saying 'fuck it' then going out to drink or whatever? Obviously the people reading this don't know me personally so its hard to say I guess...I'm not asking for the truth about myself or to get sympathy but I feel like I need to just vent how I'm feeling at the moment!

 

[Bearlove]

^man I fancy a drink 24hours a day 7 days a week :D - having the urge to drink after a bender is natural (hair of the dog) just a few shots to take the edge off etc is a bad sign and an early warning sign. If you do it now you will feel the 'edge' coming back earlier and earlier until your drinking all day just to feel 'normal'.

Fuck being real / pretending to like a job - you need income, be fake / hate every second of your job but do it anyway - it pays the bills and in the mean time look for something you actually want to do / what you will enjoy. A routine (even a shit one) is much better for you than no routine as if your not working then you have no reason to goto bed early, if your not going to bed early you can have a couple of extra drinks, couple of extra drinks at night means you will need a few extra shots the following day to feel normal and it will just spiral out of control.

There is no magic fix for this (I know) but at some point you have to take control of the situation - your in a very lucky position as you still have a job / partner that is willing to support you (and understands what your going through).

Keep going the way your going you will have neither and you will soon see your life being pissed down the drain.

Your not physically addicted, stopping will not kill you as it would do with an alcoholic.

 

[PurpleKush1]

I totally disagree (respectfully) regarding your statement that he does not have a problem with alcohol yet. There are several things that he mentioned that are classic, typical signs that he has a problem with this drug...
1. First and biggest of all, he says he has absolutely no control over it and that once he has 2 or 3 he cannot stop.
2. The biggest indicator that any drug has become a problem is when it begins to interfere with normal, absolute necessary functions in life...losing a job/missing work excessively due to be effed up. Being abusive to someone he cares about/loves esp. A significant other..when he is not normally that way. If you let a drug come between you and someone you love to that point then its a problem..especially if you still care and would never act that way sober.
3. Having these extreme violent episodes is a problem..he has them only when drinking..therefore drinking is a problem.

OP...could you stop drinking if you wanted to, physically could you do it? Would you have WDs/DTs/physical symptoms? I think the answer to those questions influences the answers

The simple answer is to just stop drinking. I know that is usually easier said than done of course. If you can find a way, I would stop and stay far, far away. If you have no control over how much you drink once you start, yourself or your actions while drinking then there is no happy medium for you I would be afraid. I think only you can decide ultimately what you need to do. Just don't let it destroy who you are, your life or those you love. If you can nip it in the bud now maybe it will be easier than once you have went down that path.

He is not alcoholic yet, If you consider what he does alcoholism then you havent seen a real alcoholic. He is on th epath to become one though. I know alot of people including myself who are violent and act like assholes when they are drunk. For some reason it brings out the worst in some people. Secondly you can learn to contol the violent episodes as call them. I drinnk everyday and i can just fulsh the bad thoughts out of my mind and focus on something positive. It took some time but still.

Being alcohlic is not drink alot every few days, its waking up and shaking so bad you have trouble to drink the liquor you need in order to be bettter. Its drinking from morning to night every day. Not being able to stop even for one day. If he doesnt have all that and other things he is not one yet. Some people can drink resposnibly and others cant. Itdepends on the person...

Definitely, and I can usually manage a few days without drinking, especially if I have work/uni stuff to do or am otherwise distracted. At some point though I'll wander into any one of the multitude of pubs/bars and start drinking. I've also heard from my partner (who has had alcohol problems in the past) that drinkers can't really 'stop', but they can only control their problem? Not sure about that.

It depends. Is there another substance you ejnoy that is softer then alcohol? Weed, psychedelics, MDMA? If you need to be unsober from time to time like it seems try to use something else. There are alot of wonderful sbustances out there, way less addicting and destructing then alcohol. Some people can control it, some cant. I suggest you just drop it if you can. Focus on something else, uni,your gf, or replace it with someting more begnin. Do you like weed? If so you ouldsmoke every few days instead of drinking. ITs definitly better.

 

[nuttynutskin]

Are you sure it's just alcohol because 10 beers in over 7 hours doesn't sound like anything to me. But then again I'm an alcoholic. I'd say if you have that little control then like others have said just stay away. I've drank shitloads, and said things I regretted during blackouts, but never got physical or broke things.

 

[PriestTheyCalledHim]

I totally disagree (respectfully) regarding your statement that he does not have a problem with alcohol yet. There are several things that he mentioned that are classic, typical signs that he has a problem with this drug...
1. First and biggest of all, he says he has absolutely no control over it and that once he has 2 or 3 he cannot stop.
2. The biggest indicator that any drug has become a problem is when it begins to interfere with normal, absolute necessary functions in life...losing a job/missing work excessively due to be effed up. Being abusive to someone he cares about/loves esp. A significant other..when he is not normally that way. If you let a drug come between you and someone you love to that point then its a problem..especially if you still care and would never act that way sober.
3. Having these extreme violent episodes is a problem..he has them only when drinking..therefore drinking is a problem.

I agree with your post.

The OP wrote about passing out, blacking out, and binge drinking and these are the classic signs of alcoholism. When normal people who do not have an issue with alcohol drink or get drunk they don't drink to the point of passing out, blacking out, or binge drink a lot all at once and just have 1-2 drinks or maybe 3 in the course of an evening and don't get raging drunk, violent, abusive, throw tantrums, puke, black out or pass out.

He is not alcoholic yet, If you consider what he does alcoholism then you havent seen a real alcoholic.

Being alcohlic is not drink alot every few days, its waking up and shaking so bad you have trouble to drink the liquor you need in order to be bettter. Its drinking from morning to night every day. Not being able to stop even for one day. If he doesnt have all that and other things he is not one yet.

It's entirely possible for a person to be an alcoholic but not be physically addicted to alcohol, and you don't have to drink everyday either. But some people who are the type of alcoholic I posted about below don't realize it and continue to abuse alcohol for decades, and get physically addicted to it.

This is the type of alcoholic most people are:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/High-functioning_alcoholic

1. Drinking patterns

When they have one drink, they experience a craving to have more and cannot predict what their alcohol intake will be
They obsess about the next time they will be able to drink alcohol
They behave in ways that are not characteristic of themselves while drunk and continue to repeat these behaviors and patterns
Surround themselves socially with heavy drinkers
Getting drunk before arriving at social engagements
Setting drinking limits (e.g., only having three drinks, only drinking three days per week) and not being able to adhere to them
Driving drunk and not getting arrested or involved in an accident
Always having to finish an alcoholic beverage or even another person's unfinished beverage
Using alcohol as a reward
Having memory lapse due to excessive drinking (blackouts)
Taking breaks from drinking and then increasing alcohol consumption when they resume drinking after a long period of time
Not being able to imagine their life without alcohol in it

2. Denial

Have difficulty viewing themselves as alcoholics because they do not fit the stereotypical image and because they feel their lives are manageable
Avoid recovery help

3. Professional and personal life

Well respected for job/academic performance and accomplishments
Can maintain a social life and intimate relationships

4. Double life

Appear to the outside world to be managing life well
Skilled at living a compartmentalized life (i.e., separating professional, personal and drinking lives)

5. Hitting bottom

Experience few tangible losses and consequences from their drinking
May hit a bottom and not recognize it clearly
---
Good luck OP I hope you learned something from this. Do not feel bad a lot of us have been where you are. At least you are admitting to yourself that you have a problem a lot of people do not even do that.

 

[Vaya]

Hey,

I've experienced this first-hand and, more recently, through watching one of my best friends struggle with it, too.

The first thing about your thread that caught my eye was the combination of the following two words: alcohol and anger. Quite the combination.

I never understood why some people were "happy drunks" when it would be related to me later on how much anger I display when using alcohol. It took some time, but through others I came to understand that my inability to deal with my own anger was actually the driving force behind picking up a drink at all. And with alcohol's uncanny ability to lower/erase one's natural inhibitions, getting drunk became the vehicle for expressing pent-up resentments (usually at my own expense, as well as of those close to me whom I'd harm with words and misery whilst in a black out borne of misery and shame.

Ironically, that which I used to mute nasty feelings (ie alcohol) became that which not only amplified and prolonged the emotions within myself, but broadcast them to the world around me.

The unfortunate consequences of this destructive cycle are still with me to this day.
I try to focus on the fact that my awareness has grown exponentially during this time - and will no doubt one day prove essential to my ability to move on from the demons in my past.