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Wish this was on a happier note...

Yes, there sure are MANY good people left in this world....I found that out myself due to this site in which NOBODY judges anyone for anything and to me it's the most wonderful, therapeutic and 100% completely safe "medicine" that exists today.......knowing that others care and are here to listen:). And it is so strange that it many ways I've also found out within my own life that SO often the sweetest things come from pure strangers. "Random acts of kindness" as its called yet so very often I am finding them coming more and more by those I don't even know at all. That's when I try my best to "give back" even if (as I've said before) it's just by my saying "I'm here for you anytime you need to "talk"". You're a great guy, that I can tell and you have a huge heart. If your friend was still here? Undoubtedly he'd tell you the same and also tell you "Hey, bud...it WASN'T your fault". I believe that to the absolute fullest degree. I'm also so very happy to hear that you're not isolating yourself (something I've been doing and it's NOT a good thing since you will only bring yourself more down by (as I call it) "sitting in your own head". Even if at times you don't feel like hanging out with friends (something I'm working on getting back into myself), at least come onto here. Answer those who truly care and love you without knowing you, judging you or questioning you. This was my biggest "help" by far. Other times when I'm feeling extremely "down" I check out what other people are writing and then I think to myself "wow, and here I felt bad but here's someone else that is going through even more hardship then I am so I want to send a few kind words their way".....it makes me feel SO good inside on the occasions where I feel I can:). Keep posting, keep sharing your feelings...trust me, it DOES help especially amongst others who can relate in at least some way. Love, luck and best wishes to you<3......p.s....I am going to keep checking to see if you keep talking:). For the "thousandth" time now, this site has just proven itself to be so very amazing to me. I always checked it out yet never joined until I hit my "rock bottom" and now I am so happy that I did since everyone on here is absolutely wonderful<3
 
I have a lot of guilt issues about stuff, i know how it eats away at you but you got to know no way can you be to blame for your friends death, many dif things that happen at same time to cause these things thats what im slowly starting to realise. Dont like telling on forums butI'm still getting over my dads death from 8 years ago, he died in a car accident and i was supposed to have been with him so thats what my main guilt is about him being dead and me being alive, its called survivor guilt, feel for you i really do and hope you dont let it mess you up like it still does to me after all these years. Hang in there friend
 
I didn't warn him or anything. My tolerance was way higher and he tried doing the same amount as me and I didn't even think twice about it. Even i was like, holy shit I feel like I'm on the brink of ODing, and I never thought of how he'd react
 
Like someone else said you didn't force your friend to take it, try and speak to a doctor and maybe get something from them to calm you and no doubt you need help sleeping as well or call some like like the Samaritans, had to call them myself a few days after my Dad died. There are good listeners out there, here as well by the looks of some of the answers and good grief helpers out there, please try them, they will not think the worse of you.. Would imaging your friend would hate to see you like this. I'm new here as well give me a shout if you want a yap about anything..
 
God, I so much hope you don't take any advise I give you the wrong way but each time you write something...I think of something else. Last summer, my tolerance for oxys was about 100 mgs (this was when they still made me feel "numb", pain free and just GREAT...I could do anything on that dose). Well, I had finally had it with my husbands abuse and ended it (should've kept it that way but didn't) and he moved into an apt. One night I went there and he had a friend over. I had already done at least 100 mgs before I went there. The "friend" then went and layed out 2 lines of oxys in the kitchen (HUGE ONES nonetheless) and told me to "go ahead". Dumb and naive I suppose but I did both. He then told my husband that the other was for him. I was like "what? I did them both." He then began laughing hysterically and said "YOU?! You must be 100 pounds yet your big man over there puked all day by doing what you just did in one shot (that comment didn't go over so well but has nothing to do with my point). TRUST ME, I'm not bragging but I knew my limits. I did two lines of 90 mgs each. That was the most I had ever done and I'm lucky to be alive to even speak of it cause I also had drank. I hope this somehow makes the sense I'm meaning it to. NO ONE said "Bern", you HAVE to go do them". I did it all on my own. No cohersing involved. I didn't throw up, I appeared "normal". I was aware that risks were involved yet still took those risks. I then went home alone to an empty house nearly right after doing what I did. Anyway, my overall point is this...if something would have happened to me I wouldn't have blamed anyone. Just myself. One thing I'm not sure of is that when I set up my account here I had to put in an "age area". I'm neither super young nor old but unless your friend had never heard of heroin before or its potential dangers (the same goes for my opiate of choice and I'm quite sure he did) and was say 15 years old (I don't even think that age is allowed on this site so I'm guessing that's also not true) then you need to stop and think. I KNOW it's hard, it's normal to feel guilt (especially since it was a good friend who saved your life twice so you feel you should've been there to save his and I know damn well I'd be feeling the same), it's also normal to cry and miss him so much but again now for the 3rd time I'll say what all have agreed upon and that is that you didn't force it. You said you then didn't feel well. He'd probably be feeling the absolute same right now if this was switched and you passed away instead of him but I will GUARANTEE you this (and although I'm not super religious), he's NOT looking down upon you right now thinking to himself, "You son of a bitch!" He's up there thinking, "PLEASE STOP blaming yourself, man. I KNOW you meant no harm". That's a GUARANTEE!! Please as I said, keep posting and please also as I said don't do what I did which was secluding myself. I REALLY hope I didn't say anything that offended you...I'm just a firm believer in honesty and speaking my mind. Thinking of you with love<3
 
No-no you never did anything to offend. I know its cliche to blame myself and I know he was an adult and could make his own decisions but jeez its hard to not blame myself when I'm the one who gave it to him, who didn't warn him how strong it was, and who left him alone. But I'm trying...
 
Sorry for your loss and life experience. I would like to say that your experience is few and far between but take solace in the fact that many people carry a weight just as heavy but different. As for your WDs, ask around some older friends if they have a blood pressure medication called Clonidine. It kept me from kicking the sheets when I was coming off Opana. Immodium took care of the squirts. 1 or 2 mgs a day of clonidine really helps. You can read up on it.

As for your loss...what I do when I screw up big is I go stare in the mirror and beat myself up (inside my head, not physically) and just really tear open that wound and expose yourself to yourself. For me it tears down any excuse mechanisms that may be helping you cope and if you feel the need to talk it out to the person in the mirror, do it. It'll make you cry, you'll hate yourself, you will run through a rollercoaster of emotions but it speeds up the process and you come away feeling cleaner. It's like an emotional shower. A real shower after that helps. Try some things to get yourself some atonement, make it a weekly routine to get on a forum like this one and do harm reduction. Be ready to tell your story. If you find somebody on the edge you might be able to back them off. You may be able to save a few lives to account for the one you helped end. About that. You are not responsible for what someone puts into their body. If he/she didn't get it from you it would have been someone else at some other time. It just so happened it was you. That person failed to educate theirself on dosing from the vast amount of info out here. In the end, we are all responsible for what we do to ourselves. Do not carry that burden as if you found them asleep and put a needle in their body without their knowledge and it lead to their death. Make sure your guilt is appropriate and not too much.

Good luck to you.
 
I'm sorry I've not been "checking" on you for a few days now but I had surgery done...and not a pleasant one and now am in nearly full blown wds as the surgeon said that I should be virtually pain free. What a damn joke to put me through this now?!? I'm not thinking about me right now though but rather you. How are you holding up? I'm sure it's not yet gotten any easier but please, please continue to talk or vent on here. This is a good place. The ONLY place I can be "me". I'm hoping so very much to hear back from you soon<3
 
Thanks bernc yeah its gotten better. I found his grave and visit it often and it helps a bit
 
Hi Xanaxus. I just joined also, and stumbled across your intro, and my heart broke. What a tragedy, I'm so so sorry. But I joined this site with intentions of helping others (among seeking information) so if you ever want a friend who won't judge, you have me!!
Also, if I may ask, how old are you and what was it exactly that your friend OD'ed on? Do you know how much he took?
 
Xanaxus said:
Thanks bernc yeah its gotten better. I found his grave and visit it often and it helps a bit
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Many may disagree with me but I myself always did feel at least a slight bit of comfort when I visited the grave's of deceased ones that I adored. Trust me when I tell you though that your friend wouldn't want to see you unhappy or (as I've said) taking any blame. If you'd ever like to talk on a more personal basis please feel free to private message me...day or night. Love and best wishes to you always?
 
The days get easier as time goes by, thanks for the advice guys, and a big bottle Xanax helped too :p
 
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