• Hello Graphic
    NEW MEMBER'S GUIDE
    INTRODUCE YOURSELF
    YOUR FAVORITE DRUGS?
    WHERE ARE YOU FROM?

  • NMI Moderators: M!$TER-ED

Wish this was on a happier note...

X

Xanaxus

Greenlighter
Joined
Jun 17, 2015
Messages
25
Hi everyone. I've longed browsed blue light but never registered until just now. I would always come here looking up information on how to go safely through opiate usage, and if I see anything I can contribute to from my multiple years experience I definitely will.

Of course there was a reason I registered now. I have no one left who could possibly offer me any words of advice, because I can't tell anybody the truth. And I don't really understand what is and is acceptable to say on here. But I just have to say something or else I'm going to just die. A couple weeks ago I found my best friend since childhood dead in his apartment. An opiate overdose. No one knows that but me, so you can assume where he got it from. I've been so wrecked since then I couldn't go to work and lost my job, and with no money I'm coming down for the first time ever. Been doing this for years and never had to DT. Between this horrible feeling and the horrible guilt over my friend I just don't know what to do. Nobody can offer me and helpful words because nobody knows the truth. Being so alone and so sick this is just messed up, its all so messed up. Though I hope no one else has to go through this kind of guilt, to be directly responsible for the death of a friend, if there is anyone, please tell me how you go on. Because I don't really want to anymore.

I'm sorry if there was anything I wasn't supposed to say in that post. Please feel free to delete it if I broke a rule.
 
Oh my god, I'm so very sorry:(. You're more then welcome to read my "story" because it's not very "pretty" neither (based on loss of loved ones but not by an od, chronic SEVERE physical and mental abuse that I've endured for years and multiple addictions but my "main one" being opiates (oxycodone being my "drug of choice" and I'm scared too because I'm going through hardcore wds which are going to get worse and it has me in a severe panic...sorry just a little intro on me since you shared so very much)....I can tell you this much you came to the right place for support. I'm kind of speechless because I can't even begin to imagine how you're feeling emotionally or physically:(. I wish I could say "it'll all get better" but alls I can really say is that each of us are here for different reasons but share one thing....we want help in one way or another. I for one will "help" you even if just by listening. I so much want to say something and am just going to go with my feeling and say it even though I don't even think I'd be able to take my own advise....you didn't force the drug on your friend, that I'm sure of. In saying that though, I'm POSITIVE that I, like you are, would be racked with guilt. PLEASE PLEASE don't seclude yourself fully though...at lease not from people on here. I have from all others (even my best friend) but the people here are so understanding and caring. I also can't foresee that you wrote anything "wrong". Lots of love to you and feel free to write back anytime....I'll check in a little bit to see if you did and hope that you will<3
 
Thanks for that, I just really needed to get it out there and for somebody to tell it to.
 
No problem, anytime...and there will be so many people here on this site for you...myself included<3
 
Anabasis said:
You absolutely have a friend in me.
Click to expand...
That's the absolute best thing about this site....no one here judges anyone for anything and alls we all want to do is help each other. I've not found this type of "treatment" anywhere else, that's for sure<3
 
It'd be a pleasure to give back and help someone, wouldn't it? I'm certainly in no position to throw the first stone!

I've gone from hopeless and suicidal to content and filled with hope. I know it can happen.
 
Anabasis said:
It'd be a pleasure to give back and help someone, wouldn't it? I'm certainly in no position to throw the first stone!

I've gone from hopeless and suicidal to content and filled with hope. I know it can happen.
Click to expand...
Most DEFINITELY, I couldn't possibly agree more<3!!!! I wish I could say the same for myself right now since I'm not content and filled with hope right now myself but do hope to be again someday. Either way, I still like to "give back" though even if alls I have right now to give is a listening ear. I, myself am scared to death yet have been helped so much on here (even just by kind words).....I'm hoping that xanaxus receives all the love I did because if any of us were "saints" in the present or in the past then we wouldn't be on this site. People like yourself, Anabasis, I hope to be again someday and people like you, xanaxus, I just want to let you know that they're not alone. We all make "mistakes", most are NEVER intentional and although we are all unique, we also all share one thing in common... not one of us is perfect. Love to you both<3
 
Last edited:
The same thing to you, Bernc1. Your future is bright.

"when you're going through hell, keep going."
 
Please get back to either of us xanaxus....even just to say "Hi"...I wouldn't even expect you to say "I'm here and ok"....just anything. Personally, I couldn't careless if you just write the letter "k", which is my least favorite "text" response ever but I'd even still take it:). It's not your fault, trust me and there's thousands of others who'd undoubtedly agree with me yet not many are placed in the predicament you are and therefore can't possibly be feeling the heartbreak that you're feeling at this moment. Again though, there's not "enemies" here....just all people wanting to help each other no matter what the circumstances may be. I'd be happy to wake and even just see "why the fu#k do you care"?!?! The mere reason? Because I do<3
 
Really sorry to hear your story, I can't begin to image how bad your feeling. Are there no medical facilities near you where you can get help with physical symptoms of withdrawal?

I'm so sorry for the loss of your friend (there are sadly a lot of people on here who have lost friends due to substance use/abuse), as already mentioned above, you were not responsible for his death. He was a user, if he had not bought from you then you probably know that he would have simply found somebody else - he was an adult and was responsible for his actions.

There are a few sections on here where you will be more than welcome to share your story, talk about what your going through etc.

In the meantime please look after yourself

Bear
 
I miss him so much. Tear up constantly. I'd never known anyone who died before. Not even a distant family member let alone a best friend. Thank you tho.
 
And i've been drinking poppy seed tea, using about 3 pounds of seeds at a time
 
I have never had withdrawals from PST but l know there are some members on this forum who have the knowledge to help you out with that. If you feel like it make a thread in the Dark Side forum because there are a lot of very supportive, caring people there. Sorry for the loss of your friend but as someone else mentioned it really isn't your fault. We all make our own choices at the end of the day. Hang in there....
Ruby
 
I too strongly disagree that you are "directly responsible" for this. Quite simply, you bear no responsibility.

Grieving is one thing but blaming yourself is completely unnecessary. It's just not your fault.

I agree with Ruby Slippers. Reach out here because I have a feeling there are people who are ready, willing and able to truly help you.

I hope you see that we care for you.
 
Xanaxus said:
I miss him so much. Tear up constantly. I'd never known anyone who died before. Not even a distant family member let alone a best friend. Thank you tho.
Click to expand...

Your always going to miss him (which I think is a good thing) - Its really hard to explain but eventually this pain you feel does get better, you stop focusing on the loss and start to enjoy the memories of his life.

There are so many sections about the site that you can become part of - doesn't matter your location, just hit up one of the chat threads and chat away. If you want to rant, vent your anger or just express how fucked off you are about everything, PM me.

I'm not saying I will know the answers to your questions though - but I'm more than happy to chat.

Bear
 
I knew there would be many offering up good advise as well as saying what I began saying from the very start and that is that "it's not your fault"......yet I will repeat again also that I've never been in your predicament and therefore can't even begin to imagine how you must be feeling right now and it can't possibly be easy. I want to say something that may come off as "odd" to you and maybe even many others but whenever I feel like I've REALLY hit "rock bottom" I run into someone that pulls me back up. I've not even answered anything on my own thread yet feel the strong urge to check on yours many times daily....you reached out, you told what happened (which takes much strength and courage to do). Each day I wake and I'll be honest, sometimes I feel like I'd rather just not go on but then I think about someone who has it worse then me and somehow, someway I find strength in that because I don't want to just care about me but also want to "give back". Again, I don't have much "words of wisdom", nor when it comes to wds am I anywhere near better then you but I feel like you've given me the "force" to want to keep coming back on here even now when I myself feel horrible. I don't know any "cure all" (since if one existed we would all be fine today), nor do I know much about even the tea you spoke of. One thing I do know though is that losing a loved one (family, friend, loved one) in itself is devestating yet to also go through withdrawals at the same time of your own? Again, I'm at a loss for words. "Tearing up" is a normal and completely fine way of expressing bereavement of a special person in our lives though that we've all lost (more unfortunately less then others and due to different consiquences, yet I will stick with one fact....it wasn't your fault and as much as I hate being blunt right now in such a hard time in your life.....you forced nothing. I've gone through it all...my brother killing my father, watching my mom die a horrific death when I quit my job to care for her, abuse and then full blown addiction myself. PLEASE keep posting since even expressing a mere few words here or there may in fact make you feel a tiny bit better. Expecting it all to become easy quick would be unrealistic. Just please know you have "friends" here that are willing to listen and never condemn you in anyway whether it be day or night. My thoughts since reading your story have been constantly with you. I'm not even going to say at this point to "hang in there, it will get better" since grievance over someone we care about can take for some weeks, months and I'm sorry to say (just because it holds true within my own case) even years. If I'd have found this site many years ago though perhaps I wouldn't have fallen so deep as I did since for me just even merely talking about it may help. Not a definite for all, yet is for me. You are also more then welcome to private message me anytime even if as I believe someone else said it is to "talk, vent, rant or rage".....just keep coming back, my dear new friend. Please<3
 
Last edited:
Ruby Slippers said:
I have never had withdrawals from PST but l know there are some members on this forum who have the knowledge to help you out with that. If you feel like it make a thread in the Dark Side forum because there are a lot of very supportive, caring people there. Sorry for the loss of your friend but as someone else mentioned it really isn't your fault. We all make our own choices at the end of the day. Hang in there....
Ruby
Click to expand...
Great advise "Ruby Red". I myself am a member of "The Dark Side" and there are in fact SO many wonderful and supportive people there....yet within saying that? There are fabulous people within each and every forum I've so far viewed. This is an absolutely wonderful website<3
 
Thanks, I wish it was as easy to reach out in daily life as it is on here. I was just telling a friend that I really think we're running out of good people. People who really care about others, can care about a stranger, and that can relate. I'm glad I came here, I can hold up hope that there are still good people out there. I never meant for this to happen we had the best times together. If I'd of stayed with him that night maybe I could have changed something. He saved my life twice. I've been defribillated and brought back from death 3 times and two of those simply never would have happened if he weren't there. He saved my life TWICE and I couldn't stick around to be the one to call the ambulance ONE FUCKING TIME. That's what's so hard
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Top