There's a lot of really fantastic descriptive language throughout your story. It is a bit rough, but it's very well written. In some places it is too well written. Over-written. The language overshadows the story. I think you get carried away with details sometimes. And I realize there's a purpose to this. He is looking for inspiration, despite being surrounded by it at all times. The dolphin biting it's own tail and the blind musician are the obvious piece of art that he encounters. The little details, however – the elements of his every day life - are art in themselves. If this is what you're going for, you need to explore it in more depth. The purpose of the details it is a tad too subtle, which is why the details themselves – rather than the purpose they serve – are overshadowing the story. Sometimes it seems like the incredible descriptions and exotic vocabulary are there to showboat your abilities as a writer, more than to contribute something tangible to the story itself.
The best example of this is when he arrives in the restaurant...
“The restaurant had a modern feel to it, though was accented in touches of cozy earthliness. The walls were a pleasant shade of green, and wrought-iron grape leaves shaded the light fixtures to diffuse their halogen brilliance. We were seated at a table in a quiet corner separated from the flow. A miniature candle floated like a lily pad in a rounded fish bowl situated between us, illuminating the table cloth.”
It's impressive descriptive language. But, without context – like the self-contained dolphin entity; again I get what you're doing here – it bores me a little bit. In such a short story, why include such a detailed description of a restaurant? I'm not suggesting you cut it. There is an answer to this question. But, currently, it is not evident in the story. You need to do something with the details. Use them, somehow, in the story – even in a really minor capacity – even if you are using them to point out that they aren't being used.
What you're attempting to do with this story – what I think you're attempting to do, anyway – is very difficult. It needs to be considerably longer if you're going to pull it off. Like five to ten times longer. There are parts that seem really rushed. Like this:
The scene made me smile. I had understood the assignment fully, but really had no idea if I could find a topic to write 1500 words about.
Why did observing the confused students make him smile? Who is the protagonist and how does he differ from the other students. Why does he doubt his ability to find a worthy topic? I need to know more about how he functions as a character.
There are a couple too many similes. Some of them are fantastic. Others, like these ones, don't work:
Their dull brown and brilliant red and yellow covered the gray of the concrete composing the city streets like rust on metal.
Like rust on metal? No, sir. This simile is not worthy of your story.
My stomach was like a furnace and the wine its fuel.
This simile is out of context. And I think it's a little weak. Not as weak as “like rust on metal” but weak nonetheless – when surrounded by so many other fabulous words.
I was pleasantly surprised by the authentic taste of the wild Pacific salmon fillet I ravaged. It was garnished with chopped almonds and asparagus. The bold combination felt refreshing on my Spartan palate. Theo sampled a leg of lamp, doused in some sort of wine sauce and garnished with peculiar vegetables of an alien nature.
I don't know what function the dinner has with Theo, or Theo himself. I don't know anything about him, really. You tell us more about the restaurant and the meal. Which is okay, but we need to know why your protag is so introverted and obsessed with details. You hint at it, but it isn't clear.
My hand flowed atop the round railing, guiding me into the belly of the beast. A late train howled through the station, washing me in stale wind that smelled of sickly-sweet machine oil.
Beautiful.
His fingers walked a path his feet could not, gracefully – across the horn’s pistons.
Again, beautiful. I tweaked it a bit. The entire sentence needs a good edit. Quite a lot of the sentences need a good edit. The story does, too. But there is serious poetic potential in your use of language. I, too, am very fond of the passages that Lemon quoted.
… Also ...
I love the way the story ends. There is no huge climax or over-stated conclusion. The ending is perfect. And the beginning is solid too (though the professor's dialogue seriously needs to be tightened to give the opening the punch it deserves). But yeah, structurally – the beginning and the end are very much on the right track. You just need to fix up the middle. You have a lot of the pieces. I wouldn't cut much of the description; just contextualize it.
I don't want you to write an atypical story. “What gives art structure?” is a valid question. And I get that you are defying conventions. But the story needs to work. It needs to keep me interested. You can do this, without adhering to structural norms or expectations.
There doesn't need to be a point of the dinner with Theo, or a point of Theo's character. But if there is no point, you need to make it clear that there is intentionally no point and that you are purposely structuring a relatively “structureless” narrative in order to make a comment about the undefinable nature of art... or something.
I enjoyed reading this. You have a way with words. I'd love to re-read this story further down the line, when it is closer to reaching it's potential.
-4EA
