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Recovery Witness Me!

Keep it up, bigp! I'm still plugging along - barely.

Hope all is well over there.

- VE
 
Moreaux, thanks so much for sharing! I'm in my early thrities but never really felt like I grew up. I've heard the philosphy that you stay the same age you were when you started your addiction, since it prevents you to grwoing up. I totally agree with it. I've always been mature for my age, and am a really smart fellow, but I now feel like my mental age and physical age aren't meshing.

I am trying to take things slow, focus on one problem at a time. I know addiction was a long slippery slope, and recovery wont happen overnight. This mindset is getting me through. WHen life got heavy in the past, I'd pop a pill, now I seem to be able to compartmentalize my life and make make small goals toward fixing it.

I noticed you are from "the beach". I grew up at the beach, surfing everyday before and after school...I moved away for college and I miss it. I still have family at the beach. Maybe now that "peak season" is over, I'll take a trip and paddle back out past the breakers and just sit there...thinking about it now brings me bliss :)
 
I'm down to 37.5 mcg from 75...half way there!!! The withdrawals have stayed pretty consistent, but are bearable. Night sweats seem to be the worst. I wake up and have to go sleep on the couch to the sheets dry out.

I had a huge victory today. I had a 30mg oxy in my hand and was able to resist taking it. You would not believe how hard it was. It felt so good though. I've been occupying my mind with movies, video games and drawing. I watched The Revenant....damn good movie. Watching Leo get mauled by that bear made my withdrawal look like a slap on the wrist. It put things in perspective for me...it could always be worse.

Here's a couple more drawings I did over the past 2 days:
 
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Bippop The Revenant was dam good i seen it the week it came out, I had a breakthrough yesterday too i started my day at 8am with only a 15mg roxy and made it all the way to my 3 o-clock afternoon dose which was 15mg roxy and a half of another 15 then my midnight dose was another 15 and half so totaled in a day 60mgs. I remember only a couple years ago not feeling a 200mg dose been a long road for me 19 years never once having to do a full detox cant say im lucky cause it only creates more fear of the unknown i almost wished i fought this battle before. My biggest problems were stopping my oxycontin and just using roxys for the last two weeks dam i never realize how long oxycontin lasted till i started doing just roxys i guess its a good thing i want to fight thru the last 3 hours of uncomfortableness hopefully starting to wake up some of my own endorphins. My biggest problem between doses is my legs from the knees down hurt like hell so far no night sweats yet, keep at it bro with both the killer artwork!!! and your taper.
 
Thanks bud, you keep up the good fight too! It sucks I know, but it will be worth it in the end. The leg pain I am familiar with. Try a hot bath (or hot tub if you have one). If not, a good long walk/jog/run in the evening will help. Your muscles have been numbed for so long that your brain doesn't know how to interpret this new feeling.

I can take the night sweats, vomiting, diarrhea, insomnia, but the restless legs and arms are what I hate the most. I try to work out as much as possible to make the muscles sore so they calm down. Some people have luck with muscle relaxants, but I find it makes the creepy-crawly feeling much worse.

I cant wait to log in one morning and see your post that says you are down to 0 mg! Keep up the good work my friend.
 
Your art is so great! I've always been a bit jealous of artists. I would love to have some inherent talent - but I don't. I've always been fairly average at things. Not that I mind much anymore - my passion is my work.

I'm one of the lucky ones that fell into a job at an early age (early 20s) when I didn't know what I wanted to do. I went to school for something that I knew pretty quick wasn't for me...so there I was just taking temp work and having fun when I found my dream job. Started out answering their phones and slowly worked my way up to the job I wanted. I couldn't be happier with my job and I've been there over 10 years. I love it just as much today as I did when I walked in the door. not to mention they give me sick leave, which I banked and then was able to take off three weeks for my w/ds (work doesn't know why, just that my doctor says I can't work) - which I am eternally grateful for. Working through this shit just isn't an option for me. I read posts on here all the time about "if I quit on Friday and take lots of loperamide/Kratom, will I be able to work on Monday?" It breaks my heart that everyone doesn't have the option to take the time off that they need to heal from this...

I guess I say all that to say that, no matter how shitty I feel, I am lucky.

keep up the good work, BigP. You are so right, it will be worth it...eventually.

- VE
 
Well everyone...i decided to move up my taper schedule. Last night i went from 37.5 mcg patch to 25. I have one more step down to 12.5 before i jump off at 0. I have to admit that the withdrawal isnt as bad as i anticipated. Ive done the cold turkey from oxy and its no joke. This is much easier. I hope it stays this way. I spent about 10 hours yesterday playing video games. What an awesome time killer to keep your mind off of things. I also did a bunch of research on kratom and am thinking about ordering some while its still legal. Id much rather have something like kratom in the house for when the cravings hit so i dont relapse. Well my cat and dog are staring at me like "dad why is there no food in my bowl...you are clearly awake" so i guess thats it for now. To everyone fighting...keep it up.
 
BigPoppaGoonie said:
Thanks bud, you keep up the good fight too! It sucks I know, but it will be worth it in the end. The leg pain I am familiar with. Try a hot bath (or hot tub if you have one). If not, a good long walk/jog/run in the evening will help. Your muscles have been numbed for so long that your brain doesn't know how to interpret this new feeling.

I can take the night sweats, vomiting, diarrhea, insomnia, but the restless legs and arms are what I hate the most. I try to work out as much as possible to make the muscles sore so they calm down. Some people have luck with muscle relaxants, but I find it makes the creepy-crawly feeling much worse.

I cant wait to log in one morning and see your post that says you are down to 0 mg! Keep up the good work my friend.
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Thanks BP my name is john by the way. Im not a big bath guy showers usually for me i do have a tub tho im probably a little older than you only cause i read you had a video game marathon, my 17 year old son i watch play sometimes he always playing i have a 25 year old daughter too. You should definitely get some kratom, since i got mine i experimented switching a dose or even two doses in a row with 6 grams kratom each time and really i think i felt better than this little dose of roxys im down to. But i think if i were to go a couple days on kratom i would feel some withdrawls i just dont know for sure whats gonna happen never been there before ive read so much conflicting info also. Some people say after jumping to kratom they go a week or two then ween kratom and jump off with almost no withdrawls I think the opoioid gods (make that devils) are gonna want a big piece of my ass after 19 years but then again thats another unknown for me. Some say it does not matter how long you have been on oxy only how low of mg you jump off at. Yesterday i went to the Rock Carnival in lakewood nj with my son its a 3 day event lots of good bands each day was a great distraction we had a killer time loved Monster Magnet and a band named Cycle of Pain (i know great fucking name) the based guitar in the band is John DeServio he also plays bass for Black Label Society they kicked ass. I smoked some weed before leaving for show between that and the great time there i really didnt think about my problems at all was a great escape for me. Keep up the good work brotha.
 
BigP!

i just love logging in and seeing your new artwork. Especially when I haven't been able to make it out of bed in 6 days - much less do anything actually productive or beautiful. How are you feeling today?

I guess its not totally true that I haven't been out of bed in six days - I did take myself to a local juice bar today which is soooooo good. I bought some cold pressed juice to drink over the next few days cause I'm having a hell of a time eating (I think that's part of the issue with my lack of energy). It took less than 45 minutes total - but I'm exhausted and right back to bed. Also, I'm going to force myself to go for a walk today. Even if it kills me.

Ive been meaning to ask - do you know when you will be completely done with your taper?

- VE
 
Thanks man! I still surprise myself every time I finish a piece. Its always been a hobby of mine but I really got back into it when the depression hit and I needed a release. I'm thinking about doing a horror collection, being its that time of the year. I think I'll draw Beetlejuice next.

Dude, I love juice. Soo good. Glad you got out of the house even if it was for just a lil bit. It helps clear the mind. I hate to hear you are in so much suffering, but like I keep telling myself, it will be worth it! You are doing awesome, keep it up!

Im down to 25mcg from 75 mcg, (a 75 mcg patch is about equivalent to 100-120 mg of a daily oxy dose...so if I were to put it in terms of oxy, i'd say im down to about 40mg of oxy a day...down from 120mg)

I have one more 12.5 mcg patch left that I will slap on on Wednesday. I'll wear that for 2-3 days then I'll go down to nothing. So I am hoping, praying, that when I get down to 0 the withdrawal wont be so bad since I've tapered, but fentanyl is a strong opiate and I have tapered fairly rapidly. I've been functional, moderate withdrawal. I've had the restless legs/arms, cold sweats, and nausea so long its become normal. Unfortunately this has allowed the mental anguish to show it's face. The depression and anxiety are rough...especially since they are the reason I started using in the first place. As you can imagine, this has caused the cravings to become very strong. Luckily I dont have anything to take and have no means of getting more. My "dealer" was a friend of mine before he was my supplier, so I told him I was getting clean so he wont give me any more.

If the jump off from 12.5 to 0 is too much, I might go back to 12.5 and taper down from there in smaller increments. It all depends on if I get this job I have an interview for on Tuesday. If I get the job, I may slow my taper, but if not, I'll just jump off and deal with the sickness.
 
the last dose said:
Thanks BP my name is john by the way. Im not a big bath guy showers usually for me i do have a tub tho im probably a little older than you only cause i read you had a video game marathon, my 17 year old son i watch play sometimes he always playing i have a 25 year old daughter too. You should definitely get some kratom, since i got mine i experimented switching a dose or even two doses in a row with 6 grams kratom each time and really i think i felt better than this little dose of roxys im down to. But i think if i were to go a couple days on kratom i would feel some withdrawls i just dont know for sure whats gonna happen never been there before ive read so much conflicting info also. Some people say after jumping to kratom they go a week or two then ween kratom and jump off with almost no withdrawls I think the opoioid gods (make that devils) are gonna want a big piece of my ass after 19 years but then again thats another unknown for me. Some say it does not matter how long you have been on oxy only how low of mg you jump off at. Yesterday i went to the Rock Carnival in lakewood nj with my son its a 3 day event lots of good bands each day was a great distraction we had a killer time loved Monster Magnet and a band named Cycle of Pain (i know great fucking name) the based guitar in the band is John DeServio he also plays bass for Black Label Society they kicked ass. I smoked some weed before leaving for show between that and the great time there i really didnt think about my problems at all was a great escape for me. Keep up the good work brotha.
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Yeah, I am in my early 30s, but am wise for my age...or so I'm told. Video games have always been a big part of my life. Being a life long introvert, I'd rather stay in and video games have always been there. I still have all my old systems, Nintendo, N64, Sega Genesys...through to the Wii and Xbox 360. My wife knows when I go to my man cave, she wont see me for hours. Once I'm clean, Im gonna get myself an Xbox One as a reward to myself. Its more economical than a habit too!

The show sounds awesome...I haven't been to a show since Warped Tour in 2005 lol! It's mostly because I dont do big crowds...ya know, the introvert thing. I've used drugs and alcohol to open up some, so once I'm clean I think I'll seek some therapy so I can enjoy social events more without the anxiety and more importantly, without any drugs or alcohol.
 
Job interview in the morning...i am applying to 2 different positions at the same company...hopefully I'll land one of them. The anxiety is at a 9 right now. The interview is from 10:30am until 4pm...they must have liked my resume if they want to spend that much time with me.

Wish me luck. This is a big step on getting back on track with my life.
 
BigP!

That is such wonderful news! Good luck. I've heard of very few jobs that interview all day like that - is it different panels/departments conducting the interviews? I mean they can't expect you to interview with with the same 4-5 people all day, right? If so, that will be brutal. You said you were an engineer, or did I miss something?

in any case, good luck and knock it out of the park. I don't suppose you have the odd beta blocker laying around, do you? I've heard they are great for anxiety. In any case, just breathe. You'll do great!

- VE
 
Good job guys !! So good to see ppl bone up and come around , I'm excited for you guys - you have a lot to be proud of already , and a lot to look fwd to !! Good luck w the interview chief
 
Hey BigP!

I wanted to stop in and let you know I'm thinking about you and wishing you luck in your interviews today. Let us know how it goes!

- VE
 
Omg BigPoppa!!!

I was so excited to log on and see you checked back in. I'm so happy you are back. Don't worry about the relapse - big or small. Just try and learn from it.

For now, what's the next step in your plan? Or are you not there yet? Are you still not working, or were you able to find a job? Sorry for the twenty questions, I'm just so excited to see you back and fighting round 2! Much love, and I'll be here for ya.

I just passed my 90 day mark a few days ago! I've missed you!

- VE
 
Hi VE! I will say, being back is bittersweet...I'm glad to be back, but I wish it were under different circumstances. I think I rushed my taper last time. I was going down too quickly because the smallest amount was keeping the evil WDs at bay. Once I jumped off, i couldnt do it. Of all the symptoms, it was the restless legs/arms that did me in. I wanted to pull my skin off. I got more patches and oxy, and life was back to "normal".

The biggest reason I ended up using again was because I landed a pretty good job, and didnt want to be going through withdrawals as a new employee. So i used to get me through...though my usage has not been as heavy as in the past. I dont take anything for the euphoria anymore, just to maintain normalcy....when did this become normal?

Anywho...I went cold turkey about 6 days ago...its been hell. I've been using Magnesium and some homeopathic restless leg medicine. I think it's lessened the symptoms, but it may just be placebo. I haven't slept in days, and my head is killing me. Luckily no gastro issues (I thank my love for spicy food for years of conditioning) The emotional rollercoaster has been hell. I tear up at EVERYTHING. Cartoons and cat videos are about the only thing I can watch lol. I have monday off from work, so I have the next three days to get over the hump. My insurance kicks in on Jan 5th, so I can get back on some medication for anxiety/depression. I was on lexapro, but I dont think it helps as much as it should. I think its my dopamine levels that went to shit, not my serotonin levels, but im no doctor. Im rambling, sorry, its good to be able to talk to someone...no one knows, as far as they know I have the flu.

90 days huh? I am super happy for you (and jealous :)) How do you feel now? Back to your old self for the most part? If so, how long did it take?
 
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