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Withdrawal made me crosse a dangerous line today

J

jesse1988

Greenlighter
Joined
May 31, 2014
Messages
30
I was a welfare worker, my addiction got exposed by a so called random drug test 3, 4 years ago.I got fired. But the test result got sealed as my supervisor return a huge favor for me. But I can't work as welfare worker again. I didn't give up my life just because of this, 3 years past by, now I am a flash graduate nurse. I have been addicted to opiates over 10 years. Opiates is not that evil to me, it helped me a lot, I won't be able to graduate without it. Now, I have been using over 80% of my salary for drugs, today, 3 days before I get my next paycheck, I went out of everything. Oxy, codeine, DHC, EverythingThe final chapter of feeling good approached.The withdrawal was so bad, I can't even hold the iv line properly when I draw blood from the patient. "I have to do something" This is the line keep ranging over and over in my head. I have to do somethine before someone notice what is going on with me. I work with bunch of health care professionals after all.FYI, I don't have anyone to ask for help when I am in trouble, I don't have any friend. None. But I guess that is nothing surprise when you addicted to opiates for over 10 years.10 am, When the sweating start, a minute feels like a year, 11 am, I am already in white hot agony. I walk, and I walk, and I walk, next thing I know was standing inside a heavily sedated patient's room, and I stairing at his diazepam. Should I do it? I understand that it won't help much, but it is something. Not something like one take fix, but at least it would take the edge off.I can't recall how long I stood there, but eventually, it comes to "fuck it". Just like the past 3650 days.It went the way it had to, the way it was always going to. This is the 2 word that keep me going with my life."Fuck it" And here is the junkie dilemma, I stop taking opiates, someone will notice I am an addict, i lose my job. And if I keep using, eventually I will get busted, then same result, lose my job. I feel so guilty now, if you have history with opiates you would know that opiates take away all your negative emotions away. You don't feel sad, no guilty feeling, no isolated, no nothing.Now I just got my dihydrocodeine fix, I still feel so terrible and guilty, today I stole diazepam, who knows what am I going to do 25 days from now when I run out of juice again...I am so worry that I am going to steal morphine from cancer patients and they fade away with agonizing pain...Actually I don't know why I start this thread, maybe I just want to let it out...Opiates is my family, a friend that would never turn its back on me. I am willing to pay everything for it. For those who worry someday will bump into me at hospital as patient, unless you live in Toyko, otherwise, very unlikely.
 
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jesse, you have got to get yourself some help for this. The train wreck coming down the tracks is far worse than just losing your job. You could go to prison for stealing a patient's medication not to mention that you would have a hard time working again.

I know why and how you feel that opiates are your "best friend" and that they "never turn their back" on you but I think if you read the first part of your post separately from those two statements that you can see that in fact that is only addiction talking. Opiates are threatening you job and they are threatening your life. There is a way out of this but it starts with accepting that you must face the reality that you not only do not need opiates to function , they are preventing you from functioning! This is how addiction continues to sink roots deeper and deeper into someone's thinking.

Is there any way at all that you can have an "illness" for a week in which you detox away from work and then seek support (therapy, groups,etc) to quit altogether? You are at a crossroads right now. Your story could continue one way or it could continue another. It breaks my heart to know how isolated you feel because I know this makes recovery seem almost undesirable. Still, I think if you can see that you are actually being called upon to save a life (your own!) that you can find the strength and determination to alter the course of events that you feel stuck in right now.

Use the support here but get real support outside of Bluelight. Working where you do is going to present lots of temptation.

Be well and have faith in yourself and in healing. People do get off opiates and they do fully recover from the underlying issues that made the opiates so desirable.<3
 
I don't judge cuZ I've done some horrible things in wirhdrawal.

My suggestion would be take a leave of absence from work and get your shit straight upon returning.
 
You should get a script for suboxone. Even if you only take it while in withdrawal it's a good backup option to have. I used it so I didn't have to steal or do other craziness to get well.
 
crimsonjunk said:
You should get a script for suboxone. Even if you only take it while in withdrawal it's a good backup option to have. I used it so I didn't have to steal or do other craziness to get well.
Click to expand...

Good idea lol. Only been on that on and off for years idk how I didn't think of that. Was probably pretty shot .

Couldn't agree more with this post and usually id suggest staying away from subs but when your at the point the OP is with stealing pills from hospital patients you better bet your ass suboxone will help you right now
 
Yeah almost anything is better than stealing meds from your patients at work. That is going to end with you in handcuffs and on the front page of the newspaper OP.
 
OP, I was in rehab with a nurse who had been arrested and stripped of her rights to practice for stealing a patient's morphine. The patient went into shock and died. Was it because of her stealing his pain meds? We'll never know, but I can tell you that she felt that her life was pretty much over. Her husband left her, she lost custody of her kids...it wasn't pretty. I'm not trying to be harsh, but there really isn't any bigger wake up call than this. I too, have done AWFUL things for drugs and when in withdrawal, so I am not judging, but addiction is bad enough when it just jacks up your personal life. You could really be feeling the heat for this sort of thing for the rest of your life.

I am about to get on Suboxone because I can't seem to let more than a few months go by without relapsing, and hell, if it keeps me alive and out of jail is it worth it? Even if I have to be on it forever? Hell yeah. Are you in Japan? Am I reading that correctly? What kind of maintenance options do you have? I would seriously tell somebody and get on some maintenance, just to keep your livelihood.

Please tell us how you are doing! And again, I can't judge. I would probably do the same if I was in withdrawal, tbh.
 
Oh yeah, I forgot to say this - You say that if you go into withdrawal, everyone will know you are an addict, and you'll lose your job. I disagree - people are human, if you can catch yourself now, go to a supervisor or somebody you feel safe with, tell them what's up, ask for help - well, that's an admirable thing. If you just hide it and wait for the hammer to come down, there is a good chance your life will be ruined. I know how bad it sucks to admit you're addicted, but it could change your life for the better and maybe you won't fee so alone. Wishing you the best!
 
The thing about opiates is that if you got enough, you would function just fine, or even better than fine. I have accepted opiates is a part of my existence long time ago. I got my license while under the influence of opiates, which indicated I am qualify to practice while I am using. People around me just can't comprehend the idea that an addict can function that well. And I am not going to help them comprehend it. Easpicaly when I don't have any desire to stop using.


I blew every chance I got in my life, I am not going to flush my career down the tolite by confess myself to anyone. I don't trust people.


I did not explain clearly when I said I don't have any friends or family, I meant I don't want any, people disgusted me, their behavior, their thoughts, I hate people. They are manipulative, selfish, self center and they will hang you out to dry when you have no use to them.


People argue, people fight, people corrupt, people destroy.


Opiates have nothing to do with these thought, I felt like this since 10 years old. I was, and I am a loner, the different is I was a miserable loner before, but since I use, I am not miserable anymore, now I can live with how people are, how this world works. Even I hate it.


Yes, I am an addict, no doubt. but I am also a observer of humanity. I look. And I can live with what I saw. (When I am on opiates), In fact I feel like i can see everything when I am on opiates.
Ok, sound like I am being a arrogant prick. But I am not, I disgust myself too.


I avoid people like plague, I don't communicate, people only know what they know, if I told anyone what I am doing, it would be like I am telling them "fuck the baibal" in 14 century, they will burn me.


I explain this because I am not going to blame addiction for my behavior. I choose to use, this is my choice, I look around, different day, same shit. I am in a loop, I don't know how people can live like this, but I can't. The loop is not going to end until my life does.


If I never come cross with opiates, I wouldn't still being here.

Now, I have a problem, but it is not addiction, it is the withdrawal, and I am going to try get some suboxone.


Guys, Thanks for advice
 
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I am sorry to hear your pain and hope you can find a way through this. I am sorry you feel that way about people but there are some good people on here, if not in your offline life, I'm wishing you the very best way of getting through this.
 
Hedonistica said:
I am sorry to hear your pain and hope you can find a way through this. I am sorry you feel that way about people but there are some good people on here, if not in your offline life, I'm wishing you the very best way of getting through this.
Click to expand...

That is why I came here, a lot of good people.
But offline life, I know there is good people out there, somewhere, but is it really worth using that much effort, time and resources to find out where they are? Or can I even have the chance to meet one?
 
I hate to sound like an asshole, but obviously you don't have enough opiates to function or you wouldn't be siphoning off people's IV drips, no?

But I also totally understand how opiates can save your life - for me they probably kept me from doing some very stupid shit, but in the end they bit me in the ass. I really do feel for you and am glad to hear you are getting on subs to help you out. There is nothing wrong with being on maintenance for life, in my opinion, if you feel you need the opiates. Who is to really say what "clean" means? To me it's being able to function without hurting people or risking your life. I truly hope that the subs help you out and you can keep at your job! It sounds like you made the right decision.

I understand being dissapointed in humanity, believe me. But you're kind of throwing your career down the toilet no matter what if you don't get help. And it's really not fair to the innocent patient who trusts you with their life. Why should they get the shaft? They didn't get you addicted to opiates, you did. And that's just the shitty truth. Good luck to you!
 
As a fellow RN with a big addiction issue let me be frank. You will get caught. I have friends who are managers in many different hospitals and specialties. Drug theft and addiction is a HUGE issue. When I worked ER we walked around with syringes full of morphine and fenta nyl taped to us since we were always.dosing our patients.
We routinely lost nurses to drug theft.
You will get away with it for a while but somebody will notice something.
It's how you support yourself. Don't make it harder than it is by losing your lisence. Take a LOA.
I wont even talk about the poor patients who need the meds as that has already been addressed.
Having a drug problem is one thing
People can understand and support that. Depriving your patients of their drugs makes you less sympathetic to managers etc. Good luck!!!
 
Wow, it's like I wrote the op as far as people are concerned. I'm at peace with my opiate usage as well. You need to hit up the sub dr for sure, it never hurts to have some subs in the stash. You should try to budget your money a little better, that's the key to making this work for u. Shit happens sometimes, trust me I know about shit happening lol. Maybe try switching to cheaper opiates? That's what I had to do. I'm only saying this because, like me, you seem set in your ways and how you plan to live your life. I gotta be honest though, the opiates seem like they are controlling your life a bit to much for your plan to be sustainable for any long period of time. Your already worried about when this happens next month, that's no good hun. My advice would be to use a little less so u can make ur money last the month or maybe try cheaper opiates. I know I'm not saying anything profound but I just wanna help.
 
You're not alone. A friend of mine who is an addict in treatment recently changed the date on her valid prescription for buprenorphine. She's been on the medication for 3 years and over the last several months has had trouble tapering down.


Just know that this happens to every one of us recovering addicts. And the moment of truth for us is what we decide to do when we can possibly get away with something.
 
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Well if she lost the hard copy by accident the dr would just write a new one. People lose things all time, shit happens. Easy peasy ;) take care!
 
Ok guys I got the sub, 2mg
Dosage?
I got it from dealer, so I can't ask anyone about it
I am using daily: codeine 400-600mg, dihydrocodeine 500mg, oxy 50mg , once a week dxm tripping 180mg

And I use pethidine, tramadol and morphine too. But not regularly.

Something if I don't have a lot of choice then I just pop 1200mg of dhc/ a day

In case someone wounding, I bought all of it with my own money. Just not a legal way.
 
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