Withdrawal/Junkie Identity

[Sowle]

Not really sure exactly what im asking, but at the moment I don't have many other places I can vent or people I can talk to so I figured some BLers may have some experience or advice with what im sorta trying to get at.

Im currently on day 4 of opiate (heroin/oxy/methadone...anything I could get my hands on) withdrawal. Im 27 and have be using heroin and shit since I was 17, been a daily on the needle thing for the past 8 years. Prior to that I had done every drug under the sun, most habitually, starting since I was 12. I started shooting meth when I was 14, so have I pretty long and pretty fucked attachment to IVing. Dope however is the only thing that has brought me completely to my knees. Like as a teen im pretty sure I missed the entire point of what physical addiction was as basically willpower had been enough to counter any problems as even with the completely irresponsible way that I was using...being a total fucking fiend never really held any consequence (more trouble came from the fact I was a deviant with a quick temper...something that drugs actually slightly negated) - still managed to go to school, work, do well in exams, finished desired uni course and started working in my chosen field. I actually managed to keep working in a professional environment until like 3 years into my dope addiction, after that shit started to spiral pretty bad and I chose to make cash in a slightly less legit way. I never really got that heroin would completely switch my mental so that now all the will-power and resources I had would end up being used to get on...like its sorta like every survival skill you have ends up reversed and is just there to say fuck you, you as a person are secondary to the more important goal of keeping this run going.

But yeah, I guess you could say I sunk pretty low...tho what fucks me up worse than anything I did is the fact that it sorta doesn't bother me. Like I kinda found I fit well into junkie life, perhaps from being a pretty delinquent kid (yeah I did well in school but I had always been pretty heavily involved in crime and street scene and shit - staying in school and doing well was basically what kept probation onside enough so I didn't end up ward of the state). I lost everything from my previous life, gained hep C + numerous charges and still really didn't give a fuck. I still don't. I made an active decision in using long enough to pick up a habit...I knew what would happen and I didn't care. And I don't regret it for a second. Are there things I would change, certainly. Would I wipe out my whole addiction if possible, never. Maybe im mentally romanticising dope, as I have a problem with doing that, but I really just don't hate it. The problem isn't the drug but how you use it, and I always knew i was going to go nuts with it...and i did. I liked the lifestyle, i liked having tracks, i liked wanting being manifested in sickness, i liked everything that heroin stood for.

The main reason im quitting is because if i don't jail is currently inevitable it seems. I would much rather kick (and live) under my terms than those of a prison. Is it possible to quit heroin, and stay off for any significant amount of time, when one feels still attached to the 'drug user' identity (like im sitting here wanting to get some meth just to shoot something up as feels like tracks are fading - always leads to me using dope tho so holding off for the moment) and not hate or resent the drug?

 

[THECATINTHEHAT]

The short answer is that it's not impossible, but it will be extremely difficult to string together any sort of clean time imo. If you don't want to stop using drugs then it's going to be very difficult to do so, and very uncomfortable because you're trying to live a life you don't want to be living.

On the other hand, if you really make an effort to get clean in the right way for you, then maybe you'll discover a life outside using drugs that you haven't experienced before and find your identity shifting because of it, which will make things easier.

On the whole from people I've come across in life they don't stop using unless they really want to though.

 

[herbavore]

It sounds like you are very aware that you have a hard choice to make. The loss of freedom and living in a psychological and physical hell (prison) would make the choice easy for me but I can see that it's not so easy for you. I guess that if you decide that it is worth giving up the life of needle and drug addiction then the task is to create a life that excites you as much as the one you have created before does. Maybe you need a lot of adrenaline. Create a life that uses that.

 

[sstalker]

No matter how long u use and no matter how much u use,accepting the junky image is the worst thing u can do to 4 self man.I had a very simular story like u exept the hep C thing...I know how hard it is to get rid of this shit,especially if u use it so long..But know there's always hope!U can not quit just like that but by making smal steps.Good thing is that u r aware of ur situation.Fact is that if u don't want to be cured,u won't...But by writing this,deep inside u know u have to do something about it.So what u need is a plan.You need to find the reason for starting to use and see if that reason still exists...if it does,try to solve it,if not,u had just picked a habbit and u need to get rid of it.

It is achievable like i said by creating a plan and try to make every step of it possible as much as u can.So:first u need to go to rehab.Don't make a mistake by choosing methadone for ur cure.U'll only get into a deeper shit than the 1 u r in..Tell ur doctor to prescribe u a buprenorphine.Take as much as u think u need to get u over the withdrawal.And most important try to tapper down and get rid of it too as fast as u can.
Second:try to change ur environment.I know that it's hard to do that but try...The environment plays a big role in ur rehab...Hang out with people that don't take heroin.With people that will make u feel ashamed if u keep doing it.People who'll judge u 4 that.

Get a drug free girl.Girlfriends can be verry supportive and help u kick the habbit.If u fall in love in a while,u'll be afraid of loosing her so that wi'll help u stay clean.Get a goal that u'll need to achieve and know all the time that heroin will only get u away from it...The thing is that u need to start to feel bad for using it.Program urself to think that way.These r the things that helped me kick the shit.I havent used almost a year and i feel great about it!U don't need to kick it 4 good.Do it from time to time,(that's a bad idea but it works 4 me just fine)I do H or methadone from time to time.Lets say once in 2 months..That doesn't mean anything.But i take my bupe every day.It does wonders! U won't feel any withdrawal symptoms... and u'll function just fine.Even a little better than fine

As 4 the needle fixation i have the same problem but at least i bang a lesser evil :D I know i'll get over it too.I just try to apply the written above.Try smoking it at first...It's a good substitute ritual.The only thing i wonder is how knowing that u have a hep C didn't made u feel bad about ur addiction.Use it as ur advantage now.It's a obvious sign that u need to quit iv'ing it.Make ur self feel like a shit 4 doing that.And the environment will do the rest...But no matter what,know that there's always a hope.U just have to want the change to happen.
Hope i was helpful somehow

 

[RobotRipping]

I have the exact same issue. I've had to learn to identify myself as more than a junkie. Being a drug addict made me feel safe and protected and I still feel like anyone that sees me will know I'm a junkie. I think its easiest right now to identify as a junkie in recovery, that way I remember what I came from but am no longer held back by it.

 

[sstalker]

Indentifying with something makes people feel accepted...They feel like they belong somewhere,that they're not alone...Not being identyfied with something makes people feel bad because then they r on their own...Man u don't have to do that...We're born alone and we'll die alone..Accept that...And not get depressed by the fact but try to become stronger by accepting the fact...Identifying ur self with a junky means that u r bound by the lifestyle and the habbits that go along with it...If u want to recover and quit using drugs u have to at least identify with something else.Normal guy 4 example...Who cares what other think..Fuck their oppinions...Try to make a change not 4 them but 4 u and ur health

 

[T. Calderone]

I think in order to get clean, you're going to have to stop embracing that junkie lifestyle. Or as you put it, romanticizing it because in order to move forward, your junkie persona needs to stay in the past. That being said, I could easily fall back to my old ways and pick up again because it's still a part of me.

I relate better to junkies still because I felt the straight world turned it's back on me. I don't hate the drugs, just my lack of self-control when I was using. Are you able to work a traditional job or do you even want to? It's great to have that choice too as opposed to those choices being made for you.

 

[Rogg If]

Totally agree, always felt that I was so good at being a junkie and the whole lifestyle that comes with it, while I was shit at being anything else. I mean I found myself with fucked up cunts that for instance ripped off their naltrexone implants (I know...) and still didn't realise this was total fucking bullshit and a horrible life.
Thing is, you've been there for a whole ten years - alright, being a junkie feels safe and you feel like you belong but isn't it too easy? How boring is it? You gotta challenge yourself man, I personally discovered a clean life can be much more exciting (been clean only for a couple of weeks but I'm telling you what little I figured out) than the outlaw junkie shit. Forcing yourself to do things you'd never had the balls to do before, and I'm not talking about illegal or dangerous stuff, I'm talking about stuff that takes some decision and level-headedness. Doing these things will change the image you have of yourself. You'll have to do that for a while I guess until you get over the junkie stuff. Also as corny as it may sound, changing your environment (if you can) will really help, go somewhere quiet for a while. I fucked off out of London and it probably saved me from death or a fucking shitty life. Good luck to you man, you're worth more than all the gear and the needles in the world