wonder

[vurtomatic]

a morning's touch
upon cheeks upturned
as we turned
in slumber
to light's first sight

a drop of life
lingered
as dawn awakened
from a dream
of mist

a breath of life
between lovers shared
as worlds collide
genesis

a mother's lips
upon the unlined forehead
of a new day
held to her bosom
a hope

a child's first steps
(of many more)
stumbling but always
onward

a feather's dance
upon winds of change
rising falling serenity

we float, we fall
we dance this mortal coil
as the sun sets
upon this day
we were promised yesterday

-

something i've been thinking on the past week, this is a piece about the wonder in our lives, the simple things we take for granted and dont see till it's too late.

still a bit rough but i thought i'd put this up b4 it turns into something more than i can handle

i need to work on the last stanza and tie everything together, any suggestions?

 

[katmeow]

I'm useless at offering suggestions. Besides which, I like it as is

a child's first steps
(of many more)
stumbling but always
onward

a feather's dance
upon winds of change
rising falling serenity

we float, we fall
we dance this mortal coil
as the sun sets
upon this day
we were promised yesterday

Especially like that segment

 

[neverwas]

a drop of life
lingered
as dawn awakened
from a dream
of mist

a breath of life
between lovers shared
as worlds collide
genesis

vurt angel i wonder where u get all ur inspiration from...your peices intrigue me into whats behind them.

you know i love reading your work and each peice you write seems to be so much more than what i expect when i first start to read it.

i especially liked these few stansas.

i dont think it needs much more work hun. it is a touch jumpy but that could be the way i read it

 

[vurtomatic]

thanks for the feedback i've been thinking and just had a look at it again but i dont think i can do much else with it at the moment, maybe im just too tired right now.

and might be starting on another piece, so i'll see what happens, might go away and come back to this at a later stage.

ideally, i would have liked to bring the imageries from the different stanzas together with the last stanza (quite typical of my "style").

actually, i'm beginning to think the imageries are too cliche... too much of a "kodak moment"... shall have to keep that in mind when i revisit this.

i wonder where u get all ur inspiration from...your peices intrigue me into whats behind them

everything and anything that sums up life, or rather, my life, i suppose. most of the pieces reflect my current state of mind or the phases in life i happen to be in.

i've noticed a lot of poems i come across or have written myself stem from extreme emotions, be they pain or joy, but mundanity, normality or even contentment are usually not enough to inspire.

so im trying ideas from daily happenings, exploring more varied ideas/themes based on what's happening in my life.

 

[Conno]

Beautifully written my friend, it brought a bit of beauty into a day of turmoil thank you

 

[doofqueen]

Thats a really beautiful piece of work...it gave me a tingle and a nice awwww feeling

 

[up all night]

Your grasp on the english language only seems to improve with each of your pieces. Perfect word placement to create images that are almost.... liquid. I know that probably doesn't make sense to anyone but me but it's something about the smoothness, the flow and the way the edges are blurred making it impossible to focus on them entirely.

Nice work.