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  • TDS Moderators: AlphaMethylPhenyl | paranoid android

TDS Women vs Men -- I need to voice some thoughts

I've given it ten years and I'm ready to die. I like myself just fine, the whole point would be to share myself with someone as opposed to being alone. The only thing I hate about myself is that I can't do this. When I'm shooting heroin with a self destructive attitude, it's only a matter of time anyway. I can't wait until this pain stops and there is really only one way out at this point. I need to die. But then I'll do my Heroin tomorrow and everything will be okay. I will get on with life and actually be able to talk to women as a happy guy. That's why I mainly do drugs to escape that horrific loneliness. I'd never say something like that if today was tomorrow and I had my fix.

When I'm hurting this much it's pretty hard to chill out man. It's pretty hard to talk to women when you haven't gotten laid in 2 years and they are not a part of your life. I just want a girl so bad there's nothing I don't like about myself except that I'm shy that way. When I'm high on benzos and opiates, I can talk to girls just fine but they always know something is wrong in the end. I don't know what I'm doing, so I'm just going to kill myself? Is it even a big deal when my life is this worthless? Just to shoot some dope and if it doesn't kill me, slit my wrists all the way up my arm when I come to, pain-free? I really don't care anymore. It's REALLY hard to be chill at this point. Girls don't like when guys are desperate. I cannot help feeling desperate at this point it's my nature to.
 
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By saying be ok with your self I mean don't be so desperate about sharing it, it doesn't fucking help. Not only it makes you less atractive but also eats you from the inside. Even if you found a girl being in that situation, you would get so obssesed with her most propably, that you would only end up in a toxic relationship. You gotta learn how to aprove what life gives you and get ready for when it gives you something more.
And I can only suggest that you start handling your heroin problem, but Im not sure if you are gonna listen.
 
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I know it's pretty hard to get it out of your self but you have to try. Find something else that you enjoy, for start. There are plenty of nice things to do besides sex. In the mean while try to improve your attitude. Seriously, Im not trying to push you or something, but all this desperation is the first thing you gotta face.Life is fucking wise. It will give you the chanses you need, but you gotta prepare your self to take them
 
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I am onlly like this when I'm off heroin. I play a lot of electric guitar hardcore music, I do 3 hours of yoga a day, I am a vegetarian, I love to cook, I trade books with my little bro and guide him through life as best I can. Only when I'm on heroin though. Otherwise I stare at a wall and cry, waiting to get more. I have lots going on. Plus, getting back into engineering.
Is that not enough. It's not, as you say even if I get into another relationship I will just screw it up. I may as well be dead. I'm giving myself until 30 and if things don't improve, I'm totally just dead. That's less than a year. On my 30th birthday I will slit my arms all the way up on a heavy dose of heroin, if nothing improves.
When I get my heroin tomorrow, I won't be bothered by this. I will be really busy and when I'm on heroin I can tackle anything. I do my best to improve this situation and I function completely normally. It is when I am out of heroin that I become suicidal like I used to be before I started using it 5 years ago.

All those are all attractive qualities you know bro? Thanks for trying to help. See, I can only be myself on heroin because I have suffered too much. When I'm opiated, I can talk to girls just like the guy I mentioned above, except who isn't desperate at all. Who is just mellow and chill as I should be. I am the ideal version of myself on heroin. I got a few numbers this year when my five year relationship ended (I do have some experience, we just weren't right for each other and it was indeed toxic). I've been flirting and chasing probably like 10 women this year? haha. Especially this one girl Emily lol. Grrrrr I'd kill for her. Actually, I am going to email her right now : ) because fuck have I ever been chasing this girl. We met at a health food store when she was selling some cool organic stuff and noticed my engineering ring and struck up a conversation with me. See the difference is I just sniffed 4mg suboxone (I was still in severe withdrawal one day 5) and I feel great! I feel totally like I could be that guy with those attractive qualities and talk to women with my usual confidence. Really why should I not be confident. I am 200lbs from yoga, flexible, a great cook, an amazing post-hardcore guitarist, and I should be an engineer again soon although at the moment I am flat broke. Don't get much practice in but I can screw haha. Apart from the drug abuse those are all attractive qualities and so long as I sniff my heroin, I mean my girl didn't know until year 4. Of course she knew I had chronic back pain because it can really limit sex even with opiates, but she just thought I was on my scripted oxy's. So as long as I don't start shooting it which when broke like this is very tempting however, as an engineer I will be able to buy ounces chipped off kilo slabs so I don't really give a fuck. Anyways, I just sniffed the sub and wrote this so I already feel a little better. The lack of confidence is only in opiate withdrawal. I am actually a very confident man on these drugs, and it's just another reason I will never quit. When a chick gives me those flirting cues and I'm on opiates I'm sort of all over the situation. When I am not on opiates, I rarely leave my bed. Even months later, I just don't do anything. I tried quitting last year and fuck never again!
 
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But doing other things isn't enough. You have to APRECIATE that you do these, that's the point. You do many nice things as you say, but you get mad for the one you are not doing. I insist on trusting life. Giving it timelines won't make it give you something, it doesn't work this way.
But you are right about one thing. Big part of those thoughts are an effect of heroin w.d. I stopped heroin about 2 months ago, and Im telling you, I was thinking excactly like that. I was thinking about everything I didn't have, I hated my life for it and wished I could fucking die and even had suidical thoughts. But it got better over time. It took weeks, but it did. Im not in a very good potition right now, but I know things will get better. In the mean while I enjoy things and improve them as I can. And wait for the chances I want. And getting ready for them.
And about the relief you see in death. I know the feeling. But you know what? We will be dead for trillions of years after we die, so we shouldn't look forward to the only few decades we are alive to end. Life is to short so make the best from every moment.
 
That's one of the reasons I get crazy about this. I would like to enjoy life and not waste it being alone and after this long it starts fucking with anyone's head.

I sort of see what you're saying but not really enough about the appreciate part. If I just play guitar and don't mention to a girl when I'm meeting her than I practice 4 hours a day and write my own music, or whatever, and be confident about it then what's the point from her perspective. I'm a lot better at this on heroin. You can PM me if you would like to talk to me about my girl problems more. On heroin, like I will be tomorrow, I am more willing to listen.

I guess I had to voice some thoughts too. Because even though the suboxone helped calm me down, I know I'm going to end my life over this shit. I've already decided that and the only reason I don't do it yet is because I love Heroin. The moment it becomes too much of a hassle to sustain, and I mean it's been 5 years and it's coming to that, I'll end it. I just didn't have a good life and I want to die now please, I just have to find the strength to blow my brains out on dope.

I really just need to mellow out. Even some pot would be nice, but I'll have my fix soon and I'll be happy then. Fuck, am I ever miserable without that shit. I'd never really say anything like this when I have my heroin fix. I would express my discontentment with my sex life, but I wouldn't take it that far. It scares me that I could make a split second decision, shoot myself up and just die. I have borderline disorder so my emotions are all over the place. I'm a walking talking contradiction (borderline personality disorder occurs 75% of the time in women by the way, just to contribute something to this thread before I peace). So there are discrepancies in mental illness rates and probably cancer types for the same organs and stuff...
 
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Some of it may be self reinforced by psychs being more likely to diagnose BPD in women. I probably have it but haven't been in a position to be diagnosed. I meet a lot of the criteria though.

I wouldn't be surprised if a lot of heroin addicts have it, especially among the women, given both are linked to childhood abuse survivors. I think a lot, probably most heroin addicts are in a lot of emotional or psychological pain sober.
 
Yeah, BPD is sometimes misdiagnosed as bipolar too. I definitely am in a lot of physical and psychological pain, and I can't control my emotions at all. I don't understand why someone would otherwise use heroin. I've given it to one of the happiest men I know, when he had a sore ankle, and all he said about it was that it was one hell of a painkiller, and that he always knew it was something just mellow like that. Never asked for it again and we chill all the time and he knows I am hooked. I used to smoke a lot of pot but then I had a severe injury to my spine that I have never recovered from, seven years later I am in the same amount of pain, which heroin makes evaporate. I was abused sexually as a kid, by a friends parent, with the friend, and I think that is tied in with some of these issues I have even to this day. The physical agony is what really triggered my mental illness, if I got on heroin two years earlier I'd probably just be suffering from a facet joint problem. I always had BPD symptoms but they got so much worse after my injury and all that suffering, since my pain was just totally untreated for 2 years and I lost my job, house, everything. I have to pretty much start over from scratch now with my degree. I feel that heroin treats my BPD, I only really ever have symptoms of it when I'm not using. Well, I never would have written what I wrote above today. I finally got relief... that's just what I'm like when I am deprived of heroin for nearly a week. I freak out emotionally, I can take the shit kicking of the physical withdrawal but it's very real stuff that haunts me when I'm not fixed up... today I'm feeling just great. Today is a happy day. I'd never think like that today.
I don't think it's that bad that guys have to chase women... lol. It is the animal kingdom. It is kind of fun, I believe that I am just a late bloomer in that regard. I have some promising engineering job prospects, that should get me out meeting more people.

I feel like some men in the position of long term sexual frustration would hate women for it (like that Elliot Rodger fucking dumbass fuck... never knew pussies could be so evil). To be honest it is my own fault. I spent my younger years perpetually stoned, and although I loved weed it made me socially anxious, passive natured, and paranoid. I am much more confident this year and my relationship ended a long time ago, after 5 years of being with her. She made me realize that I am a sexy beast cutie (lol... sorry I just have to talk myself up a little bit when I am this down in the dumps ahaha. I know I'm a loser : p ). But, I've just been unable to channel the flirting cues I've been getting from women properly. And these are fucking hot women, like I've never had that kind of attention at all before. I was too shy. It's also because I never really tried growing up and then when I became a man I was in a relationship for so long. One of the issues with that relationship was that I didn't want to be with just her my whole life, I want to try other girls too. I feel that I have more confidence than ever before now, so long as I am on heroin. I mean, what I just feel great all the time, since I've become a vegetarian I've gained weight from all the yoga and I feel awesome about myself. I'm really just clearing this up because when I hear other people talk about killing themselves, it makes me sad and worry for their safety. So long as I have my dope, I'm good. I'm going to be chasing that tail around lol. And there's always going to be more dope for me.
 
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Oh and bomber, thanks for the tips man and the advice and reaching out. Also, CONGRATS on being clean from heroin for about 2 months! I totally didn't notice that yesterday because I wasn't really in a position to be paying much attention to anything than my own misery and despair, but normally that deserves a huge compliment : )

I tapered off oxy's for 3 months last year before relapsing so I know how hard that shit is and how long the post-acute withdrawal symptoms linger for. I honestly don't know if I could do it again, but my taper drops were around 50%. I think they need to be 10% and due to my instabilities a very, super slow taper would be in order. So I am going to keep chasing that tail (lol... what a phrase for this thread) but yeah man I totally am. I was hitting up a new worker at the health food store today, she totally caught me off guard and said hi and I actually managed to carry on a conversation with her. She told me to have a nice night and it was noon. I dunno, I just think there was a little flirting going on. I just sensed that she liked me so I'm going to put this in the back corner of my mind (that I want to fuck her yeah yeah!!!) and just keep mellowing out and chatting her up and maybe ask what she's up to one night like next Friday when she's working again.
 
spacejunk said:
Absolute nonsense.
Thank you, though, for again demostrating that anti-feminism is the most vacuous ideology around.
Not a single point to support any MRA claims. Just entitlement and baseless claims of victimisation.
Click to expand...

I agree.

Of late, men have been giving a poor showing in terms of adulthood, fatherhood and social responsibility.

This is demonstrated by the fact that 50% of all households in the U.S. are manned by single women.

With that many deadbeat dads around, not the whole 50% of course, it is not surprising that many men have become whinny little bitches.

My view of equality is that, for women and real men, equality is not adequate.

I believe that the law of the sea that puts women and children ahead of men should also apply on land.

Equality under the law must stand though.

Women still have a ways to go in the West even as they have made good gains.



Regards
DL
 
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