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Workshop Thread #4 - "Yea; or Shall it be Nay" by Thou

Yea; or shall it be Nay?
Neural spasms in the wake of philosophical crisis.

Written by Sala Y. Bloore, Copywrite '2012. All rights reserved.




Sorry initially gave 4EA the wrong version. This is refined a bit more but I noticed a few minor spelling errors and word omissions, very few. I've been up for 35 hours and just typed this out from analog first draft. Took longer than I thought because every time I typed out a paragraph, I changed at least ONE component in it. I don't know if this is how proper editing is typically done, but it worked for me.

I wrote this out in two sessions over a period of 2 days. I made no outline, just worked a stream-of-consciousness angle that seemed to work at the time. I suppose we'll see the results of this method, in time.

This is the first short story I've ever written. First piece of fiction. Ever.

Just a FYI. Be merciless I need to learn.

Thanks

Thou
 
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Okay. You said to be merciless.

This story is not in a polished enough state to be submitted for a workshop. It is incredibly difficult to follow. It reads as if it was written while extremely high on drugs. The tone is inconsistent, it jumps all over the place, and I don't understand the point of the story. You frequently establish things that go nowhere. It is over-written, full of unnecessary adverbs and lacking in necessary descriptions and context. Most of the story - the first five pages - takes place in a bar with Lou and Kim talking about various topics. Some of the dialogue is good and some of the descriptive language is fantastic but nothing much happens for five pages - until the end, where you pretty much do to the "it was all a dream" conclusion. It reads like you made it up as you went along. The end seems tacked on, because you didn't know where to take the story. Logically it doesn't make much sense. The two stories aren't connected. Lou in the bar could have been anything and anyone. Then everything melts and it was all a dream/ a hallucination/ a k-hole...

I've uploaded some line by line comments. Please have a look.

First Two Pages, Line Notes
More Line Notes

I'm sorry that my comments are largely critical. You said to be merciless. And, honestly, I had a lot of trouble reading the story and following what was going on. If you're going to submit a 4,000-5,000 word story and you want people to edit it for you, you need to put in the effort yourself. You said you thought people hadn't provided you with feedback because of the length. But, that's not true.

Max Power got less feedback than xxxyyy, despite the fact that his story was a third of the length. It's not the wordcount that dictates how much feedback you're going to receive. I tried to edit this story three or four times. It's difficult to edit, because it's not at that stage yet. You need to fix up grammar issues and repetitions and generally rework the story so that it makes sense.

I get that you were being experimental

I made no outline, just worked a stream-of-consciousness angle that seemed to work at the time.
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But you need to go back over it after you finish the first draft and consider what works and what doesn't. I'd suggest editing it while you're sober. Because, as I said, it reads as if you wrote it high. Which isn't to say that writing high - or drunk - is "bad", but it shouldn't be evident that you were inebriated when you wrote it...

Again, sorry if the feedback is harsh.

:)
 
There's a lot of 'fat' to be trimmed in this story and honestly after taking that all away I don't know if there's any story left underneath. It's disjointed. There is a lot written that doesn't contribute in terms of character development nor does it move the plot along. It feels forced at times, almost as if you're trying hard to write like somebody else. Just be yourself. Cut down on the adverbs. Remember to not use a $5 word when a 50-cent word will do. I really can't comment much more because the aforementioned points constitute the bulk of the trouble so I will cut it short for emphasis sake. Sorry if this all sounds mean.
 
I agree with most everything said here, and don't feel bad about telling it how it is.

I knew it was in no way polished enough but I was running short on time and thought I could pull it off. I knew this would be pointed out and I'm glad it was the first criticism to surface.

No drugs. The inconsistent tone and jumping around is just inattentive ADD I think and lack of a structure on which to do this kind of thing with. I'm aware of many structures, but I'm also aware that taking a structure from another would be plagiarizing. Drugs usually don't help me to be ambitious enough to do anything, aside from stimulants which I don't really count since I take them for the condition and am quite immune to their more manic and erratic characteristics.

I'm grateful you guys took the time to go through it, even more-so that you were critically accurate.

Even if I disagreed, it still wouldn't be personal so please no apologies.

Max -

That's a bothersome habit of mine I'm largely aware of. This story was certainly more poetic than logical or simplistic. For the record it wasn't written about or on drugs, simply a mish-mash of obscure philosophical extremes that have been driving me mad this past year. These are evident in the piece to me, but probably no one else.
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In retrospect, I believe I was writing it for myself more than anyone else, which I understand to be the wrong method. It was also largely just written stream-of-consciousness with the hope that it would go somewhere. I was losing time so I copped out with a trite ending, only half-realizing it at the time. I didn't want to postpone it, than I'd have no advice on how to carry out the second story I write, the third, and so on. I didn't think it to be against the rules to put it out there, if it was, I was unaware.

Thanks everybody for going through it, taking time to point out the fallacies.

I've never written like 'myself' so this will come with time. I knew the prose would inadvertently reek of my influences, and the fact that you didn't name names was kind of you, or maybe you just couldn't figure out which author was polluting my own voice. As I've said, this voice has yet to develop, and will hopefully materialize with time.

One thing.

We seem to know what's wrong with the thing. My question, in your opinion:

Was anything right, or workable?

I don't plan to scrap the thing for personal reasons, but what is it in need of? I'll be looking invariably for these answers myself but would love to hear more from you guys. I'm heavily invested in the philosophical crisis people often find themselves in, this was largely biographical (like most work). I'd love to make it palatable to the average reader, or just better. I'll settle for better.

Thanks Again.

Thou
 
it took me a few paragraphs to figure out if you were joking or not. you use way too many words. re-use them too. it's clear you are trying to emulate writing styles that you are a fan of, but you should go for cleaner syntax. currently, it comes across as forced, unsuccessful imitation. and it's dizzying to read. the excess of typos and sentences that don't develop into any sort of sense doesn't help. when people are going to read something you wrote, you have to proofread.

the story is very pro-drugs and is heavy with the "legalize it" message. "his only true medicine." doesn't add anything new either. my body, evil alcohol and ciggs are legal, blah blah, enlightenment. this is a pretty boring subject for fiction. and after your narrator describes bartenders as the "last legal drug dealers in the United States of America," s/he talks about the klonopin your protagonist "devoured as needed."

even though it often feels like the narrator is adopting the thoughts and voice of your protagonist, you go ahead and quote off the protagonist's thoughts in one of the paragraphs. you have the narrator refer to itself with "me" at one point. you should decide what role your narrator is playing and develop some consistency there.

the story is overly descriptive to no positive ends. for example, the "Sorry sir, country [sic?] ordinance..." to "...ticking clock, right above the bourbon" part. all you really need is the one blip of dialogue, "Balls." that response tells us that he doesn't want to argue. and the reader can infer the tone from the context.

your character undergoes an enlightening, spiritual/religious experience and then can die at peace. because of ketamine. we get the details of that experience, minus whatever was communicated in the "clairaudient fashion i which they conferred." something is said in english, and it is obviously of importance because he remembers it at his moment of death after a week of silent meditation. but it all feels pretty hollow. how is everything ok now? because he had a hallucination, experienced ego loss, and ended up in the hospital? doesn't really make a story. or, to be rough, not a good one.

on the positive, this is your first work of fiction. you seem motivated and like you have something you want to communicate. worry less about an ornate word choice and more about creating an entertaining a story for your themes to ride on.
 
Nobody writes a good short story the first time they write fiction. The best thing you can hope for is to write something that indicates potential for you as a writer. And you've done that. I have read many worse stories by people in thir second year of a tertiary level writing degree. That's not to say you are up to tertiary standards. My point is that these stories I've read at uni, the people who wrote them should give up. They have no potential. You, on the other hand, do not fall into that category. While your story was not good, it was okay for a first attempt. You can't expect much more than that. Put it on the back burner and write another story for week 6. Don't try to save it. You need to let things go. Kill your darlings, as they say. If I were you I wouldn't revisit the story for at least a year. You will learn more by writing fifty new stories. Keep it, though. I keep everything including scape of paper that make no sense. Maybe one day you'll fix it. I think, more likely, you will realize that you don't want to fix it. Everything we write is precious to us. Its all sentimenta
One of the hardest things to do as a writer is face harsh criticism. You've made a really good start. Dont make excuses. Don't say you were writing it for yourself and it has value that others can't see. Its better for you as an aspiring writer to say "it's shit". Take a note from your protagonist. Apply ego loss to this situation. Let the story go. Don't look for ways to fix it. Trust me.
 
Watch your commas and semicolons. I'm seeing some commas that should be semicolons and some semicolons that should be colons in just the first few lines already. The rhythm, or lack thereof, is jarring. I'm LOLing at some of the crazy dialogue. I like the tension established by the description of the bar as some sort of cage in which they're all trapped; a microcosm of the state of affairs in this dystopian near-future. I'm a big fan of stories told through characters stuck in an intimate environment. Kim's erratic stream of thoughts gets to be pretty confusing although I guess that is indicative of him being K'd out of his gourd? The sober ending is a nice touch :)

If I had to insist on something to be worked on, it would be to consider the reader more and write sentences in a way that they connect well to give the story a uniform pace, from which rhythm can later come.
 
Thank you both, you've given me quite a bit of direction towards where I need to go...

I may have been trying to throw the narration of a full novel into a short story, which simply will not work unless we're all telepaths' and can see our motives and intentions beforehand.

If that were the case, of course, requirement for writing would be at a loss, and we could all suffer.

The community would commence in our solitude.

Short stories are new to me. As 4EA state 'shelf this heap of filth for a year or more.' I couldn't agree more.

I need simplistic style if I'm to be writing short stories, I've only written essays, long novels and correspondence. O' yea, what an art it is to throttle a dozen fathoms of meaning into 600 short words...
 
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