Wish I never drank

[unrealeyes]

I feel more myself when I drink. I can have fun, it's like all these parts of my mind become active and I want to have fun and live. I used to be able to have fun without alcohol (as a child) but for years and years now I can't. I become someone else when I drink and it's probably a total asshole of a person but it feels great! The next day, especially when I've blacked out, I feel so mortified I want to crawl into a hole. I know that's not a feeling special to me, but I feel so full of shame I can barely get out of bed let alone leave the house and function. I don't want to see the people I've been with and have lost a lot of possible friendships because I'm just too embarrassed, either because I've made such an ass out of myself or because when I'm sober I'm no fun at all, and the incongruity between the two is too much. I'm not looking for advice so much as other similar feelings? The shame and worthlessness are overpowering. I can't even see myself in the mirror. The hours of fun don't seem so worth it...

 

[n3ophy7e]

Man I can really relate to this, as can a lot of other people here too. You've come to the right place

Have you ever spoken to a close friend, family member, or a doctor about your drinking problem?? Perhaps it might be time to open up to someone and think about getting some help. It's a really tough step to make but it's so worth it in the end.

How old are you? (if you don't mind me asking, and you don't have to answer if you don't want to )

 

[unrealeyes]

thanks, your message was really good to read. i'm 27. i've never seriously talked about it with anyone, at least not recently. i get an a+ at avoidance. i guess i wouldn't want to be honest with anyone really, esp. not with friends/family. family i wouldn't want to worry, friends i just wouldn't want to know. i would like someone to talk to though.

i'm scared of aa.

 

[EyesSizeOfTheMoon]

I feel ya buddy. Its like when I'm high I can finally let loose and speak whats on my mind instead of having nothing to say. I kinda wish sometimes I stayed high for my whole life just so i'd feel numb and happy all the time.

 

[n3ophy7e]

thanks, your message was really good to read. i'm 27. i've never seriously talked about it with anyone, at least not recently. i get an a+ at avoidance. i guess i wouldn't want to be honest with anyone really, esp. not with friends/family. family i wouldn't want to worry, friends i just wouldn't want to know. i would like someone to talk to though.

i'm scared of aa.

Yeah I totally know what you mean man. I'm scared of AA too :D Sometimes I kinda like the idea of it but then most of the time I'm like "Nahhh"
The only people I've told about my drinking problem is obviously my partner (it would be very difficult to keep it from him), and I had to tell my parents when I was about to go to rehab. So they know. None of my friends know and they don't need to know (well, apart from the ones on here ). I've been speaking with my doctor about my drinking problem for a couple of years now. I really recommend that you try this because you need to talk to at least someone about what you're going through, and the bonus of telling your doctor is that they can really help you.