12 Step Work - Step 1
I thought I would record some of the step work I've been doing in NA. I slight change in the direction of this blog, but I am really trying to cut back and see if it's possible to use heroin for recreation. I still haven't given up on it yet, but in October I made 30 days sober.
What does the disease of addiction mean to me?
It means being a complete slave. Being consumed 100% by drugs, even if by outward appearance you have other things in your life that are going well, you know you only do those things because in someway, somehow they make it easier for you to be a better, more efficient drug addict. It means your entire happiness is dependent on drugs. There is no future with out them. And if anyone tries to intervene with that, they are quickly removed from your life. Drug addiction is deception. You no longer believe you can have a future without them, a job, relationships, happiness, love, even a night out on the town without them. You believe that you are a better person with them, more efficient, more productive, a better all around person. You honestly believe that you are more likeable with drugs, even unlovable without them. And eventually you would rather be dead than to live without them. At that point, all of the things that made you the good, lovable person you were before drugs are disregarded for the drug itself. Addiction makes you do unconscionable things, because now without any of your principles or ethics in tact, and most of your meaningful relationships either disintegrated or shadows of what they were, all you have are drugs, and you will do anything to hold on to the one remaining constant. The one thing that still lets you be lovable and worthy, even though you've thrown all your other quality traits out the window, even if no one understands it. Addiction is realizing that there is no human being that you love more than a chemical. Not your parents, not your husband or kids, not even yourself without the drug. And you will hurt, lie, steal from, abuse anyone who tries to stand in the way of the drug, or if it will somehow help you get the drug. Addiction is the murder of the child that you were. The murder of all your morals and redeemable traits. The murder of your relationships. The murder of your self esteem and your self love. And eventually, if left unchecked, addiction will be the murder of your physical body and soul.
Have I given plausible but untrue reasons for my behavior? What have they been?
I love to justify my addiction, to tell people it's really not that bad to be a junky, you just don't understand because of societies unfair vilification of heroin, junkies and IV drug use. Don't believe the disgusting stereotypes. Look at my life. I've been successful, have a good relationship with my parents, am not a hooker, bought a house, and I'm a junky. Living proof that it's not that bad. I leave out the fact that I actually have done illicit things when I was out of work and desperate for drug money, that I had to sell my house for drug money, that I've lost all of my jobs because of my addiction, all of the important relationships I've lost because of my behavior on drugs and the negative impact drugs have had on my health. I make up believable excuses for why I have given up so many of the activities that I love and why I've lost jobs and friends. It the fault of everything but the drugs. I hated that company and sabotaged my employment from the beginning. It had nothing to do with disappearing for hours at a time to slam meth and heroin all day. In fact the drugs made me perform better! I had to give up sailing and snowboarding this year because of an injury. I leave out the fact that the injury was a direct result of something that happened on drugs, from nodding off at a bad time or blacking out after 5 days of sleep deprivation. I leave out the fact that I'm actually relieved because how was I going to hide the track marks this year?
Am I avoiding action because I'm afraid I will be ashamed when I face the results of my addiction? Am I avoiding action because I'm worried about what others will think?
I'm definitely afraid of sharing any progress with the people close to me. I don't like to talk with anybody about the addiction, recovery or even little triumphs or victories for multiple reasons. First, I don't think they would understand when I say small things like I made it over two weeks for the first time, or how I resisted despite a HUGE temptation, or finding a new way to deal with what feels like a crippling craving, or even when I realize I gone a significant amount of time without an overpowering urge to use. These are triumphs in my daily life but I don't think my friends and family will understand, or they will trivialize the significance of these accomplishments, so I keep them to myself. Second, if I fail, it would be just another disappointment for them. They want me to be clean so desperately, and they've seen me struggle and fail so many times. And each time they've seen me try to lie and hide it over and over again, until it's so painfully obvious yet again. Also, I don't want anyone to hold me accountable. So the less they know about my progress, the less I feel responsible to stick to my word. And lastly there is that part of me that is just embarrassed that I wasn't able to do it sooner. Embarrassed that it took me so long, that I couldn't do it on my own, that I've tried and failed,that I keep asking people for one more chance. And I'm embarrassed that they now know how long and how deep the lies have been. And I know that they have already forgiven me,but I'm still embarrassed that I let it go on as long as I did.
What situation led me to formally work Step One?
The event that triggered me and my boyfriend to first step into a NA meeting room was when my boyfriend got arrested and was court ordered to go to rehab, participate in a 12-Step program and pass regular drug tests. My response was something along the lines of "Awesome for you. But I'm not quitting heroin ever. No way, no how. So have fun with that." Over the next 8 months, I made a few half-ass'd attempts to take a week off here and there. But over that time I was able to see the effects it was having on him, he wasn't able to resist all of the time with me rubbing in his face on a daily basis. Eventually he failed a drug test and was in danger of being expelled from a second rehab and being sent to jail. In the meantime, I was beginning to see the benefits of the days I was able to string together clean, and was able to take an inventory of my own life. I lost two excellent jobs, lost the relationship I thought I was going to be in forever, lost my house, lost my best friend, was in danger of losing all my other meaningful relationships, I could see the toll it was taking on my family, saw all of my standards and morals fly out the window and was in serious danger of losing the new love of my life. He had said to me on more than one occasion that it was obvious and sad that I loved heroin more than any person in my life. It was true, but I didn't want that to be the case. So when the time came again for him to seriously put the needle down, or be locked up, for once in my life I wanted to be a support, not a deadweight and help him get through this. I wanted to prove to myself and to him that I loved him more than heroin. He never asked me to quit with him, he knew that would just make me want to leave. I volunteered. At first I said that I would quit for 2 weeks again. But as time went on, my thinking started to change. I was able to catch small glimpses of a happy life in the future without heroin. And I knew that couldn't all be achieved in two weeks. I had to commit to the long haul. Once that decision was made, I knew I couldn't do it on my own. I needed a support structure and I needed to actually recover, not just abstain from using heroin. So I decided to try the program as it was designed and see if I could really get an understanding of the peace and happiness that people talk about who have gone through the experience and are living clean, meaningful lives.
What does unmanageability mean to me?
As it states in the text, I can see examples of both inward and outward unmanageability in my life. Outwardly I have lost multiple jobs because of my drug use, I've lost control of my money, resorting to crimes, pawning valuable items or things that were important to me, blowing huge amounts of money in lump sums like 401k money, savings, home revenue. I was unable to pay bills or keep my car registered even when I had the money. I was unable to manage relationships with anybody, nobody was as important as heroin and I lost many relationships that were extremely important to me because I was unable to put people first, so I found myself all alone, which is what I told myself I wanted anyway. Inner unmanageability manifested itself in many ways. When I started using heroin, I told myself that I never wanted to use it as an emotional crutch, it was strictly going to be recreational. But as time went on I saw how it had slowly become a crutch I couldn't live without. I would make sure I had enough on hand before and after any event I found stressful, from a phone call that may be stressful, to a travel day, doctors appointment, or any type of event like a business meeting or family event. I didn't think I could handle any sort of discomfort, physical or emotional, without the aid of heroin.
Good luck in your own quest for personal recovery, whatever what for that make be for you! I love you all!
Peace, Love and Rock 'n Roll!!!
I thought I would record some of the step work I've been doing in NA. I slight change in the direction of this blog, but I am really trying to cut back and see if it's possible to use heroin for recreation. I still haven't given up on it yet, but in October I made 30 days sober.
What does the disease of addiction mean to me?
It means being a complete slave. Being consumed 100% by drugs, even if by outward appearance you have other things in your life that are going well, you know you only do those things because in someway, somehow they make it easier for you to be a better, more efficient drug addict. It means your entire happiness is dependent on drugs. There is no future with out them. And if anyone tries to intervene with that, they are quickly removed from your life. Drug addiction is deception. You no longer believe you can have a future without them, a job, relationships, happiness, love, even a night out on the town without them. You believe that you are a better person with them, more efficient, more productive, a better all around person. You honestly believe that you are more likeable with drugs, even unlovable without them. And eventually you would rather be dead than to live without them. At that point, all of the things that made you the good, lovable person you were before drugs are disregarded for the drug itself. Addiction makes you do unconscionable things, because now without any of your principles or ethics in tact, and most of your meaningful relationships either disintegrated or shadows of what they were, all you have are drugs, and you will do anything to hold on to the one remaining constant. The one thing that still lets you be lovable and worthy, even though you've thrown all your other quality traits out the window, even if no one understands it. Addiction is realizing that there is no human being that you love more than a chemical. Not your parents, not your husband or kids, not even yourself without the drug. And you will hurt, lie, steal from, abuse anyone who tries to stand in the way of the drug, or if it will somehow help you get the drug. Addiction is the murder of the child that you were. The murder of all your morals and redeemable traits. The murder of your relationships. The murder of your self esteem and your self love. And eventually, if left unchecked, addiction will be the murder of your physical body and soul.
Have I given plausible but untrue reasons for my behavior? What have they been?
I love to justify my addiction, to tell people it's really not that bad to be a junky, you just don't understand because of societies unfair vilification of heroin, junkies and IV drug use. Don't believe the disgusting stereotypes. Look at my life. I've been successful, have a good relationship with my parents, am not a hooker, bought a house, and I'm a junky. Living proof that it's not that bad. I leave out the fact that I actually have done illicit things when I was out of work and desperate for drug money, that I had to sell my house for drug money, that I've lost all of my jobs because of my addiction, all of the important relationships I've lost because of my behavior on drugs and the negative impact drugs have had on my health. I make up believable excuses for why I have given up so many of the activities that I love and why I've lost jobs and friends. It the fault of everything but the drugs. I hated that company and sabotaged my employment from the beginning. It had nothing to do with disappearing for hours at a time to slam meth and heroin all day. In fact the drugs made me perform better! I had to give up sailing and snowboarding this year because of an injury. I leave out the fact that the injury was a direct result of something that happened on drugs, from nodding off at a bad time or blacking out after 5 days of sleep deprivation. I leave out the fact that I'm actually relieved because how was I going to hide the track marks this year?
Am I avoiding action because I'm afraid I will be ashamed when I face the results of my addiction? Am I avoiding action because I'm worried about what others will think?
I'm definitely afraid of sharing any progress with the people close to me. I don't like to talk with anybody about the addiction, recovery or even little triumphs or victories for multiple reasons. First, I don't think they would understand when I say small things like I made it over two weeks for the first time, or how I resisted despite a HUGE temptation, or finding a new way to deal with what feels like a crippling craving, or even when I realize I gone a significant amount of time without an overpowering urge to use. These are triumphs in my daily life but I don't think my friends and family will understand, or they will trivialize the significance of these accomplishments, so I keep them to myself. Second, if I fail, it would be just another disappointment for them. They want me to be clean so desperately, and they've seen me struggle and fail so many times. And each time they've seen me try to lie and hide it over and over again, until it's so painfully obvious yet again. Also, I don't want anyone to hold me accountable. So the less they know about my progress, the less I feel responsible to stick to my word. And lastly there is that part of me that is just embarrassed that I wasn't able to do it sooner. Embarrassed that it took me so long, that I couldn't do it on my own, that I've tried and failed,that I keep asking people for one more chance. And I'm embarrassed that they now know how long and how deep the lies have been. And I know that they have already forgiven me,but I'm still embarrassed that I let it go on as long as I did.
What situation led me to formally work Step One?
The event that triggered me and my boyfriend to first step into a NA meeting room was when my boyfriend got arrested and was court ordered to go to rehab, participate in a 12-Step program and pass regular drug tests. My response was something along the lines of "Awesome for you. But I'm not quitting heroin ever. No way, no how. So have fun with that." Over the next 8 months, I made a few half-ass'd attempts to take a week off here and there. But over that time I was able to see the effects it was having on him, he wasn't able to resist all of the time with me rubbing in his face on a daily basis. Eventually he failed a drug test and was in danger of being expelled from a second rehab and being sent to jail. In the meantime, I was beginning to see the benefits of the days I was able to string together clean, and was able to take an inventory of my own life. I lost two excellent jobs, lost the relationship I thought I was going to be in forever, lost my house, lost my best friend, was in danger of losing all my other meaningful relationships, I could see the toll it was taking on my family, saw all of my standards and morals fly out the window and was in serious danger of losing the new love of my life. He had said to me on more than one occasion that it was obvious and sad that I loved heroin more than any person in my life. It was true, but I didn't want that to be the case. So when the time came again for him to seriously put the needle down, or be locked up, for once in my life I wanted to be a support, not a deadweight and help him get through this. I wanted to prove to myself and to him that I loved him more than heroin. He never asked me to quit with him, he knew that would just make me want to leave. I volunteered. At first I said that I would quit for 2 weeks again. But as time went on, my thinking started to change. I was able to catch small glimpses of a happy life in the future without heroin. And I knew that couldn't all be achieved in two weeks. I had to commit to the long haul. Once that decision was made, I knew I couldn't do it on my own. I needed a support structure and I needed to actually recover, not just abstain from using heroin. So I decided to try the program as it was designed and see if I could really get an understanding of the peace and happiness that people talk about who have gone through the experience and are living clean, meaningful lives.
What does unmanageability mean to me?
As it states in the text, I can see examples of both inward and outward unmanageability in my life. Outwardly I have lost multiple jobs because of my drug use, I've lost control of my money, resorting to crimes, pawning valuable items or things that were important to me, blowing huge amounts of money in lump sums like 401k money, savings, home revenue. I was unable to pay bills or keep my car registered even when I had the money. I was unable to manage relationships with anybody, nobody was as important as heroin and I lost many relationships that were extremely important to me because I was unable to put people first, so I found myself all alone, which is what I told myself I wanted anyway. Inner unmanageability manifested itself in many ways. When I started using heroin, I told myself that I never wanted to use it as an emotional crutch, it was strictly going to be recreational. But as time went on I saw how it had slowly become a crutch I couldn't live without. I would make sure I had enough on hand before and after any event I found stressful, from a phone call that may be stressful, to a travel day, doctors appointment, or any type of event like a business meeting or family event. I didn't think I could handle any sort of discomfort, physical or emotional, without the aid of heroin.
Good luck in your own quest for personal recovery, whatever what for that make be for you! I love you all!
Peace, Love and Rock 'n Roll!!!