TDS world of shit right now. (possibly triggering)

[lalapanda]

So I'll make this part semi short as I've talked about it before.
Two years ago, I had a few seizures; Wellbutrin showed up as meth on a bs hospital piss test they didn't send to a lab. (I was only taking Klonopin and Wellbutrin xr at this time.

CPS made up some bs (like literal bs) Like, I didn't watch my daughter; my mom did....with her full time job, and taking care of my 7 year old brother...Not fucking likely.
That I was in foster care.
That my 2 year old had lice, and cavities. (not until she went into foster care!!, which btw she didn't even have ONE cavity.
That my mom wasn't allowed to watch my daughter?? (like wtf, I was having a seizure and I didn't have a choice! I have no clue wtf was happening, and why wasn't my mom allowed to watch her anyway?)

anyway, I said I'd keep that part short.

She ended up going to her dead beat father who ignored me when I was pregnant because I wouldn't get an abortion.
He also ignored her until cps as well as his family forced him to take care of her.

ok now
My douchebag ex has a new girlfriend who is always at his house; she's treating MY daughter like her own. (letting her use her chapstick, giving her kisses, holding her hand, watching movies with her, etc.) I'm getting more time with her. (it was 4 hours supervised by him, 2x a week. and now it's 7 hours unsupervised until I finish this fucking parenting class.)

BUT WHAT'S FUCKING DRIVING ME INSANE IS
THIS
IS
MY
DAUGHTER.

I swear to god i want to shank this fucking cunt.
I don't know where her nasty fucking lips have been, and I sure as fuck don't want that on my daughter.
SHE GETS TO SEE MY DAUGHTER MORE THAN I DO.
It's literally killing me.
Why is she so much better than me? why? SERIOUSLY WHY?

WHY CAN'T HE JUST BE NICE TO ME.

I'm off Ritalin now, and going a bit crazy. I'm also addicted to clonazolam and i want to get off it so bad I've gone through wayyy too many pills in the past couple months and I just need help.

i'm also hung over, i can't remember what I did last night. (aside from being on webcam...god only knows what an ass i made of myself...)

i drank like half a bottle of some fucking disgusting whisky and i think i took more clonazolam (not klonopin.) than i should of.

my head hurts so bad

i seriously just want to end this shit.
no joke.

yes i have a therapist.
yes she's fucking dumb as hell.
yes i've tried multiple therapists, but they just fail.

yes i would love to get rid of this horrible hang over.

yes i hate myself and wish i was dead.

thanks for reading my stupid wall of text.

 

[jammin83]

I can tell you are in a world of pain right now and I'm sure it's devastating but at least you get to see your daughter. I know it must feel like you are being replaced but I'm sure your daughter doesn't feel that way.

I also think the benzos are aggravating the issue and distorting your perceptions a bit. Benzos and alcohol are a bad combo esp if you are blacking out. It will definitely not help your depression if you are taking large amounts but I think that you understand that. If you have been taking them for a long time you may need some professional help to ween yourself down with a scripted benzo. For some people, including myself, benzos can cause suicidal feelings. It honestly seems like the benzo addiction is your main issue right now and you need to be really safe about how you go about getting off . Definitely don't act on your feelings right now because your perceptions are very distorted. Stay safe and I hope you feel better soon. The benzos can really make you feel like a mess sometimes.

Let me know if you need anything and try and get the help that you need to get off the benzos safely.

 

[nygiants1313]

No offense u will think im a fuckbag for saying this, and i truly am so sorry for your shytty predicaments but I see a lot if blaming others for your problems in your entire post.

-You said you have tried many therapists tet every single one of them failed. They suck or are all dumb you say.

-hospitals screwing your drug tests.

- CPS making stuff up and out to get you

-your ex is a douchebag dead beat

-your exs girlfriend is horrible with all you said

You take no responsibility for anything. If you want off clonazepsm get off it. I know how hard it is but you can do. You have clearly been through mad shit and I don't want to hurt your feelings but it's just an observation. Your life is not over and it's going to be a grind to get back on top but I know you got the courage. We are all gonna die one day anyway so why not keep fighting?? Don't stres about things you can't change in life but use that pent up anger to change some aspects.

People wake up everyday saying "im gonna change my life today" and they don't. Stop drinking and make a list of all you wish to improve. Then jot down ways to improve tgese things from serious ideas to silly ideas and ATTACK ATTACK ATTACK and in a year from now things will be so much fucking different.

Stop blaming the works for your peoblems abevause we both know you have some of the blame on you. Not all of it but im sure more then you are leading in here.

I blamed a lot if others for my SHYT too and until i manned the FUK up and accepted my life as none other then my own fault was when things started improving.

Good luck

 

[T. Calderone]

That must have been awful for you losing custody like that. I take it the hospital or ambulance called CPS and reported you overdosed? I agree with above posts. You could see your doctor and tell them about the clonazolam. This way they can put you on a taper plan and get off that stuff. Both benzos and the alcohol will make your depression worse. Not to mention the withdrawals from either can cause seizures and even death. You didn't say how long your habit's been. Sorry for all the questions- have you considered inpatient detox or rehab?

I'm not trying to tell you what to do so don't take this the wrong way. You have to pull yourself together and get clean otherwise you're going to keep spinning your wheels. What you're doing by self-medicating is counterproductive and I'm afraid you will have a tough time ahead of you if you don't. I know that emptiness you have because my ex sued me for custody because my son was getting into trouble with drugs and I couldn't manage him. There wasn't any way I could fight the guy because I was unemployed and couldn't pay him child support. I missed my son so much but eventually he moved back with me when he turned 17.

Do you have the support of your family or friends that you can talk to? Finding a therapist you click with can be tricky but don't give up. It's good to be able to vent your frustrations and it sounds like you're really angry. Try to get that in check and make nice with your ex and his girlfriend as much as it kills you. Like it or not, she's his daughter too and has the upper hand. You have to be proactive in order to better your situation and it's hard to do that when you're under the influence. I would use this time away from your daughter and get some help. Let us know how you're doing.